Gender disappointment

[Firesidetreats1]

So I’ve just had my 20 week scan and everything looks healthy. We did find out the sex of the baby but the sonographer said she wasn’t 100% certain and if we buy anything to keep the reciept. I had a feeling I was having a boy but deep down was desperately wanting a girl. After leaving the scan I cried, I obviously feel crap for feeling this way. I don’t know if it’s a mixture of disappointment and also still not knowing for certain. I also havent really got any boy names I like and I’m worried now I’ve felt like this I won’t connect with the baby. Has anyone ever felt like this? I know this seems like a trivial thing and there’s people who struggle to have children and we’re lucky but I just can’t shake the feeling.

When I was young everyone wanted a boy, teenage girls and young women were all brought up thinking that having a boy was the goal. Even when my eldest was young (she is 28) and she and her friends where talking about babies it was always a boy that was the ideal. It really has come full circle with girls being preferred now. I am sure at some point it will turn around again.

@VelvetPineapple that's incredibly rude. I was extremely vulnerable last night and needed to know what I was feeling was normal. After sleeping on it I realise whatever it is I will be upset because I always wanted a boy and a girl and unfortunately for me I will not be having two because of my hyperemisis. So I feel like I'm grieving the loss of even the chance of two and what set me off was comments out of the blue insisting I was having a boy because that's what they wanted.
I also have a young nephew who I am a massive part of his life so to some degree I want a girl because he's my boy and he's a great kid but a girl would be an interesting new experience it's not so I can dress her up like a doll and force her to do ballet because I loved getting muddy and judo.
I will love my child but how dare you act as if I'm the bad guy for having feelings I can't control.

@SparklySneakers I'm glad they tell you the sex before because I need to prepare for whatever it is but I do think it's sick people abort on what it is.

Yes, of course, I was totally unprepared for all three of my children not knowing what sex they were before they were born. Millions of other women have similarly been unprepared too. It's a miracle we all survived those first weeks being so unprepared

@SparklySneakers I meant mentally, didn't need the sarcasm. I personally need to know what I'm having to make this experience more bearable. Sorry I struggle with my mental health because of this pregnancy and need to know the sex so I can get used to what my little family will be.

As someone who just had miscarriages and no children, threads like these always make feel angry, but then that's my own stupid fault for reading them.

It's also an insurmountable divide: people on the other end will never really understand how lucky they are, any more than I can understand this.

However, I do seriously believe that all the pink/blue colour coding crap is partly the reason why some young people get very confused about what sex they "really" are. It's very overt stereotyping and it starts before they're even born. It didn't used to be that messed up and it's getting worse.

No one needs to know a baby's sex to "prepare". It tells you nothing about who they'll be or how they'll like to dress or what activities they'll love. Why can't a boy have a pink nursery and wear dresses, or a girl have blue clothes and go out on adventure days or whatever, if that's what you as a family want? It all just seems bonkers.

What if that service wasn't available? What if the sonography is wrong? How will you cope then? I worry you are setting yourself up for further issues if they are wrong. Hope you're getting help for your MH. Pregnancy plays havoc with it

@NopeNi Totally agree

I think disappointment at the sex of one's baby is...utterly appalling.

Gender stereotypes are stupid. Wanting a mini-me is horrendous. Talk about living vicariously.

PS I have 2 beautiful boys. Would have been totally delighted with any combo of any sex.

I have 3 girls OP we always wanted a boy but now if we are lucky enough to ever have another I would LOVE another girl. What ever you get you will be the happiest you’ve ever been

My first words (pre scan days) when my daughter was born were 'Oh I wanted a boy'. I soon forgot that and went on to have another daughter and was absolutely delighted.

I am sure that you will love what you get and will find it hard to believe that you were disappointed initially.

It’s all well saying don’t disclose the sex at scans and wait until the birth but what if those feelings were there at birth!? People can go through mental health issue/ post natal depression. Finding out the sex in a time where you’re not able to control your body/ your emotions can bring a sense of “getting prepared”. I knew what I was feeling was unrational and like stated in the op I did mention that I know people go through horrible things like miscarriages and not being able to conceive, however i still felt the way i did and I’m glad that i posted this thread as obviously someone else was feeling the same way and wanted some comfort in knowing that it was okay to feel that and that it will be okay. Bashing people for feeling a certain way doesn’t help the situation when people are feeling crap. The thread was actually looking for reassurance and comfort so I don’t understand if people can’t offer that why they feel the need to say anything.

I'm going to post what I posted on a similar thread last night. Nothing amazes me more than the adults on here totally unable to empathise with the feelings of others. Nobody is sat here saying they're ungrateful for being pregnant with a boy/girl. Nobody is saying they are going to abort. Everyone on here is saying they know their feelings are irrational. To those of you shaming these people, perhaps try and have some compassion? Just because your feelings are different to those being posted doesn't mean that those expressing them should be shamed for it. Anyway.....here is what I posted last night and I hope it gives some people a little insight into gender disappointment......." I had my son three years ago and currently pregnant with my 2nd baby. I always said I never minded whether we had boys or girls - I love my son to bits and said another like him would be perfect! And equally a girl would be too. Then from about 13 weeks I had the huge sense of "this baby HAS to be a girl". I felt so horribly selfish, but I just kept saying to my partner I'd feel so disappointed if it was a boy - to everyone else I joked that I didn't mind and put on a brave face. I cried every day that it was going to be a boy. And I cried even harder because I was so God Damn frustrated that I was getting so upset over something I had no control over and I knew I was being pathetic. I should just be happy to be pregnant. I did not want to feel this way, and I knew it was wrong but had no control over it. My control over my emotions exactly mimicked those of my PND and I was in a very dark place - thinking about it 24/7. We later found out that this baby is a girl and I thought I would feel huge overwhelm of excitement....i didn't! I still felt guilty every day for thinking that I would be disappointed with a boy. Now at 31 weeks I am finally excited! And as my emotions have settled I've realised I would be happy with any outcome. But for everyone saying horrible things to those who have gender disappointment, or possible gender disappointment....believe me it isn't a feeling I ever wanted to choose - especially as clearly it is so drastically misunderstood and judged by so many"

