Gender disappointment

[HanB7]

I know this is going to sound awful but would really appreciate other people’s opinions. I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. My partner and I weren’t trying but knew I couldn’t get pregnant. We decided to see a fertility specialist where I was told I didn’t ovulate. I was put on tablets which she said could take between a year-2years to work. Great lots of time to move and sort out any money problems. I became pregnant on the first go. I felt shocked but extremely lucky. My partner already has a 7yo Daughter and was adamant he didn’t want a boy. It never bothered me But after his constant talking of wanting a girl it made me want one. I felt like I was having a girl. Looked at nothing but girls clothes and names. So when I was told yesterday that it was a boy I felt devastated. I was sure it was a girl so being told it wasn’t felt as if someone had taking a baby from me that I didn’t even have. I felt like I had let my partner down as he told me
He was disappointed and wanted nothing to do with naming the baby buying clothes etc. I assured him
He would love it and his disappointment would soon fade which he agreed with. I felt selfish for being upset as so many people can’t have children and would do anything hing for any baby. He’s healthy and a little wriggler. I look at boys clothes and names and become instantly saddened by all the girl things i’ll Never have. I don’t know what to do with a boy and can find no names I even slightly like. I’m worried I won’t be a good mum because of how I feel even with people telling me as soon as he arrives all of those feelings will disappear which I do believe. Has anyone else gone through this and how did it feel after he/she was born? Would really appreciate any advice.

Give your partner a shake! Try and just be happy you’re pregnant especially as it’s happened easily when you didn’t expect it to!

Give yourself some time (and your partner a shake).

You had built up in your head a picture of being a mother to a little girl. It'll take you a bit of time to let go of that picture, and begin to build a new picture of yourself as the mother to an amazing little boy.

It sounds like a lot of this was caused by your partner talking about wanting a girl. You have certainly not let him down - it's a 50/50 shake of the dice, and him harping on about something that you cannot choose and have no control over really won't have helped you.

For some reason these threads always seem to be about people not wanting a boy?!

I have a boy and a girl - both are lovely just the way they are. They are individuals and not just a sex.

Honestly, I am furious on your behalf. For your own partner to taint the experience of your first child with his own issues is horrible. He said he was disappointed and wanted nothing to do with names and clothes? He can fuck right off. Every day people are told they can't have children or that there is something wrong with their unborn child. He needs some bloody perspective and to step up and be a parent and be excited and supportive. I would be bloody appalled if my partner said any of that to me.

Oh and you could point out that it's his sperm that decides the sex :)

I knew this would be about not wanting a boy. These threads always are.

You and your partner need to give your heads a wobble. You’re having a baby. You don’t know what to do with a boy? You treat him like a baby, as you would a girl. You feed, bath clothe and change them.

I’m a mum of two boys and they are my absolute world. And no I’m not having any more. Your children are little individuals, stop defining your baby by his sex before he’s even here. I despair. 🙄

I was the opposite and wanted 2 boys, got 1 boy 1 girl.
Boys are wonderful.

(So are girls but harder work lol!)

Devastated to be having a boy? Let your partner down?

Wow, imagine being a disappointment to your parents before you've even taken your first independent breath

I have 2 boys and honestly at first I did have a slight preference for a girl (probably because I had ideas about pretty clothes and someone to shop with etc). They are 11 and 14 now and I wouldn't change one little thing about them, I am just so happy that they are who they are and consider myself so lucky. Even if I got pregnant again now (unlikely) I actually would have a slight preference for a boy due to nostalgic memories of my kids being babies though I know I would love a girl equally as much. You love your baby for who they are not their sex. My 2 boys are totally different to each other.

Oh don’t worry I pointed that out straight away!

Thanks for all your comments. I knew a lot of people wouldn’t agree with what I said which I completely understand. As I said it was the adamancy that it was a girl. I will love and do love my little boy already and I can’t wait for him to get here! A lot of people have said boys love their mums and are a lot easier. I’ve always liked the thought of a boy. I think it’s jist getting used to something I didn’t think would happen. But yes he definitely needs a shake! All of your messages no matter what the opinion have made me feel better so thank you.

When did girls become so obviously desired by expectant parents? I'm genuinely interested. 30 years ago I remember mum's often wanted boys for their husband's sake

I would suggest he was thinking how hard it is being a PT df to his dd and if it was a girl he could get things right this time.
Like rewriting his mistakes sort of.
Hope that makes sense.

I had a ds and my ex went ott to be a good df after losing contact with his own ds's.

I think its the complete misconception that girls are closer to their mum's, and people still seem to believe that trite "a daughters a daughter all her life......." guff and mum's have images of girlie shopping trips and afternoon teas and sharing makeup tips and being there for the birth of the granddaughter (natch) etc etc, and sons cant stand their mum and move out at 16 and marry a complete bitch who only lets their MIL see baby for 10 minutes when it's a leap year. or something.

Before I was pregnant with dc1 I wanted a girl. However the day I found out I was pregnant all I could picture was a little baby boy. If I had been told that my boy was a girl I imagine I would have grieved for the boy I didn't have rather than be sad that I was having a girl. Could it be grief that you don't have the daughter you imagined rather than disappointment that they are a boy?

I now have 2 boys and I'm planning a third, but I'd love a third little boy. If I had a girl I wouldn't be disappointed she was a girl, just sad that everything I had imagined wasn't going to happen how I thought. Vice versa if it is the boy I imagine I might be sad that I would never have a daughter. I would still be thrilled to have my third and final baby, it's just the end of how I imagine my future that would make me feel a bit lost.

