Pregnant but my Mum is devastated

[Starburst90]

I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant with my first child (6 weeks) but my Mum has not taken it well at all.

She says it’s awful news, has been the worst 2 weeks of her life, she’s cried every single day and refers to the day I told her as “black Saturday.”

Her main reason for not approving is that I’ve only been with my partner since June so it is a new relationship. I’m about to turn 29 though, have my own house and we both have jobs so I feel like people do manage in trickier situations. She also says that my partner will leave me and I won’t be able to cope by myself as my family live 1hr away so I would have limited support. Whilst I’m obviously hoping that won’t happen, I’d like to think that if I was left as a single parent I would be able to survive, as many others do.

She keeps making snipes about my situation which is leading to arguments because I feel she’s being overly negative and I don’t want what might be my only pregnancy to be tainted by the fact she can’t accept it and is miserable all the time. She says she can’t help how she feels and I’m being inconsiderate for not understanding what I’ve put her through by getting myself in this situation. Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this?

Congratulations on your GOOD news 🌷

From her reaction, I was expecting you to say you were a teenager!

As someone old enough (just) to be your mother, I’d be a bit concerned that you were having a baby with a bloke you’ve only been with a very short time & had got together with very quickly after ending a LTR and I can’t keep things to myself so I would have talked to you about that, but just reassured you that you always have our support & assured you that I know you’d cope if you ended up being a single parent. However, I would in no way carry on like she has. I’d mention it once then carry on as an overly excited grandparent!!

Tell her that you understand she’s worried, but that YOU are HAPPY about the news & if she can’t be then you need to distance yourself for a bit because it’s upsetting you

However, I have to stick my MumsnetMum Tuppence worth in here. Get your financials sorted with your DP & don’t make yourself financially vulnerable or kill your career!! Too many (especially unmarried) women still do this & trap themselves into a life they wouldn’t have chosen!

If you’ve been in MN 5 minutes you must have read some of those threads.

Hugs 🤗 I fell pregnant at 19 so a different scenario but my mum was gutted. She was really horrible to me. I’m aware I was young and she was disappointed, I understand that but she said some real nasty things to me and I still struggle to get past it now even though she has seemed to have forgot about how she spoke to me and has never actually apologised but she dotes in her grandchildren.

Sorry you’re going through this. I am sure she will come around. Sounds like you will be fine. 29 isn’t young, you have a home, many couples fall pregnant after only dating for a short while and they stay together just fine 😃

She needs to get a grip. You are 29. A grown woman. Dont let her belittle you.
Calling it "black saturday" is just horrific.
Tell her not to guilt trip you and if she has nothing constructive to say to not contact you. If she starts going on like this hang up the phone, leave the room, or warn her you will block her number from texting you. Your mental health & welbeing is more important.
Its one thing her expressing concern but this is next level shit.

I agree with blueshoes. I can see your mother's reasons for concern. That being said, her reaction is way OTT. She could have expressed her concern in a much more calm and reasonable way.

Every parent faces disagreement with and fear of decisions their children have made at some point. Every child faces criticism and disapproval from their parent about a decision made at some point. The main thing for both parties is to be able to express views calmly, listen to the other quietly, agree to disagree, and keep mouths shut afterwards.

If the two of you aren't able to speak with her without the conversation degenerating into an argument, then I think you should simply tell her that you love her very much, but that you think the two of you need to have a conversational 'break' from each other so she can fully think things through and decide if she will be able to be supportive of you or not. Perhaps, given time to think quietly, she'll come round.

I had a friend in a similar situation (in the early 80s). Her mother didn't have PND and reacted in the same way. It was about her religious beliefs and 'what will my friends/the neighbors think!'.

She asked her DD not to tell anybody and to let her (the mum) tell her friends. When she did tell, her friends told her she was being stupid, that a grandchild is a blessing no matter how they make their appearance. When that child came, she was the light of her life and her greatest joy. Give your mum time.

My MIL tried this on on my SIL. Told her she needed to abort. That they were "ruining" their lives. Now she's the biggest brownnose to those girls. Hypocrites.

