Gender disappointment

[Firesidetreats1]

So I’ve just had my 20 week scan and everything looks healthy. We did find out the sex of the baby but the sonographer said she wasn’t 100% certain and if we buy anything to keep the reciept. I had a feeling I was having a boy but deep down was desperately wanting a girl. After leaving the scan I cried, I obviously feel crap for feeling this way. I don’t know if it’s a mixture of disappointment and also still not knowing for certain. I also havent really got any boy names I like and I’m worried now I’ve felt like this I won’t connect with the baby. Has anyone ever felt like this? I know this seems like a trivial thing and there’s people who struggle to have children and we’re lucky but I just can’t shake the feeling.

With my first I could only imagine having a boy, and it was so yes I was delighted. Since having my ds I’ve had a miscarriage so have absolutely no preference for my second, I just want a healthy baby.
Once he’s here you’ll adore him, I think I’m oregnancy so much is uncertain perhaps you feel upset as you wanted some control, and maybe felt more confident with a girl as you have nieces?
Try not to beat yourself up, buy some cute boy baby grows and start to visualise it.
Boys really are the best!! But then I’m biased 🤣

Hi OP

Just wanted to echo what others have said, it’s a normal feeling and it will pass. I had the same feeling (although at the time I wanted a boy) I’d built a picture up having this boy first & we only agreed on boys names too. I then felt massively guilty when I found out it was a girl as I was hoping for a boy. At the end of the day she was healthy, I think hormones play havoc with your feelings too which don’t help!

Once I’d taken the news in, I went shopping and bought lots of cute little outfits and started building the picture up of my little girl.

I honestly couldn’t imagine having a boy now (I’m 31 weeks pregnant) and feel mortified looking back at how I really wanted a boy. Honestly it does pass I can promise you that.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

That sounds really catty?
I Felt a twinge of disappointment when I heard boy at my scan as I had imagined a girl in my head for years. I’ve also had multiple losses , so I really beat myself up , I was worried I wouldn’t know how to deal with boys as I’m so used to girls in the family, but I think the hormones intensify all these feelings. I soon snapped out of it though after talking to my partner and im so excited to meet him now , don’t beat yourself up and don’t listen to catty comments , I wouldn’t of understood if I’d read this after one of my losses or struggles to conceive an seen it as ungrateful. but I do get it now Xxx

Throughout my pregnancy I thought I would prefer a girl. At my 20 week scan we were told that they were 80% sure it was a boy (the umbilical cord was obscuring the view a bit), and even up until the birth I was holding onto the hope that it was a girl.

BUT as soon as my son was born all those feelings went away and he is absolutely the light of my life, and his sex doesn't actually matter at all. He is his own little person, and now at two years old he is the sweetest, most cuddliest person you could ever meet.

It's ok to feel how you are feeling, there is always someone on these threads who makes a comment along the lines of would you rather they had an abnormality etc, but that's not really very helpful I don't think. Just because the worst case scenario hasn't happened, it doesn't mean you are not allowed to experience anything other than unbridled joy! If you look up some old threads on here about this topic you'll read hundreds of responses telling you wonderful things about having a son (I agree with the pp - these posts are always about being disappointed with having a boy!).

You aren't awful for feeling this way now, right now you're preference is not based on anything but the pictures in your mind. I'd worry if you felt like this after you gave birth though, I always thought I'd have daughters being very girly myself and I have 3 boys and each time I found out I wasn't upset at all but had no real overwhelming joy as I expected... Until I got to preparing their things and then of course meeting them - I adore each of them so much and did from the moment we met, I now can't imagine having a girl. It actually winds me up when people suggest I must want a girl this time as I'm really not bothered. My boys are my world, each very different but equally perfect, I can't actually now imagine being anything but a boy mum. If it's a girl I know i will fall in love exactly as I have with the boys. You're grieving an idea at the moment you're not disappointed by the baby you will adore. You are bound to get some stick for this post as some will have experienced awful losses and others struggle to have children so they will find your thoughts insensitive and tbh horrible, I felt a bit sad reading the title even though I know it probably doesn't come from a bad place. If you won't love and bond with your baby over their gender you shouldn't have got pregnant but I'm sure that's not going to be the case, I can't see how it can be. X

there is always someone on these threads who makes a comment along the lines of would you rather they had an abnormality etc, but that's not really very helpful I don't think

