Gender disappointment

[HanB7]

I know this is going to sound awful but would really appreciate other people’s opinions. I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. My partner and I weren’t trying but knew I couldn’t get pregnant. We decided to see a fertility specialist where I was told I didn’t ovulate. I was put on tablets which she said could take between a year-2years to work. Great lots of time to move and sort out any money problems. I became pregnant on the first go. I felt shocked but extremely lucky. My partner already has a 7yo Daughter and was adamant he didn’t want a boy. It never bothered me But after his constant talking of wanting a girl it made me want one. I felt like I was having a girl. Looked at nothing but girls clothes and names. So when I was told yesterday that it was a boy I felt devastated. I was sure it was a girl so being told it wasn’t felt as if someone had taking a baby from me that I didn’t even have. I felt like I had let my partner down as he told me
He was disappointed and wanted nothing to do with naming the baby buying clothes etc. I assured him
He would love it and his disappointment would soon fade which he agreed with. I felt selfish for being upset as so many people can’t have children and would do anything hing for any baby. He’s healthy and a little wriggler. I look at boys clothes and names and become instantly saddened by all the girl things i’ll Never have. I don’t know what to do with a boy and can find no names I even slightly like. I’m worried I won’t be a good mum because of how I feel even with people telling me as soon as he arrives all of those feelings will disappear which I do believe. Has anyone else gone through this and how did it feel after he/she was born? Would really appreciate any advice.

@flex that is word for word exactly what happened with me.

I remember ex DP shouting at me in the hospital car park for it

May I ask, did you go on to have any further DC?

Dp was an unwanted boy.

His mothers own mum fell out with her over it, her words were from the day you get your precious dd that poor boy couldnt put a foot right..........theyre no contact now and hsve been for years.......he cut her off when she tried pulling the same stunts with our dc.

Tread very, very carefully. Youre extremely lucky to be carrying your precious boy at all.

Not the same situation but similar.

I was told at gender scan I was expecting a girl. I had all these plans and ideas in my head that all centred around me and my daughter. All girl clothes bought, nursery kitted put in girly things and a name picked out.
I gave birth to a boy. Shocked is an understatement! I really struggled to bond with him and had PND. I never felt that rush of love. Just complete and utter shock. All those images I had in my head of me and my perfect daughter were gone and in its place was this baby boy who I didn't know what to do with.
I totally understand how you and your partner are feeling. But at least you know now rather than at the birth and you have a beautiful healthy son coming your way :) FWIW I have an amazing relationship with my boy now, he is a handsome, loved, happy young man and he makes me so proud my heart could break ❤️

Courtney - I had no further children after that, but my DD was my second child anyway - my first was DS.

If we had wanted a 3rd a couple of years later, I would probably have gone for it, by that point loving my DD and knowing that I was capable of loving a DD and being loved by her. I can truly sympathise with your position, though, which is very different in its timing and severity.

What really helped me (apart from my GP and psychiatrist) was - bizarrely - being in a car accident in late pregnancy, after which the baby stopped moving for some days. During that time before they could do another scan, I assumed I might lose the pregnancy, and gradually came to feel more protective towards the (perhaps injured or dying) baby and feel sorry for it - feel that it wasn't the baby's fault that it was a girl. Obviously this is a weird way of thinking, but it gave me a path back towards 'normal' feelings. Without that car accident (which incidentally did not harm my DD) I think I would have had a much harder path towards recovery.

I doubt that many in China and India,with their huge imbalance of boy babies to girls, would think gender disappointment was an illness. It is a slippery slope to start indulging in sex preferences before birth and the whole thing of crying about your child's sex after their birth must be a huge thing for a child to deal with. As posters above have said, it is a terrible thing for a son to grow up knowing that his mother had been desperate for a daughter.

Good idea. Thanks for sharing your experience v brave of you x

Why is muddles a troll? Surely the point of critical thinking is to consider all sides? In a topic about gender disappointment you can’t ignore the fact that in some cultures there are issues with foetuses being aborted because they are the “wrong” sex, is that not the very extreme of gender disappointment? Or are we only allowed to talk about it if we stick to the niceties?

