Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

[TryingToThinkPositively]

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

As you weren't using contraception it won't be a huge surprise to him surely.
You're both in the same situation, it will be hard for both of you, its not like you forgot a pill etc so he can't blame you.

There's a huge change between a 20 month old and a 2 and a half year old. Your oldest will likely be talking, listening a reasonable amount and a bit more independent by the time the baby arrives, possibly potty trained too.

I could understand him wanting to avoid phoning the doctor if the vasectomy was my idea, if it was something I was forcing him in to. But it's entirely on him, he's the one that wants it.
Stupidly, he almost does seem surprised that this has happened again. For an intelligent man with a career in science, you'd think he'd understand how biology works...

I know there's no way he'll come round, and I really don't think I'll be able to cope with three on my own. So it does seem like abortion is my only option. If it messes me up afterwards, both him and myself will need to do everything we can to 1) look after me and make things as easy and gentle as possible in those first few painful months and 2) ensure it doesn't happen again.

Something I have seen a lot on here : The person who doesn't want kids, their wishes trump those of the person that does.

Yes he should've taken responsibility, but given that you knew how strongly he felt about having more, so should you. It seems like you put your own wants above his.

The way you write about your relationship and set up at home really doesn't lend itself well to adding another child into the equation.

You also said that you had PND following both births but that if you have an abortion, it would tip you back into depression. Surely it's likely that you're going to get PND again if you go through with the pregnancy, have you considered that?

I think all things considered I have to agree with your partner, it's really not a sensible idea to bring another baby into this.

Having said that, I think you're going to suffer badly whichever route you take. I'm sorry to be blunt but I cannot say 'oh just keep the baby, it'll all work out fine' when there's a very high chance it won't.

This 'well he ejaculated into you so his fault' stuff is silly and this is the second unplanned pregnancy out of three. Sorry to be vulgar but it's not like he was randomly ejaculating and her legs happened to be akimbo. FGS. BOTH need to take responsibility here. Yes he shouldn't need reminding but BOTH of you carrying on was very foolish (yours words). Head over heart. Life can be shit and we all need to make shit decisions sometimes.

If you think going ahead with the abortion is your best bet , do you actually want him to have the vasectomy ? Or do you still want another child in a few years? If you want him to have the vasectomy, I’d attend the abortion apointmebt IF he’s gotten himself the snip appt. I’d need him to take one eensy bit of ownership for sorting things out.

Personally If my dh didn’t want more children and then didn’t take steps I’d consider him as signed in blood for the let’s have more babies brigade and I’d have told him this and emailed/messages him for the record. I also think my relationship would be dead. The lack of responsibility would do it, I couldn’t be with a child.

I know we're both to blame, but if I didn't want kids, I wouldn't cum inside an incredibly fertile woman.

Of course I've considered that PND is a possibly following a third birth, but I'd rather have PND, work through that and have a family of 5, than have depression from doing something I don't want to do.

I've just asked OH if he's going to ring the doctors, he shrugged, got up and walked out.

You say it was a choice you were ok with and that you are happy about the idea of becoming a family of 5. That seems odd seeing as you obviously don't have a good and happy relationship, you don't have the money to afford another child and you don't have a big enough flat for another child.

I didn't think we had the space or money for our second child, but we've made it work more easily than I thought we would. I'm not going to pretend that it isn't tight, because it is, but I think that's part and parcel of being parents. The kids come first, as long as they're sorted and have everything they need, nothing else matters too much.
We both have 'luxury' money each month which could quite easily be used to support the cost of a third child. I know moving can be an expensive process, but I've been looking online and have actually managed to find three bed properties for around the same price that we're currently paying. I told OH about it, and that still didn't change his mind.

We've had a rough year, I can't deny that, but we've had some good times too. All relationships go through high and lows, and I'd never think about not bringing a child in to this world simply because we're not 100% on top form right now. No one knows what's around the corner, the happiest of couples could try for a baby because everything is perfect in their lives, but that could all turn on it's head in the blink of an eye.

I know that if we really, really tried, we could make this work. There are people in worse situations than us that have more kids than we do, and they all get by.

I feel like no matter what route I take, I'm going to end up getting hurt. I just need to try and figure out which is the lesser of two evils before tomorrow.

If you split up, his earnings would be his and you would likely be the resident parent and reliant on his maintenance and any benefits you qualified for for money. It would be hard for you to WoH.

What if you partner agreed to consider having another child in a few years time. Might that make you feel better about having an abortion. You could see how your relationship works out and see how things go. You could still have a third child but you could then wait until you are I. A better position to have one. It would also give both you and you partner a chance to mature a little. You already have two kids and have suffered from PND with each of them. It really does seem risky to have another one so soon.
I think saying that people 'get by' when they have more kids in difficult circumstances is sad.

