Having another child after first two children gone into long term foster care

[GemGee92]

Hi its my first time doing something like this I really would like some advice without judgement.
I have two children in long term foster care. They went 3 years ago. Im currently in a slightly better position mentally than back then and I cant stop the feeling of wanting another child. I had kids young so kids is all I know. The past 3 years have been extremely hard but my partner has been a saviour. Please could someone advise me on what to do. Im scared ill fail the assesments and mess it all up again and I cant go through with that again. Thanks

@RossPoldarksFloozie I 100% agree with you no child is taken away for any old reason & no mother would not know their child isn't being abused

You know you wouldn't be able to retrieve your two children based on what occoured. You know it's highly unlikely you would be able to retain a new born based on your past history. I'm sorry but being young doesn't cut it. You participated in your children's abuse if it was on going vs a one of event whilst you weren't present. You maybe older but no one is going to give you that second chance and you shouldn't take it... 'I left my dog to starve to death, but it was 5yrs ago'... You need to own your own input in your current outcome unfortunately.

had my first child at 16 and my next at 18. Being a young mother is NO excuse for having your children fostered long term FFS.
Exactly, everyone is saying Op sounds young and uneducated. But there are plenty of young and uneducated girls/women that are fantastic mothers.
Sorry to sound harsh OP but there is obviously a very good reason why you won't get your existing children back, so please don't contemplate having anymore. Concentrate on getting yourself better.

As someone who works with women having children removed etc. your previous children were not removed ONLY due to your partners physical abuse. If this was the only concern then they would have asked you to leave your partner. If you refused then you were not putting your children first hence removal. You need to really look hard and think wether ALL issues have been resolved as 3 years isn’t a very long time.

Firstly a SGO is a permanent home, there's no SW meetings etc for the child after the first year as the SGO carers have PR. The child is a part of the family and in 99% of cases the SGO carers is someone related to, or close to the family of the child.
So those talks of holidays etc would include the child.
I have 3 friends who are SGO carers, 2 are biological aunties to the children they care for. They have all been part of the child's life since before the order.
For a child who has established an attachment to someone, knows them as their parental figure, knows the older children as their siblings, being returned to the birth mother is not necessarily what would be best for the child.

Secondly, one of the biological mothers did have another baby around 2 to 3 years after the first one. She had to go through a parenting assessment which included staying in a monitored mother and baby unit. The SGO SW arranged a few contacts for the new baby to meet their sibling, and encouraged the families to take pictures of them together etc.

The mother failed the assessment as although they felt she cared for the new baby well, it was still a concern that she had the previous child taken away and the issues (psychological, risk awareness) may not be fully resolved in the time frame since the last order.

OP - I'm very sorry you have had such a sad situation and glad you are improving. As a PP said there is a charity called PAUSE and I saw an amazing TV programme about it - maybe you could search for it on YouTube? You may have the chance to be a mum again in the future but you may be happier concentrating on improving your mental health for a few years.

I know of someone who lost custody of their child for quite serious reasons (and they had repeatedly told her it was permanent) only to turn it all around and get the child back, your focus should be on that I think.

Also any child you have will automatically be on the At Risk register and would probably attract SS attention during pregnancy

I do feel sorry for you, but it would be remiss/irresponsible of any poster to encourage you or tell you this is a good idea which will prove problem free because it’s not and it won’t be

Very good advice from incywincybitofa, and TatterdemalionAspie.

Especially "this is an opportunity to find something else in life to 'know'. The welfare of a child is more important that your feeling of wanting one because you don't know what else to do with yourself and want to fill the hole that losing your children has left you with."

I am mum to a little boy we adopted aged 3 (he is 8 now). One day he will have the chance to meet his birth mum and dad and I will encourage him to do so, if he wishes.

I know you see your children twice a year, and I am not going to encourage you to 'get your kids back', unless it was 100% the right thing for them. However, it may be possible/appropriate for you to try and see them more often if this would be good for them.

What has happened in your life is truly heartbreaking for your children and for you, but I really think you need to delay any decisions to have further children. You have said you are young, you know you are fertile. So really there is little risk in waiting, but there is massive risk in rushing in.

Your health, you have said health issues, which children or a baby could make worse.