How peculiar and a shame she has reacted like this especially when I am sure you want to all be happy and excited about your first baby. You are in a good position with having a house and you are nearly 30 not 13! I was pregnant after 3 months of meeting my Husband with a planned baby (yes we moved quickly) and we are still together 9 years later.

Many congrats on your pregnancy OP, I can only imagine how hurt you were by your mums reaction. My mum also has an acid tongue, we have been NC for many years due to this. Wishing you all the best OP.

Congratulations @Starburst90!

In your shoes, I would be telling your Mum that

‘I am happy to be be pregnant, this could be my first and last pregnancy and I won’t spend it with you constantly crying and being negative! I am pregnant with your grandchild! If you can’t be happy for me and pleasant about it then I will have to distance myself from you. Likewise I won’t want a Grandmother who treats their grandchild like a devastating mistake around my child. If you want to be involved with your grandchild then you need to grow up and start supporting me! I am not a 16 year old schoolgirl, I am 29 years old, with a good job and home and I am more than capable of loving and raising my child! I won’t listen to any more of your self absorbed grief- so either get over it and start behaving like a loving Mother, or back off and leave me to do this without you.

I suggest you have a solo meeting with your Dad, and you tell him in no uncertain terms that your mum is behaving absolutely foully, you've been relatively patient so far despite her ruining one of the most important moments of your life for you, that you will not be indulging her any further and if she carries on, she'll be out of your life and her grandchild's life. For good. Because no way will you allow an attitude like this around your child, and you don't wantit around you either.

Shocking behaviour and hopefully your dad can give her a stern talking to and a fucking big shake before she ruins some of her closest relationships.

Don't for a minute apologise, or tread carefully, or give this utterly silly and childish woman the slightest sign that what she's doing is ok. That will only make her worse.

She is going to have some major grovelling to do.

Tell her to fuck off and go no contact.

Your be fine. Congratulations

I’m being inconsiderate for not understanding what I’ve put her through by getting myself in this situation

You naughty, naughty, girl OP.
Did you not get the memo advising you that Nice Girls only have sex with the permission of their mothers?
& that the decison about whether to have a baby should ONLY be taken by their mothers?

The 'black saturday' comment is really, really unpleasant, wounding & worrying. Please have a browse (you can 'open this book online' for preview on Amazon) at the linked book above - "Understanding the Borderline Mother". It helped save my sanity, dealing with my own BPD mum. At the very least, you will gain a heap of insight & tactical advice to arm yourself with as you deal with your mother's ridiculous self-absorption & disaster-projection going forward.

Don't for a minute apologise, or tread carefully, or give this utterly silly and childish woman the slightest sign that what she's doing is ok. That will only make her worse.

Damn right, @FizzyGreenWater

@Lexplorer - she may well be scared, and she may well not be vile and self-centred but her reaction certainly is.

It is quite clear from this thread that there are many posters who have had to live with narc mothers and their grim behaviour, plus had to shut up for fear of others siding with the poor mother who is only, after all, concerned for her babies. It took me nearly half a century of shit to see certain behaviour for what it was.

OP - if this reaction and making everything about herself is a one-off then try to cut her some slack. Lexplorer may be right. If, on reflection, you see it is actually part of a longstanding pattern then it looks like you may have yourself a narc mother. Sorry. They're tough.

Whatever, you need to navigate this situation as best you can. A bit of polite detachment may be in order while your mother works out how she is going to behave ongoing. I hope your partner is pleased about the pregnancy and that everything works out well for you.

I'd be unhappy too, but her reaction is out of order and jeopardising your relationship. I would tell her just this and tell her to get back with you when she's able to see sense.

Her main reason for not approving is that I’ve only been with my partner since June so it is a new relationship. I’m about to turn 29 though, have my own house and we both have jobs so I feel like people do manage in trickier situations. She also says that my partner will leave me and I won’t be able to cope by myself as my family live 1hr away so I would have limited support.

Does she actively dislike your partner for some reason?
Why is she concerned that your partner will leave you?

