Having another child after first two children gone into long term foster care

[GemGee92]

Hi its my first time doing something like this I really would like some advice without judgement.
I have two children in long term foster care. They went 3 years ago. Im currently in a slightly better position mentally than back then and I cant stop the feeling of wanting another child. I had kids young so kids is all I know. The past 3 years have been extremely hard but my partner has been a saviour. Please could someone advise me on what to do. Im scared ill fail the assesments and mess it all up again and I cant go through with that again. Thanks

I didnt know what was happening as he was doing it whilst I was caring for my mum at home. I only found out when I took my daughter to the docs with bruises then it all came out. And I see my kids twice a yr and send presents and stuff to them for birthdays n xmas

The past 3 years have been extremely hard but my partner has been a saviour

I assume this is not the same partner you were with when they were take into foster care? I really think you need to assess whether or not you can get them back living with you or if it is never going to be an option is there a chance they could be adopted? Living in foster care is like living in limbo.

Physical abuse doesn't happen by magic. If you missed major warning signs previously you could miss them again . 2 children's lives destroyed by negligence isn't something small to be taken likely and frankly the last thing you should be thinking about is having any more .

Whatever the whole story the fact remains that you brought two children into the world who cannot live with their parents and will spend their lives in care. Maybe you had little or no fault in this, but the facts remain the same. If your mental health is only slightly better I suggest you work on yourself and your relationship for now at least. I am a foster carer and it is devastating when the girls mums have baby after baby. I understand that this is not the same as your situation but from your op it doesn't sound like you are ready for a family. I am sorry and I really do mean that kindly.

I'm sorry but it sounds like an extremely bad idea. "Babies are all I know" is not sufficient reason to create another dependent life when you've been judged unable to protect and care for your existing children. And babies only stay babies for a very short time, so what then - when this one is removed from your care, another? You would obviously be doing it to fulfil your own short term emotional needs which is fair on neither the baby or your two existing children.

Focus on loving and parenting your existing children as best you can and don't take the risk of another baby.

"I only found out when I took my daughter to the docs with bruises then it all came out"

So you don't bathe her, help her get dress etc to have spotted them before?
I get that for your own sanity you are trying to explain this as you didn't know but I find it very hard to believe...

If you were blameless, didn't know about the abuse and are no longer with the abuser, why can't you get your kids back?

My answer to this would depend on what your relationship is like with your current children

I'm sorry for you Gemgee, really am, but having another child is not a good idea. Concentrate on seeing the two you already have, you may be able to see them more frequently in the future and have home visits. Parents are often given another chance in their children's lives and if you have the opportunity, grab it.

I hope your mental health problems are now under control and that life is better, calmer, for you.

When you say your partner has been a saviour, is he the same partner as before?

You say that you are in a slightly better mental position now than before. I think you need to focus on being completely mentally well and confident. If you had children very young and they are all you know, perhaps you should take your improving life as a sign that you should do the things that you weren't able to do before. Education, training, a solid career. Imagine if 5 years from now you were a nurse, an office manager or a teacher.

You might not get your children back just now, and it might not be right for you to have another child, but if you are allowed contact with your children, and to provide them with some support, it would be a wonderful thing for them to see their mother recover and build a stable, independent and strong life for herself so that should the time come, you can provide for them.

You are still quite young, is that right? Maybe early 20's? You have another 20 years of fertility ahead of you. Push back having another baby for at least 5 or 6 years.

The desire to fill the gap in your life with another baby is very natural, and something that a lot of women in your position feel, but I think you should channel your focus into your mental wellness and building a stable future for yourself through education or training.

There's way way more to this story then 'just' him hurting the kids.

I'm not asking you to explain it all, you don't need to.

But you do need to understand that you will not automatically start fresh with a new man having a new baby and just get to start all over again. It doesn't work like that.
You need to contact the relevant people to find out where you stand.

No advice from me I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you are in this situation OP and what your poor children have been through. What a heartbreaking situation for all involved. I do hope your children are happy now. Do you have any contact with your ex partner? I wouldn’t do anything without having a proper discussion with your social worker. If you were to have another then you must be absolutely sure that nothing like this would ever happen again. Those children are likely to remember what happened to them and it will affect them for the rest of their lives. I know it’s not the same but do you have any nieces or nephews you can spend time with? Under the current cafe arrangements has it been agreed that you can continue to visit your children twice a year for the long term or is the plan to phase these visits out? Whatever happens I hope you find peace and happiness in your life again

If you are not seen as suitable to have your children returned to you, then you would be flagged up and possibly lose any future children at birth, so I would tread very carefully.
You need to fight for your existing children. Not bring more into the world to satisfy your own craving

Hi OP - no judgement from me. Firstly, it is possible for someone in your situation to go on to successfully have and keep subsequent children but please, please don't just get pregnant in the hope that it will just work out.

Can I recommend you contact the charity PAUSE? It works with those who have experienced, or at risk of, the repeat removal of children from their care. I'm sure they will give you good advice and hopefully support but they only work with women who have no children at home so it's really important that you contact them before a new pregnancy.

Good luck.

Agree that you're brave to post and I mean that genuinely not sarcastically.