I don't get why you couldn't have waited. What was the rush? Were you worried you might split up? It would have been better for all of you and especially for your other children if you had waited.
I don't get the blame game either. Your partners was idiotic to let you get pregnant but you chose to get pregnant with someone who clearly told you he didn't want another child and someone you have had a rough year.

I think lots of people want some 'luxury' money for themselves each month. Although you're happy to give that up it doesn't mean that your partner is and there isn't anything wrong with that, it's just different perspectives.

You also say that you are receiving Universal Credit. If you are basing the fact that you could manage a third child based on the benefits you are currently receiving I would be careful as I'm pretty sure that the government will cut these even further over the next few years and continue to do so. I certainly wouldn't be counting on benefits to manage.

Try to imagine how you feel about 4, that is how he feels about 3.

He didn't get the vasectomy because you weren't ready to agree I don't think you should hold that against him now.

That said he knew the risk when he didn't use protection, and so did you.

It's nobody's fault try and think of both likely scenarios with and without a 3rd child and see which one is better for you. You are right it's really tough and no easy answer, try not to be too hard on yourself whatever you decide.

Onefortheroad Universal Credit is already capped at max two children so a third children won't increase UC.

I think there's no wrong or right answer when it comes to the whole 'I want more kids' 'well I dont' debacle. It's obviously unfair to ask someone to father a child that they don't want, but I think it's equally unfair to be told you're never going to have children again, even though you want them. It's not a nice situation for either parties.

OH stormed out after I asked about the vasectomy, and said he was going out to pick up lunch stuff. Aldi is 2 minute walk from our house, so when he wasn't back after over an hour, I called to see where he was and what was taking so long, he got pissed off at me and hung up the phone.
That's the third time he's stormed out in two days. I feel like he thinks this situation is harder for him than it is for me.
So far he's done nothing to show me that he's going to hold my hand and support me throughout this abortion. I'm scared I'm going to have it, then he'll expect me be over it no time

@Caramelsalt that was my point! I was saying that if OP was basing managing financially on what she receives now then adding a third child isn't wise.

OP he’s being incredibly unfair and selfish. What do you want to do? Really want, not what he’s told you to want.

DS2 was a surprise. Actually DD was a surprise, DS2 was a shock. I’d been told I wasn’t able to have another, so DD was a happy surprise. Finding out when she was 6 months old that I was 24 weeks wasn’t!

It took a bit of getting used to, but I wouldn’t change him for the world and DP was supportive (we both panicked a bit about how we’d manage).

Why does he think the way he is behaving is ok?

OP you don't have to have the abortion if you don't want to. I think you just need to be prepared to be a single parent and to look into your options based on this.

Many trusts are no longer funding vasectomies, and it's wicked hard to get one if a man is young.

You're already planning on this third child as if you two will stay together but it doesn't sound like you will. Have you considered how you will bring up and support 3 kids as a single mum? Because there is every possibility you will split. Both UC and tax credits are now capped at 2 kids, you won't get more for a 3rd, or HB or anything but child benefit.

I should clarify that if a termination is what you really want I’m not saying that's wrong either. What I meant by my question is that he doesn’t seem to be considering you at all, so wanted to know how you feel. Not to judge or criticise.

I hope you are early on enough that you have time to think about this calmly. It really doesn't sound like abortion is right for you or that your OH will support you either way. Focus on taking care of yourself and being strong for yourself.

I don't think he's considering me either. It's like he doesn't get the magnitude of this situation. It's like 'whoops, I got her pregnant again, I don't want the baby, so she can get an abortion then it's problem solved'. Of course he hasn't actually said those words, but going off the way he's been acting the last few days, he might as well just come out and say that he doesn't care about the impact it'll have on me.

OH is 34, nearly 35 so not sure if that will have any effect on him struggling to get a vasectomy? Is there an age limit?

If I knew for absolute certainty that he was going to be by my side every step of the way following the abortion, if he cared enough to listen to me talk about it for the fifth time that month, or genuinely helping me when I'm upset, understanding and showing grief and remorse too - that wound make a difference knowing I had that support and that comfort. But he has the tendency to hurt me, then expects me to drop it and get over it just because he's bored of hearing about it.

Oh OP you poor thing:( I'm so shocked at the nasty replies some posters have sent you... you were asking for advice not abuse about being "careless" etc! Do what makes YOU and your other babies happy, if you had to do this alone then you could, you're already Mum to two so your already a Wonder Woman in my eyes! Please please please really think about things before any drastic decisions are made. Big hugs xxx

I was just wondering if your partner has any other kids?

@firsttime17 thank you 🌸 I was only looking for some advice yes, but I expected the thread to escalate a little so I don't mind too much. Well, my appointment is tomorrow morning and I have an inkling that the doctor will send me away and tell me to come back when I'm more certain which will not go down well with OH x

He doesn't have kids with anybody else, no. Why's that?