Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Gender disappointment

126 replies

Firesidetreats1 · 11/02/2019 14:57

So I’ve just had my 20 week scan and everything looks healthy. We did find out the sex of the baby but the sonographer said she wasn’t 100% certain and if we buy anything to keep the reciept. I had a feeling I was having a boy but deep down was desperately wanting a girl. After leaving the scan I cried, I obviously feel crap for feeling this way. I don’t know if it’s a mixture of disappointment and also still not knowing for certain. I also havent really got any boy names I like and I’m worried now I’ve felt like this I won’t connect with the baby. Has anyone ever felt like this? I know this seems like a trivial thing and there’s people who struggle to have children and we’re lucky but I just can’t shake the feeling.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mrsmuddlepies · 12/02/2019 23:24

I think one of the reasons for the hostility to gender disappointment is the fear that the massive imbalance of the sex ratio in India and China will make its way to this country. The scale of aborted female foetuses is huge. Women and men put such pressure on a pregnancy to be a particular sex.
Both countries have two thirds baby boys to a third girls being born.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3168620/
It is really dangerous and bad for society. It is so much healthier to embrace and offer thanks for all babies.

Iggi999 · 12/02/2019 23:30

Both dh and I strongly felt we were having a girl, didn’t find out and when ds1 was born it was absolutely amazing. I didn’t have a second of regret and why should I, I had a healthy baby and he was and is adorable. For our next child we’d have liked a girl for the “one of each” thing, but we lost that baby and several more. Ds2 was welcomed as he all babies should be, as the absolute bloody miracle they are.
Pregnant women need support even when being a bit daft, but they also need a reality check sometimes. Good luck with your pg OP.

Iggi999 · 12/02/2019 23:33

Yeah and the disappointment specifically with having a boy is getting kind of old too.

Howdoidothis4eva · 12/02/2019 23:34

I'm sure you'll be happy whatever sex the baby is, and you'll just be glad it's healthy.

Btw, it's SEX, not gender. If you're too prudish to use the word SEX correctly, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it, lol.

Delilah7 · 13/02/2019 08:22

@Firesidetreats1 I completely understand this. I have my 20 week scan in two weeks and I know health is the most important thing and deep down I don't care the gender. But we will only be having 1 child due to the hyperemesis I have gone through. Which means if it's not the girl I've always thought I'd have I won't have a daughter. That bothers me. But then when I think about it too, not having a son would bother me aswell! I think it's pretty normal to feel this way. People can be so harsh about it yet we are told to express our feelings and talk about it x x

Yogagirl123 · 13/02/2019 08:32

Someone I know really wanted a girl was told at the scan it was another boy. She was so disappointed and couldn’t hide it. She then went for a 3D scan,while she was there the sonographer asked would you like to know the gender, she said oh I know it’s a boy, the sonographer said no it’s a girl! And yes she had a girl.

I was told both of mine were boys and they were, wouldn’t change it for the world. Having a child of either gender is awesome, you will love your baby to bits OP. Good luck and congratulations.

Justus22 · 13/02/2019 11:48

@howdoidothis4eva if you are too high and mighty to stop yourself correcting others terminology to massage your own sad superiority complex and can't be capable of basic manners/kindness then maybe you shouldn't be doing it, lol.

coffeeforone · 13/02/2019 12:00

I have 2 boys. I didn't mind with my first as I had no preference. With DS2 don't think I felt disappointed at the actual 20 week scan because I'm a worrier so just came out with the overwhelming relief that he was healthy.

However, I only want two children, and I had always imagined having a daughter so a few days later there was a slight pang of disappointment when I realised that a daughter is now highly unlikely. I don't think about it now though and wouldn't change my boys for the world.

coffeeforone · 13/02/2019 12:05

And I would say 'gender' disappointment rather than 'sex'. I.e. the it's unlikely I will have a child that grows up and identifies themselves as female.

RaininSummer · 13/02/2019 17:50

Why wouldn't your child identify themselves as female once grown up assuming that they are? Surely you are aware that the way gender is used very often at present isn't what we are meaning at all when we talk of knowing what kind of baby we are likely to give birth to?

Howdoidothis4eva · 13/02/2019 23:38

@Justus22, nothing to do with being high and might, which I'm far from, but language is important. Sex is a biological reality, whereas gender is a harmful, man-made concept, generally designed to keep men & women in their stereotyped boxes.

