The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread

[KnitKitty]

Hello,

Starting a new penguin huddle for those of us who've graduated from the conception boards.

As I said in the old TTC thread, getting a BFP after pregnancy loss is not necessarily a happy time so this is a safe place to vent, worry and share news (good, hopefully, or bad).

I hope you are all here for the long-haul. But you are welcome no matter how briefly.
Others who are pregnant after loss but who weren't on the original thread are of course welcome too.

My stats:
TTC since Dec 2017
Age: 31
TTC no.1
1 MMC and 3 early losses between 4-5 weeks (or, CPs, but I hate that term) all happened last year within the space of 10 months.
Currently 6+1 with 5th pregnancy

@InDreamland @moonpeace @Bluebelltulip @hayleyfx @Laney79 Please add others I may have forgotten!

Good luck in your scans this week @Coconutlatte44 and @Hayleyfx. I hope your sickness eases soon hayleyfx.

Sorry your mum wasn't more supportive @InDreamland it's so hard not to blame ourselves even though we know it's not our fault without parents saying things like that.

@Knitkitty I'm feeling a bit better, grief really does come in waves which knock me a lot. I've been back in maternity clothes for a month no point not being comfortable. I did treat myself to some shorts after my scan as well.

@tinatsarina it took many months to stop blaming myself for both mc's so to feel like I was somehow bring judged to be doing things I shouldn't even though I know it's okay and safe just tipped me over the edge. I just don't need it when I'm anxious enough as it is.

@coconutlatte44 glad to hear you seem to be enjoying your hols and sounds like you're well. Not long until the scan now, keeping fx for a healthy bean in there.

@KnitKitty thank you for sharing your experience with the scan. I've still had some twinges but not as strong so think it must have been the scanner thing pushing down, my goodness when she pushed down on the tummy I thought I was going to wet myself. Right on my bladder. Glad to hear you're still getting good strong symptoms. Plus amazing you've taken the plunge with maternity wear. I am going to wait for after my 12 week scan and fx we haven't lost this one I will then buy some bits as some clothes are really getting uncomfortable from the bloating. I was actually wearing one of my comfortable dresses one day this week, allowing my bloat to not be restricted and got offered a seat on the tube!

Does anyone else feel like they've just wasted their weekend sleeping? Been exhausted. Feel like I have been so unproductive because I've slept for hours on the sofa.

Also, this weekend I've been hating certain smells of food which I normally love, including the smell of coffee. Making me feel sick. Not knowing what I want to eat or can eat. I think I'm hungry but I'm not sure. So confused. Am I making sense?

Thanks @Bluebelltulip I was not happy, just don't need to feel judged at the moment and not need advice from someone who clearly has no idea what I went through or am going through now.

@InDreamland the line between being hungry and wanting something and it making me sick is very fine atm. I've pretty much gone completely off coffee. I've also been very lucky and had 3 lie ins as DH has got up with DD and PIL have done a lot of the running around after her. I've felt lazy but all 3 of them just told me to rest and they didn't mind. I did cook a roast and baked a pudding while they did gardening earlier though.

@Bluebelltulip I'm so glad it's bit just me and you're having similar issues. I'm impressed you made so much food today. I know it's late but getting DH to make me some mash now. Minimal smell and should go down easily ........I hope. Gonna attempt broccoli with it.

Thanks everyone 💕

@KnitKitty you’re right, if I’m that sick again I’ll go to the hospital. Although today I’ve managed to eat (the one thing I was craving was dominos... 🤣) it went down well though! Will let you all know how Friday goes, very nervous. Hope you’re doing well x

Morning all.

I haven't kept up at all this weekend, my mum's birthday party was a great success but I really struggled. Doing food and getting everything ready, then entertaining... I thought my family would leave early evening after the lunch but they stayed until about 9pm by which time I was willing them to get out!! It was all too much and yesterday I found it really hard. Luckily the kids from next door played with DD so I managed to chill out a bit but I still feel shattered. I've got my therapy session today and am "working from home" so I hope I can have a nap!

Apart from feeling tired I still feel nauseous but more than that I feel super anxious all over again. My scan was a week ago tomorrow and despite feeling really positive after that I now just feel panicked and am convinced something has gone wrong. I obviously told more family on Saturday and have also told more people at work, simply because I can't hide the bump anymore. I just wish I could keep it secret longer as I just have a bad feeling and it's like the anxiety is winning and taking over again. Hopefully my counsellor can help today as right now I just feel like crying and hiding away. Probably also because I'm so tired and run down. Sorry for the massive waffle and selfish post!

