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Original poster

Fight with DP

179 replies

GoingtobeLonely · 18/07/2007 11:51

Have been posting on here for a while but have changed my name because i am ashamed, last night my DP and i had a huge arguement in the middle of our road, in which he spat in my face, threw me to the floor and chucked me in the bushes several times, broke my necklace, smacked me around the face, shouted a lot and went to kick me, he rufuses accept that he has done anything wrong and just excused himseld by saying that i have made the last month of his life hell, i have been quite hormonal as i am 5 months pregnant, he kept asking if i am going to give him the last month of his life back, he then went on to say that it wasnt his baby and told me to have an abortion and that he wasnt going to do 'more than he has to' this upsets me because its our child that will be loosing out more than me, we will live together seperately and im also worried that he will bring people back to the house with him

i dont know what i am expecting by posting this on here, just hoping for a bit of advice and support i suppose! i feel so

OP posts:

Feedmenow · 19/07/2007 10:13

GTBL, would your dp consider moving out for a little while? As I've said before, it is most definately not right what he has done, but I also see where you are coming from when you feel that you wind him up. I am wondering if maybe a break would help you both to reassess what is going on.
I don't have personal experience of physical violence, but I do of emotional and pshchological abuse and it CAN be resolved. It took me and my dp a long, long time and a few years of not living togetehr to be able to resolve our issues. We have both had to do a lot of thinking and changing and accepting over the years to be better able to understand why the other reacts the way they do, and we still have hiccups along the way, but we are basically happy together. The physical side of things is not acceptable, but maybe you could come to some sort of agreement whereby if your dp feels that you are really winding him up then he could just walk away, go for a drive or a walk or to a mates house. Then when he comes back a couple of hours later you could try and talk about it rationally.
Another thing is, if the belongings and housing and the opinion of your family was no issue to you, what would you do then? I mean, if you truly look at what YOU want and feel then what would it be? Because perhaps if you take away all the other factors it will show you what you truly need to do, and only then will you be able to chose the right path to go down to achieve what you want.

Original poster

GoingtobeLonely · 19/07/2007 10:18

i feel so worn down, i know i probably should leave him but i dont really have anybody else, if i went to my nearest refuge i probably wouldnt be able to get to work because i cant drive, my only friend couldnt have me, i feel lonely but when im with him i dont feel lonely, i love him and just dont have the strengh to live in a hostel, i have lived in one before and got harrassed until i left because i didnt fit in (basically because i have the wrong 'accent') since i have moved to the area i live in now (i was 14) i have been beaten up so many times by differant people had my hair ripped out, my clothes ripped off, sexually assulted, my things broken and stolen, i had people waiting outside my house for 3 days so they could kick my head in, my parents kicked me out at 15, i lived on the streets, i then went on to do the only thing i could do to support myself, i sold my body, its something that not many people know i done! and it took me so long to tell DP that i had done it and he doesnt mind

i think ive actually got it quite good now - i only get hurt once in a while, i have a roof over my head, im having a baby and i can tell my DP about my past and he never brings it up, he is the only person i have been with that hasnt cheated on me, and best of all i dont have to sleep with sweaty smelly old or perverted men to support myself

it may sound like i have it hard now but now you know a bit about my past maybe you'll see i have got it good, i just have to learn to accept it!

OP posts:

Meeely2 · 19/07/2007 10:20

GTBL - is your DP ever tender towards you? Does he look at you with love and devotion? Do you feel safe in his company? do you feel you can say anything and do anything you want without any come back?

If you answer no to one or more of the above he is not right for you. He should make you feel secure, loved and beautiful, if he doesn't that is through no fault of yours, it's just because you are not suited. You can't make someone love you, you can't make yourself love someone else. A loving relationship happens when both parties can be themselves around the other and YES that includes being argumentative if thats the way you are - you shouldn't have to change that to suit someone else......

bundle · 19/07/2007 10:20

I'm sorry but losing your furniture, or your family's reputation (by being a single parent, shock-horror) is nothing in comparison with the risk of you or your child being badly harmed or killed by an insecure bully.

hoolagirl · 19/07/2007 10:24

GTBL - You can have it even better!
Your child can have it even better!
Please contact the womans refuge, you could have a completely different life or you and your child can 'exist' in the hellhole you are in.
Please do something, even if its just to phone the refuge or womens aid and talk to someone.

