The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread

[KnitKitty]

Hello,

Starting a new penguin huddle for those of us who've graduated from the conception boards.

As I said in the old TTC thread, getting a BFP after pregnancy loss is not necessarily a happy time so this is a safe place to vent, worry and share news (good, hopefully, or bad).

I hope you are all here for the long-haul. But you are welcome no matter how briefly.
Others who are pregnant after loss but who weren't on the original thread are of course welcome too.

My stats:
TTC since Dec 2017
Age: 31
TTC no.1
1 MMC and 3 early losses between 4-5 weeks (or, CPs, but I hate that term) all happened last year within the space of 10 months.
Currently 6+1 with 5th pregnancy

@InDreamland @moonpeace @Bluebelltulip @hayleyfx @Laney79 Please add others I may have forgotten!

@tinatsarina I'm still eating no problem. Still have a healthy appetite (greedy). It's a good sign that you are off food.

@theAntsareMyFriends did you have a nice technology break?

@Mirana hope your GP can help. Remember it's all a good sign.

@FirstTimeMama91 oooh that's exciting. Good they do reassurance scans at your EPU. Hope you get to see a heartbeat.

@Newbie21 I hope you get a break from that uncomfortable feeling soon and maybe replaced with something else. My GP surgery has got really unhelpful, they used to be really good but in the past 18 months they're just not as good. I think they're so stretched they look for any excuse not to help. I will have to just keep trying the midwife line and hope I get them to pick up. It's difficult to do at work though where there's nowhere private to take a call.

@coconutlatte44 hope it goes well at the midwife tomorrow.

@InDreamland thank youuu fx x

Aaarrrggghhhhh ladies someone stop me POAS! Did another one 20 mins ago, blazing positive again. I mean I have a massive stash of them so it's not like I'm spending more money. I just need to be reminded I'm actually pregnant, zero symptoms! Maybe it's a phantom pregnancy, some mystery hormones but in reality no baby. I'm going crazy 🤪

Forget the midwives at this stage they won’t do much. Get yourself to the docs and get yourself a hug test and then another.

The poas won’t tell you anything. You can continue a pregnancy and the hormones be strong if you have a Mmc for instance. I’m not trying to scare you, but honestly the results from that are not conclusive. Just get yourself to the bloody docs for god sake and get yourself a proper test.

Hcg test. Then get yourself booked for an early scan beginning of next week. The drs will do this for you I’m sure if you nag

@InDreamland I was the same; testing every 3-4 days for about 2 weeks because I had zero symptoms and just couldn't get my head around it.
Keep plugging away at the midwife line. I would encourage you to tell the surgery if it doesn't appear to be working though because otherwise you might just be ringing a 'dead' number.

@rubyroot my GP surgery won't do it, they just tell me to go to EPU if there's a problem.

@KnitKitty I think I will keep trying, they have an email address too on the Trust website for that community midwife team so I'll try that if I don't get anywhere by Friday. Glad I'm not the only one who keeps POAS. On one hand I just want to know what's going on and on the other hand I don't because I'm terrified of mc#3. I feel so conflicted.

And I thought my gps were shit! I need to cancel the scan they booked for 7 weeks. I keep forgetting to ring them. I’ve been in a queue twice and the number for epau rings out. Note to self ring tomorrow.

Right, self refer to epau then. Get yourself sorted. Someone needs to see you. Say you’ve been spotting on and off which isn’t a lie. You should get seen. Alternatively go sit in a and e and tell them the same.

Just get seen, this has been so anxiety inducing for you hasn’t it and you need some answers. I’m hoping that it will be good news and then you can relax a little bit. X

@InDreamland if you're spotting they should definitely test HCG levels for your over a course of a few days - do give them a call this morning and push for it.

I'm due on my period today so naturally I pissed on every single version of pregnancy tests I own. Reassuringly everything came back as blazing positive (which I know doesn't mean anything in itself!) but I think I can now step away from the tests for a few days. I've got another big week at work and I think I just need to focus on keeping on top of stress and anxiety in that.

I've got an appointment at the GP on Friday so I will discuss the issue of the midwife with them and I suppose what will be will be!

I've got my DH to hide all of my pregnancy tests because I know I would poas everyday if he didn't lol.
It's not fair that pregnancy is such a nerve wrecking time for us x

@FirstTimeMama91 pregnancy loss literally sucks the joy out of this!

With my first I was the girl from the CB advert - POAS, told me I was preggers, absolutely no worries and eight months later I had a baby.