@Aprilshowersnowastorm I completely agree. He is an amazing dad to his Daughter they’re like best friends. I think he’s worried he won’t have the same relationship with a boy as he loves his daddy’s girl. I feel it is more worry than anything else which will disappear as things get closer and he holds him for the first time.

@GummyGoddess I guess I chose the wrong words. I’m not disappointed, I’ve had a great pregnancy a few hiccups here and there but I’ve loved every minute of it. I can’t wait to see what my little boy looks like and cuddle him all day. It is more of a grief of a baby girl I thought I had and all the things I imagined. But I’m so in love with this little boy already!

As I said it was the adamancy that it was a girl

But surely you realise that was a bit, well, ridiculous? It was a 50:50 chance, and it doesn’t matter how adamant anyone was that it was a girl, it was still equally as likely to be a boy? You knew that?

You'll have a lot of fun with him. There doesn't appear to be any difference in the children at dc1s age (2) between sexes so far other than girls have more choices of clothes in shops. My friends with girls also are swamped with cars and chasing them up climbing frames just as I and my friends with boys are doing.

I'm sorry OP but your Partner sounds like a total arse. Wants nothing to do with naming the Baby or buying clothes etc.? Does that also mean he doesn't want anything to do with the Baby once he arrives? I would absolutely tell him to change his attitude Immediately or do one. A baby regardless of gender is such a precious gift and the fact that you had tried so hard to fall pregnant in the first place he should feel blessed! You both should! I understand gender disappointment, really I do - that's quite normal and you will get over it during the pregnancy but your Partners comments are not Ok

What a surprise - a gender disappointment thread about having a boy! My son is not a consolation prize, he's not second best and I would not swap him for all the tea in China (or any little girl for that matter). Slightly more male children are born than female so why do people persist in being shocked that they are having boys? I'm so tired of this myth that ALL women want a daughter and that boys are second best. I didn't care what I was having, I adore my son and I'm sure I'd have adored a daughter of I'd had one. Babies and children are so much more than a bunch of hackneyed gender stereotyping each one is unique and brilliant and beautiful. I hope your partner gets his act together and he doesn't make his son feel like a disappointment (and I hope my gorgeous son doesn't ever read these threads and think I would have preferred a girl.

My partner already has a 7yo Daughter and was adamant he didn’t want a boy

I don't understand why you would agree to have a baby with this man when he has openly admitted that there's a 50:50 chance he won't want that baby?
He sounds like a complete twat to be honest, refusing to talk about names or have anything to do with preparing for the arrival of his own baby. Basically, he's sulking like a child who didn't get the toy he wanted. Is he planning on completely ignoring your son when he's born too? He needs to snap out of it.

I also don't understand why or how the women on these threads are always "convinced" that they're having a girl, to the extent that they apparently haven't even a acknowledged the possibility it could be a boy. It makes no sense. It's not a "shock', it's not a bolt out of the blue, surely- it's 50:50 and you know this when you decide to have a baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I had one DD and desperately wanted a boy second time round. At the 20 week scan we were told DC2 was a girl. I was so upset, and I'm ashamed to say that I cried ridiculously for about 24 hours. Within a week I had got over it though and I wouldn't swap her for the world now (she's nearly 4).

I couldn't tell anyone in real life because I should have been grateful that I was having a healthy baby, I felt guilty like you. It was definitely grief for the son I wouldn't have. But I have none of that now. At all. I'm sure your DP will be the same in time.

Your partner is a twat.

You are having a healthy baby be happy about that.

These threads are also always always anti- boy. I suggest you go look up the other million of them.

Some of the posters here are exceptionally rude. Clearly have no idea exactly how difficult it is to deal with gender disappointment.
I say that as someone who has been through it myself. My husband and I decided to try for a baby and were fortunate to conceive. I've always wanted a daughter, he did not have a preference.
I'd never ever find out the sex until the birth, it's just not something I'd ever want to do. One I think it's nicer to ind out when your baby is there in the room with you, not just on a screen. Two because I think if you do have a strong preference for a either a boy or a girl, it's easier to deal with not having what you were hoping for when your baby is in your arms, not just on a scan picture.
Anyway, we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. I wanted a girl so badly, friends were expecting girls, it hurt. I thought "why did we not get our girl"? Of course over time I dealt with it (on my own, with no help professional or otherwise), I had to. Don't misunderstand I adore my son, I did from the second he was born, but I was still disappointed when the midwife said "it's a boy". My son is now 3 and I'm incredibly proud and I know how lucky I am to have him. And i would not change him for the world.

OP, I admit i haven't read the thread, I saw the first few comments saying your partner 'needs a shake' and I couldn't read anymore, I was too angry. I'd suggest giving him some time to come round, and talking things through calmly, and explain that in the end a baby of either sex is a blessing. I truly hope you are able to sort things out, and I wish you all the best.

To the rude posters: this was not easy for me to write, its taken a lot because I know how easily people judge this sort of thing. Every day I have to live with the guilt and shame of how I felt for the rest of my life, and unless you've felt it you have no idea how difficult it is to overcome. So perhaps instead of being so judgemental, why not try offering some support and at least trying to understand. If you can't do that, there's still no need to be so rude at all.

@happymummy12345 your comments meant the world to me and I appreciate all of your kind words. Thank you for understanding