How dare she put you through this when it should be one of the happiest times of your life.

She's a very selfish and controlling women.

Firstly ignore her utterly self-centred claptrap & don’t buy all the ‘it’s because I care’ shit because if her reaction was coming from a place of concern for you rather than herself she would take your feelings into account not force hers onto you. Does she always make everything about her?

I was first pregnant at a similar age to you with my partner of 4 months. We’ve been together 17 years now, have two children & are doing great. Hopefully your relationship will work out, how does your partner feel about it? Is he supportive & do you see a future with him?

Excellent advice upthread, tell her her negative attitude is really not helpful, you are happy about this pregnancy & you’d like her to be too, it’s a positive situation and if she can’t find anything nice to say then don’t say anything.

Congratulations btw

Gosh I cannot understand women like your Mother, a grandchild is a very special and wonderful thing, there are many of us out there who are very unlikely to become grandparents due to many reasons and circumstances.
Just remind her OP what a very lucky woman she is!

Your mum has reacted like this because she cares about you and likely had a similar reaction from your grandparents hence the warning. Just keep reminding yourself of that. Give her time - bet she’ll be happier once she sees the first scan photo.

A very good old friend of mine was absolutely vile to her daughter who was in her 20s and pregnant. The daughter was on the pill and had some gynae issues so saw a consultant - she was five months pregnant! My friend screamed, ranted and raved; she wasn't keen on the chap though her daughter had been with him since her school days (and she didn't want a biracial grandchild). Of course it was a bit late at that stage to do anything about it, the daughter was well educated, had a good job, etc. She hadn't intended to become pregnant, it was an accident.

Poor thing had to have an emergency C section and a beautiful little girl emerged. Grandmother was of course over the moon, adored her but I remember her saying to me, "I don't deserve this happiness when I think what I put her mother through". People do learn eventually.

I think your mum will come round in the end, it will be her loss if she doesn't. I'd like to think both your parents will be there for you when it all happens.

You haven't come back and told us how your boyfriend feels about it - I hope he's OK and supportive. You're not the first to become pregnant quickly and unexpectedly.

Good luck!

I'm a similar age to you and was in a similar position. My dad was not happy, said I'd not last with my partner etc and couldn't even look after myself never mind a baby. He spoke about me to most of my family as if I was a child.

Our daughter is 18 months now and she's happy and my dad absolutely dotes on her and has done since the day she was born, and me tbh. I just kept going and enjoyed everything anyway, a lot of other people were over the moon for us.

My nan was another one who was similar. I just kept sending her scan pictures and eventually she warmed up and was happy.

Congratulations OP!

I'm so sorry your mum is being so awful... it's really sad. She wont get this time back, her first experience as a grandparent.. and she risk alienating you and making your first experience of pregnancy more stressful than it needs to be. I really dont understand anyone who reacts like your mum has... even if your child is in a much more vulnerable position and falls pregnant... well of shes decided to keep the baby the theres absolutely nothing you can do but make the best of it, be supportive and give encouragement and practical help....your mother sounds like a narcissist. You are actually in a really stable position apart from the fairly new relationship... and the length of a relationship is no indicator a man is going to be a good father and stick around or not.. I know people who were together years before having a baby and the the man immediately ran off! What matters is how YOU feel... and clearly you want this child and are happy with your relationship and your life... so I'd be very happy for you if I were your mum.
I feel pregnant after being with a guy for only 3 months.. I had known him as a friend for years though tbf... but my parents were very supportive. I was younger than you and in rented housing... me and the father have been married six years now and own our own home together and have had another baby...
I'm so sad your own mother cant realise how ridiculously over the top she is being about this situation..

I think you need to lessen contact with her throughout your pregnancy.. you dont need that kind of negativity and stress whilst you are carrying a child. I hope she manages to get a grip and have a word with herself and apologises for her initial reaction at some point.

I don't have any advice for you, just want to say congratulations on your wonderful news and I hope things with your mum get better soon

OP you still haven't told us what your partner thinks of your pregnancy? Surely what they think is much more important that what your mum says.