Having another child after first two children gone into long term foster care

[GemGee92]

Hi its my first time doing something like this I really would like some advice without judgement.
I have two children in long term foster care. They went 3 years ago. Im currently in a slightly better position mentally than back then and I cant stop the feeling of wanting another child. I had kids young so kids is all I know. The past 3 years have been extremely hard but my partner has been a saviour. Please could someone advise me on what to do. Im scared ill fail the assesments and mess it all up again and I cant go through with that again. Thanks

Hi there everyone,

Please remember that this is a sensitive topic and OP has clearly gone through some difficult times, and so posts that aren't in the spirit will be deleted.

As a PP said at least you're thinking about the what if's prior to having a baby. But if the chance is the child will be removed from you, you'd be mad to put yourself, the baby (although from what I understand babies fare better being fostered/adopted) and your children through it.

Not to be trite, but why not get a pet whilst you work on yourself. It will be something to project your maternal love onto, and maybe buy you some time to work through what you need to with your social worker and any other agencies that are involved. Agree with looking into that charity too.

there is no right / straightforward answer to this. I think you really need to dig deep and think about how this would affect your relationship with your other children, if you have any at all. Have you really come enough of a way that you are capable of looking after and protecting a baby under the scrutiny of social services which even though circumstances have changed the fact remains your older children will not be returned to you by the sounds of it. If you still are fragile in terms of your mental health, the stress of having a baby even without social services monitoring you could set you back. Social services cant tell you whether or not to have a baby as that is your decision but hopefully they will be able to advise what the plan / what their input would be if you were to fall pregnant again.

What jumps out at me about your posts is that they are all about you, and you don't seem to be giving much thought to your current or potential children.

I cant stop the feeling of wanting another child. I had kids young so kids is all I know.

That is totally understandable, but this is an opportunity to find something else in life to 'know'. The welfare of a child is more important that your feeling of wanting one because you don't know what else to do with yourself and want to fill the hole that losing your children has left you with.

Im scared ill fail the assesments and mess it all up again and I cant go through with that again.

Again - this is all about you: what about the effects on your children if you 'mess it up again'?!

im worried the stress of it will send me over the edge if I get it wrong.

This statement makes it clear that are not stable enough to gamble with another child's life. Not at the moment.

Im just trying to regain whats left of my life I want to be better thats all.

I totally understand that - it must be an incredibly hard situation to live with. Honestly, you need to focus on being better in all the other areas of your life, not by gambling on having and being allowed to keep another child. The stakes are too high. Focus on building a life that doesn't involve getting pregnant, and focus on trying to get your children back, or at least playing as active a part in their lives as you possibly can. You are still young and have time. Get yourself stable - properly stable, so that you're not wobbling around looking to bring another child into the world just to heal your pain.

Please do not have another baby to satisfy your own needs especially if your health is as precarious as you have suggested. Continue your recovery and engage with your own children they are here and what little engagement you do have with them should be your priority you must know that?

There's far too much 'holier than thou' on this thread and not enough 'there but for the grace of god go I'.

If we restrict reproductive rights to those people who can 100% guarantee they could prevent a smart determined manipulative person from covertly abusing their children then there wouldn't be a lot of kids around.

The OP did the right thing in spotting bruises and taking her children to the doctor who got them to a safe place. She isn't guilty of abuse herself. There is someone out there who deserves all this bile, who actually did abuse the children and hide his actions, but it isn't the OP.

OP - from what you write I think you have a desire for more children, but no real confidence that you are really in a significantly better place to care for them. Sometimes desires and reality don't line up as you'd hope. I would focus on your own health, your mental health in particular, and on finding out who you are, before you consider children as an option in the future.

You need to take some responsibility for your own situation. You certainly shouldn’t be allowed any more children until you can see where YOU went wrong last time.

No way.

Work on getting yourself into a position where you can have your existing children back.

The OP did the right thing in spotting bruises and taking her children to the doctor who got them to a safe place. She isn't guilty of abuse herself. There is someone out there who deserves all this bile, who actually did abuse the children and hide his actions, but it isn't the OP.

IF the OP had been able to leave the abuser and look after and protect the children, they wouldn't have been taken into long term care with VERY minimal contact. Despite what people think, SS are not child snatchers.

Fwiw despite peopl'es criticism of OP being selfish, she sounds quite young and vulnerable, and she could have thought fuck it and got pregnant but she didnt. That is a good thing, many in her position wouldnt have thought to ask. And she deserves happiness.