I'm unsure what an SGO is but is the plan to keep the children fostered long term ( and are they still together ?) or will they eventually be adopted? Sorry for all of the questions but it just seems so final and you seem to have accepted that.

I have 2 dc and I know I would fight my last breath for them and rather than exploring the option of another baby, I would be putting ALL of my energy into trying to get the other children back.

If that is not an option then I'm wondering why you think it would be ok to have another? If SS deemed you unfit to have your 2 back then it would seem bizarre that having a new baby would be ok?

I think that there is so much more to your story which you're unable/unwilling to share and if so then it may be better to either provide more information if you're able to or seek professional advice.

Very best of luck though, I wouldn't wish your situation on anyone

Partner as 'saviour' is a red flag, I'm assuming this is a different partner to the one before but you sound very dependent and impressionable. 'Babies are all you know' - again I'm not seeing anything that shows you are able to make good judgments. Your mental health is still not good, and reading between the lines there has to be a lot of denial going on about the previous physical abuse. So, no, you really really shouldn't have more kids. Please try to do the right thing and just stay as involved as you can with your existing children, keep working on yourself and don't devastate your older DCs by replacing them like that.

Agree with everyone else you need to put your two existing children ahead here.
You chose to bring them into the world - they have to be your first priority! Whether that means getting them back, visiting them etc., I don't know. But to add another baby into that mix seems very irresponsible at this point. Do you really want to risk having another child go into foster care?

Please focus on getting yourself back together on a permanent basis, while looking to see what you can do to help your existing children.

Good luck.

An SGO is a long term solution to give children a permanent stable home. For posters to suggest you should take those children back from the home they now consider permanent is cruel in my opinion.
Being taken into care and having a stable home does not cure the impact of abuse or neglect, a lot will be going on around those children to give them the best chance in life.
I think you are one step ahead of many mothers who loose children to the care system in that you are thinking about whether to have another child. Many just get pregnant because they want that replacement or other child to help with the raw grief and huge loss.
I don't want to say you should never have another child, but I do want to say in the sketch you have outlined you are down playing that your children suffered abuse, that you didn't protect them from or according to you even spot (although a GP did straight away) and that you (the non abusive parent) were unable to work with SSs to show you could and would provide a safe home for your children so that could remain or be returned to you.
How long have you been with your partner, and how different is your life now from how it was 4 years ago? If this is the same partner then just no way in hell even risk trying for another child.
What counselling have you had to come to terms with how your birth children are now being raised?
Some mothers have lost their children to adoption, and turned their lives around and had more children. But let us be honest here;
Keeping children into long term care is not a light decision made by the courts and social services. You will have had support to try and make returning them to you an option. There will be long term plans in place.
You say you were unaware of the abuse, but how can you now show that if your child was being abused by family or a stranger that you would know how to spot the signs.
What did you do to keep your children safe, and what would you do now to keep your children safe?
What is your support network like? How is it stronger than it was 4 years ago?
I am aware that the children were removed 3 years ago, but I would imagine life broke down over time.
If your answer to questions in an assessment is, kids are all I know so I want another one, you will not pass.

Have you heard of or looked into the pause project? Google it and see if they have it in your area. They work with parents who have had children removed to help change their lives and prevent further removals.
I disagree about trying to get your older children back into your care; as you’ve said it’s very unlikely and I imagine they are settled now after a very traumatic time so it’s not fair on them.
I don’t think anyone can judge you about wanting another child unless they’ve been in your situation.

I am so very sorry gee I imagine that your heart has been broken.

However, my working knowledge of social work is that the situation with your children has to be considerably more complex than you are stating. Please don’t feel the need to explain or detail to us but it would appear that you need to have a proper discussion with your social worker about what actually happened. They may have done a parenting competency assessment which would impact on their support of you keeping another baby.

Babies are all you know - I understand that. But sadly that knowledge of babies wasn’t good. It didn’t bring safety and security for them and that is what actually matters here.

Speak to your social worker openly and honestly about how you feel BEFORE getting pregnant

I am sorry but I can't understand what right you think you have to bring another innocent child into this world when you didn't protect your other two.
You need to stop thinking about your self and what you want and start thinking about those poor kids who went through so much.

My kids wete also physically abused by their dad but they didnt get removed-like you I didnt know but I left him.
Your OP talks about your partner being supportive. This is good but you need the strength and resilience to manage a child alone, in the case of DV or relationship breakdown.
You cannot rely on anyone to make sure your kuds are safe, you need to do it alone.
3 years is not long, I feel for you but I think it would be wrong to have another baby. I think as it is you will have a chance at contact even when they are 18. Having waited for them will go good for you.

How did you not know you're ex was physically abusing your children?
No i don't think you should have a baby.
I think you should put all your energy into making a better life for yourself. When your children reach 18 you can give them the stability that they missed.

I work with children who are in care, and have younger siblings with birth parents. It really is rubbish for them I have to say OP. They do feel like they are worthless. We have to do a lot of work with them to assure them they have value. It’s a heartbreaking situation for all, but for the kids left behind, it feels very much like their parents have moved on without them. As your kids are still very young could you not wait a bit longer? Do you have assurances that any future children you have won’t be taken into care? Do you have contact with your children?