Howdoidothis4eva · 13/02/2019 23:39

*mighty

RLOU30 · 13/02/2019 23:44

I got told I was having a girl at my 12+5 scan! I just had a feeling i was having a boy (probably because I really wanted a girl) so I paid private and sure enough i was carrying a (albeit very shy and cross-legged) baby boy! I was so upset for a couple of days as I had already pictured her and named her but then I got over it. My son is 8 months old now and if I ever have another baby I would want a boy again because I just love that he is a boy. You will be fine xx

2019Dancerz · 14/02/2019 09:42

Why do people have such a preference for one sex in the beginning? I mean you can not guarantee what you get, so the only reason to decide to ttc should be if you would be equally happy with either of the two options. Seems really stupid otherwise, unless you plan to give it back.

Justus22 · 15/02/2019 18:17

@howdoidothis4eva so you educate people by taking a 'know it all' stance and being unkind/rude to them? I don't think her baby will mind she said 'gender' not 'sex' and you knew what OP meant. I explained the difference between gender & sex to my 8 year old the other day as he said gender in the wrong context, he has a friend who's older brother was born female and is totally accepting of this, he didn't even mention it until I asked and then he told me I'm the same way he told me what he had for lunch at school, not phased at all and he's def not influenced by societies stereotyped boxes either and yet today he asked again when we find out the babys 'gender' and I didn't bother correcting him again as he's not being offensive. I think kindness and manners are more important than inoffensive language errors personally.

avacadooo · 08/03/2019 19:19

Hi, my twenty week scan is in two weeks and I'm dreading it for finding out if it's a boy or a girl.
I desperately want a girl but keep telling everyone I want a boy because I know it must be. My Sil just had a baby girl and my mil is predicting I'm having a boy which has really upset me for no reason.
I've got a niece and two nephews on my side of the family and my side think it's a girl. I honestly don't know what to do, this will be my only child as I've had such a shit pregnancy and don't ever want to do it again. Did it get better op? Do you still feel disappointed now?

Original poster

Firesidetreats1 · 08/03/2019 20:02

@avacadooo I do feel better now - it was hard at the time too as my best friend is a week ahead of me and is having a girl. I think like you said people predicting doesn’t help I don’t think. It’s been about a month and I don’t feel like I did when I posted this post so yeah it does get better. Don’t get me wrong buying clothes and things has been hard as I don’t think there’s a lot of options of boys and there’s loads for girls. I guess you just can’t help your emotions at the time, scans can be worrying as well as it’s to check everything is okay but there’s also a lot of build up for the 20 week scan.

OP posts:

avacadooo · 08/03/2019 21:38

Thank you so much for getting back to me! It was the mil's comments about how I shouldn't even look at pink things because I'm having a boy which has devastated me a bit, also think I'm worried she'll be disappointed if it's a girl.
It's so difficult because it's one of those things people think you're a monster if you admit to feeling this way.
It must also be stress for this scan too because time is not going fast enough.
Btw I was having a nosey at boys stuff on next, there's quite a lot of nice things on there.💕

Delilah7 · 09/03/2019 07:32

I've found out I'm having a boy and I was over the moon at the scan. He's healthy and I get a son! I then wondered why I ever wanted a girl 😂😂 I promise it's normal to feel a certain pull towards one gender but at the end of the day it really doesn't matter when you know they're healthy 💙

VelvetPineapple · 09/03/2019 07:54

Why are these threads always by women who are disappointed about having a boy? Basically they want a mini-me to dress in pretty clothes and style her hair, play with dolls and take her to ballet, and when she grows up you’ll be best friends and go for shopping trips and spa days. Then they find out it’s a boy and feel deprived of all that. Such a stereotypical view of what daughters (and sons) are like. Perhaps wait and see what your child turns out like?

IndieTara · 09/03/2019 08:18

That's a bit of a sweeping statement @VelvetPineapple

Original poster

Firesidetreats1 · 09/03/2019 09:33

@VelvetPineapple Thanks for your opinion but what you’re saying doesn’t help this thread. Pregnancy can be difficult and make you hormonal and irrational. I think speaking out about things which others maybe struggling with too is important. The person who was replying to my OP was feeling the same thing I was. You’re comments don’t actually help, imagine if you were feeling this way and someone commented making you feel shitter than you already do for having those feelings 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

Babyno2mamabear · 09/03/2019 10:21

@VelvetPineapple....you talk about others being stereotypical about their preferences (although, where's your evidence for this?) And then you make possibly the most stereotypical and sweeping statement there is by someone who clearly lacks an understanding of Gender Disappointment.

MarshaBradyo · 09/03/2019 10:24

Poor little baby boy, but I really do think that you’ll be as much as in love with him when he’s here as a baby girl. I hope so anyway.

SparklySneakers · 09/03/2019 10:27

I wish they would stop disclosing the sex at scans precisely because of these situations. At one time Trusts refuses to do it due to abortions if a girl. Not sure if they still do. Sex observed on scans can be wrong. Wait until you give birth to find out. I did with all mine and it was the best part that waiting to see if they were a boy or girl.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6