Fight with DP

[GoingtobeLonely]

Have been posting on here for a while but have changed my name because i am ashamed, last night my DP and i had a huge arguement in the middle of our road, in which he spat in my face, threw me to the floor and chucked me in the bushes several times, broke my necklace, smacked me around the face, shouted a lot and went to kick me, he rufuses accept that he has done anything wrong and just excused himseld by saying that i have made the last month of his life hell, i have been quite hormonal as i am 5 months pregnant, he kept asking if i am going to give him the last month of his life back, he then went on to say that it wasnt his baby and told me to have an abortion and that he wasnt going to do 'more than he has to' this upsets me because its our child that will be loosing out more than me, we will live together seperately and im also worried that he will bring people back to the house with him

i dont know what i am expecting by posting this on here, just hoping for a bit of advice and support i suppose! i feel so

Goingtobelonely,

I can only echo what the others are telling you. I hope my story can help you make your mind up.

A few years ago I was in your shoes. My then partner had always been very controlling and emotionally abusive, occasionally physically so, but it's when I got pregnant that the physcical abuse became almost a daily occurrence. I had a miserable pregnancy because of this, I left him several times but always came back. I have no family in this country and I never told any of my friends the extent of what was happening. I am not sure why.

Like you, I thought I loved him. Like you, I thought I couldn't live on my own, I couldn't bear the thought of being a single mother. When he was violent, he would say that I made him do it and I felt that it was all my fault, that if only I could be nicer and change, then things would get better.

So it went on. He broke some of my most precious possession, given to me by my mother who had died a few years previously. Once he hit me while I was breastfeeding during the night, because I pulled the duvet off him . Still, I stayed with him.

The last straw was when he hit me in front of our dd, who was 7 months old at the time. I changed the locks while he was at work. When he came home he tried to break the door down, luckily it was bolted. I had to call the police, it was so scary. At that time, incredibly, I still thought I loved him and didn't press charges.

I can't tell you how liberating it was, to be able to live normally, not to have to walk on eggshells all the time, not to worry about what mood he would be when he came home, not to worry that the next thing I said would offend him and start the violence again. Suddenly it was as if the scales fell off my eyes and I saw him for what he was, a brutal controlling monster with no respect or love for me.

Please leave this monster, listen to what everyone is telling you. Many of us on Mumsnet, sadly, have been through similar things, and all will tell you the same thing: it will not get better, it will only get worse, until he kills you. I don't know the statistics but many women die at the hands of their violent partners. Your child will be affected by the abuse, even if your partner is not abusive to them directly.

It is hard being a single parent, living on benefits, wiht little or no support. But it is infinitely better than living in fear.

Please leave while you can, before it is to late. If decide to leave (and I hope you do) please be very careful as when your abuser realise you are going to escape his control, he will step up his abuse.

Good luck.

OMG you should not be putting up with this! He is a total bastard, and while you might love him, he certainly doesn't love you or your baby. Would you treat someone you love like that? No, I thought not. You do not need to change how you behave, and he won't change. What needs to happen is for you to LEAVE! I know how it feels to think you're stuck in a rotten relationship because there's nowhere else to go, but you do have options. Like previous posters have said, go to a women's refuge if you don't have family or friends to stay with. And then get in touch with your local council who will sort you out. There's no way they would leave a pregnant woman homeless or jobless.

Not one person on this whole thread has suggested you stick around and sort things out. Does that not say something? Please please please, give yourself some of the respect that you deserve, look after your baby and GET OUT NOW! Quick, before he gets home!

GBTL

Re your comments:-
"My parents dont want me at home, my DP and i cant afford to live seperately, just cant, at all. i just have to get on with it and just hope he'll go to anger management!

i have been a real cow to him over the last month, nagging him and bitching and moaning, i wish there was some amazing thing that would just stop me moaning at him"

Do your parents know that you're a victim of domestic violence?.

With regards to your second paragraph there is no justification for violence within a relationship. Its not your fault this has happened. He has issues which you alone cannot fix.

