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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

358 replies

TryingToThinkPositively · 31/07/2018 05:49

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/08/2018 17:17

Aw, shit, he’t 10 years older than you. He doesn’t even have the excuse of being young. And you had an abortion when you were 14. Sad

Is your mum around? Grandma? Aunt? Big sister?

Original poster
TryingToThinkPositively · 02/08/2018 17:19

I wasn't 14, I'd just turned 18!

I do have family around, but I'm wary of telling them that OH has got me pregnant but doesn't want the baby. I don't think it will go down too well

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/08/2018 17:23

But you said it happened 8 years ago and you are now 24.......

Original poster
TryingToThinkPositively · 02/08/2018 17:27

I'm almost 25, I thought I put 7 years, my bad!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/08/2018 17:29

“I do have family around, but I'm wary of telling them that OH has got me pregnant but doesn't want the baby. I don't think it will go down too well”

So your family don’t like him?

Hjkillas · 02/08/2018 17:48

What are you going to say to your doctor tomorrow?
I'm sure all he will want to know is, are you wanting a termination or not? If you're unsure then surely they won't?
Unless he books you the appointment and you have until then to decide. If you're early it's just tablets isn't it?
So this would be a fairly quick process, i think you're going to run out of time and have to jump at a decision then feel awful either way..

You need to sit your OH down and say we are not leaving this until it's been fully discussed.. no burying one's head on the sand here. Your appointment is tomorrow you need to speak to him asap.

I really hope you can talk it out otherwise it looks like you're taking the brunt of this alone.
I wish you all the best no matter what the decision is, but atleast if you decide together you can support each other. Otherwise I feel you'll just hate him if you have a termination without fully talking it through

xJune88 · 02/08/2018 17:51

There's currently a thread about someone who went through with it and took the tablets when they didn't want to and now are suicidal. This is a massive decision do not do anything you do not want to do or arnt sure about. Take care of yourself xx

Oct18mummy · 02/08/2018 17:59

He is as involved as you in this situation - it shouldn’t be a surprise to him, he took same risks as you and you shouldn’t be scared to tell him. Good luck

Original poster
TryingToThinkPositively · 02/08/2018 18:54

I imagine it will be a pill yeah, I'm hoping it will be anyway. My last one was a surgical abortion and it just felt horrendous. The whole experience was heartbreaking from start to finish.

I sent OH a message when he was out earlier after he'd hung up on me basically outlining the fact that I feel like he hasn't given me any support or reassurance so far and he needs to take ownership of his share of the blame. I said that storming out, getting angry at me etc aren't the actions of somebody who gives a damn. He read it, didn't reply and we've not spoken since he got home

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 02/08/2018 18:58

I guess you’re not having one tomorrow then. I can’t particularly see why you should care if he’s angry at this point- he is being actively horrible and useless. I’m sure you are wondering about the relationship anyway given this so basing your decision on all possibilities.

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2018 18:59

Can you go to your mum’s with the children?

Hjkillas · 02/08/2018 19:12

He's really not handling this very maturely 🙄

jpclarke · 02/08/2018 19:27

I really don't think you should be going through with an abortion you will be doing it to keep somebody else happy and you have to think about you and your two children. I think you should be telling OH you will not be entertaining the idea anymore.

trevthecat · 02/08/2018 19:34

I really think you should cancel your doc appointment and give your self more time to think things through. Don't go through this so quickly. You have already said how you will feel after so give yourself a bit more time. I had 3 under 4, on my own. It was hell! But it was great and they are so close and yes they argue and it's been hard but I wouldn't change it. It was hard financially on my own but I managed. As you would if you went on your own. Please though, take some time. Don't rush such a huge decision

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2018 19:37

Don't cancel the doctor's appointment. You will not be given the pills then and there- you doctor can talk you through the process and you will be able to move quickly if you decide to go down the abortion route-you don't want to have to start making initial appointments again.

