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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Gender disappointment

167 replies

HanB7 · 14/09/2018 12:35

I know this is going to sound awful but would really appreciate other people’s opinions. I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. My partner and I weren’t trying but knew I couldn’t get pregnant. We decided to see a fertility specialist where I was told I didn’t ovulate. I was put on tablets which she said could take between a year-2years to work. Great lots of time to move and sort out any money problems. I became pregnant on the first go. I felt shocked but extremely lucky. My partner already has a 7yo Daughter and was adamant he didn’t want a boy. It never bothered me But after his constant talking of wanting a girl it made me want one. I felt like I was having a girl. Looked at nothing but girls clothes and names. So when I was told yesterday that it was a boy I felt devastated. I was sure it was a girl so being told it wasn’t felt as if someone had taking a baby from me that I didn’t even have. I felt like I had let my partner down as he told me
He was disappointed and wanted nothing to do with naming the baby buying clothes etc. I assured him
He would love it and his disappointment would soon fade which he agreed with. I felt selfish for being upset as so many people can’t have children and would do anything hing for any baby. He’s healthy and a little wriggler. I look at boys clothes and names and become instantly saddened by all the girl things i’ll Never have. I don’t know what to do with a boy and can find no names I even slightly like. I’m worried I won’t be a good mum because of how I feel even with people telling me as soon as he arrives all of those feelings will disappear which I do believe. Has anyone else gone through this and how did it feel after he/she was born? Would really appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 15/09/2018 18:41

To the poster upthread who said boys are messy and smelly and noisy and boisterous that's utter shit not all boys are, some girls are how about not generalising and think of these children as individuals

I have 2 boys and yes I will admit to previously having had a preference for one of each but now if I were to have a third I'd love another boy

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 15/09/2018 18:42

I couldn’t care less what you think of me. The comments made about boys on here have been far worse than anything I’ve said.

HannahB1993 · 15/09/2018 18:43

Dunno hun, you are just as bad I think. Sorry.

BakedBeans47 · 15/09/2018 18:45

Not this again.

Biscuit
BakedBeans47 · 15/09/2018 18:49

I think I want a girl because my family
Is all girls and it's what I'm used to.

I hope you briefed your partner’s sperm accordingly.

Winterfellismyhome · 15/09/2018 18:51

I wanted a girl and was told i was having one at my 20 week scan. Great. My ds was born at 41 weeks and he's amazing, the best thing that's ever happened to me. Turns out once the baby is here you dont care if its a boy or girl.

justanotherday4 · 15/09/2018 18:51

I don’t understand these threads at all Confused genuinely confuses me. My first was a boy and I’m pregnant with my second boy and all I know is that I love my little son more than I ever knew was possible, that’s the only cliche which counts in my opinion- not that boys are messy and bold? That girls are all into girly things like painting their nails and going for girly shopping trips? They’re such trivial aspects of life. Please just be happy with your healthy baby and try to put yours and your partners disappointment behind you, it’s so unfair to your little baby!

BakedBeans47 · 15/09/2018 18:51

Nobody lives inside your body

Except the little baby boy who is a source of “devastation” to his parents.

missyB1 · 15/09/2018 18:56

I honestly think if people feel this strongly about not wanting a boy then they shouldn’t be ttc at all, or they need to go abroad for gender selection or something.
I knew it would be about not wanting a boy Sad since when did we become so anti baby boys?? What is so awful about having a son? I have 3 of them and would dearly have loved al my 4th whom I sadly miscarried.

Celebelly · 15/09/2018 19:01

Idk, I can understand a momentary fleeting disappointment, especially if you already have one sex and had hoped for another. But to be devastated, for your partner to say he wants nothing to do with clothes or naming, especially when it's your first baby, is pretty horrendous IMO.

I'm pregnant with my first and I want a healthy baby and a safe birth. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl when I've seen people around me struggle to get pregnant and suffer miscarriages or have babies with health problems. The luxury of worrying about sex is something that I very quickly got over.

I was a tomboy so someone who wanted a girly girl would have been very disappointed to get me! I often wonder how much gender stereotyping goes into this idea of 'I want a girl'. Each baby is an individual - some have penises, some have vaginas, but they all have their own personalities and will grow up to enjoy different things.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 15/09/2018 19:23

2 different scans told me to expect a dd.
After 5 ds's we were all excited!! Spent ridiculous amounts of cash, reorganised bedrooms, chose a name.
Ds arrived after an awful back to back labour.
Hand on heart I was just ecstatic to have a healthy baby!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 15/09/2018 19:40

@BakedBeans47 don't worry, I gave that sperm a real good talking to on the subject.

