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Original poster

Fight with DP

179 replies

GoingtobeLonely · 18/07/2007 11:51

Have been posting on here for a while but have changed my name because i am ashamed, last night my DP and i had a huge arguement in the middle of our road, in which he spat in my face, threw me to the floor and chucked me in the bushes several times, broke my necklace, smacked me around the face, shouted a lot and went to kick me, he rufuses accept that he has done anything wrong and just excused himseld by saying that i have made the last month of his life hell, i have been quite hormonal as i am 5 months pregnant, he kept asking if i am going to give him the last month of his life back, he then went on to say that it wasnt his baby and told me to have an abortion and that he wasnt going to do 'more than he has to' this upsets me because its our child that will be loosing out more than me, we will live together seperately and im also worried that he will bring people back to the house with him

i dont know what i am expecting by posting this on here, just hoping for a bit of advice and support i suppose! i feel so

OP posts:
ProfessorClutterburn · 18/07/2007 12:57

you poor girl, 'it's not that he does it often' !!!!!! - he does it , its wrong and you and your baby do not have to put up with it ever, starting from now. good advice on this thread, don't try and justify what he does protect yourself, if not for you for your baby.

suezee · 18/07/2007 12:57

oh my god why the hell r u justifying these horrible things he's done to u???????? he is a disgrace of a man to lay a finger on you especially when ur pregnant.You need to get out of this relationship because no mater how much you think he'll change he wont. do you really want your child to grow up witnessing this horrible abuse?????????? you need to leave him asap

suezee · 18/07/2007 12:59

if i where you i would contact a womens refuge and get the hell out of there, they will put you up until you can get a place of your own.please do not suffer anymore at the hands of this monster

Dawn2820 · 18/07/2007 13:01

this is disguisting behaviour from him and you do not deserve that no matter what.

you are worth more than being thrown around like a doll and spat on as if you were nothing.

YOU NEED TO GET OUT

Hard i know when you love someone - but would you still love him if he made you lose the baby?????????

pol26 · 18/07/2007 13:02

I know its hard and I can say honestly that times will be tough but YOU and YOUR baby need safety and stability and not abuse - whether it just be verbal or more...

You will need to be v.strong when you have your bubba and you will need SUPPORT not being put down/shouted at/hit/pulled about.

I would make a break from him and tell him until he can stop behaving like that it's over. I'm not saying that it will be easy but you can't keep putting yourself through it. No matter where it is 'once in a while'... once is TOO often.

Tortington · 18/07/2007 13:04

have some pride.

singingmum · 18/07/2007 13:08

Ask yourself how you will feel when yur baby is removed from you by SS after the beatings your dp has given it.How will your parents etc feel when they have to bury you because he hit you that bit harder this time.Ask yourself do you want to stand there and watch your child(if they make it that far)crying because daddy beat mummy and then beat them.
Yes I am being harsh but if you stay with him even as just living in same house you are then tresponsible for everything that happens to your baby.You are to blame if you allow this man to harm your baby when you knew he was like this and could have gotten away to saftey.
My friend was in a relationship like this and she thought like you do that she was in l;ove with him.It is only know after finally marrying a good man that she knows the truth.What you are trully feeling is a desperate need for things to be right,to be in the perfect relationship you always thought you'd have.You aren't in love with him but the perfect idea of what you want which is different.You don't fear when you are trully in love.You don't walk on eggshells when you are trully in love,because when you are fully and trully in a loving relationship you feel safe and happy.
SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD FROM THIS MONSTER PLEASE.

purplepoppet · 18/07/2007 13:09

He will only get worse!! You must get out now!!!!

Mumpbump · 18/07/2007 13:15

I think the spitting makes it worse. I think spitting on someone is about the most disrespectful thing you can do, although physical violence is obviously more damaging... I hope you will take the advice from this thread... My brother was in an abusive relationship for years and kept going back "because he loved his wife". Nothing changed and eventually he found the strength to leave her. I only wish he hadn't wasted his time trying to make a relationship work. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can start to rebuild your life and in some ways, it is probably easier to leave whilst you're pg than with a baby in tow.

claraq · 18/07/2007 13:16

I can only echo what everyone else has said but I hope the more people who say it the more you will realise that you really do need to get away from this man.

Assuming you are a first time mum, you can't know yet the love you will feel for your baby once it is born. Love, and desperate need to protect it. That is a primevel response that you can't understand until it happens. You say you love this man, well believe me you will love the baby more. You will do everything to keep it safe. It's life will mean more to you than anything else in the world, and especially the life of this appalling man.

Get out now so you have plenty of time to find somewhere safe before the baby comes. You really don't want to be worrying about its safety (as well as your own, of course)when you are going to have to be coping with sleepless nights, endless feeding, possibly PND etc etc etc.

I really hope you have some good friends or family who can help you.

tess01 · 18/07/2007 13:23

goingtobelonely - please leave for yourself and your baby, it will only get worse. He is showing all the classic signs of an abusive person who is never going to change. He will continue to run you down to the point you think your not worth anymore than him and everyone is worht more.

I also want to say from your childs point of view, once born the child will either being taught be abused or to abuse, your child will either learn to mimic you and be abused, or mimic dad and abuse even you later in life it has happened.

I personally have come from a household were my father was abusive to my mother, it wasnt easy growing up having to hear and watch this happening, by the time i was in my teens i too was being abused because i used to stand between my mother and father to try to protect my mother. Thankfully they divorced when i was 16, my mum finally plucked up the courage to leave.

I then went on into a abusive marriage, as my mother said i had met someone like my father, i too im lucky now to out of this marriage and now settled with someone who is not abusive at all.