Since MC I'm like a woman demented when it comes to testing! I google absolutely everything and I haven't really managed to get in any way excited about this yet. It's still very early days for me but at the moment I am just constantly constantly knicker checking. This group is honestly my sanity.

@Frillyfarmer yep I hear you!!
It's v early days for me too, I think we got our bfp same day - last Friday I got mine?

I'm just trying to keep telling myself it's a new pregnancy and not to worry while things are looking good. But it's hard!

@rubyroot thank you. Yes this is really making my anxiety go through the roof. I just need to try and get through a second at a time at the moment. I'm too scared to be told sorry it's another mc. First was a mmc, how my body kept being pregnant for 6.5 weeks before it started spotting is beyond me and then another week before I passed it naturally. I'm actually 3 weeks away today from the anniversary of passing #1 and it's also the due date of #2. Probably not helping my head. I'm so busy at work with a full diary and my boss is on holiday so I feel like I am just stuck. Anyways, I am scared to get blood tests and scans because I'm scared what I'll be told. I want to pretend I'm not pregnant but I can't. Hope you manage to get through to your GP or EPU, must be annoying.

@Frillyfarmer I'm in an all day meeting this morning and it's not one I can pull out of. Like I say my GP is next to useless so I'd have to go sit and wait for hours in EPU and I hate that place. It's also a nightmare to get to. I know I'm making excuses. I just don't want this to get in the way of work. I've had so much time off for the last 2 pregnancies last year, feel like it is taking over my life in a really negative way. If you have nice strong lines hopefully everything is okay and you get good support on Friday. I'm just with you on the 24 hour knicker watch.

@FirstTimeMama91 I like the positive thinking, it is a new pregnancy. New egg new sperm.

Urgh I hate tube travel at the best of times. When it's hot and sticky and I am getting nauseous from the motion (I don't normally - exclusively when I'm pregnant) it's hideous.

The thing is @InDreamland you might have something going on that needs treatment to prevent an mc. You could have a weak cervix and need a stitch. You could have a blood clot sitting near the baby. It could be perfectly fine in there. There's a whole list of things that could be going on but you're obsession with mc is blinding you.

I'm not sure what you need for your anxiety to pass enough so that you get proper care. Is it your previous mc due dates? Your previous due dates? All of that is going to happen anyway and has no link to a new spontaneous pregnancy. You certainly won't feel better when they pass.

How would you feel if you did mc and the cause was something that was preventable, if only you had gone to the epu?

I'm not sure living second by second is healthy and it could be worth seeing a gp for that in itself.

When do you think you won't be scared? I can tell you it probably is only when the baby is here and breathing in your arms, you've got a long road ahead, a lot of scans and tests and other things that will keep your anxiety's high for many months to come.

What your feeling now isn't a one off and won't go away. You really need to prioritise this pregnancy in your life. You should have a heartbeat in 6 days. Remember most women who mc twice have a healthy third pregnancy. Only 1% of women end up in the 3 or more category, there's no reason at the moment to think your in that minority.

@InDreamland the anxiety after miscarriages is really difficult to get over. I'm trying to be optimistic because, as my mum and DH keep pointing out, we're going to be just as devastated if we lose it whether we believed it would work out or not so we might as well try to enjoy the happy part.

Just to report that my 12 week scan went well this morning. Measuring 12+1 which is pretty much bang on - by the last scan I should be 12+2 today but the lady said not to worry at all about that, even though I probably will! She couldn't get a decent photo and baby was upside down but I am not bothered as she got all the measurements and said all looked as it should be. Saw baby's legs wriggling around and heard the heartbeat😍 Due date is 6th January.

Had a bit of a drama with the antenatal clinic over declining their screening after having had the Harmony test. It was all sorted after I asked to speak to a midwife not the sonographer who frankly was a cow and clearly didn't understand.

Anyway, I had a big meltdown at my counsellor yesterday and sobbed my eyes out. I realised much like @Yukka has outlined that I am probably never going to fully relax in this pregnancy. I always saw today as some sort of "safe point" and assumed I'd tell more people (only immediate family, one friend and my boss know) but I realised that I am just not ready and I don't think I will ever completely relax until (hopefully) baby is here. She is going to work with me to help me take it Day by day and to work on my anxiety. Have realised all I can do is be optimistic. So far everything is going well so I just have to breathe and have faith. It's so fucking hard though isn't it @InDreamland?! I would definitely recommend therapy or some sort of counselling. It's a long road to 40 weeks and we should get all the support we can get xxx

Sorry to everyone I have t acknowledged! I hope everyone is doing ok xxx

How is everyone today? I'm 5 weeks tomorrow so might arrange drs appointment for next week if I can. I'm getting the short sharp pains now and again so I'm just trying to slow down. Not easy when you work in a daycare.