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I think it must be a day for worries and anxiety. Big hugs.

I'm 14 weeks today and I'm getting more and more concerned by the lack of bump. My jeans still fit (maybe a touch on the right side but no issues doing them up) and I don't look at all pregnant. It is my first continuing pregnancy and I'm not a skinny Minnie (I'm 5ft 9 and around 11.5-12 stone when not pregnant-just in normal bmi range.) I do have a retroverted uterus so I keep trying to tell myself it's ok-but as time goes on I'm getting more and more worried by the lack of a bump. Have another reassurance scan on weds. Anyone else not had a bump until much later? I looked at the jan antenatal thread and there's pics on there of bumps that are really noticeable and they're not as far along as me.

Glad the party went well and hope you get a nap today @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue.

@Laney79 I was starting to feel uncomfortable in my jeans at 14 weeks with DD1 but no visible bump then it popped out by 20 weeks. Subsequent pregnancies have been much earlier especially this time.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I just want to give you a massive hug! Hope you get a nap in today, I need to join you. So sorry you're also feeling super anxious, I'm with you there. Fx your counselling session goes well today and helps. Hope you don't mind me asking, where are you getting it through? Is it NHS or a work one? I'm considering calling my work counselling service but not sure if they can really help me. Please don't apologise, we all need to ask for help or offload on here, that's what this thread is for x

@Laney79 I'm certainly no expert as both my losses were 1st trimester so never reached bump stage but I have read that bump often doesn't pop until earliest 17-18 weeks and sometimes later if your first.

I need a pity party, feeling sorry for myself, absolutely exhausted, I cannot get enough sleep and I'm feeling nauseous but not throwing up. Struggling to drink water, trying to sip instead of down a glass of water but it doesn't help at all so worried I'll be dehydrated. I'm so worried though that even though I'm feeling like this my boobs feel normal and that things already gone wrong since scan last week Wednesday. Can someone knock me out and wake me up in 32 weeks and hand me a baby please?

I did a counselling service last year through my work healthcare package @InDreamland. It was good but I only got six sessions and I felt sometimes it was a bit rushed and she was very focused on "finding solutions", making me meditate, setting me goals etc. Not that there is anything wrong with that and I totally agree with a lot of it, but I wanted something slower, more of a chance for me to chat and offload at my own pace, so I found a private counsellor. She specialises in women's issues, fertility, pregnancy loss etc and is lovely. Only problem is it's expensive and I am going to tell her today I need to stop coming weekly as I need to save my money now!

I had a tough night last night woke at 3 with everything on my mind, had a dream we were having triplets (I'm a triplet). Then kept thinking but what if I go to a scan and it's bad news again. I could not get those thoughts out of my head. Eventually went to sleep again but it took forever. I'm going to phone my epu when I finish work to see if I can book a scan. Cuz I can't keep this up.

@laney79 it's very normal to not pop a bump until 20w or even longer with your first pregnancy that gets there. I went up a size in jeans for comfort and didn't go into to mat jeans until 20w and I still where the same pair now. A new rule - never compare bumps, our bodies are so different.

Same for weight gain...I'm 37w and have gained 10.5 pounds since the start. Not kidding. Some ladies have gained that in the first trimester alone. My own sister gained 3st....We're just so different, don't worry x

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue tiredness and hormones can be a killer in the first few months. Good to discuss it with your counsellor, and feeling anxious is ok and normal, so long as you have more good days than bad. Give yourself a break today, sneak and your in the sun on your own, have a soak in the bath tonight, once you have s good nights sleep after a busy weekend you'll feel a bit better x

@InDreamland and @Bluebelltulip food aversions.. what I found useful was to pre prepare some foods that I could usually eat, as sometimes it wasn't the food itself it was the cooking that put me off, either smells or tiredness. . Lasagnes, shepherds pie, jacket potato, comfort foods that I could freeze and pull out with minimal effort. I also at times resorted to things like tinned ravioli on toast - so long as your eating then it will keep you going x

@hayleyfx ummmmm dominos 😋

@tinatsarina yes if its stressing you out then call epu, not sleeping makes everything feel x 10 worse in early pregnancy anyway xx

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue is this the place you went to? fetalmedicine.com

I asked DH to book another scan in there because the one we went to can't fit us in until end of the month. Told him that's the place and he books a completely different company. Cannot rely on him for anything. Driving me crazy. I need another scan booked in. I'm going crazy, constantly feel like I'm about to start mc again. Scans really only give very short term relief from anxiety.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue thank you for sharing. I'm sil in two mins whether to try my work one. Hope your session went well today. Sorry you have to stop doing it, private care is expensive.