Please get out, learn to be yourself again and you to will probably meet the person you deserve to be with

mytwopenceworth · 18/07/2007 13:29

I must be very blunt. Men like this kill, do you understand that? Do you understand that men like this end up beating you to death?

Either you get out now or you need to make a will stating who is to have custody of your baby after you are dead.

Please please please leave.

FoghornLeghorn · 18/07/2007 13:30

Blunt MTPW but I think OP needs bluntness

Original poster
GoingtobeLonely · 18/07/2007 13:31

my parents dont want me at home, my DP and i cant afford to live seperately, just cant, at all. i just have to get on with it and just hope he'll go to anger management!

i have been a real cow to him over the last month, nagging him and bitching and moaning, i wish there was some amazing thing that would just stop me moaning at him

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/07/2007 13:31

Please please PLEASE call the police.

Dont make it your responsibility to attempt to curb (like that will ever work...) his behaviour.

He needs a short sharp shock and a dose of reality.

You CANNOT treat a person like that, whatever his reasoning and attempts at justification. He needs to realise that. My God if he's doing this now, what do you think will happen when the baby is born, and is crying all night and disturbing him? How is that going to help his anger issues? Even the most stable and happy couples reach boiling point over sleepless nights.

If you want your child to have any sort of father figure or male role model, you need to find a man first. This guy certainly isnt one.

Call the Police. Press charges. Kick him out. Treat him the way he has treated you.

Original poster
GoingtobeLonely · 18/07/2007 13:32

have to go because gtg to midwife appt, will check again in the morning x

OP posts:
Original poster
GoingtobeLonely · 18/07/2007 13:33

cant kick him out, the house is in his name

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/07/2007 13:34

Contact Womens Aid, a local refuge or even the CAB - somewhere. The police would also be able to put you in touch.

There are groups and charities that can help you, if you cant fall back on your friends or family for help.

The situation you are in now is far more damaging than living on your own in a bedsit and having no money.

Your life, and that of your baby is in very real danger.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/07/2007 13:34

YES YOU CAN!

Lumos · 18/07/2007 13:35

GBTL - What do you WANT to do? Putting aside the obvious that you want him to change, which is clear he won't. What do you want? Do you have a support network family/friends?

We can all tell you to leave and you know we are talking sense but in my situation it took me a long time to leave, no matter what my friends and family told me to do.

tess01 · 18/07/2007 13:36

you can get out there will be a local refuge somewhere by you and your dp wont be told the location

suezee · 18/07/2007 13:36

wtf??????????? just LEAVE go to the police and report him, you need to go to a womens refuge and get away from him.what if he batters you again while your pregnant........he could kill ur baby, how will u feel when he does that,u need to look at the bigger picture and realise that ur living with a monster GET THE HELL OUT!

Holly29 · 18/07/2007 13:37

Going to be Lonely, I think I can sum up what I think as follows:

(1) This is domestic violence, pure and simple. The fact that you are 5 months pg makes it even worse. Don'd delude yourself that this was something that he doesn't really do - he really is violent and you really are a victim of domestic violence.

(2) I know you probably still love him. And you think he'll change, or he won't do it anymore. He will not change. He will do it again. Next time, he'll probably hit your baby.

(3) Any man who does what he has done to a pregnant woman is unforgiveable. He doesn't really love you or the baby.

(4) You need to leave him. Absolutely. This means going to a refuge, or to stay with your family or friends. Think of the strongest person you know. Go and stay with them.

The bottom line is that all this is going to be very tough. You are, as your name suggests, going to be lonely for a bit. But ask yourself these questions:

(1) Does your baby deserve to grow up in a house anywhere near this man?

(2) Do you deserve to be in a relationship where someone does this to you?

The answer has to be no. PLEASE get help. Your story has almost made me cry. Let me give you my DH as an example of what a good relationship (not perfect is).

  • He sometimes gets grumpy. He sometimes blames me. However, he always apologises and we end up having a laugh about it.

  • I have pg hormones too. I get grumpy, I cry, I give him a hard time about things. He generally laughs or makes me laugh and never ever gets annoyed, and as he says 'it's all part of the process'.

  • He has treated me like a princess since I got pregnant. He is forever wrapping me in cotton wool and making sure I am OK. I have become like a precious thing to him.

  • He would rather die than hit me, or abuse me, or spit on me, ever.

YOU deserve that sort of relationship. Your baby deserves to be treated well. PLEASE listen to all the advice here.

krang · 18/07/2007 13:51

GTBL, please contact Women's Aid.

I spoke to one of their representatives last week for work. They are a bunch of brilliant women who will do everything in their power to help you and give you support along the way.

I also spoke to a woman who had put up with being battered for four years. It started with punching, then he threw a pan of hot fat at her, tried to strangle her when she was pregnant, battered her with her baby's moses basket stand, then put her in hospital after he smashed her so hard on the head she started having fits.

She said she didn't leave him immediately because he also convinced her that she was worthless, ugly, pathetic, that her children didn't love her. She didn't think she was worth saving. But eventually she got out, and 15 years later she is living a good life and loving her kids, the way it's supposed to be.

You could too. The free Women's Aid 24-hour helpline is on 0808 2000 247, email [email protected], or visit the website on www.womensaid.org.uk. No magic wands, just hard choices, but I don't think anything could be harder than the prospect of living with a violent abuser and a newborn baby.

krang · 18/07/2007 13:52

Another thing Women's Aid told me is that two women every week in the UK die as a result of being abused by their partner. Please don't become another statistic.