That's right. People with the intelligence to trot out “its not an illness" despite two posters suffering from it, and it being recognised and treated on the NHS, are valuable and insightful beings indeed.

Perhaps we could start telling those with ptsd to "stop stamping their feet" as well.

Those with the incapacity to recognise this, even when the facts are there, are as disgusting as those who told trans people that they liked to dress up for attention, that they needed to get out of that silly phase.

The behaviour, and those people, belong in the dark ages. Well in fact anywhere other than decent society.

So we can’t talk about the extremes because it might upset people? Trolls aren’t people that say things you don’t want to hear. Yes the situation in other countries is far more extreme and under very different societal pressures, but simply shouting people down and calling them disgusting is not how you make a point and be heard, it simply stops people from listening.

I had never thought of gender disappointment as a psychiatric disorder before and I am trying to find some reliable sites to find out more information about it to educate myself but it’s hard to find. And that’s from someone actively seeking to learn, so people may be more ignorant than they are about more commonly known things such as depression.

A baby will be nothing like either of you expect anyway. You will probably be besotted with the child however they turn out and find yourself adjusting to them and getting interested in their interests.

I had infertility. When I was pregnant I hoped it was a girl. When I found out it was a boy I was worried I wouldn't be able to get interested in boy stuff.

My son's second word was tractor. I can name you about ten makes of tractor now and find them mildly exciting.

It turned out he's autistic - how's that for something to adjust to? I can tell you trivia about A4 Pacific class steam engines I never thought I'd be interested in. I've got up early on a Sunday to see a steam engine.

The only reason you both feel as you do is because you have nothing but anticipation yet. It will be so different when you meet your baby. I've known a dad who didn't want a boy come full circle.

The massive issue here is that people suffering should not feel like they are ridiculed or belittled. It's a very real thing.

To have it dismissed is so very dangerous. As a society, we should not be ok with this.

With so many mental health issues, it has taken so long for the recognition and help these issues deserve. Lives have been lost because people have nowhere to turn too.

Telling someone who is suffering from gender disappointment to stop stamping their feet and being entitled, is the equivalent of telling me to get over myself if my foot is broken. Telling a person with depression to stop moping about and lighten up.

As I said previously, anyone that doesn't understand, I'm happy to explain anything they don't. It's not openly common, and it's not spoken about, and we need to change that.

Also, there needs to be a very clear distinction here.

Fear of high numbers of abortions due to finding out a babies gender in very early term, is not "extreme gender disappointment"

I see how you've made the connection. But they are very disparate things.

One is certain cultures steering towards a preferred sex, not wanting the gender before conception and way before that too in fact. It's a sentiment that has been ingrained in the culture for years and years.

Gender disappointment tends to come as a shock to the parent. They were not expecting these feelings, the thought of terminating or subsequently harming the child is not even on the radar though. Unless it's coupled with another issue I guess, but that's not what we're talking about here.

Before I had DS, many years before, I really loved the idea of a son. The reaction I had when I had my 6mth scan, and found out I was having exactly that, no one could have predicted.

That's a lot of the struggle. Not understanding where it's come from.

But most people writing these posts state “I’ve always dreamed of a little girl” and so the feelings didn’t really take them by surprise, so people are going to be a little .

As I said, I’m struggling to find genuine resources that say it’s a mental illness, and yes I could ask you but I don’t know you from Adam. I’m sure you’re lovely, but I won’t know if what you’re saying is true. Same as I may have a dachshund, but it could be a labradoodle or non-existent for all you know

Well, I fail to see why you're reading or contributing, on the basis everyone is just a potential liar?

As it happens, my life is not that sad that I'd sit on a forum making shit up about such an important issue.

The "I dreamed of" posts I don't identify with as such. To me, they are one of two things. 1) A dream, just like they say. Then the fantasy is smashed and they feel the sadness. The perfect life they had created in their mind isn't going to play out and it's down to a 50/50 choice that was out of their control. These are nearly always the posts that are followed up with, the moment I saw DC, everything changed, I loved my child instantly.
Is that a really mild and temporary form of gender disappointment? Could be. There are different severities.

Or 2) That's all they dare admit too. A sugar coated version just to get something out. And inside they are crying for help but are too petrified to let anyone know. You only have to look at the comments on this thread to see why.