@tinatsarina that must be so cool being a triplet! Sorry you had a tough night. Signs like a few of us are struggling today. Did you get a scan booked in?

@Yukka good idea with the batch cooking. We've depleted or stock of homemade ready meals.

@InDreamland my baby was the most scanned baby in history- I had one at 7 one at ten the NHS ones an extra anomaly scan at 20 one at 29 one at around 33.
As you say it only fixes anxiety for a brief time, I would advise ten weeks as there's quite a bit you can see going on, and if you're doing a harmony can get it done at same time.

@rubyroot thank you. I don't think I can wait until 10 weeks for another scan. I'm only 7+5 now and already got the anxiety ramped up again. I know I'm crazy but I just can't help it. Convinced something had gone wrong again since Wednesday night. Keep thinking heartbeat stopped right after the scan. I'd get a scan every day if I could.

@InDreamland - I totally get the anxiety. With this pregnancy I have had a scan every week from 8 weeks...when I say it out loud it does sound OTT, but it's the only way I am able to get through it without tipping over the edge. Tbh the last scan has really calmed down the anxiety and won't have one now until I return from holiday (3 week stint in between 😬). Book another scan if it helps the mind. Hell, book as many as you can.

Hey @Laney79 - I'm slightly ahead of you at 15+3 and have started to get a thickening of the belly and my stomach feels like I've eaten a big meal all day. But don't quite have bump yet. Don't have any children, so this is my first. Apparently we won't show until later, but it's so hard not to compare.

@Amanda81 and @InDreamland I had a scan on Friday and I'm already feeling worried again too, I think when I can feel movement it will help but not completely as even when my DD was very poorly her movements were normal until just before she died. I'm trying to think more positively as we all know worrying won't change the outcome.

@Yukka after your post earlier I made a lasagne for tea, DH is eying up the leftovers for his lunches which was not the idea though. My DD1 decided to do a poo when I was feeling sick earlier, how I didn't end up being sick while I changed her I do not know.

Of course you would, you have to balance it out for how long it relieves anxiety for and how much money you have to spare I Guess. For me the anxiety was always there and at that point I'd only had one miscarriage! Looking back I don't know how much it helped as towards the end I'd question every measurement that was t totally average and it made my anxiety worse

Yes @InDreamland that's the place! They've been fantastic so far so if you book I hope you have a good experience.

Decided to continue with my therapy fortnightly as that will save money but I will still get the safe space to work on stuff. I don't in anyway feel "done".

Sorry everyone feels so anxious today. I have two weeks until my next scan and am already debating on booking another for sooner!

Re bumps @Laney79 I definitely have a bump right now, but I'm shocked because with my DD I didn't get a bump until around 18 weeks and I'm sure it wasn't this big! I know they say second time around it appears sooner but I am actually quite embarrassed by it - a lady on the bus couldn't believe I was only 14 weeks! Anyway, most of the mums I know have all carried so differently, from big bumps, to changing body shapes. I really don't think there is any norm or pattern so please don't worry! It will pop out of nowhere before you know it!

@Amanda81 I'm so with you! Will definitely be getting another scan booked in. How you can go 3 weeks without one is beyond me. Hope the hols helps as a distraction.

@Bluebelltulip you're so amazingly strong. You won't relax until baby is delivered healthy and screaming into the world. You're right though that worrying won't change things.

@rubyroot thank you. How are you doing?

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue thank you. Perfect. If baby had a heartbeat still then I'm sure it'll be a good experience. I'll be getting in contact with them.

I meant when measurements were not average the later scans would sometimes worry me more. Sometimes it's a case of dammed if you do and damned if you don't!

@InDreamland I'm good thanks. Boobs are hurting and have pmt_ keep expecting period and then it doesn't arrive. Perhaps this is the case with period after a 'chemical pregnancy'.

I feel like this was a walk in the park compared to what I went through Before... Seeing a heart beat at 9 weeks and then fluid round baby at 13. And I have the best 18 month old in the world to keep me busy and entertained

@rubyroot I see what you're saying. It's just such an anxious time. Glad you're okay. Hope the witch stays away. AF after mc #2 for me kinda came back fairly on time. Actually cycles shortened after each mc.

Feeling sorry for myself again this morning. Tube travel makes me feel 🤢 wearing those sickness bands for the wrists. Also when I sneeze my goodness today it is really painful in the lower abs on both sides. Really worrying. I just want to be in bed.

www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/sneezing-during-pregnancy

I googled for you and its come up as normal. 😊