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Original poster

Fight with DP

179 replies

GoingtobeLonely · 18/07/2007 11:51

Have been posting on here for a while but have changed my name because i am ashamed, last night my DP and i had a huge arguement in the middle of our road, in which he spat in my face, threw me to the floor and chucked me in the bushes several times, broke my necklace, smacked me around the face, shouted a lot and went to kick me, he rufuses accept that he has done anything wrong and just excused himseld by saying that i have made the last month of his life hell, i have been quite hormonal as i am 5 months pregnant, he kept asking if i am going to give him the last month of his life back, he then went on to say that it wasnt his baby and told me to have an abortion and that he wasnt going to do 'more than he has to' this upsets me because its our child that will be loosing out more than me, we will live together seperately and im also worried that he will bring people back to the house with him

i dont know what i am expecting by posting this on here, just hoping for a bit of advice and support i suppose! i feel so

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 19/07/2007 11:37

GTBL - let someone else fix him, you need to support you and your baby, you don't need the burden of his insecurities too

singingmum · 19/07/2007 11:38

Wonder how you will feel when SS comes to take your precious bundle away GTBL because thats what will happen if you stay there

Original poster
GoingtobeLonely · 19/07/2007 11:43

it has only happened 3 times, out of three years, its not like it happens avery weekend, he just need to curb his temper, so do i, i have thrown things at him before and shouted and screamed at him and broken things, i am going to anger management, hopefull that will help us, and even though i know he cant get the time off to do anger management hiself, i can pass on what i get 'taught'

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PregnantGrrrl · 19/07/2007 11:46

even if you don't have the strength or self respect to leave him for yourself, what about your baby?

how will he cope with toddler tantrums and defiance? or a beligerant teen? do you really want your child to feel as frightened and degraded as you did?

Mumpbump · 19/07/2007 11:48

GTBL - I wish you the very best in trying to make it work. I really hope that he sorts out his issues and things change, but I am worried that they won't. If this happens again, I hope you will reconsider what people on this thread have said.

Please don't feel that you owe him anything because he helped you out of a bad patch though. People go through bad patches and the reality is that only you can change your life. So it is YOU who are responsible for sorting things out, not him, and you owe him nothing. Plus times change and you should feel that you have a debt of gratitude which binds you to him.

My brother's attitude was very much "the vows of marriage are sacred and I must stay with my wife" when we were all saying "but she has broken her vows by beating you up"! As I say, it took him a very long time to realise that he had to get out.

Mumpbump · 19/07/2007 11:49

Sorry - "should not feel you have a debt of gratitude"

FioFioJane · 19/07/2007 11:51

GoingtobeLonely, if he did this to you out in the street, do you not worry what would happen behind closed doors?

As for being the first person in your family to come froma broken home...Would your Mum prefer the first person to come from a broken home OR the first person to be a beaten wife?

You sound liek you are in a cycle of abuse. Abusing yourself with drugs and alcohol and now letting your partner abuse you too

Meeely2 · 19/07/2007 11:51

they do run anger management courses in evenings as well you know, more excuses, why should u have to go and him not. You haven't beaten him up three times.

I have been diagnosed with depression GTBL, but previous to that i used to shout, scream and throw things at DH. I have even been known to try and punch him as hard as i could (he's 20stone and I'm 8, so he just held my hands with one of his til I calmed down!), but he has NEVER hit me not once. I do not condone violence in any direction, man on woman, or woman on man - so I went to docs, got some help and i am now seeing a councellor. Seems to me yes you probably do need to see someone about your emotions as well, but he needs to make that leap too, else you'll be all fixed and he will feel even more threatened than ever, cos you will be all confident and grown up and he will have no hold over you anymore.

you are still putting the full weight of the situation on your shoulders and making excuses for him, if you do go to docs and get help, maybe that will help open your eyes a bit and see whats going on for what it is.

