Pregnant but my Mum is devastated

[Starburst90]

I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant with my first child (6 weeks) but my Mum has not taken it well at all.

She says it’s awful news, has been the worst 2 weeks of her life, she’s cried every single day and refers to the day I told her as “black Saturday.”

Her main reason for not approving is that I’ve only been with my partner since June so it is a new relationship. I’m about to turn 29 though, have my own house and we both have jobs so I feel like people do manage in trickier situations. She also says that my partner will leave me and I won’t be able to cope by myself as my family live 1hr away so I would have limited support. Whilst I’m obviously hoping that won’t happen, I’d like to think that if I was left as a single parent I would be able to survive, as many others do.

She keeps making snipes about my situation which is leading to arguments because I feel she’s being overly negative and I don’t want what might be my only pregnancy to be tainted by the fact she can’t accept it and is miserable all the time. She says she can’t help how she feels and I’m being inconsiderate for not understanding what I’ve put her through by getting myself in this situation. Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this?

Does she not like your partner? This is the only reason I would think she could be like this.

My god, my parents are so desperate for a grandchild I think they'd be happy if I got pissed and slept with a drugged up homeless bloke at this point.

Thanks everyone for the advice. My partner is happy about the news, wants to be together and for us to be a family and so far has been doting on me. He was the one who bought my pregnancy vitamins and downloaded one of those daily pregnancy update apps before I did. So I really hope it works out.

I guess it’s just having my own relationships break down before and witnessing other people’s partners leave them (a friend’s fiancé cheated when she was pregnant with their 2nd), I feel like I’ve got to be prepared to do it by myself if it comes down to it & shouldn’t base my entire existence and survival on him being there if that makes sense. I have been to visit my mum this weekend which has kind of brought all this to a head again, usually over text she just says how upset and worried she is. Which I guess isn’t as bad as her saying it’s terrible news, because I can’t hold my tongue which then leads to an argument

My mum had a very similar reaction for the same reasons. Newish relationship and not married. But I had my own house and job. 19 years later we’re still together.

But she cried, ranted, told me to have an abortion, said he would leave me, said I’d be a single mum, what if God punished me by making the child disabled, how could she look her friends in the eye, etc.

Didn’t talk to me for six months but came round when dd was born and doted on her.

he says she can’t help how she feels and I’m being inconsiderate for not understanding what I’ve put her through by getting myself in this situation. Oh! You seem to have trangressed by sudenly having your own life, and living it in a way that does not necessarily look right, to her, for her. In short, after all those years she spent bringing you up right you have turned your back on her, made her look stupid, etc etc etc.

Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this? Yes! Recognise your mum's character as it is revealing itself. She won't be able to 'come round' as you have tarnished her reputation, sullied her life. Work out how much more of that you are willing to put up with and rebuke anything that oversteps your boundaries!

"Oh do grow up, mother" etc!

My mum was like this, I was young when I got pregnant with DS1 and she ranted and raved. But when DS was born she was over the moon, hopefully that’s the same for you.

Poor you OP. She is being ridiculous. If I were you my mobile phone would be off a lot over the next 9 months. Thank goodness your partner is being supportive. Congratulations!

I was in the same boat. Been with my DP for 2 years, she hadn't met him the first year, and not married (shock horror). She was "disappointed" that I'd thrown away my career and my child may not have my surname. DD is 16 months and my DM loves her to pieces and babysits twice a week for me. She also thinks DP is a great dad. It all comes with time x

Firstly, congratulations!

Secondly, you mum sounds awful! So inconsiderate, unsupportive and down right nasty! You're a grown woman not a 15 year old! If my mother reacted like that, I don't think I'd speak to her again!

Your Mum is being way over dramatic and downright nasty. Tell her that if she can't say something nice or supportive then she should say nothing at all. I'd start to dramatically reduce contact with her now, and ignore her shenanigans whenever you do have to be near her.

I can understand her being concerned that you have not been in your current relationship for all that long, but her role should be to be a support to you whatever might happen, not to whinge and wail about black Saturday ffs. What a stupid woman. Steer clear of her as much as possible. When you do have to be near her then tell her bluntly that you expect better of her and won't put up with her shitty behaviour.

