How the hell am I going to tell them I'm pregnant now?

[Whydoitorturemyselflikethis]

Have NC'd but been here for a few years.

I'm pregnant, 33 weeks, second child. First child is 2, I was really young when I had them. I live at the other end of the country from my family who I see maybe every four/five months, sometimes more and sometimes less. I was with them for Christmas and hid my pregnancy. They were just so negative with DC1 and they said how angry/disappointed they'd be if I had any more DC at this age range (I nearly died first time so they were worried about me as well). Now I'm 33 weeks and still haven't told them. It's just hit me how soon I will be having another baby and none of my family know. DH's family know and are happy but I know mine won't be, and even less so given how late I've left it. How can I even tell them now? I can't sleep worrying about it. I know I have to tell them but I just don't see how

Is it just your health that makes them negative about a pregnancy? It's understandable they are worried but I'm sure medical staff are keeping a very close eye on you?

Just work out your communication script in advance and stick to it. It should be something like, you know how worried they were about your welfare with first pregnancy and you didn't want to worry them again so you haven't felt able to say anything, plus you wanted to ensure that all was fine with the baby, but now you want them to know and hope they will be happy for you. If they had good reasons apart from your health to oppose your having DC1 then you will need to set their mind at rest on those too. If it's difficult to have a conversation with them, send them a card saying all this.

Not just health, we're currently in a tiny one bed flat waiting to hopefully be rehoused but God knows when that'll be. And we have no help re childcare.

I see these threads fairly regularly and I'm always left annoyed at how some families behave . I know it's difficult when family is involved but this is your pregnancy! Are you happy? I would edge towards telling them, explaining your feelings around it then leave them to to it to sort out their own emotions. Their emotions are not your responsibility.

@Cosmogirl86 I agree with you wholeheartedly however how can I minimise the fact I've left it this late to tell them?

Honestly if your family are just going to be negative, why should you tell them? Just let them know after the event.

I would tell truth, always the best policy. I would tell them you were worried about the potential negative reaction, but now you've put that behind you and are excited to share the news.

I cannot understand how they could be angry or disappointed with you when you are a married adult woman!

If they are (wrongly) angry/disappointed then they should be keeping that to themselves.

Don't minimise that you've left it till now to tell them. Make it very clear that it is their negativity and anger that has caused this, and don't take any blame for that.

Can you send them all an email, saying that you and DH are happy to be expecting a new baby on [due date]. You can say that you understand that this is very near to be announcing, but you and DH were unsure about announcing earlier due to previous negative reactions to DS1s pregnancy.

Then don't respond to any negative responses, bar perhaps a "we're sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that.

Send them a letter. Tell them you are 33 weeks pregnant and due in X. You feel upset and judged that they are so negative about your DC. You hope that when they get used to the news of your pregnancy, they will be positive, supportive and kind.

You can't minimize a fact, it is what it is and its nothing to be ashamed about. If you want to make it less stressful for you then write them a short letter saying you are expecting a baby in 7 weeks and you are very happy and feeling well. Good luck.

I cannot understand how they could be angry or disappointed with you when you are a married adult woman!

I can, she said she's really young, and is crammed into 'a tiny one bed flat, waiting to be rehoused'. So very young, not in a position to provide herself or her family with adequate housing, and on top of that she evidently had health complications with her previous pregnancy which risked her life. I'd be disappointed if any of my DCs weren't making sensible life decisions, sorry. I wouldn't be nasty or angry, more sad and disappointed.

Perhaps what I mean is I cannot understand why anyone would push away their child and express their anger, when nothing can be changed. And the OP isn't asking anything of them, in terms of money or childcare, so really they are going to make the situation worse by being actively angry and negative.

so really they are going to make the situation worse by being actively angry and negative.

It isn't helpful but we are only human and sometimes our worries are expressed as frustration, I can understand that. Also as a fully fledged adult woman, OP needn't have concealed her pregnancy in the first place. She should have communicated like an adult and had the courage to stand by her decision, which is what she'll need to do now. Be honest, I didn't tell you because I'd knew you'd get on my case and I didn't want to hear it.

Sorry I'm at work but I'll read these when I finish

NaturalBornWoman has hit the nail on the head.

@NaturalBornWoman I understand none of us want our children to make unwise choices, but surely having concerns is more reason to be supportive and kind, and not negative and pushing child away.

Cosmogirl I guess that depends on the circumstances and how many unwise choices/requirements for supportive kindness have gone before. I don't know the situation since we have one side of the story, but PPs said they couldn't envisage being angry with their child in the circumstances described, and I'm saying I can.

Would it not be better to do it on the phone?

I think phone is best. Either way, you'll need to bite the bullet and just do it!

If you speak to them on the phone are they liable to become verbally aggressive/abusive/unpleasant/nasty or start haranguing you? If anything like that then I wouldn't give them the chance to do that, and let them know via email instead.

Do they disapprove of your dp?

I understand none of us want our children to make unwise choices, but surely having concerns is more reason to be supportive and kind, and not negative and pushing child away.

Maybe the parents figured if they were very angry and upset the OP would think twice before making a poor decision again.

@LovingLola yes, they don't like DH much.

Is he older?

Why don’t they like your DP?

I must admit I would be worried if you were my DC living in these circumstances- health, unsecured housing etc.