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Original poster

Gender disappointment

126 replies

Firesidetreats1 · 11/02/2019 14:57

So I’ve just had my 20 week scan and everything looks healthy. We did find out the sex of the baby but the sonographer said she wasn’t 100% certain and if we buy anything to keep the reciept. I had a feeling I was having a boy but deep down was desperately wanting a girl. After leaving the scan I cried, I obviously feel crap for feeling this way. I don’t know if it’s a mixture of disappointment and also still not knowing for certain. I also havent really got any boy names I like and I’m worried now I’ve felt like this I won’t connect with the baby. Has anyone ever felt like this? I know this seems like a trivial thing and there’s people who struggle to have children and we’re lucky but I just can’t shake the feeling.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2019 15:04

There have been two threads on here in the last week about this which you may find helpful.

If you want to know for sure you could book a private scan.

PostmanPatIsIncompetent · 11/02/2019 15:08

I felt a little like this in two pregnancies - ironically, the first time was because I wanted a girl, second time was because it WAS a girl and I loved my DS so much I wanted another boy! It passes. Both my kids are the absolute lights of my life and it's hard to remember why I ever thought their sex would matter.

Be kind to yourself - you can't help feelings - but don't indulge it either. It will pass.

RedTartanLass · 11/02/2019 15:42

I cried when I had my first ds, then I held him and my world changed! Same with ds2 was devastated at scan, but when he was born and I held him .... and that was that. Not one flying fuck did I give what sex he was.

It will ok.

BeeYouTiful · 11/02/2019 20:48

I wanted a daughter with my first and got a son. I then went on to my second and had another son. They are the light of my life, they love nothing more than cuddles and they're the loudest kids to ever walk the earth I'm sure.

I'm now having my third (and last) so if I have another boy I'll be disappointed I'll never get to have a daughter, but I have nieces so that suits me fine. I'll not regret or be disappointed in having another boy, they make me laugh all day everyday and you'll feel the same OP.

I don't have a boys name either, but there's plenty of time to decide on one, you'll fall in love the minute you put your eyes on him.

bridgetosomewhere · 11/02/2019 20:56

I was convinced DS was a girl which I desperately wanted.

When he was born I felt a pang of disappointment and then I never thought about it again. He was a dream baby and I was just delighted to be his mum.

It's normal to feel like this but you will be so wrapped up in your new baby love it won't last long

Burlea · 11/02/2019 21:02

Just to put a different view out there. When our daughter had her first baby, the lady in the next bed who already had 3 daughters was told her at her scan it was a boy, it was a girl.

NannyPear · 11/02/2019 21:29

Burlea 😳

ReaganSomerset · 11/02/2019 21:34

Well, try and put it in perspective. Would you rather have a healthy boy or a girl with a congenital heart defect? Or her intestines outside her body? Or a missing limb? Google the abnormalities that they're looking for at the 20 week scan, it might help you see things more clearly.

You're incredibly fortunate OP, really. This feeling will pass.

NotHeightyButMighty · 11/02/2019 21:40

Totally normal reaction. I had to find out the gender and on subsequent scans double checked what I was having. I needed to find out so I had the chance to come to terms with the grief and gender disappointment. Unfortunately not everyone is kind about this situation but I completely understand. While I'm sure will absolutely adore your baby, what you're feeling isn't personal against your child as such, the child isn't here yet and you may feel guilty but you should be supported throughout and try not to feel guilty on top of the emotional roller coaster you are already experiencing. I had an idea in my mind and had to give myself the time to alter the dreams I had held dear for so long, so that when the baby did arrive I was ready and secure in my love having let go of the 'ideal'. I hope you find it gets easier as the pregnancy progresses and you feel more connected to your baby through movements etc.

3in4years · 11/02/2019 23:31

I had a boy and a girl. The girl is amazing, as is the boy, but the girl is a lot harder work. My third was another girl. I'm not disappointed because she is also amazing. But when I hear about people having boys, I always think how lucky they are. Each baby is an individual. But generally, boys are really lovely.

Original poster
Firesidetreats1 · 12/02/2019 08:26

Thanks everyone, this is my first baby and I had always dreamt of a little girl. I also think its because I said I only wanted to have 1 child but who knows. I’m coming to terms with it, but it is hard to let go of the ideas I’d had and I do have 2 nieces.

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 12/02/2019 08:33

Anyone else read the title and just know it was going to be about having a boy? Hmm

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 12/02/2019 08:50

I felt like this when DS was first born. I really wanted a girl, mainly because everyone said it was going to be a boy and I wanted to prove them wrong. I couldn’t love my DS anymore now. I think it’s understandable but when you have your baby in your arms you won’t care!

snoopy18 · 12/02/2019 08:54

I don’t want more than one child so whatever we have will do as long as it’s healthy 😂 I do want a girl though so does hubby but I won’t be gutted if it’s a boy he will just be a cheeky monkey no doubt. I have 3 nephews and 1 niece so would be nice to have another girl in the family!

It’s bizarre as when people have asked what we’d like and when I said girl but whatever works their face drops as if having a girl is negative.

Pisses me off - they came from a woman!

