Having another child after first two children gone into long term foster care

[GemGee92]

Hi its my first time doing something like this I really would like some advice without judgement.
I have two children in long term foster care. They went 3 years ago. Im currently in a slightly better position mentally than back then and I cant stop the feeling of wanting another child. I had kids young so kids is all I know. The past 3 years have been extremely hard but my partner has been a saviour. Please could someone advise me on what to do. Im scared ill fail the assesments and mess it all up again and I cant go through with that again. Thanks

I assume the partner isn't the same one or it would be very odd for her to call him a godsend.

As the abuse was nothing to do with you and assuming the abuser is out of the picture entirely, I understand why you'd want to be a Mum again. Are you able to have the social services assessment before you decide about having the baby? It might be an idea to ask them for advice first.

There's definitely more to it than the OP is admitting. She does sound young and uneducated, but that just reinforces she's not in a place to risk having another baby.

We don't know that. And being young and uneducated isn't a crime and doesn't preclude someone from being a good parent.

OP has clearly gone through some difficult times

So have the children she had already.

OP, I grew up in care. With kids like your first two, and probably your next.

Please, please stop having children.

As the abuse was nothing to do with you and assuming the abuser is out of the picture entirely
If we assume that, we need to wonder why the children's removal was permanent in the first place.
That won’t have been done without very good reason, and op herself seems to have accepted it as inevitable.

Beubg young and uneducated doesn’t preclude someone being a good parent
I hate to keep sticking the boot in, but op has had two children permanently removed for reasons she’s been (understandably, perhaps) vague about?
Young and uneducated aren’t the only things at play here??

Im currently in a slightly better position mentally than back then

You must miss your kids every day and it's good that you have worked on yourself but slightly better doesn't sound enough OP

Slightly better isn't enough. You need to be fit in every capacity - mental, physical and financial. Do you have your own home, rented or owned? Is your partner a new partner and if so, he'll need to be checked out by SS too. If it's your old partner, you'll never get through the assessment period again with him by your side. Do you work and can you support yourself and a baby?

The SS assessments start in pregnancy and there may be reason, if you're found fit, for the child to still be registered upon birth on the child protection register which means core groups and conferences and proof that you can now meet all the emotional and physical needs of your new child. It's distressing and worrying constantly needing to meet the different targets and if you're not 100% prepared, this could be your downfall.

Feel free to PM me for more information. I've been through similar situations with the SGO and another baby but without knowing more I can't advise further

I haven’t read the full thread. Just wanted to say I know someone who’s 2 both under 5 are under a SGO, and she is pregnant again, due around the new year. She has been told there is no concerns about her keeping her baby, and SS aren’t even involved in this one and unless there is problems won’t be.

You really need to speak to the social worker as each and every situation is different. Good luck and I hope you get the outcome you wish for.

This is the link to the Pause Project: www.pause.org.uk/

Please do look and see if they run in your area. If they don’t run in your area contact them and see where else you can get support. Having a baby without takes steps to make sure you can provide a safe and secure upbringing would be disastrous.

This thread is horrible.

please stop berating her for not trying to get her older children back. This almost never happens - for very good reasons. Encouraging someone to fight to get their children out of long term foster care is cruel and unrealistic.

OP unless there has been a massive change in your circumstances, including your mental health, don't risk it. If you haven't had proper therapy then don't risk it. You may be in a position to have another baby in future but you have to do a lot of work on yourself before even considering it.

I'm sorry but I've only been able to read a few replies to this...

I myself am a child of the system that was suppose to "protect" me!

Background
My mother had two previous child before meeting my father and having me and my younger sister.

My mother was in a relationship with a man who was abusive and she ended up losing both her child to the system as she choose to support her partner and was bullied into thinking it was because of her own mental health...

My father also an abusive violent monster had two previous children before meeting my mother.

He also abused previous wife and both children and again another two kids ended up in the system and mentally damaged through abuse.

My mother and family met and had two children me and my younger system... both incidents happened again which resulted in both of us going Into the system...

My older step siblings have a lot of resent against me and my sister because my mother done nothing to fight for them. But managed to then have another two children.

Also the system is hard enough for young children and I personally know what it's like, having another children will in no way benefit yourself or a child.
Do you want to run the risk of losing another?

Do you understand how upsetting it is to know you mums living a life whilst you are having to attend SW meetings struggling in school etc because you feel like you can't join in when there's conversations about family holidays and mums and dads?

I think even considering wanting another child after the hurt you have already caused two child is a selfish act and not one I will be here to support

NynaeveSedai

I agree with your second paragraph but your first paragraph assumes her children will never be back in her life again.