I applaud you for researching. And yes, there is still very little online resource. There's more now. Ten years ago when this happened to me, an online search solely led me to forums where people suffering the same were called freaks. That they deserved their child being taken in to care where it wouldn't have to live with such a monster.

Because of that, I stayed silent for four years until I met the most incredible doctor out one night, ended up breaking down in front of him, and he changed our lives.

Thats so sad for you, Your partner needs a kick up the ass. You cant not love a baby because of the gender. I completely get gender disappointment. I wanted a boy with all 3 of mine but i had 3 girls lol. I was gutted at first but would never tell my husband that especially seeing his excitement. x

I knew it would be a baby boy before I opened the post 🙁.

In the kindest possible way - I have two boys and one was born with serious health issues. We're talking open chest surgery, sepsis the lot. We spent a month in NICU and not one parent there was thinking for a second about the gender of their child. I'm just grateful I could bring mine home with me in the end.

I think gender disappointment is created in part by our rigid gender stereotypes in society. I think anyone truly suffering with it should examine it in more detail, maybe with something like CBT.

I guarantee that if you had not been lucky enough to get pregnant first time even with fertility problems this would never even enter your head and you would just be delighted to be pregnant and praying for a healthy baby, boy or girl. Given the medical history you provide you are really lucky. Don't let your partner's attitude ruin this blessing for you. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and congratulations on your baby boy x

Personally I think that it's a bit like the difference between "having depression" and "feeling a bit depressed."

A lot of people feel a bit depressed every now and then, when something depressing has happened, and then feel better again pretty quickly when circumstances improve. That's normal and healthy. Similarly, a lot of people have some mild preference for one gender over another, but then are delighted with their baby (whichever it is) when the baby arrives.

On the other hand, some people "have depression" - they feel emotionally dark and hopeless, long term, usually without this being logical or justifiable in terms of their external situation. In fact the lack of rational justification for their feelings is one of the frightening and cruel things about it, and something which can lead to even well-meaning outsiders failing to understand it. I see this as analogous with gender disappointment as a mental health issue.

But that's just my personal opinion.

I think gender disappointment is created in part by our rigid gender stereotypes in society. I think anyone truly suffering with it should examine it in more detail, maybe with something like CBT.

If I may, this is almost spot on. But gender preference is created by rigid stereotypes. Gender disappointment, if you are truly suffering, 100% you should examine in more detail. Get help. Please.

I agree, with others who have said that this kind of disappointment is probably related to stereotypes about gender- and, in your partner’s case, probably the fact that he loves his DD, and therefore wanted another.

I haven’t experienced this, BUT as the mother of a boy, I hope that the following will be of comfort- your child is unique. Get to know them for who they are. My son is almost 2- he’s sensitive, affectionate, and obsessed with animals and cars. He also loves babies. He’s the light of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. Once they’re born, they become so much more than ‘a boy’ or ‘a girl’. If you’d had a girl, you might not have had the child you imagined anyway- my Mum was desperate for a girl and I was a definite disappointment as a complete tomboy!

Courtney, what you describe sounds almost like a form of post-partum psychosis, tbh. You - and above all your boy - absolutely needed the help, and I am glad you eventually got it. But (and I am no expert) I think what happened to you, rather than being a separate condition called 'gender disappointment' (and 'disappointment' really doesn't encapsulate the feelings you describe), would be more properly describable as a form of MH condition manifesting around your child's sex.

I don't think it's helpful to set up 'gender disappointment' as an illness, as that can only give justification and traction to people who are not suffering like you did, but essentially indulging stereotypical ideas. And of course anyone suffering MH distress needs to be helped, but it is socially unacceptable to reject a child based on their sex for good reason.

I'm only going to say it once more.

It's a separate, treatable illness. Recognised and diagnosed and treated on the NHS.

It's amazing how you can keep spelling this out for people, and they can't get it through their heads.

@tillyfloss I can see where you're coming from and why you would assume that... but actually that isn't always the case. And when it's a baby that has been hoped and prayed for for so long and worked so so hard for... it amplifies the guilt over any feelings of disappointment over the sex of the baby.