Dicks 😂

TwoBucksPizzaSlices · 12/02/2019 09:02

When I was pregnant with DC1, I liked the idea of having a girl (mostly because I'd picked out the perfect girl name and couldn't stop eyeballing all the cute dresses!) but when we went for the gender scan and discovered it a was boy, my whole view point changed and I couldn't think of anything better than having a son.

We fell pregnant quickly after son was born, and soon came the 'are you trying again so that you can have a girl?' comments - but actually, both DH and I desperately wanted another boy and people couldn't believe that for some reason. Our wish was granted and we have two boys!

Pregnant again now and as this will be our last, I would like a daughter, but honestly ill be thrilled with a third son - boys are amazing and so funny and so loving! When we announce this pregnancy, I know people will bring up the whole 'bet you're hoping it's a girl' thing - people seem to assume women want daughters and men want sons Hmm

SoupDragon · 12/02/2019 09:02

It's fine. Once your baby is here you won't care as he will be yours. You had an image of a child in your head and this one doesn't match - that's fine. Once you get change that image in your head you will feel differently.

LittleDoveLove · 12/02/2019 09:11

Hi OP, I was the same. I lost my mum very suddenly not long before I became pregnant and had such a strong bond with her. I really wanted a girl to hopefully have the same bond I had with my mum when I was older, I felt like I had lost that too. I felt so guilty that I was feeling that. My husband was amazing and supportive though which helped and after a couple of weeks something shifted and I can't imagine him being a girl now! I've only a few weeks left now and I'm really excited about my little boy. Aside from trying to find clothes that aren't blue or grey in shops (Poor chap is going to think there are only two colours at this rate). We also had girl name sorted but could never agree on a boy when we had had discussions. We looked online at the 1000 baby names and wrote down a list each separately then showed each other. It was actually quite easy when we did that and our bump has had the same name since about 4 months (I found out at 11 weeks as did the NIPT test). Try not to worry, it's easy for people to judge and I did also feel guilty for my immediate reaction but everyone has a difference circumstance for how they feel :) you will bond with him don't worry xx

blondeirishmummy84 · 12/02/2019 09:30

Baby boys are awesome! I actually secretly wanted a boy over a girl and in reverse to you, I was worried I'd be disappointed if I had a girl but when DS was born it meant everything to me.
Now pregnant with my 2nd and getting the comments 'oh you'll be wanting a girl now'.......um no actually, I just want a healthy little human being and I would equally love if it were another little boy. Anyone I know who has girls usually say they are much harder work.Someone told me girls can wreck your head while boys wreck your home lol.
Gender disappointment is fairly common, especially with wanting daughters. My best friend has three boys and cried after finding out the gender of her 2nd and 3rd but obviously got over it. Although she is now pregnant with her 4th and anxious about having her gender scan this week.
Dont worry you will bond with your baby no matter what, as soon as they are in your arms they are the most precious person on the planet to you.

ReaganSomerset · 12/02/2019 10:06

@snoopy18

They might look disapproving because you expressed a preference at all rather than because of the preference you expressed. They shouldn't ask the question if they want a specific answer, but I think people expect to hear that you don't mind as long as it's healthy.

origamiunicorn · 12/02/2019 10:10

Anyone else read the title and just know it was going to be about having a boy?

Yup. I don't understand the mentality. I'd be happy with either Sad

missyB1 · 12/02/2019 10:11

As pp said please remember this was a scan checking for abnormalities, your baby didn’t have any. Some other poor woman may have received very different news after her scan. That might put it into perspective for you.

Ifailed · 12/02/2019 10:19

no scan can predict the gender of a baby.

ShowOfHands · 12/02/2019 10:28

You'll be just fine op. It's common to feel this way but it's almost certainly not going to last. You'll love your little person like nothing else.

And ignore all the crap about boys wrecking your house and girls your head or you'll be back in 3 years worrying this nonsense is true because you're having a girl this time. That's all it is really: fear of the unknown. You feel like you know girls because you were one. But it's not like that at all. Your boy is brand new just like any baby and he is yours. It is that simple. They're individuals and "boys are x" or "girls are y" is rubbish predicated on gender stereotypes.

sweetkitty · 12/02/2019 10:35

Wait until your pregnant with number 4 having already had 3DDs, oh the comments some downright nasty.

I was actually scared when we found out no4 was a boy, had a girls name picked out, could see us with a tribe of girls none of which are the same. Of course the minute he was born it all changed and it’s fab having a boy. My 4 children are all so different they couldn’t be defined by their gender.

It’s ok to be a bit disappointed, there’s always this thing we should all be happy the baby is healthy and that’s true but it’s not wrong to be a little disappointed having one sex over the other.

You’ll quickly get over it and be overjoyed with you little boy Grin

Bluerussian · 12/02/2019 10:37

Bless you Firesidetreats, when you have your little baby in your arms you will just love her or him, I promise you. It's really exciting and I am giving you Flowers in advance and just one glass of Wine, no more but one won't hurt you or your baby.

I've known people who feel as you do but it really doesn't last when the baby is born. You'll love her or him. I'm dying to hear from you when your baby arrives so don't neglect us!

I only had one child and he is a gorgeous grown up man now, wouldn't swap him for anything.

We're so fortunate, you know when you consider some people can't even have one and would love to. You probably will have another one eventually, maybe even two more :-). However you are fortunate as you are.

Good luck, lots of it!

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