SS are not child snatchers WHEN: you are educated, middle class and articulate. Thats what protected me. For a young uneducated or low class mum who has been brainwashed by lokely an older sociopath boyfriend, often with a history of bad childhood themselves, they dont seem so appealing.
Of course you have a higher chance of removal in the latter circumstance, over which someone has very little control.

agree with onetime.

Far too much judgement on this thread.

she sounds quite young and vulnerable

Agree. Sounds like she needs support, and to work on her sense of self.

Education and training woudl be a better bet than another baby.

I think you should work on being able to see your existing children more than twice a year rather then bringing more children into the equation.

I would say it is very possible for you to go on and have another child that SS will allow you to keep with you. I know this from indirect personal experience - I won't write it here but you can pm me if you want.
I am not saying it is the right thing to do but it is possible. People change. You may well get a second chance.

have you talked to your mental health support? What do they feel? sorry to ask this - but did drug addiction play any part in your past mental health problems - I am asking this because if with your supportive partner you no longer use drugs this may make a difference?

OP you are likely to get better informed support and understanding under the adoption/fostering boards. Why not ask mumsnet to move your thread from the pregnancy board to adoption?

I’m an adoptive parent

Gem. I think you need to to talk to Social services assuming you are still in contact as I guess you would be at a High risk of any new baby been taken off you.
so by asking directly You know where you would stand

You need help from both your social worker and your counsellor assuming you have one. I don’t think bringing another child into the world is the answer though I can empathise completely with your heartbreak and grief. I think having another child will only cause more, not in the least to your existing children.

Education and training woudl be a better bet than another baby. yy to this.

You really need to speak to SS to see what you need to have arranged to be able to keep this baby. You don't want to go through another pregnancy only for them to take away your baby. Also, since you weren't able to keep your previous children safe, it would be better for you as well to have a good network and counselling in place to make sure that you will parent well this time. That way you have more control over the situation.

It's only been 3 years since you were deemed unfit to raise the children you have (I mean that factually not harshly). That is not a long time to be in a healthy and stable relationship and be ready to have another child.

It's complicated and you were clearly in an unhealthy relationship at the time. I'm sure that it would be possible for you to change and create a good environment for a child who you could be a great mother to but don't rush it.

Definitely talk to social services now, tell them you are starting to feel stronger and that you would like to work towards having a child in the future. Speak to them about any programmes you can take, some run parenting courses and women's aid run the freedom programme. I would also see if you can increase contact with your children, if it's positive contact that can only be good for them I would think.

No one can stop you if you decide to have another, will the father be supporting you? It's not fair for everyone if history repeat.

I have close experience of foster care situations, even in uneducated alcohol fueled, neglectful birth parents. SS do not step in lightly or anywhere near fast enough in my experience. There's definitely more to it than the OP is admitting. She does sound young and uneducated, but that just reinforces she's not in a place to risk having another baby.

Hi Gem
Firstly I think the advice to contact Pause is great and also speaking to social work about your thoughts and feelings on having another child.
Secondly, some of the replies are from people who don’t know much about foster care so try not to let the judgey comments get to you. It’s your life but also one that you want to bring a child into. A safe, secure and loving home environment is of the utmost importance. You can create that provided you have a good support system for yourself and are able to recognise and ask for help before things get out of hand.
Plenty of parents experience mental health difficulties. It’s about how you are able to manage them and not let them affect the child’s safety and care. Are there people you could call on if you were struggling? Who would they be? How would you cope if social services were to do pre birth assessments?
Remember that in pregnancy emotions can be amplified too so bare this in mind. Would you be willing to engage with extra help if you needed it again?
I think I can come at this from a different perspective as actually I was the third child born to my birth Mum who was ultimately removed from birth. This was a long time ago though, she was in a new relationship and due to previous social service involvment and her relationship/ lifestyle being chaotic she was unable to keep me.
Despite this, I don’t blame her, I have empathy for her situation. It’s not easy growing up knowing all of this but I’d still rather have been born anyway. That being said my birth Mum had opportunities to engage with help but she didn’t.
If you are prepared to do all you possibly can and seek out extra help to raise a child again then that is your decision to make.
Finally, I also have experience working with children in care and it will undoubtedly be confusing/ difficult for the other two if you did decide to have another child. Think about how you might go about explaining this to them. It’s worth considering how you and your two children would cope if it affected your relationship. Again worth discussing with Pause and social work.