Having another child after first two children gone into long term foster care

[GemGee92]

Hi its my first time doing something like this I really would like some advice without judgement.
I have two children in long term foster care. They went 3 years ago. Im currently in a slightly better position mentally than back then and I cant stop the feeling of wanting another child. I had kids young so kids is all I know. The past 3 years have been extremely hard but my partner has been a saviour. Please could someone advise me on what to do. Im scared ill fail the assesments and mess it all up again and I cant go through with that again. Thanks

Is there no way for you to gain residency of your other two children again?

Can you tell us a bit more about why they went into foster care?

Without sounding insensitive because I'm not, if your health and situation has improved, would you not be better trying to get your current children back?

If you go on to have a baby and leave your other 2 in care they will hold that against you for the rest of their lives.

You really shouldn't try for another baby until you've got the others back with you. It's not fair on them.

I think you need advice from your social worker.

You need to work on getting your other two children back before planning to have another child. This alone should be a red flag on any assessment.

If I were you I'd focus on trying to get my existing children back rather than having another. If I were in foster care and discovered my mother had had another child but left me in care I'd be heartbroken.

Social services would look on you favourably if you were seen to be trying everything to get your children back, which would therefore increase your chances of being able to keep any more children you had.

Without knowing why your children went into foster care I can't really say much more. Focus on your existing children.

Sadly I think Gamerchick is right

Agree with everyone else you need to put your two existing children ahead here. Plus I don't mean to sound awful but if your mental health is only slightly improved as you stated, do you want to risk a pregnancy and the hormonal changes it brings. I state that as someone who had severe PND.

Great that you’re doing better.

You need to focus on your existing children. What has your social worker said about them coming back to live with you?

I'm not sure I agree with the advice about getting your children back - it may be simply too long for them after 3 years and more unsettling in the long term. It's impossible for any of us to assess this, I think the best advice is to discuss with a social worker who knows your family. It would certainly be looked upon favourably that you were taking a sensible approach to planning another child, and would also give you the information to help you make a decision as to whether to go ahead. For example if they were to say that there would be a pre-birth assessment and the outcome could be removing your baby - would you go ahead? Sorry to ask such a difficult question, Im not judging and don't know what hasn't happened to you and why you are in this situation, but a pre-birth is inevitable and so you would not know until closer to a new baby's birth what the decisions made would be. Having this discussion would also allow sw to tell you what supports could be offered if you did go ahead (for you and your kids who would be impacted by this news).

OP I really agree with other posters and don’t think another baby is the answer here. You are extremely brave and thoughtful to have even considered asking the question here, I really admire that.

Obviously you have some history of mental health issues? Are there other issues for you to contend with too? Abuse/neglect etc? Pregnancy can seem like a time of hope and care but in your shoes it is likely to be the opposite scrutiny and fear as your fate is determined by others.

Getting a lot of help to get you back on your feet, that can be psychiatry/medication, counselling, online support groups and self help reading online or library books is probably a better way to get what you want now for the longer term rather than enduring the possible pain of losing another child.

If you can demonstrate a pattern of stability and get your life into a place to help you existing children whether now or in the long term, your life will carry an awful lot of meaning in it.

Can you outline why you’re not focussing on getting your existing children back?

Sorry. My children are under and SGO so there is no plan to have them back. Obviously that saddens me and I dont ever want to think that my children feel 'replaced' and thats another factor in this. They was removed due to an ex partner physically abusing them . Obviously I didnt know but they said I wasnt fit to be a mother no longer. They was 6 and 2 at the time. Ive had great amount of mental health help and im better than ive ever been but im worries the stress of it will send me over the edge if I get it wrong.

I will echo other advice to speak to your social worker. They will be able to advise how you can work towards getting your children back, which would ideally be the best case scenario for you and them

Genuinely, and I say this with kindness, would it not be better to accept your life as it is now rather than take the risk that another child be brought into the world only to suffer?

In your shoes I wouldn't take the risk. Nor would I want to cause any further hurt to the existing children- haven't they been through enough?

Agree with above sadly

Sorry but this repulses me, you failed to protect your first two children so what on earth makes you think you could protect another? You’ll no doubt have two very confused young adults knocking your door one day, and you’ll have to provide answers. Don’t mess with any other children’s heads. You were deemed unfit for a reason.

If your children have been permanently removed with no hope of reprieve, there is no way ss would assess you as being fit to care for another child, sorry.
What did you honestly expect, when you’ve failed to protect your existing children from abuse?

I agree with the other posters.

Perhaps your mothering urges could be spent still mothering your babies? Writing letters and cards for your children. Even if you are not able to contact them (I'm sorry, I don't know why under an SGO means) can you have photos?

When they come of age and come to find you you will be able to show them your years of thinking of them, Birthday and Christmas cards. Letters about "I saw a holiday advertised today and I couldn't help but think how much I would have loved to take you to Disney" etc. Write separate letters for each child.

Write thank you letters to their foster parents for caring for them?

My sister had her two children removed by SS and even went as far as stopping me getting them. She did, however have another baby about a year later and while this child is thankfully very well looked after social work and family keep a close eye on her. I have stopped all contact with her as have our other sister and a select few friends as the new baby really is a replacement which I personally find disgusting. I know your situation is entirely different but my personal experience of this is that it's a bit of a selfish thing to do. I'm glad you are well and on the mend mentally but I can't condone having more children when you are unable to care for ones you already have. Sorry if this upsets you or anyone else x

Gem these situations are very complicated. I known if I was growing up now almost certainly my sister and I would have been taken from our parents for the reasons yours were taken. I.e. my parents were incapable of protecting us. I have massively struggled with their inadequacies on that front so I can only speak from the point of view of my own experience but I foresee you will have a lot of work to put right what has gone wrong for your existing children. I would be very surprised if they don’t come to you later in life at some stage and they will always be looking for you to fill the void of a protective parent. You can do that if you sort yourself out completely not if you break yourself more by risking losing another child.

Please I dont need bashing. Im just trying to regain whats left of my life I want to be better thats all. S.S said I would be eligible for an assesment and wouldnt be completely written off. The case was complicated and its lot for me to discuss it with people I dont know and this is why I never talk about it because this is what im scared off people brushing me off before they know the whole story. So yeah thanks for that.

I'm not trying to bash I just think it's important to also look at this from your children's POV

People hope and assume that if they have more babies they will keep them. It is never that simple.
I've worked with mothers who have had their 7th baby, immediately taken away and they genuinely don't understand why it keeps happening. Because in their mind they are older, better, say all the things that social workers want to hear (or so they think.)

Please do not get pregnant before finding out for sure whether you will get the right support and allowance to keep the baby or you are risking losing that baby possibly from the second it is born.