It is very possible that her children will be in her future at some stage if they want to be and if she wants them to be. She could prepare for that eventuality. For the older child it is 10 years off, not a lifetime. If she is able to be a parent to her older children even at that stage of their lives something can come out of the time between.

Being in her life isn't the same thing as fighting to get them back. Pp were not talking about having a relationship with them as adults.

Even as an adult you are still think about how terrible your child hood was.

If her children choose to believe she didn't know what was happening then that's up to them but I can assure damage has been done.

And and mental damage is not easily forgiven. It's silly to run the risk of damaging yet another innocent child

So much of the problem lies with the system too and bad experiences in care. The care system is not fit for purpose. Having been through it myself and reading some of my care files I don’t place all the blame with my birth parents.
People deserve second chances. The OP needs to ensure she has the right support in place and is really able to offer a child a secure, loving home.

That’s frankly unbelievable, BlueSky. Some people hear what they want to hear, though, so here’s hoping there are no nasty surprises ahead?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar APPARENTLY it is true. I am close to the family. It was issues with the parents relationship. But a few years on, and with a new partner, stable job etc she has grown up.

But believe me when I say, I was the first that said ‘no way can that be happening’ and even her family contacted SS presuming she had either misunderstood or was lying. But they were told no concerns🤷🏻‍♀️

That's really unbelievable. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but usually even if drastic changes have been made SS need to prove the risk has diminished considerably which means registration at the point of birth on the child protection register and targets to meet to ensure quality of life is sustained for the baby. That may come in the form of emotional support from a family Support team as well as general health targets and so on from the midwives, health visitors and any other professional engagement. Deregistration usually happens 3-6 months (one or two conferences) down the line where progress has been consistently maintained. On the offset there's no proof that your friend or OP can handle a baby again but it can be proven, unless there was a singular issue (very rare) like an abusive partner who is now gone but the reality remains that the person could choose a new partner with similar patterns of behaviour so they need to be kept an eye on and vetted.

It is not impossible to get children back from an SGO but it is incredibly difficult and the odds are not in the parents favour. There've only been a handful of cases and the one that stands out to me is that the mother had been caring for her baby without SS intervention well alongside significant change. Is this what you want to do, OP? Have another child and try to get yours back?

OP can you elaborate on why the children were taken into care? Your ex partner abused them, but why where you deemed to not be able to look after them?

What are you doing to maintain contact ugh your existing kids?

OP I would second those who say talk to Pause and move this thread to the adoption boards.

My son is five of five children to be removed from his birth mum. The eldest two were removed and she was then allowed to keep the third with some initial support. She clearly wasn't ready or in a relationship with someone who was as supportive and good as she thought. Child number three ended up being harmed and then removed after a couple of years. She then had children four and five who were removed at birth. So whereas it is not the case you will never be allowed to raise a future child, it is the case that if you do not give it enough time and enough perspective where you can really, truly keep a child safe and put his or her needs first then it may well turn out badly. For the child and also for you.

You might think you are ready but you could probably benefit from some more support and time because, very gently, I agree with the posters who have picked up on the fact this seems to all be about you or your feelings. I haven't seen anything in your posts to suggest you really understand the impact this will have had on your children and could have on a future child. Why put you or them through more pain?

Some people go on to have children who remain with their birth parents as circumstances for the parents have changed enough. However, there are some cases when future children are also removed. Nobody on here is able to say which one the OP will be.

OP, I agree with some of the more sensible ones on here. You would benefit from support from the right people and to get advice from Pause and the adoption board here. As a mother and human, my heart goes out to you and those 2 children of yours.

SS need to prove the risk has diminished considerably which means registration at the point of birth on the child protection register and targets to meet to ensure quality of life is sustained for the baby

Why are you writing this as if there is a standard procedure? Every case is different.

Special Guardianship Orders are not given out lightly. It’s good that you still have some contact to send cards etc and I hope you are making the most of this.

I agree about contacting Pause and speaking to SS to see what their current assessment of you and your situation is. I would imagine that only slightly better mentally won’t be enough. I also agree that you would do much better for now trying to increase the level of contact with your children rather than having a baby.

I don't know how it all works but wouldn't another child be taken from the OP as well?

OP: good luck

I had my first child at 16 and my next at 18. Being a young mother is NO excuse for having your children fostered long term FFS. There is NO excuse for not protecting your children from a parter who abused them. Social Work do not take children on a whim. I await all the stores of "they took my children to meet targets" 🙄 Frankly I don't care how supportive your new partner is, any subsequent children you have should be under Child Protection IMO. Fuck sake OP have a look at yourself - children and not removed for no reason and you will know why your other children were removed in the first place.