"Im currently in a slightly better position mentally than back then..." Only slightly better than when your children were removed is really not good enough for what you want to do but maybe one day you will be much better and will be able to do this.

I would really suggest you explore PAUSE and please be aware the poem on the first page is very poignant and sad, and may make you cry, it brought a tear to my eyes.

www.pause.org.uk/aboutpause

Please, please, keep talking and thinking, I hope you will get the future you desire. Many women lose their children in circumstances similar to yours and I am not judging you at all.

I'd like to see the OP come back and tell us how she's getting on with these replies.

I'm sure you would @SharpLily, out of interest but this is an intensely personal part of her life and I imagine she won't be back given the confrontational nature of some of the posts. Sadly these pages are often not a safe space for people to explore what they are feeling without judgement, and I always feel nervous for people who seem vulnerable posting big questions like this here. Berating people never leads to them being able to take on advice in my experience. It doesn't mean we don't offer advice and opinions but some people on mumsnet just seem devoid of kindness or basic respect in conversation online.

The very last thing you should do, OP.

I would say most of the replies have been pretty well measured, actually. I think there's very little berating and confrontation given the nature of the subject. I'm a little worried though that the OP has asked for advice but has not heard the answers she wanted and will probably go and do whatever she wants. That's up to her but there have been some very compassionate responders here and I'd like to think some of their well reasoned points have sunk in.

They was removed due to an ex partner physically abusing them . Obviously I didnt know but they said I wasnt fit to be a mother no longer

You are really playing down this situation and your responsibility for it. For me, that is the greatest concern about what you are contemplating doing. You have not taken responsibility for your part in losing your existing children. That will be a serious concern for any future assessment.

Just b/c you badly want another child is not a good reason to have one.

They said I wasn’t fit to be a mother no longer
So there are reasons relating to you personally that raises concern about your ability to parent, independently of whatever your (ex?) partner had done...
I don’t think all the bleeding hearts should be telling you to go for it, you deserve a second chance when there’s obviously a huge back story that you either haven’t disclosed here, or, more worryingly, you still don’t quite understand yourself.
I wish you all the best in getting your life back together, but you really aren’t in a place to be responsible for someone else.

Lots of people get huge disappointments in life, things they want that don't get to happen. Folk survive. You can move past this.

The lack of insight into what went wrong is concerning. I understand not wanting to go into detail with strangers on the internet but you need to be willing to go there with an appropriate support worker.

I agree with the other posters saying your minimising your involvement. You need to be acutely aware of where you went wrong and to have changed it and actively seek further growth and development in order to satisfy future parenting assessments. If it's as simple as you getting rid of your ex, great but you need to be very mindful of mistakes made in the past and accept them. They're made. Now it's time to become better.

Nobody can tell you not to have another child but just because you want one isn't a good enough reason to bring a life into this world that you may not be found fit to care for.

Get lost ross.
I didnt know mine were. They were very quiet and withdrawn, but i dodnt know he was hurting them. Reported your vile post.

How could you not know?

Because they were too scared to tell me, because it was only ever when I was at work. They used to cry as i left but i thought it was just me having a new job.
They were too old to be bathing them so i didnt see the signs.
He had always abused me, but i thought that it was only me, there had never on his side been any noticqble behaviour from the children. In front of people he was a doting father.
It was disclosed at school, separately, by 2 children. The school took details and held their dad as he picked them up. As he was being interrogated, they called me separately and my story matched the kids.
From then I left and he was allowed no contact. I was newly pregnant, which was when the abuse towards me ramped up and started to be directed to the children.
So no i didnt know, social services are not concerned neither are the schools or any other services.
Abuse is a dark quiet thing. Only once they knew he wasnt coming back did the full story emerge, as they took so long to feel safe.
It was horrific.

Sorry, onetime
Your story differs greatly from the op's, though, in that no agency doubts your ability to parent your children or keep them safe and none have any concerns.
For op to be deemed an unfit mother there really has to be more to it than her partner being abusive and her not knowing.

He had always abused me,, but i thought that it was only me, this right here is what a lot of women in particular overlook. Even if he never laid a hand on them, which is very unlikely, the impact of domestic violence is that it harms babies and children.
That is what CP teams want mothers to understand. DV harms children whether they are assaulted or not, and where there are no boundaries in one area, there are often no boundaries for a perpetrator in other areas.