You think anger manegement will change him, no it will not. Violent behaviour like this is often deeply rooted, it would not surprise me in the least if you were to tell me that he saw domestic violence in his own childhood.

You do not just have to "get on with it", there are way outs and that way out is one that you will have to take for your own self and your child. Womens Aid can and will help you. You need to believe in your own self. You need to plan your escape carefully.

Love is not enough, do you want your child to witness violence as well?. Men like him ought to be strung up.

Two women a week are killed at the hands of their partner; do you really want me to be reading about your death in the newspaper?. He will at the very least destroy you completely if you stay, at worst you will be dead. I am deadly serious here.

He also told you that he mentioned anger management to shut you up. Surely that tells you something?.

To be honest, I don't think you'll leave for yourself, I think it's going to take him doing something cruel or horrible to your child before you realise what he is.

I don't want to make this thread about me but just to put things from a childs perspective, I grew up with an abusive father, he used to beat up my Mum and my older sister and brothers. I used to wish they would get a divorce every day, but Mum stayed with him "for the children" because she didn't realise we'd be better off without him, and because she was scared of him, and of a future alone bringing up four children with no money.

She had a massive dent in the front of her skull from where he punched her while she was pregnant. One of my earliest memories is overhearing him threaten to slit her throat because she served guests at the dinner table before him, and had given him a chipped plate. He strangled my brother at 15 andd he had stroke the next day. I saw him beat the shit out of him once for stirring a pot of paint and breaking the skin on it that had formed.

This was his reaction everyday annoyances. I used to wet myself with fear when he shouted me down the stairs, and he never really hit me. He didn't have to, I was already terrified. This is what you will be letting your child in for.

There isn't going to be a better time than this to leave him.

The later into pregnancy you get the more tired and achy you will get, the more of an exposed bump you will have to his unpredictable fists, the more you will need support and help which you WILL NOT GET from this "man" who suggests you should have an abortion at 5 months pregnant. If he would have you kill your baby now, does that suggest that he'll love and nurture it when it arrives?

When it does arrive, as people have said, it's going to be loud and demanding, it's going to take up all your time and energy, and it's going to need a whole load of stuff, you won't be able to run out of the door with a rucksack of clothes whenever you want, it's going to be a lot more difficult to leave.

You say your parents will not have you: I have to echo whoever said "do they have any idea that your dp is violent?" there aren't many parents out there who would turn away their child who was being beaten by someone- and if they would, you need to go to someone else, an aunt, a sibling, a friend.... even a neighbours house is better than staying with him, just be honest with them. It doesn't have to be permanent, just get somewhere to go for a few days while you get your head straight, then you can make more permanent plans when you aren't so rushed.

But you have to do it, it'll be so sad if you don't, you deserve so much more, and your baby certainly does.

get out now, run, don't look back, you can and will survive without him. If your parents know what you are going through they will welcome you in.

There is support and benefits for single mums and refuges like another poster said.

nothing justifys violence in any form - if you are being abused you have every reason to whine and moan at him. The fact you are blaming yourself tells me he already has a mental hold over you and you no longer have any self respect. Ask yourself what you would say to any of your friends if they told you what you have just told us? Thats assuming you are allowed friends......

Seriously leave, he will not get better, he will not change, he has issues and they will not be fixed by a councellor.....

Just to add my tuppence worth to the chorus saying please, do think very hard about leaving. I know he loves you, and you love him, but in the end he loves himself more and that just isn't going to change. He will always protect himself and not you or your baby. You won't know how much better life without fear feels until you try it; I promise you that someone else's sofa will be much more comfortable than living with the way he makes you feel. You say that you have made his life hell; there used to be a campaign against domestic violence and the slogan was: there is never an excuse. It's the truth.
Do please at least meet up with a friend and tell them what you've said here. It's really really really hard to own up to the fact that your relationship is like this, that you're with someone who can do this to you; it's really really really hard to take the first step - but it's only once you've done that that you'll have the distance you need to see how very harmful this man is. Do take care and keep posting.

