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Original poster

Gender disappointment

167 replies

HanB7 · 14/09/2018 12:35

I know this is going to sound awful but would really appreciate other people’s opinions. I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. My partner and I weren’t trying but knew I couldn’t get pregnant. We decided to see a fertility specialist where I was told I didn’t ovulate. I was put on tablets which she said could take between a year-2years to work. Great lots of time to move and sort out any money problems. I became pregnant on the first go. I felt shocked but extremely lucky. My partner already has a 7yo Daughter and was adamant he didn’t want a boy. It never bothered me But after his constant talking of wanting a girl it made me want one. I felt like I was having a girl. Looked at nothing but girls clothes and names. So when I was told yesterday that it was a boy I felt devastated. I was sure it was a girl so being told it wasn’t felt as if someone had taking a baby from me that I didn’t even have. I felt like I had let my partner down as he told me
He was disappointed and wanted nothing to do with naming the baby buying clothes etc. I assured him
He would love it and his disappointment would soon fade which he agreed with. I felt selfish for being upset as so many people can’t have children and would do anything hing for any baby. He’s healthy and a little wriggler. I look at boys clothes and names and become instantly saddened by all the girl things i’ll Never have. I don’t know what to do with a boy and can find no names I even slightly like. I’m worried I won’t be a good mum because of how I feel even with people telling me as soon as he arrives all of those feelings will disappear which I do believe. Has anyone else gone through this and how did it feel after he/she was born? Would really appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 15/09/2018 23:19

My theory about this is that people, with the narcissistic tendencies that people have (some more strongly, some less so), tend to want a child who they think is more likely to conform to their wishes for him/her, and it's girls who are socialised into pleasing others. That would explain the fathers who want girls, along with the mothers who want mini-mes. I think boys are thought of as more challenging because there is more of an expectation (perhaps a subconscious one) that you as a parent will have to let him be himself. The whole 'noisy' and 'boisterous' stereotype has that at its root, I think.

That said, I've no time for 'gender' disappointment, so while I can try to understand I won't be cheerleading or approving.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/09/2018 08:10

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight couldn’t you argue then that anyone who wants children in narcissistic?

PasstheStarmix · 16/09/2018 08:34

OnlyFoolsnMothers I would argue that it’s selfish, narcissistic is too harsh in that instance in my opinion.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 16/09/2018 13:41

Like some on here, I really don't understand gender disappointment at all. It's different now it's possible to tell sex from a scan, but when my own dcs were born, our first concern was that they appeared healthy. Whether they were boys or girls was very much the second thought. That said, I did have disagreements with my own mum and MIL who both made it very clear they wanted me to produce a granddaughter. I told them they were lu ky to be getting any sort of grandchild from Dh and I, as we'd had a history of mc and really weren't sure we'd ever get to the point of having a baby to take home. My boys have been the source of great joy to Dh and I, as is our grandson.
OP, your husband is being nasty about this. I can see (sort of) that you've been conditioned into wanting the same as him, but how he can effectively reject this child before it's even born is beyond me.

Peachy92 · 16/09/2018 13:52

Wow that's hard. I feel the same about mine but don't know what we're having so haven't actually had that moment yet but if my dh reacted like that I'd be devastated. You know you're right and it will be different the second that bubba is born but I'm sorry for what you're dealing with now. My colleague recently had a baby was told it was a boy. Blue personalised nursery for baby Jacob and all blue and boy clothes... little Abbey who popped out loves her new blue room! They're not always right hunny. But I'd say don't hide that he's upset you because he should take responsibility for how he's acted. And realise how horrible that's been for you x

GaraMedouar · 16/09/2018 13:54

As he already has a 'Daddy's girl' maybe he might come round to see that having a boy means his daughter is not put out. She will still be his favourite little girl. I'm sure he will adore his DS. I have 2 sons and they have very different characters.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 16/09/2018 14:51

I feel sorry for all these poor boys who have disappointed their parents before they’ve even been born

Absolutely. My DH was one of these poor boys and I'm sorry to say that all this "you won't care once baby is here" stuff isn't necessarily true. It seems some parents can't get a grip and accept their child (who did not ask to be brought into the world) for their gender even once they're here. DH's parents made no secret of the fact that they were "distraught" he was a boy and I have heard MIL say it to his face on a number of occasions. Once his sister arrived and they finally got the girl they longed for (to dress in frilly dresses and buy pink things for because that's so important apparently) he was ignored completely while her every whim was indulged. This dynamic has carried on into adulthood with his DSil being treated like royalty by PIL while DH is sidelined. She gets a brand new car for her birthday while DH gets a tenner in a card the same year, they charged him rent to live at home once he finished school but not his Dsis, that sort of thing. Her children are taken out for meals, days out and on holiday by their doting GP's and our DC's are never included. He acts like he doesn't care but I know it hurts him.

ShakeVigorously · 16/09/2018 14:55

These threads are just awful.
Having lost both a boy and a girl, I can honestly say I couldn't ever imagine 'missing' one more than the other because of their anatomy 🙄 ffs!!
Perhaps your dh needs a different perspective eh.