I disagree. Most people IME don't even consider the full range of horrible things that can be picked up at that ultrasound. They presume it'll be fine and so concentrate on what's between the baby's legs. I think if OP gave it a google, suddenly the it's healthy would mean a hell of a lot more than the it's a boy. She may be a bit disappointed, fair enough, but if she's in tears over it, I think a little perspective is warranted.

Tbh I think you need to give yourself a little shake and get a grip.

You’re having a healthy baby.

@Firesidetreats1 giving birth to DC1 was the best day in my entire life. There is nothing that compares IMO. Even with a long labour forceps episiotomy (almost csection) blood transfusion - we were so full of joy and pride at being handed our little baby that we made. It seemed hard to believe that babies are born every single day - no one told us just HOW bloody amazing it was!! You will not care one hoot if they're boy or girl, they are yours and it really hits home how lucky you are.

Tbh I think you need to give yourself a little shake and get a grip.

You’re having a healthy baby.

Helpful response there! 😴

OP has already stated she feels terrible for feeling like this, but yeah just give her a kick whilst she’s ALREADY feeling bad eh?

Can I just point out that there is actually a thing of “gender/sex dissapointment” I’ve read lots of articles on this and it is a common feeling, people just don’t talk about it. That’s why people like you come along with your unhelpful words because to you it’s ridiculous and worthy of a head shake....

OP has just found out, built a picture in her mind, only took a liking to girl names and will have crazy hormones. Hormones in general are hard to deal with.

I have never understood these threads, and I still don't. Surely people realise you don't get a baby to order? Why would you risk getting pregnant at all if you are so invested in getting something you have only a 50% chance of getting?

And why do people think a baby's genitalia is the principal deciding factor in what that child would be like? Why are people so wedded to a rigid, reductionist view of the world which is not backed up by research? Why, in the face of ever more evidence that rigid gender roles are bollocks, do people seem to get ever more invested in pink-and-blueification?

@Stinkytoe

This woman is obviously hormonal an feels bad already why do you have to be so nasty ? What if a woman had 6 boys and would love a daughter aswell or vice Versa does that make her pathetic ?

gender disappointment is pathetic.

What is pathetic is a failure to understand that these feelings are not rational and very very common. Perhaps there are a few others on this thread who could do with a kick for different reasons.

Sometimes people need tough love, hormones aren’t an excuse for this nonsense.

Gender disappointment really worries me. We aren’t that far away from designer babies and it seems we have a country full of women desperate for little girls to have little mini-mes or something. If everyone got to choose then I think we’d be in a real mess. There’s also the obvious stereotyping of sexes that must lead to these wishes which is not helpful for little girls and boys.

Every single baby is a blessing, I’m sure in 5 months time the OP will realise that. The child’s sex really means nothing at all.

OP: this hasn't told you anything about your child of significance, not really. It hasn't told you how you will feel about him, or what he will do in life, or what he will like, or what his challenges will be. All you know is that the baby inside you has (appears to have) a penis. That is undoubtedly by far the least interesting thing about him. Why are you giving it so much weight? Is your vagina the most interesting thing about you?

Don’t try and be coy with your responses, a personal attack is a personal attack!

How can feelings be both rational and a result of being obviously hormonal? Unfortunately the two very rarely coincide.

My sister just lost a much wanted pregnancy as it was ectopic. This time last year my best friends baby was found to have Edwards Syndrome and didn’t survive the birth. There are far bigger issues than whether the child has a penis or not.

