Anyone out there who thinks they DON'T want to breastfeed....?

[ballanj]

Clue is in the thread title really!

I'm interested to learn of any expecting mums (old hands and first timers) who were very much of the view that they didn't want to breastfeed, for whatever reasons.

I'm just under 12 weeks, so some way off for me and I may feel differently about it as the months progress, but right now I'm very much thinking 'no'. I know a lot of mums say 'breast is best' but for some reason, no idea as to why, it just doesn't appeal to me as being the option I'd choose. Does this make me a terrible person?! Maybe it's because I don't want to feel like a milking cow and being on demand and wanting my partner and other family members to share in the feeding. Are there any other mums that just express in order to bottle feed? I'd be really interested to know what everyone else really thinks. And please, no judgment or 'this way is the right way' as everyone is different and I'm still trying to find my own way on this and gauge what I really feel! Thanks x

Feel free to look at me whilst I'm FF my baby in public, I don't care!

I'll just look back and think of how fucking pathetic you are!

Throughout my pregnancy I generally thought I would give breastfeeding a go and see how it went. Towards the end as I learned more about it and how many hours a week is spent breastfeeding (an option I didn't fancy as I'm at uni and also it takes 2 to tango so wanted my partner to take his share) and actually reading nonbiased research on the effects (no large study has conclusively proved any health benefits past age 5 for mothers who breastfeed) I was put off and gave her a bottle within 45 minutes of her being born as she was 3 weeks early and tiny and I knew if we faffed around waiting for my milk to come in she could have ended up in NICU as she was 0.2 percentile at birth already. Skip the guilt trip, fed is best.

Having just been on the what is a newborn like thread I have come back pissed off. This is a feminist issue. Formula feeding gives women the freedom to work and take care of non baby related things. It also gives men the chance to take on more childrearing duties.

I wanted to ff from day one. All three of my babies were ff as were the majority of babies in the anti natal ward I was in in early 1990's. Thank fuck they were born in a time when midwives were happy to help. I have nothing but wonderful positive memories of all my newborn babies - sleepless nights just didn't happen.
Why do women put themselves through shit just because ... Today my girls are all lovely, intelligent, beautiful people. Just like me who was also ff 😁 I feel very sad for women giving birth today. Not only do they have to fight off the barrage of the bf brigade they have to endure random men/strangers sleeping in wards next to them.

*post

@namechangednow oh fuck off. It is not a feminist issue you idiot. I breastfed my first and currently brestfeeding my second. I love every second of it. Breastfeeding feels so natural to me. If I have a third baby I would like to breastfeed again. Does this make me anti feminism? I come from a family of strong women. I never took on my husbands name when I got married. I believe women should have the same rights and opportunities as men. There are other ways for fathers to get involved, i.e changing nappies, doing bathtime. Please get a grip

I love breastfeeding. I haven't had any issues whatsoever. Not everyone has a bad experience breastfeeding but it may not be for everyone and that is fine too. But personally for me I never wanted to give my children formula and that is my right as a mother

@pornstarlips

Without meaning to speak for her, I expect @namechangednow meant that women’s right to choose to breastfeed or not is a feminist issue, rather than it being the feminist choice to formula feed or anti feminist to breastfeed.

I'm currently BFing my 12 week old (which I now love) but it was very hard work in the beginning.

Whilst I love BFing I HATE expressing; to me it seems like the worst of both worlds as you have the discomfort/annoyance/time consumption of having to pump but also the faff of preparing bottles.

If I hadn't been able to BF (because I wanted to) I would definitively have FF. As some pp have said, be open to seeing what happens but personally I would recommend FF if you are wanting to bottle feed and share the load.

Caspiana correct.

namechangednow I think it’s a feminist issue for completely different reasons. Women not getting access to the best breastfeeding care and advice and being told on a mass scale that their body’s aren’t up the the job (formula marketing).

@NameChangedNow sorry but that's ridiculous for so many reasons. Feminism is about equality, not about pretending men and women are the same.

Ffs ff "gives men the chance to take on more child-rearing duties" - feeding isn't the only thing you do for your child and men can do everything else. I've just had a baby and my DH baths him, plays with him, winds him, sings to him, settles him to sleep, changes him, sorts out his clothes. He also cooks, cleans and does laundry while I'm feeding. If I want to do any "non baby related things" I can do while DH is doing the above.

Also how many women do you know who go back to work straight away? Even if you only feed your baby for a couple of weeks after birth that benefits them. I have a good career and will be returning to it - bf won't have interfered in the slightest.

I absolutely did not want to and never did. I never cared what anyone thought either. It's so personal and for me it was a no. I was more scared of being made to do it after birth than if the birth itself but had an amazing mid wife who said it was my choice and so I didn't have to. Do whatever is right for you. Good luck

Formula is not a feminist issue because it gives women freedom or whatever, it is one because in this faster-moving day and age, women should not be pressurised into doing something they don't want as there are safe alternatives.

That's what we say about terminations anyway.