Original poster
TryingToThinkPositively · 02/08/2018 20:01

He's just not handling it at all.
Ive just tried speaking to him once more, and all he did was keep his eyes firmly on the tv, not saying a word while I sat there crying and telling him the way he treats me isn't fair.
I finally plucked up the courage to tell him that there's something wrong with him. My step brother is autistic with a bunch of other problems so my step mum knows how to spot the signs, and she told me years ago that she think OH might be on the spectrum.
He doesn't deal with confrontations, or emotions, or talks about anything serious. He's very intelligent but doesn't know how to handle things. He shuts down, pretends it isn't happening, blocks me out and winds up making me feel like an idiot for having human emotions. He never apologises until he pushes me to absolute breaking point, and even then, I don't think he means his apologies.
I feel like this is all too much for me to deal with right now.

OP posts:
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 02/08/2018 20:02

My best friend went through this EXACT situation a few years ago (except they were married). Her 'D'H said he would leave her if she kept the baby (scenario was that HE chose not to use a condom). She was a total mess, didn't want an abortion but couldn't see any other option as she was terrified of what it would mean for her older two children to break up the family (even though she recognised that the marriage would effectively be over if she went through with the abortion anyway).

She got as far as her appt at the abortion clinic where they basically refused to entertain her as she was utterly hysterical crying and couldn't go through with it.

She told her H that she physically could not bring herself to abort and resigned herself to being a single parent of three.

He had a wobble, eventually getting over it. I don't know how much it has damaged their relationship (I struggle to forgive what he put her through tbh). They are now a family of five and he's as hands-on a dad as he was with the older two.

I told her at the time that having an abortion she didn't want would fundamentally change her forever and the way she felt about her H.

Slow down and think of all possible outcomes.

lapenguin · 02/08/2018 22:32

He needs to stand up and support you
It's a shit situation and him acting like a child to get his way isn't fair.
The very least he could do is show you how much he appreciates you even just seeing the doctor, let alone if you go through with it.
The way he's acting, this relationship won't last regardless of what you do so you should do whatever is good for you and your kids.

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2018 23:00

He's 30 fucking 5. 11 years older than the op and behaving like a 5 year old.

Bobbiepin · 02/08/2018 23:27

By the sounds of things you have 3 kids already. Go to the appointment, you obviously don't want to terminate so get refused then go home and consider the future of your relationship.

Original poster
TryingToThinkPositively · 03/08/2018 06:29

Well. It's three hours until the appointment.
I'll keep

OP posts:
Original poster
TryingToThinkPositively · 03/08/2018 06:30

Posted too soon!

I'll keep you updated with how it goes. Thank you all for your messages of support so far, in hard times like this, I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 03/08/2018 09:04

OH has got me pregnant

I am not unsympathetic to your situation at all OP, but having read the thread I do see a pattern of you not taking responsibility for your own behaviour and choices and this phrase is a good example. He didn't 'get you pregnant'. Both of you were having consensual sex, fully aware that neither of you were using contraception and you have said yourself you wanted another child at some point. You got yourself pregnant just as much as he did. Take ownership of your own life choices.

Similarly, you've already said you're going to make his life hell if he 'makes' you have an abortion. Everyone on here has said you don't have to have one if you don't want to. If you do have one, try to recognise that this is a choice you have made after considering all the implications. Don't put everything on your OH's shoulders no matter how badly you feel he has behaved. You need to take control of your own life.

slovenlys · 03/08/2018 09:38

What TwitterQueen said, 100%.

You knew he didn't want another and presumably knew how he would react yet because u wanted another child it was fine for him to cum inside you. You could have protected yourself from this... no contraception is NOT all the man's responsibility. You now have to deal with the consequences of being pregnant. What did you think would happen? That he would have a miraculous change of heart? I'm sorry Op but neither of you have been sensible and now look at the awful, sad situation you're in!

I really hope the appointment goes some way to help you decide what to do. Do not be coerced into having an abortion that you don't want but do prepare yourself to be a lone mum of three.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 03/08/2018 09:45

I agree with TwitterQueen. Whatever choice you make for yourself around this pregnancy, I think you would benefit from thinking about the way you have framed a lot of things in this thread as though they just inevitably happen to you and you're the helpless victim, and working to change that.

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