Tigger001 · 15/09/2018 20:02

@ADastardlyThing your post made my heart sink and sad, that's how op sounds though, how sad.

I wanted a boy and went on to have one, I also knew if it were to be a girl, she would be our girl and she would be loved and cherished. We struggled a bit to conceive, I just can't understand "feeling devastated" and not being excited at simply conceiving and knowing. hopefully, that we would hold our beautiful child.
Both of you need to get with the programme, a child is a beautiful gift. I'm sure you will both fall in love instantly with your baby once he is here and hope he never finds out about this statement. Good luck and I hope you have a healthy and happy baby.

BakedBeans47 · 15/09/2018 20:07

Good stuff, snobby

PasstheStarmix · 15/09/2018 20:22

Well I would have been happy with a healthy baby boy or girl and would have been over the moon with either and so would dh. If I had the choice I would have wanted a boy and for him to be just like my dh but a girl would have been just as cool and absolutely amazing too. It was weird because when I was pregnant I just knew I was having a boy and looked at boys clothes from the outset and sure enough I had a gorgeous little boy and he is just like his daddy like I imagined. Of course one of each is the ideal for a lot of people but for a second baby I would be over the moon with a girl or another boy. A healthy baby is all that matters.

Jagblue · 15/09/2018 20:33

We'll you are in for an absolute treat. Boys are amazing. So beautiful and loving.
We've been besotted for nearly 13 years. Our son is the best and we were in love instantly.
I hope you understand that this isn't a question about boy/girl is a question of unconditional love for your child.
Very sad to think that gender would be an issue when in reality we are all people worthy of same rights.
Think about giving this boy away... I bet you couldn't.

PasstheStarmix · 15/09/2018 20:38

A baby is a blessing and I don’t understand how a girl can mean less than a boy or a boy less than a girl. Sure you can have a preference but nobody should be ‘devastated’ if it isn’t to be. Babies are individuals and a beautiful gift like a pp said. The only people who are allowed to be devastated are those who cannot have children no matter how much they would like them or people whose babies tragically don’t make it. Op tell your husband to put things into perspective and be appreciative for what he has. He needs to think of others who aren’t so lucky.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 15/09/2018 20:42

HannahB sometimes people need support, and sometimes they just need to be told to get a grip.

Flexoset · 15/09/2018 21:00

I don't understand why everyone is saying "oh it's always people who are disappointed to be having a boy."

In common with several posters on here, I wanted a boy (a 2nd boy, incidentally) and got a girl.

I was devastated after the scan and cried buckets... all the time knowing logically how lucky I was that the scan had shown a healthy baby.

In my case I think the reaction (which came as a great surprise to me) stemmed from having a very poor relationship with my own mother and having such bad associations with a mother-daughter dynamic. I was referred to a psychiatrist after talking to my GP about these feelings, and found that helped a lot. Might some kind of counselling help your DP? How is his relationship with his own father?

(I would also say that part of me thinks he needs to make an effort and support you at this difficult time, and acknowledge - at least with his rational brain - that a healthy baby is a blessing.)

Incidentally, my daughter is now the light of my life and I love her and my son equally.

Flexoset · 15/09/2018 21:03

I didn't mean that last bit to sound smug - all I mean is that there can be light at the end of the tunnel. I was dreading having a girl and she is the loveliest creature ever (well, one of the two loveliest!).

DonnaDarko · 15/09/2018 21:09

I think I want a girl because my family
Is all girls and it's what I'm used to

My family is all girls and we all love my son to bits. He's the most beautiful happy child there is, always making friends wherever we go!

LittleMG · 15/09/2018 21:32

I read a great thing about this online when I found out my baby’s gender. It said you mustn’t grieve for a child u never had and love the one u do have. Just because he is a boy it isn’t predestined to turn out a certain way he will be YOUR boy. You will come to terms with this I’m positive x congratulations on your pregnancy x

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2018 23:00

All these families which are apparently entirely made up of “girls”, how are all these baby girls being conceived? Are there no husbands, partners or fathers in the picture?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/09/2018 23:05

Think everyone can calm down about strangers having a preference on what sex they would ideally like their baby, quite obviously it doesn’t make a jot of difference once the baby is here. And for everyone saying it’s always girls that are preferred I’m pretty certain non western cultures balance that out with their keenness for boys.

sanssherif · 15/09/2018 23:07

Also knew it would be a boy.
Your partner sounds like an idiot.
I would rather be a bit gutted at a scan than when the baby was born though.
You will be fine.

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