Fireside I felt very much like you did. I so wanted a girl, I had no idea what to do with a boy! I only found out at birth (traumatic emergency section as baby was breech) and partly the birth and partly as he was a boy it did take me a while to bond with him. He is now 12 and I also have another DS and I wouldn't change them for the world. It's difficult when you're pregnant and your emotions are everywhere, sometimes we don't think clearly and somethings can become a huge hurdle when they are not.

Anyone else read the title and just know it was going to be about having a boy?

Yep, me. It always is. I have two boys(no girls) and feel like people (or at least the people who are disappointed with boys, and openly ask me if I'm going to try again for a girl, cos my sons don't count or something) see our family as something to be pitied (it isn't!)

Thanks @SparklySneakers.

Apologies for "shaming" you OP

Still, you and yours get a family for ever more, and I never will, so you all win in the long run.

Enjoy while I work out how to hide this topic from a mobile.

@NopeNi swipe the blue but to the left and it gives you the option to hide it.

@NopeNi

@NopeNi I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your miscarriages, I know how incredibly lucky I am to be pregnant and I can't even begin to understand how you must feel.
But I'm not saying I don't want this baby, I do and I don't like feeling this way about something as trivial as the gender but for some reason I do but no matter what it is I will appreciate it and love it I just need to get over this initial feeling.
I hope you're ok.💕

@Firesidetreats1 sorry for coming on this thread to ask, I wouldn't of if I'd known how bashed you'd get.

Well if it's the gender then if you find yourself with a boy you can identify him as a girl and dress him in "girly" things and give him a female name and raise him female. If its a girl then do the opposite 🤷🏼‍♀️ if it's sex you're concerned about then there's nothing you can do about that.

I had two girls and was worried my third child would be a boy because I had no idea what to do with a boy. It was totally silly of me but how I felt. When dc3 was born and they put him on me all I could feel as I held him was his testicles I was in a weird position I think and holding him under the bum. But I can honestly say that I've been bowled over by him. He's awesome and now 4. Much easier than his sisters ever were too. He's a joy to behold and I don't know why I was worried I'd have a boy. Best surprise ever.

Good luck to you

I desperately wanted a girl with my second due to a disability that is more prevalent in boys that DS1 has, he will need a lifetime of care and the thought of having two severely disabled children was terrifying.

Luckily DS2 hasn't got the disability, but I had years of fear wondering/waiting and over analysing every aspect of my son's life before that became clear.

I also had people turning around and throwing a boot in about how I should be happy to be pregnant at all,

Obviously this isn't the case for the OP, but compassion and empathy is seriously lacking in this thread.

Nothing helpful or supportive to add why bother commenting.

OP trust me its normal, and it will pass
Before long you will question why it was even an issue in the first place
All the best for the rest of the pregnancy and birth

I felt that way and cried all the way home. Then after a few hours of thinking of the exciting things I could do with my Prince I got over it. I feel silly now but it's perfectly natural. Give yourself time to get over it and then when your ready you'll be so excited! The names will come don't worry!

I'm fourteen weeks, and i have a feeling I'm carrying a girl... I'm having a really hard time with it (don't get me wrong, i will LOVE and adore them no matter what, i know sex isn't important and gender can change when they determine it), but I'm just struggling coming to terms with it. I will be a single parent, it's the first grandchild on either side, and everyone is convinced it's a girl. My ex already has two girls, who he adores, and I'm dreading when my child gets old enough to ask about him and what i say "sorry, your father already has two daughters he adores but you're the daughter he doesn't want anything to do with".

Also, as of right now I'm living with my mum and she is very overbearing and insisting it's a girl.
I mainly just feel as if this isn't my pregnancy and it's something to be ashamed about and i don't know how to fix my feelings.

You can't compare losses to disappointment over the sex. I have had both, it's not comparable. I'm sorry for all those who have suffered losses on this thread, but we all lead our own lives, suffer all kinds of different losses, all of us take some things for granted. Perhaps this is not the thread for you if you're going to take it so personally.

I'm was happy when I had DS1, and I did wish for a DC of the opposite sex for our second and final child. I got two of the same. And I was disappointed when I found out... not unhappy or sad that he was a boy but more a sense of disappointment that I was never going to have a girl. Two different feelings.

Wishing you the best op

I’m sure you will be fine when you meet him OP! I had wanted a girl for as long as I could remember and we’re only having one child. When my son was born I was so busy being happy he was here that I didn’t even think about the fact that I wasn’t going to have a daughter and I have never once felt anything other than joy at having a son.