I have just found out I’m pregnant with my first. I’m 29 years old next week and have only been with my partner since August! When I told my mother she was shocked as it was “quick” as were a few other family members but are coming round to the idea now.
At the end of the day you can be with someone for 12 years or 2 months and it won’t make the blindest bit of difference what will happen in the future. People break up all the time and a lot of people stay together. No one knows what the future will hold.
Only you and your partner know what your own relationship is like and how you feel for one another, it’s not up to anyone else how you feel or what you should or shouldn’t do. If you are happy that is all that matters! Saying that
I didn’t get a great reaction from my sister but she is okay about it now. No matter how old you are you will always be your mothers baby so she may be reacting this way because she cares and worries for you, perhaps a bit anxious. Personally I think she’s being ridiculous as it’s a little extreme. Just rise above it. She will come round when she sees your little bundle of joy ❤️ Congratulations

I feel like I’ve got to be prepared to do it by myself if it comes down to it & shouldn’t base my entire existence and survival on him being there if that makes sense

It absolutely makes sense and what every woman, married or no, needs to keep in mind.

I've been there. I got a similar reaction from both mine & ex's parents BUT I fell pregnant at university (hold my hands up I was was useless with the pill), we'd known eachother less than two years, had no house, no jobs, nothing....

FF to now and everyone ABSOLUTELY adores this beautiful, highly intelligent 7 year old. His teachers adore him because all he wants to do is learn and his aim is for 100% every time, no interest in messing about. If he carries on like that he'll go very far. Me & his dad didn't stay together but how common is that nowadays? so many couples would be better off separate as all they do is fight, compete, argue and annoy each other. In front of the kids.

The absolute best advice I can give you is don't be a SAHM for years and years, use childcare when baby is a bit older and get up the career ladder as much as you can. I know I'll be shot down for saying that but it's the worst thing I did. Don't rely on your OH financially and make sure you're involved with all the bills. I lost all my friends, my identity, never went back to complete my degree, didn't go back to work, I supported OH getting promoted and promoted, he earned incredible money and I trusted him to support us with it. I was so stupid. Then he decided he'd had enough of me and the kids and just vanished. Now I'm 30 with no chance of getting a job . I have no experience, no references... and if I did get one I wouldn't earn enough. I'm having to wait a year until my youngest is in FT school so I can get some qualifications and earn a good enough wage for us all. Financially life is so hard and because of that no one wants to know me. But I'll get there.

My guess would be that as you are an only child (in this particular situation not all only children) you feel very responsible for her and like you have to please her. Otherwise why would you go and see her or text her daily when she has been so downright rude to you.

OP, I hate to break it to you, but once you have a child, you may well have to do lots of things that she disapproves of, to defend you and your family. She is obviously used to guilting you, and this may well continue as you will have to make your own decisions regarding feeding, sleeping, which school and so on, and she won't have the control she is used to in the situation.

Remember, you do have the power in this situation, you don't have to see her and you don't have to do what she says- you can do you and she can either be nice and join in your family or keep away. I think you are going to have to get tougher with her if you want to have a happy healthy family of your own.

She says it’s awful news, has been the worst 2 weeks of her life, she’s cried every single day and refers to the day I told her as “black Saturday.”

As a mum, having a level of concern for your child in this situation would be normal. However, her reaction is completely over the top and if she doesn't get herself together soon, I'd find her hard to forgive.

She (and maybe you and your partner) may wish that this hadn't happened quite so soon, but you are pushing 30, have a home of your own and work. There is nothing to say that your relationship won't work out at the moment, but even if it doesn't, the situation is very far from the awful one she's making it out to be. I'd tell her that she's welcome to contact me when she stops being so negative. It's your life, not hers. This child will be yours, not hers.

Congratulations. 💐

'Black Saturday' congrats OP. She is ridiculous and will have to get over it!

I agree with Lexplorer’s initial post. I want my DC to lead charmed lives; imo this includes being in a committed, happy, long term relationship before DC are part of the picture.
Of course life does not follow a perfect path and I hope I would not upset my DC with my reaction to an unplanned pregnancy ( was it unplanned?), but would be able to be helpful and supportive towards the decisions they make.

When i first read that I though you were a 16 year old tha way you wrote that.

As to your mum well;!!

Black Saturday !! you couldnt make that one up!!