@moonpeace great to hear from you and great news on your scans! I know that we only relax for a day or so after a scan but these are big milestones you are getting through - and your body IS getting through them! This time must be so scary for you and I know how much getting past these dates can drag. Deep breaths and one day at a time. And regarding the one magpie, there is one little bugger who comes in my garden all the time - I never seem to see a pair or more. I have decided he is my lucky one magpie. Maybe yours is the same xxx

Great news @moonpeace and @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue on the scans.

On the notion of telling people, I sort of went the opposite on this one, told all our family and my boss and close colleagues from the beginning, with a statement that if it goes well then great, if it doesn't then I'm going to need your support. We only officially let it come out on Facebook etc about a month or so ago. It just never felt like something to plop Facebook knowing our journey,but everyone feels different.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I was a day out too :) good your still accessing the counselling service they'll support you as much or as little that you need. 12w is a massive milestone and it's such a low risk of mc at this stage - allow yourself a deep breath and relax for a day! Not long till you start monitoring movements :) mine started at 17w which is early for first time mums but I think we are way more sensitive to everything after mc.

@moonpeace it's so hard passing by your previous mc dates, I think your down to 20% risk after heartbeat at 8w. My consultant described it as something 'catastrophic' has to happen after that point, which I found as a useful way to think about my own risks and managing anxieties.

Oh and re the magpies! One was living in a tree at end of the garden and kept coming into the garden for months. I was the same like omg sod off! Then about 4 weeks ago out popped 3 other magpies, one big two small so 4 in total.. The first magpie was dad getting food for mum and babies :) yours could be the same 👶🏻

I guess it means I'm having a boy then ....we'll see.

@Yukka thank you for your post and advice. I don't know what I need either that will help my anxiety. For every reason there is to request a blood test or scan or progesterone there is an excuse or reason stopping me. I do need to speak to a midwife if I can get through to one. We know the reason for the 2 mc's and it's not me. It's DH's swimmers. He has DNA fragmentation damage and they cannot work out what is causing it so we have been told that because of that there is a very high likelihood of further mc's if we even did manage to conceive again. That is why I'm so resigned to mc#3. If we can get through trimester 1 with a healthy scan at 13 weeks then our chances are better but it will take a miracle and that is what I am hoping for.

@Beaglemum93 I think because of DH's results and prognosis I am trying not to be too invested and attached to this pregnancy. The anxiety of pregnancy after loss is so tough so it's great you're trying to be optimistic.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue fantastic news on your scan. What a milestone, great that everything is looking good. Try to focus on that. Yes it's hard but good you have support through a counsellor. I'm actually wondering now if I should make use of our EAP at work. Don't feel pressured to tell anyone until you are ready. We've not even told our family yet. Only people who know are you ladies here and on the other thread, my boss, one female colleague just in case I do pass out in the office as my boss is not often in, gym trainers for obvious reasons and acupuncturist. We have no plans to tell anyone else until I feel ready.

@tinatsarina we are exactly a week apart although NHS calculator put me at 6 weeka yesterday because of my shorter than average cycle. Fx for the next 35 weeks for you!

@moonpeace I was tested for progesterone at the infertility gynae clinic twice in different years, including beginning of this year and it came back normal. Would progesterone be prescribed despite that? Also tested for blood clotting and that was clear, along with a load of other tests that all came back normal. I hear what you and the other lovelies are saying, I'm just not convinced that with DH's results that anything I can take will help. It's a waiting game to see if miraculously one of his very few healthy swimmers made it. It's a good sign that you have a healthy 8 week scan. Did you have healthy 8 week scans with your losses? Is that what is contributing to the anxiety? I am hopeful for you that this one will be different and go the 40 weeks.

Ok well I think two things @InDreamland being

1: all the more reason to be seen now given you are aware of existing medical issues and
2: Your oh diagnosis doesn't mean that's what's actually happening now. You could have caught healthy sperm and still have other issues to contend with.

Given point 1. I would imagine they'd bring you in for scans every 2 weeks at epu along with anxiety counselling and possibly extra monitoring throughout the pregnancy, if they knew you were pregnant in order to offer that of course.

We obviously can't talk you into it, so I can only wish it goes well for you x