Original poster
GoingtobeLonely · 19/07/2007 11:57

TBH i think that the fact that im bigger than him makes him feel like hes not hurting somebody who is helpless, i can easily beat him in an arm wrestle but when he does things like the other day i am in so much shock i just dont react or fight back, i have told him last night that he has one more chance and if he hurts me again i will leave and he wont see his child until he gets help for his anger problems, i know this probably wasnt a nice thing to threaten him with but he has to realise that if he does it to me how can he show me that he wont hurt DC? if he does do it again i may let him have supervised visits, he doesnt get like that with anybody else though, he has only ever had one arguement with his mum, and gets on amazingly witht the rest of his family, whereas my family argue and fight all the time, they get heavy handed and my dad has hit me around the head when i was pregnant also, so i think that the promlem actually lies with me and not him

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 19/07/2007 12:02

well GTBL, we have done all we can, but if it is you, then you go ahead and get yourself sorted, and when he hits you again later on, what will you blame then?

Mumpbump · 19/07/2007 12:04

GTBL - as everyone else has said, the problem does not lie with you. He is responsible for his own actions. If you are winding him up that much, he can always walk away.

I am sorry that your family is also violent, but it is not normal loving adult behaviour and you should not excuse your partner simply because your family are violent. I am amazed that you have also been hit by your dad whilst pg. Has he got no self-control either?

LaBoheme · 19/07/2007 12:14

GTBL I don't think you will leave from what you say - you seem to be giving him the benefit of the doubt. If you decide to stay you will have to spend the rest of your life dedicated to protecting and sheilding your baby from a bully who will realistically only get more and more violent.
This will inevitably be impossible and the childs life over the years will be full of fear; he/she will learn from the two most important role models in their life - the blueprint for all future partners, friendships, relationships - what life is all about. Just hold that in your mind.
You decided to get PG to a man who punched you in the stomach? You truly believe that it is "pheremones" causing him to beat you like an animal whilst carrying your precious child?
Please get out, this is not just about you anymore, now you have a child to think of. Good luck.

Tortington · 19/07/2007 12:15

when the baby arrives life will be 100 times harder.

Original poster
GoingtobeLonely · 19/07/2007 12:16

Banana bump said "What if he had kicked you in the stomach, as he went to do? you could have been in hospital today having to deliver a dead baby" i said this to him last night and i really think it sank in, i hope it did, h eknows that he has to control him anger as much as i have to control my mouth, most of the time he is a decent and loving DP most nights we just sit together hugging talking about anything or just lie in bed chatting, im not totally inocent i have hit him too, it was a couple of years ago, we had had an arguement and he said what he wante to say, and then just went to sleep with me crying next to him, i got so angry that he was just going to sleep that i hit him, i think this was before he ever hit me but im not sure, i knew that i couldnt do it again because i felt like the 'abusive partner' and didnt want to become that so when i got angry after that i just put all my energy into shouting,(sometimes, when we do have an arguement, i will shout for ages or just really really loud) just before i got pregnant our relationship had got really good, and i know that i moan alot more now, i dont know why, so we have argued a fair bit whilst im pregnant, i just hope it stops afterwards

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingtobeLonely · 19/07/2007 12:20

my dad didnt hit me in the stomach, it was int the face, and that was my fault anyway, because i was arguing with my mum, he'd do anything to protect her, i just wish DP would do that too

and what happened the other day, he was actually trying to walk away but i wanted to sort things out so i wouldnt get out of his way, i could have just moved and let him go and cool off and it wouldnt have happened

OP posts:
LaBoheme · 19/07/2007 12:21

GTBL why do think the abuse will magically stop after you have a baby?

Original poster
GoingtobeLonely · 19/07/2007 12:25

because i wont be acting like such a bitch! i have been such a cow since getting pregnant! to everyone(including my workmates)
when i have given birth i wont have so many hormones running riot in my body!