Please, please call woman's Aid. The number is 0808 2000 247. If you have a BT landline it won't show up on your phone bills, and they will only ever call you back if you want them to, at a pre arranged time.
They can provide support for you, whatever you want to do. They will provide you with someone to talk to at least, and you might be able to meet up with somebody who understands, and go for a coffee.
Then, if and when you are ready to get out, they can provide a refuge place for you to stay in, until you get a new, safe home provided by the council.

It is absolutely heartbreaking, but it doesn't get better, no matter what they say. PG is also a very common time for abuse to start. MY exh started while I was pg with my first. I stayed until pg with my second. I think eventually a moment comes when you feel ready to go, and for me, it was when he threw me so hard against a wall it took the paper off. I was pg with ds1, and worried for his safety. my dd was 2 and even now, she still remembers hearing noises in the evening and being afraid.

When it gets to the point where they will do things in public, it really is dangerous, and you have an unborn baby to think about too. Nobody deserves this. You have to remember that you can't feel ashamed for trying to work things out - he is the one who won't change, and once you get out and through it all, you will feel proud that you have done it.

I didn't have the support neither, which is why I ended up in refuge - nowhere else to go. BUt you aren't lonely, you are with other woman who have been there, and there are staff to support you. It was a very difficult time, but once I had set up my new life I was happy, and you don't need an abusive man. It is also worth contacting old friends, friends I hadnt seen for a few years, bent over backwards to help and support me - nobody wants to see another woman in this position.

Good luck xx

GTBL, I just wanted to say that I'm sure that everyone who has posted on this thread would be more than willing to listen to you try and verbalise your feelings to try and sort out what you can/can't do, etc. I say this purely because although I think everyone is right (he won't chnge, he is a wanker and you need to get out) I also realise that it never is just that simple when you are in it. It is v. hard to walk out on any relationship, particularly if you don't think you have anywhere to go. I also get the impression that maybe you are a bit embarrassed about it all and think that it isn't really all that bad. But it is, and it is serious, and there are places to get help. I don't think you said your exact circumstances - does he have a mortgage/do you rent together? Do you have any money tied up in the house? Do you work? Do you and he have any other committments together?
Please feel free to "talk" it out here cos I am sure we can all help you sort this out so that you and your baby can be safe and happy.
xx

GTBL - I have been thinking about you since I read your message earlier in the day and it has made me realise how complicated domestic abuse is. I can't understand why you don't leave - but then I am not in your position. I don't know much about doemstic violence but what I do know is how hard it is for the abused partner to leave the abuser - they often or always seem to have some sort of hold over them. And I guess reading all these messages on MN probably isn't going to be enough to make you leave him if you haven't already.
But I just hope it makes you think about it and at the very least get away for a while to sort things through in your head. Or call Women's Aid who should be able to help you with the first steps.
And tell your parents - they might very well want you there if they know what you are going through?
Good luck.

GTL,

I keep thinking about you too. I hope you are OK.

Here are some links you might want to have a look at:
Rights of Women for free legal advice
the NSPCC on the effects of domestic violence on children
BBC website: lots of information here
refuge
and of course women's aid I know this one has already been mentioned but it can't hurt to repeat it...

someone mentioned finances and they might be a worry. I was working when I left my exh. I had to give up my job, but I then claimed full benefits. As a single mother I was entitled to income support, housing and council tax benefit. I was also entitled to legal aid, so that would help with any legal issues regarding a house, etc. HTHs.

Very much agree with feedmenow, we are here to listen.

Just thought, there are also other things you can claim, such as a grant to start you off again, and an interest free loan from the DSS.

GTBL - are you still OK? You've been quiet for a while. I hope it's because you're considering your options...