MarshaBradyo · 16/09/2018 15:03

That is so awful Minister

I don’t know how he can keep contact it must hurt a lot, it’s good he’s got his own family know

MarshaBradyo · 16/09/2018 15:03

Now

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 16/09/2018 15:05

We went for a scan at 18 weeks and was told it looked like it was a boy. 2 weeks later we went back and we were told it was definitely a girl. I had it in my head that it was going to be a boy so I was surprised but just as delighted that it was a girl as I had been that it was a boy.

You get what your given in this world. All children are blessings and you won't even think about this disappointment when you have your baby safely in your arms.

surreygirl1987 · 16/09/2018 18:01

@Minister it works the other way round too - my friend was the much wanted daughter in a long line of boys (she was the fifth child) but oddly, after years and years of dreaming of having a girl, my friend's mum really struggled to bond with her daughter to the point that they still have an extremely strained relationship today, and my friend feels like the neglected one of the family. Sometimes what you end up with isn't what you had in mind regardless of gender.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 16/09/2018 20:24

OnlyFools, everybody is narcissistic to some extent. Having children is narcissistic to the extent that you want a mini-me (having children because you want the pleasure and enjoyment of them is arguably hedonistic, but not narcissistic). And I think there are varying degrees of that and 'gender' disappointment is part of that spectrum.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/09/2018 22:22

Having children is narcissistic to the extent that you want a mini-me yes exactly my point, hence why I don’t see the issue with people having a preference when it comes to the sex.

BigBlueBubble · 16/09/2018 22:35

It’s natural to have expectations and to feel upset when those expectations are dashed. It’s ok to grieve for the daughter you thought you were having. As long as it doesn’t prevent you loving the son you are having. You just need a bit of time to adjust your expectations. Don’t get sucked in by worrying about stereotypes. Your son is more likely to be similar to your DH who you presumably love.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 17/09/2018 12:37

Preference, fine. Preference to the extent that you are 'devastated' and 'let down' (or feel you are letting your partner down), not so.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/09/2018 12:55

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight agreed, but I dont think most parents end up devastated, I think the majority have a pang of disappointment at first being told but when the baby arrives no one cares. The odd behaviour by a set of grandparents noted above is bizarre.

BakedBeans47 · 17/09/2018 12:59

It’s ok to grieve for the daughter you thought you were having

But she didn’t have any reason to think she was having a daughter. How can you grieve something that never existed except in your own head?

She doesn’t need to “grieve” anything, she needs to give her head a wobble and her partner needs a boot up the arse.

SoyDora · 17/09/2018 13:00

It’s ok to grieve for the daughter you thought you were having

But thinking/assuming she was having a daughter was completely irrational to start with.

Yellowbooks · 17/09/2018 13:04

What a delightful pair you and your husband are

Racecardriver · 17/09/2018 13:12

I don't think that it is wrong to be disappointed at first but you do need to get over these feelings. I never wanted a daughter myself. The first time we were both sure it would be a boy. And he was do all good. The second time we thought it would bra girl and I had resigned myself to it. I was extremely relieved when the blood tests came back showing it would be a boy. We're not having any more children. If I had had a girl I'm sure I would have learned to love her for who she was (she wouldn't be getting any pink sparkly things though poor thing).

ScienceIsTruth · 17/09/2018 13:14

You mean the SEX of the baby, not gender.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 17/09/2018 13:33

It’s ok to grieve for the daughter you thought you were having

I'm sorry but I really take issue with this. All this talk of "grief" and "loss", of being "heartbroken" and "devestated"...it's not helpful. OP hasn't actually lost anything. She decided to have a baby, knowing full well there was a 50:50 chance it would be a boy and that's what she's got. Feeling disappointed because you've become fixated on pretty dresses and girls names is in no way comparable to the agony of grief and to describe the OP as "grieving" is an insult to anyone who has ever actually lost a baby.

surreygirl1987 · 17/09/2018 15:13

Actually, I disagree with the above poster. It is still loss in a way - loss of a dream, or idea of something. I certainly can't get on-board with the idea of being heartbroken over a baby boy instead of girl (or vice versa), but I think the above poster is over-sensitive to see this as an insult to herself or anyone who has lost a baby. The two things are obviously not comparable. Feelings, and a sense of loss, are perfectly valid- it's not a competition and one can't say that a person doesn't have the right to feel something just because it's not the most terrible situation imaginable. There's always someone in a worse situation than you but genuine feelings are always valid. I hope OP and her husband get past their feelings and love their little boy but some of these posts above are very harsh!

By the way - yes of course it is gender not sex. However, even many health professionals use the words interchangeably. That doesn't necessarily make it right... but surely we all know what is meant in this context!

ShakeVigorously · 17/09/2018 19:10

Oh please quit with the 'grieving" bollocks. To grieve you have to lose a baby, she has not lost a baby.
If you think this situation compares to that, there is something seriously wrong with you Angry

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