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singingmum · 19/07/2007 12:30

Delusional.
You cried when you hit him once but is ok for him to do it while you're pg because you shouted.FFS why did you ask for advice and support if all you wanted was reasons to stay with him.
I know I am being harsh but I've seen where this can end both ways and one is good because the person beinfg beaten got out and the other is a horrid mess who have deluded themselves into thinking that it will all be ok.

Tortington · 19/07/2007 12:30

no you will be an emotional wreck - you will be so tired you can hardly stand it, you may feel depressed. your dp won't get his usual sleep and broken sleep = temper, arguments, annoyance at the least.

the end of your pregnancy is the beginning of your troubles. 18 years of a child that will demand from you far far much than you can understand.

lady, if you think its hard now - wait until your doing 4 feeds a night and changinf shitty nappies every 2 - 3 hours.

and that wont stop for 3 LONG YEARS - the nappies and the broken sleep ( not the feeds)

you are so totally deluded.

what did youe xpet everyone to say?

whilst you are on maternity leave and you dont have to go to work, leave him, go to a hostel - i've been there, its not so bad - i didn't fit in either but you can stay in your own room - you are not there to make friends.

singingmum · 19/07/2007 12:32

Well said Custardo

LoveMyGirls · 19/07/2007 12:46

Pregnancy hormones can stay in your body for about 2 yrs, so if you think that the hormones will disappear as soon as you give birth you are seriously wrong - so you will still be hormoanal, you will be everythign custy has said and on top of it you will blame yourself, feel guilty, stay with an abuser and it will be shit.

I can see from what you have said that you have no self esteem that you blame yourself for everything.

You need to get counselling asap.

I had 12mths of counsellingb efore i had the guts to leave my ex and i wasn't living with him and in the end i had to be babysat, i couldn't be trusted to stay on my own because i would end up going round there and being beaten again - i was so very very stupid. Sounds like you have already been ground down to this point, you need a lot of support to get out of there.

My life now is so so different and yours can be too!

You sound young like i was, i was 18 i'm now 25, i have learnt alot but still have much more to learn. I hope you find the strength to get out soon.

LaBoheme · 19/07/2007 12:47

GTBL you are crazy - this is the GOOD part, you are not going to sleep - you can't imagine now how psychotic that makes a SAINT. Add your DP's attitude to the mix and just think what life will be like for your poor baby. DP may even go to hit you whilst you are holding him or her and then what? Sorry but you don't seem to have considered your child in this at all.

Uki · 19/07/2007 12:56

Goingtobelonely
*you are making alot of excuses, Do YOU KNOW WHY HUN?
You are already competely brainwashed by this man, you no doubt have low self esteem and confidence, women stay because they cannot see the abuse is both Mental and Physical.
All pg women are emotional and normal partners are supportive and caring not dismissive, angry and abusive.

MY BEST FRIEND nearly was murdered by her partner a few months ago. She is the most attractive and intelligent women, who has 2 sons and an important and successful job, she hid all the abuse, she will be in counselling for the rest of her life, but she is alive.

IT WILL NOT GET BETTER, PLEASE PLEASE LISTEN it happens to 1 in 4 women and 8/10 women are murdered by abusive partners. You are not alone, but it is sad that there is so much abuse. Let us help you

RGPargy · 19/07/2007 13:04

OMG, you're now excusing your dad's violence and wishing your DP was like that?????

You need a damn good shaking to make you wake up and face reality rather than making excuses for everyone that's ever been abusive to you!

Do you think it's your fault you were sexually abused too? If so, you have serious self esteem issues which you really do need to get addressed urgently. But you'll probably only benefit from doing that AFTER you have left your DP.

LoveMyGirls · 19/07/2007 13:11

Men like this pray on vunerable people, usually girls younger than them. My abusive ex still does this now, when he's not in prison that is. People they can bully, at first its mental abuse that moves on to occasionally hitting until you are constantly walking on eggshells eventually it gets more and more often.

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