I asked him last night if he thought it was ok to throw me around and he old me that he didnt, so its not like he just doesnt know any better, i dont know if that makes it better or worse, we rent a house together and because nearly all the stuff in the house i had before moving in with him, i just wouldnt have anywhere to store it and would end up loosing it all to him, i do confide in my sister (who lives with my parents) but she ony ever tells me that 'you'll sort it out', he comes from a really nice family who never argue and part of me thinks that it must be me that has made him like this because my family are the ones that argue all the time but they dont do it with my sister, and they have hit me but not my sister, i do have an 'attitude problem, i do have an arguementative side and i do keep going when were having an arguement, i am currently seeking anger management to stop me having a go at him and he told me last night he told me the only reason he cant go to anger management is ecause he doesnt ever get home before 7 and leaves home at 8.
he doesnt just 'flip out' for no reason, we are usually in an arguement. i really dont want my child to not have a dad, he comes from a good family and he has a good dad and i hope he will follow in his footsteps, i dont want to be responsible for my child not having a dad and dont want him to blame me later on in life for taking away his/her dad, i know that there are some of you that wished that your mum had left your dad, would you still think that if your mum had left him and you had grown up without him being around at all? i just dont want my baby to hate me,i know that if we didnt get into these arguements in the first place, then they would end the way they do
i feel if i was to move back in with my parents it would be like moving out of the frying pan and into the fire, and i only really have one friend i could confide in, and she hates him already, her house is already overcrowded, DP doesnt like any of my friends and doesnt let them over in the house - i know what he did was unacceptable but he really isnt usually like that, only when i wind him up, and if i stop winding him up then he wont be like that, i think the reason i wind him up(i dont do it intentioally) is because i dont have any hobbies like he does, he paints and plays computor games.

i would be the first person in my whole family ever to produce a broken home, already feel like a failure and dont want to jst give up on my family before its even started, my friend told me that statisally men hit woman more when they are pregnant because of the 'pheremones' (sorry if spelt wrong) that we produce when pregnant, so im hoping that if i dont wind him up he wont hurt me again whilst pregnant and then when im not pregnant i wont be producing these 'pheremones'

sorry if it doesnt make a lot of sense, i have been typing bits in between doing my work

Hi GTBL, glad you're still around.

Well, first, your friend is talking rubbish. There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever that men hit pregnant women because of pheremones the women produce. That is the worst kind of self-justifying nonsense. Really it is. It is TOTALLY not true.

Nobody knows why a lot of abuse starts in pregnancy but what we do know is this: it is NOT the fault of the woman.

We also know that abuse gives you a higher risk of delivering a low-weight baby, having a premature baby, experiencing bleeding and infections. Your baby is also more likely to suffer distress in the womb. Higher stress levels won't help you either.

Secondly, the fact that your partner comes from a 'good' family means nothing. Domestic abuse happens across the social spectrum. It can happen to anyone.

Thirdly, and it's worth repeating, normal men do not smack their pregnant partners when the partners 'wind them up'. THEY DO NOT. It is NOT you winding him up that causes him to hit you. It is HIM. It is HIS FAULT.

Please keep talking and please believe me about the pheremones!

GTBL - you appear to have been beaten down so much by this man, not only physically but mentally, that you are at fault in everything. You think your parents prefer your sister to you, you think your baby will hate you if you leave it's dad, this is all symptoms of his abuse so that you feel you cannot function without him, so that you feel you need him.

Nothing we say will make you leave, only you can decide that and it looks like you have decided. If you put public opinion and what 'people will think' before your own and your babies personal safety, then he has damaged you more than we realised.

Good luck with everything, please do keep in touch, do not bottle things up and stay safe.

what utter tosh. "if i dont argue he won't hit me" bollox.

in 2 years time it will be " well if i keep the tins straight in the cupboard he won't hit me"

and you want your child to grow up thinking that having a weak passive mother kow towing to a father who threatens her is alright.

you are going to fuck your kid up.

If these pheromones occur, then why aren't all men bashing their pg wives/gfs? They don't exist, and there is never an excuse for what he is doing.

My exh used to quote the bible to support his theory that men are dominant and woman should be subserviant. Sound ridiculous?

I think the thing is though, it is often difficult for men to come to terms with what they are doing and they won't accept they have a problem. Hence the excuses, and refusals to get support.