Your past is the past, leave it behind and have a fresh start.

Meeely2 · 19/07/2007 10:24

WRONG WRONG WRONG! You DO NOT have to learn to accept it, no one deserves what you go through just because of your past.

OK it's all coming out now, you don't feel worthy of a good man so you are settling for an arsehole instead because you think thats all you should have. You are SOOOOOO wrong. It pains me to hear people talk this way.

It's up to you, what you do now, and i know what it will be....BUT if by some chance you get a immense dose of strength, and do choose to leave, then good luck with everything!

suezee · 19/07/2007 10:27

im sorry but what planet r u living on???????????, im sorry you've had a tough life, but ur baby does not deserve to be brought up in an enviroment that ur living in, if ur not willing to go into a womend refuge then y dont u at least put ur name down on the council housing list, or see if u can get financial help with getting a private rented house. i think ur very stupid if u think that u have to put up with this inyour life, u need to get a grip of urself

krang · 19/07/2007 10:30

It may also be worth talking initially to your GP or your midwife. The British Medical Association recently published a report on the hidden epidemic of domestic abuse. They are urging all GPs and midwives to be alert for the signs of domestic abuse. Your GP or midwife will listen to you and don't forget that anything you tell them is completely confidential and will never get back to anyone, not your family, not your partner, not your work - not anyone.

Madasaboxoffrogs is right. Real men do not hit their pregnant partners.

Please start talking to the professionals. They will help you. It's always easier to make a decision when you know all your options.

cazzybabs · 19/07/2007 10:30

Oh god I feel for you. But what about your baby. Your p may not hit your baby, but your baby may see him hurting you and will be feelign all the stress even whilst it is growing in you.

It is not going to stop and it is not going to get better. You clearly want help else you would not post on MN.

Why not move away - find a refuge in another part of the country. Start again...make a home for your baby where it can grow up in love not fear.

RGPargy · 19/07/2007 10:38

It seems like this poor woman is just coming up with excuse after excuse as to why she cannot leave. She has been so down-trodden by him that she thinks he is great and that being in an abusive relationship is all she is worth.

I feel like we are all banging our heads on a brick wall here because of the fact that she has been so mentally groomed by her DP, especially as he wont "let" her friend come to the house. What sort of control freak is he?!

I will tell you from first hand experience that your DC will not hate you at all for taking them away from an abusive partner. They will love you unconditionally, especially as you protected them and led them to safety.

Tortington · 19/07/2007 10:39

are you in a council house?

bundle · 19/07/2007 10:49

susan bewley's work

krang · 19/07/2007 10:49

You have had a shit life thus far and I feel for you. But this doesn't mean the rest of your life has to be shit.

A women's refuge is not like your average hostel. Nobody will beat you up or laugh at you there. You will be safe and so will your baby.

Perhaps this baby could mean a truly fresh start for you, away from all the shit of your early life.

skidoodle · 19/07/2007 10:53

All abused women feel lonely and that they have nobody to turn to. That's how it works - why do you think he doesn't want your friends around at the house? Because the more resources you have apart from him the less likely you are to consent to living under these conditions.

go to your friend that doesn't like him. she probably already knows what's going on and would be happy to help you out.

singingmum · 19/07/2007 11:04

My friend I mentioned earlier also sold herself(or rather her ex made her or else)
You deserve a real life not a hell on earth.
You don't have to accept it
You don't have it good compared to your old life because wether you realise it or not you are still living your old life.
You are still being abused by a man
You are still being used by a man
Your life hasn't gotten better you are just living a condensed paralel of your other life

RGPargy · 19/07/2007 11:04

I wouldn't necessarily rule out your family either. If you've only confided in your sister, who you said only came back with "i'm sure you'll work it out" then how do you know how your parents would feel if you were to actually tell them and confide in them that you are in an abusive relationship? I'm sure they wouldn't say "oh well, tough luck". Perhaps give them a try? As for your sister, i dont know how old she is or anything but perhaps she hasn't been in the situation you are in and doesn't know how to deal with it herself?