Oh God. How awful for you. I would keep your distance until she's absorbed the information. Her reaction is probably anxiety and fear. Try not to take it too personally. You sound very mature and sensible. My cousin had a baby recently with someone she had only been with a few months. She was 41 and her sister would hardly speak to her because she thought she was being irresponsible, and she doesn't have her own home.
You will be fine. Just don't contact your mother and just leave her to simmer down.

Congratulations! Wonderful news! Possibly your mum is overcome with concern and doesn't realize how awful her reaction is. I think it's terrible and selfish of her to dampen what should be a time for celebration!. I just met the father of my children when i became pregnant (first time we were together i suspect), so truly met February first week, married over the summer, had first child around Thanksgiving that same year.

My mom worried but my daughters are the light of my life. We were married almost 20 years. No longer together (still married, but happily living separately). But your life, love and family are made of what you put into it, circumstances surrounding the beginnings don't have to have any bearing unless you let them. Go be happy and excited! Tell your mum to get herself together and look forward to her grandchild!

Yes I’m an only child and this is her first grandchild and I think she’s stuck on the fact she wouldn’t have planned it that way, but feels frustrated it’s out of her control. Her and my dad have been together since 16, were married for 7 years before having me so I don’t think she can understand why everyone’s life doesn’t turn out that way.

I did say to her if she can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. However she feels she is being supportive (to be fair she does text asking if I’m ok) it’s the other comments that bug me. I guess she wants me to apologetic and remorseful for the situation and the fact that I keep telling her I’m strong and will find a way to cope clearly aggravates her! Hopefully in time she’ll come round.

I also don’t feel pregnant at all (I’m 6wks +4) and don’t know if that’s normal either?

Congratulations!

If it helps, I’ve observed a lot of middle aged/older parents over the years (observed quietly from the sidelines).... voicing their concerns like this quietly among their peer group when first getting the news - I just smile quietly, knowing that when grandchild arrives they completely and utterly change their attitudes.

Don’t know your Mum’s age, and if it was the same, but for me the schools sex education programmes In the 1960/70’s has a lot to account for - it was definitely biased in my case to make us all feel like criminals too. I feel very angry about that looking back on how it impacted me.

Brilliant advice above from everyone, maybe surround yourself with supportive positive friends who will help you - and as others advise, limit contact after telling your Mum that you want to enjoy your pregnancy and for your own mental health, want to create positive memories of this lovely time.

It may be that if your Mum talks to her friends and peers - that they will also correct her opinion and attitude!

Your Grandparents are going to have some thrilling news - they will become great grandparents 😃

If there is something that she is worried about, due to her own experience, why not say so?

"Sorry, I'm probably overreacting but..."

Black Saturday, crying for 2 weeks?

Sounds deliberately nasty & self centred.

She maybe can't help how she feels-but pushing it onto you?

I'd keep her at arms length for quite a while.

At 6w+4, you may not feel pregnant at all - that's not unusual.

Some people it kicks in early, others later. I used to start to "feel pregnant" at around 9w, but some people don't realise until they give birth so y'know, it's a wide range.

Your mother is probably worried about you being a single mum - does she have old-fashioned notions about you "bringing shame" onto the family, cos that's a load of old bollocks these days.

It does hurt though - when I told my mum I was pg with DS1 (after the first scan) her reaction was "oh no, now I'll have 6 grandchildren" - I mean, wtf? Who even thinks like that and what was it to her? It was very weird. She wasn't good at ever being happy for or with me though, so that might have had something to do with it.
Anyway, as it turned out, she never got to see DS because she died before he was born, so she didn't have 6 grandchildren after all.

It may also be that your mum is being super-negative now because she might be hoping that you'll get a termination - but when you're past that point, she might swing round and start being nicer, because it's a done deal. Of course, from your point of view, it's already a done deal - but she probably thinks that she can change that at the moment.

Either way I think your policy of steering clear of her and the topic is probably the best option or you're going to end up falling out - and it's such a sad thing to fall out over, it's meant to be a happy thing! - so maybe just take a few more steps back and stick with your "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" response to her.

Congratulations!

Don't worry, feeling pregnant will come .

I can kind of understand that your mum is worried for you given the short time you've been with your boyfriend. But she'll no doubt come round.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I wouldn't speak to her until she had changed her attitude.