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Original poster

Gender disappointment

126 replies

Firesidetreats1 · 11/02/2019 14:57

So I’ve just had my 20 week scan and everything looks healthy. We did find out the sex of the baby but the sonographer said she wasn’t 100% certain and if we buy anything to keep the reciept. I had a feeling I was having a boy but deep down was desperately wanting a girl. After leaving the scan I cried, I obviously feel crap for feeling this way. I don’t know if it’s a mixture of disappointment and also still not knowing for certain. I also havent really got any boy names I like and I’m worried now I’ve felt like this I won’t connect with the baby. Has anyone ever felt like this? I know this seems like a trivial thing and there’s people who struggle to have children and we’re lucky but I just can’t shake the feeling.

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HalfBloodPrincess · 12/02/2019 13:54

I’m having my 4th baby in a few weeks.

Although I’ve never had a preference to which sex I had, I’ve had a really strong feeling each time on what sex the baby is - a true primal instinct.

I’ve been right with each one (I know it’s only 50/50 guess but I’ve genuinely just known) but can imagine how disappointed I’d be if if I wasn’t - not because it’s a preference, but that one of my first motherly instincts was wrong.

(I’ve never been able to guess anybody else’s - my success rate is zero! Also had no instinct with the baby I miscarried)

Drogosnextwife · 12/02/2019 14:50

Anyone else read the title and just know it was going to be about having a boy?

Yup! It always surprises me that people are so shocked or disappointed when they don't get the sex they want. It's a 50%chance it's going to be a boy and 50% chance of a girls. I find it so childish.

Buddytheelf85 · 12/02/2019 15:36

I feel as though there must be something wrong with me because I’m NOT desperate for a little girl. I don’t have much preference - in fact I’ve probably got a very mild preference for a little boy. But I feel as though all women are supposed to want girls.

I didn’t have a close relationship with my mother growing up so maybe that’s it.

Anyat212 · 12/02/2019 15:51

It always surprises me that people are so shocked or disappointed when they don't get the sex they want. It's a 50%chance it's going to be a boy and 50% chance of a girls. I find it so childish

Yawn.
It always surprises me that people feel the need to comment on threads (which they don’t actually need to) without genuine advice and opt for stupid irrelevant digs instead.

OldBrownShoe · 12/02/2019 16:04

It always shocks and surprises me how much more acceptable it is that a statement like ‘I have a mild preference for a boy’ or ‘I had 2 boys and was so pleased when my 3rd was also a boy’ are, but the opposite not. You see it on every one of these threads, and they always result in a pile up of girl bashing nonsense.

OldBrownShoe · 12/02/2019 16:06

Actually that’s a lie, it’s not shocking or surprising at all.

Drogosnextwife · 12/02/2019 16:07

Anyat212

You really had no reason to comment either now did you, yet here you are. What a hypocrite. You don't want to see people responding don't read the thread. You sound childish aswell right enough.

Drogosnextwife · 12/02/2019 16:10

Also what advice should I have given the OP? There really is no advice anyone can give her that will turn her boy into a girl.

TrixieFranklin · 12/02/2019 16:12

With my first pregnancy we had 2 boys (twins) and we were so excited as we didn't really have a preference but then people were disappointed for us!! Including strangers (mostly old ladies in Sainsbury's) who would ask if we knew what we were having.. when I said 2 boys they would always make a face, say they were 'sorry' for us or make comments like 'oh I bet you're so disappointed' 'never mind there's always next time' 'that's going to be horrific' 'what did you do in a previous life to deserve that'

I hadn't worried about having boys until then and I started resenting the fact I was having two boys because of how those people made me feel and started wishing I was having one or two girls. Turns out they are the best behaved and lovely little boys in the world and I wouldn't change them for anything.

I'm expecting number 3 at the moment and we haven't told anyone what we are having.

Buddytheelf85 · 12/02/2019 16:14

@oldbrownshoe have you read this thread? Virtually every post is about having a preference for a girl!

SequinsDress · 12/02/2019 16:26

OP - boys are totally awesome (as are girls! Children are awesome!) and these feelings will pass. But you need to let it go, don't dwell on it.

When I was pregnant with my first child I had no preference at all.

When I was pregnant with my second child, I'll admit that for a short while I did have a desire for a child of the opposite sex to DC1. But it was fleeting. I was disappointed in myself to be honest as I didn't expect to feel that way. I gave myself a shake and moved on from it, as after all I had no control over it. By the end of the pregnancy I was adamant that the baby would be same sex as DC1, to the point where I didn't even think about names for the opposite sex!

I have never found out baby's sex before the birth before (once baby is in your arms there is no room whatsoever for disappointment IME)... bit if I was in your shoes I'd book a private scan to confirm the sex. Then I'd concentrate on "bonding" with the baby - pick an name you love, buy lovely clothes, focus on the fact you are growing a healthy child, etc. You can't change it so embrace it.

ShowOfHands · 12/02/2019 16:41

gender disappointment is pathetic

It isn't a choice. The op and countless other women don't want to feel this way. It's bound up with shame and guilt because it isn't something they planned. You may as well tell someone with depression to cheer the fuck up.