Speak to your friend and to your parents. You will be surprised how people react when they actually know what's going on.

Original poster

GoingtobeLonely · 19/07/2007 11:08

we live in a privatly rented house, we couldnt get a council house because we both work, i put up with his comments and the few times he has hurt me because i know that when i was 'working' there was so many single mothers in massage parlours who are doing all they can just to supposrt there children, i know that it is probab;y selfish but i cant do that again, i would rather die, i have seen my firend (before she got with her lovely DP how her DD now calls Daddy) struggle as a single mum, adn she had the support of her family, i know what its like for her at the moment seeing me go through this with my DP because she went through the same with her XP when she was pregnant, i know that from the outside people will just think/say 'why dont you just leave' well the answer is im so scared, he is the only person (apart from DF) that is ever nice to me, i dont want to be homeless, he has only done it 3 times in the 3 years we have been together, we did split up last year for a couple of weeks but we just couldnt stay away from each other, we do love each other, we just find it hard to get along some times

OP posts:

suezee · 19/07/2007 11:09

you dont have to be unemployed to live in a council house , where did u hear that load of crap???????????

Original poster

GoingtobeLonely · 19/07/2007 11:11

we would be a low priority

OP posts:

suezee · 19/07/2007 11:12

i am not even posting on this thread again, because as much as i feel sorry for u, u have already made ur mind up about wherther ur ging to leave him or not.i hope that ur baby will be fine through the volatile relationship.......just hope he doesnt start to take things out on the baby when he/she arrives

krang · 19/07/2007 11:15

He will do it again. I think you know that.

But I know there's nothing we can say on here that will make you change your mind.

We've given you all the advice we can, and we'll carry on giving you support for as long as you need it. But that won't make the problem go away.

Lots of single mothers manage without having to sell their bodies or letting themselves be abused by men. There are plenty on here, listen to them.

Maybe in a few years you'll remember the advice given on this thread and you'll get up the courage to leave. I wish you and your baby well.

Meeely2 · 19/07/2007 11:17

theres 'not getting along' and theres 'being bullied into thinking you deserve the 3 kickings you have had'

Me and Dh don't 'get along' sometimes, he shouts, i shout, he storms out, I fume for a bit, he comes home and we make up. He doesn't kick the shit out of me and then tell me it was my fault because I was argumentative....what bit of that is NORMAL to you.

He knows you have a dodgy past, he knows you're insecure and NEED someone, he also knows that being pregnant you need him even more, so he has even more power, these beatings WILL get more frequent....when baby arrives, you will be tired and cranky, you will be argumentative, so will it be ok for him to beat you again? You cannot go on being the person he tells you he wants you to be.....if you weren't argumentative there would be another reason for you to annoy him, he will find something wrong in everything. Baby will wake in the night, i can just hear him now, 'can't you shut him/her up?' If his fuse is that short with an adult i.e. you, the woman he loves, it will be even shorter with a screaming baby, and it WILL be your fault that he or she is crying believe me.....

you can dress this up however you want, but he's got you right where he wants you....and if you want to know a secret, he is as insecure if not more so than you, thats why he treats you like this, to make himself feel better.

Original poster

GoingtobeLonely · 19/07/2007 11:29

i dont want to just give up on us, i might try getting a 'hobby'

before i met DP he had real confidence issues and insecurities, he thought he was fat even though he was a 30 waist, he has put on a stone recently and i cant help but think that this may contribute to why he's been a bit funny with me recently, he does tell me that he loves me everyday and i feel safe wrapped up in his arms, he just has some issues to sort out, he saved me from a living hell, and i want to help him, when i met him i was getting through about 5 bottle of (very cheap) wine a day or cider or beer or smoked weed and took pills and speed and cocaine and acid, i dont do any of this now, at all!!! if i hadnt met him i would be an addict probably selling myself just to support a habit

OP posts:

bundle · 19/07/2007 11:30

a hobby, ffs

just because he helped you at a hard time in your life it does not entitle him to treat you like poo now

RGPargy · 19/07/2007 11:34

here here, bundle.

GTBL - Time for you to move on now methinks and close the door on this chapter in your life.

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