Poor boys. You can send them my way, I love my little boys to bits.

Don’t try and be coy with your responses, a personal attack is a personal attack!

Who has made a personal attack?

How can feelings be both rational and a result of being obviously hormonal?

Who said they were rational?

Stinky

I feel for your sister and friend I really do, that is awful. However, why compare that to the OP being upset about feelings which will fade shortly? Yes I get your point that there is more to it than the sex of the baby but it’s a real feeling. I don’t see how smothering your unhelpful opinion across this thread when the OP already feels down is helpful? Do you think she’s suddenly going to feel better now you’ve put that across? That you’ve compared your sister to this situation? You’re adding to the upset which isn’t helpful or needed.

How can you also be so sure that hormones are not playing a part in this? Every single pregnancy is different, I for one have absolutely crazy hormones which have effected my normal behaviour / thoughts.

CountessVonBoobs

If you can’t understand these threads, I’m assuming you’ve commented on others before? In that case why bother commenting on something which you don’t understand? People don’t talk about it that’s the problem, I just think when somebody is clearly upset and admits she feels awful for thinking it, having harsh responses is not going to make anything better. I’d understand it more if the OP was posting in AIBU and wanting to be judged but she’s not.

I understand wanting a girl but I really don't like hearing the word 'disappointment' in connection to a baby (who isn't even here yet). Be thankful that you seem to be having a healthy child. I do wonder if it was better back in the old days when I couldn't even find out what sex child I was having.

I find it hard to be sympathetic to this.
I'm sorry you feel like this OP but at my 20 week scan they were checking to make sure this baby wouldn't be as severely disabled as the last one.
We just wanted a healthy baby
Sure people pay lip service to that and until you have been in that situation you really will not understand. But. In the kindest possible way. Please get a grip and be grateful they will hopefully grow up to have a normal life and not be dead by the time they are 5.
Drastic but true.

OP, I do understand where you are coming from as when we were told we were having a boy at our scan I was over the moon but I couldn’t ignore the teeny, tiny part of me that was disappointed that I wasn’t having a daughter. I was scared I wouldn’t have the same bond that me and my mum have. But, I then realised that I’d built up an idea in my head of what having either a son or daughter would feel like, I was equally excited about the prospect of having a son, and either way I was going to feel a little bit sad about letting one of them go. I think it’s very easy to have an idea in your head of what it would be like to have the stereotypical type of relationship with a daughter but each child is an individual and cannot be defined by their gender at all. You will love your little boy no matter what x

ReaganSomerset Then you are assuming that the OP has somehow sailed through life not realising that not all pregnancies have the desired outcome, which is quite an assumption. Just because some people have it worse off than others in any given situation doesn’t mean other people are not allowed to feel whatever it is that the OP is feeling in her particular situation. Would you rather that women internalise these feelings rather than talk about and resolve them?

OP states:

Has anyone ever felt like this? I know this seems like a trivial thing and there’s people who struggle to have children and we’re lucky but I just can’t shake the feeling.

It’s been acknowledged that it’s a horrible thought and she’s upset thinking it, but still feels it. Despite what your opinions are, you can’t take that away. OP probably feels alone in asking the question on here and wants to know if it’s normal which it is. People don’t talk about it because they are scared of what people will say. There’s an article on it here www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.thebump.com/a/gender-disappointment/amp

I do agree on the comment of gender ‘disappontment’ it is a shame it’s labeled like that, especially when it tends to be an initial feeling.

@Kintan Fair enough, and if that is the case here I'm sorry, OP. But I didn't say she's not allowed to feel how she feels, I'm offering something that I think might help her get over it. She obviously doesn't want to feel this way and (presuming she isn't fully aware of all that can be identified at the 20 week scan-if you are, OP, then sorry for my presumption) looking at the medical conditions the scan screens for may help her to stop fixating on the sex of the baby. It's a different approach to 'there, there, it'll be OK' but it is a genuine suggestion.