And we don't need to filter it through other people's misery either. Again, tell somebody with one leg lost to cancer to cheer up because they're at least alive. Kind perspective is okay but attacking somebody who is struggling is not. I have a friend who had multiple losses, two very late and needed IVF in the end. She had v bad gender disappointment and it is more common with DC conceived through assisted fertility generally. Because it's not a choice.

The op did what she should do. She acknowledged her feelings and asked for help and that is to be encouraged. We should talk about this because nobody wants to feel this way. There is nothing to be gained from ignorantly casting aspersions.

Drogosnextwife · 12/02/2019 17:01

I actually can't believe what I just read. Are you seriously comparing someone with depression or someone being upset about having cancer and losing a limb, to someone being disapointed that they are having a boy and not a girl? Ffs, I've heard it all now!

Original poster
Firesidetreats1 · 12/02/2019 17:04

Thanks everyone for your comments. I think I was just totally overwhelmed yesterday. Worried to make sure everything with the baby was okay - the scans are pretty daughting when your waiting to hear everything is okay and then the “disappointment” of an idea which I had in my head. I spoke to my partner about how I was feeling and also reading your helpful comments. I’ve been out today looking at things for him and I am feeling much more positive.

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Original poster
Firesidetreats1 · 12/02/2019 17:14

Sorry that was supposed to say daunting

OP posts:
Paradyning · 12/02/2019 17:28

Well done OP. Glad you're feeling better and congratulations

ShowOfHands · 12/02/2019 17:29

Nope. I'm trying to illustrate the pointlessness of berating people over something which isn't a choice. And I work with people with serious depression. I can tell you exactly how something like gender disappointment can be a sign of developing antenatal depression if you like? And what happens if women are mocked and called pathetic or childish when they're scared and what happens when they then hide the warning signs?

MamaDane · 12/02/2019 17:40

I think it's very common to experience disappointment if you already have an idea of what you think baby might be. There's nothing wrong with how you feel and being shamed for irrational feelings that are out of your control is rather useless, don't you think?

I think it's okay to allow yourself to mourn the idea you had of your baby being a girl, while perhaps starting to celebrate your baby's gender as a boy. Start nesting by shopping for boy clothes e.g.

He is the baby you were meant to have, he is the one you'll be kissing and holding, teaching to talk and walk.

He's healthy and he will be his own little person with his own special personality. He may be shy and cuddly or active and playful or somewhere in between, but whoever he is, he will make you smile.

Congratulations on your baby boy!

(Ignore the people in the thread who lack basic skills like empathy)

Opheliablox · 12/02/2019 17:43

I think I’m the only person who would have been privately disappointed to find out I was having a girl.

Anyat212 · 12/02/2019 18:04

Drogosnextwife

Also what advice should I have given the OP? There really is no advice anyone can give her that will turn her boy into a girl.

Maybe advice wasn’t the best word but is this not a supportive site?! or am I missing something? Hmm

Not sure it’s a platform particularly on the topic of pregnancy to bash people online! Your comments are simply stupid, the OP does not need to read your comments. Your behaviour on this thread is coming across as childish if anything.

OP - glad you’re feeling better as another PP stated ignore the people in the thread who lack basic skills like empathy

ReaganSomerset · 12/02/2019 18:27

Glad you're feeling better, OP. And congratulations Smile

TwitterLovesMAPs · 12/02/2019 18:39

I had a girl first (which is what I wanted and i was over the moon) and when I was pregnant with my second I thought it was another girl.

When I found out it was a boy I wasn’t disappointed as such, but I was a bit ‘meh’.

But then he was born and honestly, he was just an absolute joy and delight. He was SUCH a cute, cuddly placid baby.

DD is now a feisty, razor sharp, beautiful little whirlwind of dynamite wit. And DS is a gorgeous, good-natured snuggle bug.

There’s something about boys though. The bond is different. Not better or worse, just different. It’s lovely. I’m going to be a nightmare MIL!

It will be fine. When you see him you’ll fall in love forever and that will be it.

IndieTara · 12/02/2019 19:33

How does the baby's other parent feel about this?

When we found out the sex at 20 weeks my ( now ex ) DH was so upset he phoned his mum to tell her how disappointed he was.

It ruined the whole pregnancy for me and even now I can't forgive him

Drogosnextwife · 12/02/2019 21:34

Anyat212

Right, ok then 🤔

I'm not the one starting posts with "yawn".

Anyat212 · 12/02/2019 22:40

I'm not the one starting posts with "yawn".

Yes because your post was boring.. you literally spoke about it being a 50/50 chance.... Nobody is saying it’s not a 50/50 chance, you are commenting on something which you clearly don’t understand. Gender disappointment is a genuine thing. Then to say I find it childish is just ridiculous. I honestly do not understand why you’d arse yourself to comment on something when the OP is upset? Do you get a kick out of it? I wouldn’t post on this site when I can blatantly tell the OP is upset, why bother upsetting them more? Tell me what does it achieve? Aside from you being on your high horse.

As I said earlier she asked if anyone else felt like this and that she already feels crap feeling this way. Everyone knows it not the ‘norm’ to feel like this but it still happens. It’s still real.

At the end of the day you don’t understand, which is fine. But don’t come on here insulting people on an issue you clearly have no knowledge in. At the very least educate yourself before you put your opinion across. It’s funny how you’ve not acknowledged MamaDane’s post... instead you just wanted to clear up that your not the childish one Hmm

People blow my mind with their complete ignorance at times.