5 years down the line, I'm actually engaged to a lovely bloke who never lifted a finger to me. Even when I was pg and throwing things at me, he has never lost it. Woman do have a lot of hormones to deal with during pregnancy and I was def very argumentive! Most men are understanding of that - after all you are carrying his child. My older kids don't see their birth father any more - his choice. I have twin boys with my new partner, and we are a family unit. Not quite what I imagined myself doing, but we are very happy, and the children certainly don't hate me!

I think you need to get it a bit clearer in you head about what is the right thing to do. For the sake of your child, they need you to be strong and sod what your family thing, do the right thing for your child. Get out so that you can provide them with an abuse free home.

Regarding teh personal belongings - that is hard, but belongings are nothing compared to your health, and the life of your unborn child. I lsot a LOT when I left. As soon as I went, with jsut what I could grab (while he was a work) my exh changed the locks. I actually broke in to get the rest of dd's things. Then I had to start again. It was tough at first and I had to buy all second hand, but I've gradually got back to having a nice home again. And I've got a dd who isn't having nightmares about what is going on downstairs.

*throwing things at him

The pheremones thing is a load of twaddle. If you think about it logically your partner should want to protect you even more as you are carrying his child.

I went from an abusive marriage straight into an abusive relationship and then straight into another abusive relaionship as I thought that was normal and it was me causing the problems. If only I was a better cook, housekeeper etc. Eventually after the umpteenth beating because I was wearing the wrong dress, I cracked and while I was on the fllor being kicked I kicked out myself and got him where it hurt . I literally manhandled him out of the house while he was concentrating on his pain and locked him out.

I am now in a marriage where my husband adores me. Believe me I've pushed the boundaries just to see how far I cold push him, willing him to punch me but he never has. Because that is not what real men do. We have 3 children and the pheremones and hormones have been flying but he has treated me like a princess.

My ex-husband also came from a 'good' family. I am still friends with his father, brothers and sister and they are mortified that he did this to me.

I hope you manage to get your head round every thing. Please ring Women's Aid and talk to them. Tell them exactly what you have told us and they maybe able to help you in your descisions.

GTBL, your child would only hate you if you brought it up in this bad relationship.
It is possible for your child to have a good relationship with the dad without you living with him.
Please get out now, never mind about losing your stuff you can get more in the future.
You owe it to your child to be happy and settled.
You say you are worried about who he might bring back to the house with him when the baby's there, you are going to be a nervous wreck if you don't know what type of person he is bringing in, I don't need to say any more in that respect now

he doesn't let your friends come around to the house you share?

so aswell as having a pattern of (escalating) violence towards you, he also shows other classic signs of abuse?

distancing someone from their friends is one of the first things an abusive and controlling partner does.

as for broken home - your home is broken NOW, it's a dangerous place for you and your child to be.

leaving that home to put you and your child beyond harm is the smart, responsible, caring thing to do.

it doesn't matter a damn whether your behaviour contributes to his violence or not. the facts are: this man is abusive, he is violent towards you (and by extension the child you're carrying), that violence appears to be getting worse.

the ONLY way to create a stable home for your child is to leave him. it doesn't matter what you leave behind. just find yourself somewhere to stay where you will be safe.

and please stop with the rubbish about how nice his family is. that is completely irrelevant to this situation. you and the child you're carrying are in danger.

Actually the body produces pheromeones that make your mate want to protect you not fight you.
This theory your friend has is rubbish.
Here is the truth of your situation
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
YOU ARE NOT A FALIURE IF YOU GET AWAY FROM THIS CREATURE
YOUR DC WILL NOT HATE YOU FOR GETTING THEM TO SAFTEY
Sorry to shout but you need to realise that he is to blame and is an arsehole.I don't care if you are argumentative.
When was the last time you beat the crap out of him?
When was the last time you spat on him?
I feel for you I really do.Your family don't sound very supportive and you seem to be under the impression they will hate you for having a'broken home'.
If you stay with this man then yes you will be living in a broken home because your home is a nightmare.If it's you and your dc and you are happy and safe then you would not be in a broken home but one you yourself have fixed by making this beast leave your life.
There is nothing shameful in that