And incidentally I started work again slowly at 2 weeks. I was bored. So yes there are women who do this. That didn't have anything to do with my choice though.

'namechangednow I think it’s a feminist issue for completely different reasons. Women not getting access to the best breastfeeding care and advice and being told on a mass scale that their body’s aren’t up the the job (formula marketing).'

This, absolutely this. There's also the other side of ff being less tying to the baby for the mother - mums being pressurised by overbearing relatives into ff so 'everyone can have a turn' at feeding (and the mum can run around looking after everyone as she did before the birth), husbands and partners pressuring the woman to stop bf so she's more sexually available and because her breasts are 'his' (and so she doesn't get to sit down so much and can get on with the housework), the general disempowerment that comes (correction: can come) with the mother being denied that early stage of being able to occupy herself only with the baby. It's very, very often the case that bf is extremely tough in the early weeks and much easier and more convenient than ff thereafter (my first dc was a textbook case of this). Why shouldn't the mother be looked after completely (if feasible) for that first difficult phase so she gets to reap the benefits of not faffing with formula etc (and, in cases where it's his/her money and she's expected to pay for all the baby stuff, have more money for herself) after that?

@AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight

100% what you said

I find it interesting how this thread is totally out of control and really does not have anything to do with the original posting which was quite a valid one and could have created a supportive environment for women who want to formula feed to share advice. The same as there can and should be threads to help women to help with breastfeeding. It seems to have been taken over by women who are quite passionate about their individual stances on feeding and I am not sure why it should escalate in such a fashion. There is another thread just posted a couple of days after this one which asked about breastfeeding and when to introduce bottles. I can not find one post in that thread where formula feeding mothers are trying to convince the poster that she should only formula feed the child...
Whereas some of the posts on here are a bit concerning. If one tells a mother that they don't understand why they have tried to do the best for their child for 9 months but then want to formula feed the baby...
This is quite something to throw out there.
My opinion is that people should make informed decisions. Breastfeeding and formula feeding studies are widely available to read on the internet and you should form your own opinion and not listen so much to specific slogans spread in media and which are often created just to cause a stir. Even if women just want to formula feed because of reasons which might sound totally alien to you eg because they want dad to do night feeds, who are you to judge them. There are by far more concerning parenting issues which would warrant such a heated discussion.
Women should support other women in making choices which are right for them and of course you can voice your opinions and experiences to help them make those decisions but some of the posts on this thread are contraproductive in order to establish a helpful/informative discussion.

I think the feminist issue is

1. women who want to bf not getting good support

2. bad information about both feeding types

3. each side trying to force individual women into doing something they aren't comfortable with

It isn't feminist to insult women who ff. It isn't feminist to insult women who bf

Totally agree @sunandsea1 and @blairwaldorfs headband.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight I was desperate for someone else to be able to take DS for a few hours, but with breastfeeding it was impossible. It was the main contributor to my PND.

Sandstorm - I'm sorry you went through that. The catalyst to another woman's PND might be her overbearing MIL making constant comments about the baby being 'hungry' and her not having 'enough milk' and pressurising her, backed by her dh, to 'give him a bottle' and 'let me have a turn'. And another might be being told by family and friends to 'just give up', 'you're making a rod for your back' and 'you need to let other people have time with the baby', although she really wants to bf. Or her HV putting on (unnecessary) pressure about centiles and topping up. I mean no disrespect to your experience by suggesting that everyone is different and that a lack of support to bf can leave a woman feeling just as trapped and desperate. I had some people saying that when I was struggling to overcome breast refusal with ds1, and it was incredibly upsetting and undermining. To a degree, I was made to feel my desire to bf didn't matter and I was being an inconvenience. I was lucky and bloody-minded enough to stick it out and ended up very, very glad I did. I'm pretty certain that it would have been full-blown PND for me had I given in to the pressure.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight thing is, I know far more people with PND where they attribute it to breastfeeding or people like you and redteapot judging them for stopping than I do people who wanted to feed but were pressurized by friends and family not too. In fact, I don't know a single person whose family to friends didn't want them to breastfeed. And we've talked about such issues extensively.

It was because of the attitudes of some of the people on this thread that I stuck with breastfeeding, instead of stopping. Which is a decision I truly regret. It didn't get easier or better. It got worse, so much worse. I HATED ds, and I mean truly, genuinely hated him for being so dependent on me. I did not enjoy my maternity leave, I was desperate to leave, get out, get away from DS. But because I breastfed I couldn't. I had wonderfully supportive DH and friends and family, but none of them could help, because DS only needed me.

Sandstorm, can you point out to me where exactly in my posts I have judged someone for not bf or for stopping bf?

Sandstorm and me - I’ve never once said I would ever judge anyone for stopping. It’s the lack of not trying at all - not even giving it a go for one day that I judge

What is your threshold for a good enough reason to stop bf and start ff such that you wouldn’t judge someone for it?

When you judge people for not trying to bf you must surely realise this carries a very clear implication about your views on FF, and makes women who haven’t successfully breastfed feel like they have failed their child.