Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

[TryingToThinkPositively]

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

I was diagnosed with post natal depression after both children, and have suffered depression prior to having children so it's likely an abortion will send me in to a downward spiral

I'm not saying I'm going to be out every night, getting pissed at every given opportunity - im simply saying depression will likely take hold again, and I'll be doing whatever I can to mask the guilt and the sadness of an abortion. I will be going out more and focusing on myself. I get zero 'me' time and OH is used to me constantly being at home with the kids, ready to stay in with them as and when he wants to go out and have a drink.

I'm currently in one of the worst situations I've ever found myself in.

I either have an abortion that I don't want, and OH be happy, we remain in our nice home and just about get by money wise - all the while I'll be constantly beating myself up about what I'd done and resenting OH.

I could continue this pregnancy and have OH reluctantly stick by me, but he'd ultimately wind up hating our skint life and the extra stress a third baby brings.

Or, I have the baby and he leaves, and I raise three children alone.

None of those options sound nice to me

You are missing option 4- you have the abortion and the resentment becomes intolerable and you tell oh you want him to leave, you can’t even look at him without thinking he wanted me to abort our baby. It sounds like this is actually your option 1 slightly longer term tbh - where in your head does option 1 end up? Miserably together in ten years? Love rekindled? Or separated because this is one difference too many?
If you are doing choices you need to be realistic. And tell him what you’re thinking through, that’s fair.

I think unfortunately you are about to learn the very hard way the consequences of poor choices when it comes to picking a reliable partner, the value of marriage before children and how you will afford to feed, clothe and house your children. I would hate to be in your situation, even though I am married I would find it unbearable to have an abortion. With no benefits available for subsequent children it is one of the reasons why we lead a non-existent sex life until DH gets the snip done. Just waiting now for the appointment.

Men who have unprotected sex with highly fertile women, whilst being fertile themselves should really not be astonished at the resulting baby. He is as stupid and responsible as you are. Make sure he pays maintenance if you do keep your child.

You have a responsibility to your children to do what’s right for them. Staying with a dick head is not in their best interests.

Whether you have this baby or not, please get some decent contraception sorted out. Avoid useless men, concentrate on your family and work hard to improve yours/their lot in life. Be a good parent and believe in yourself and don’t repeat this mess again.

It doesn't seem to matter what I think or feel when it come to OH.
It feels like he controls everything and so long as things go his way, everything is fine. I've tried growing a back bone and standing up for myself, I've tried putting myself and my mental health first but it gets me nowhere, he wins eventually, though he'll never ever admit that he has all the control.

It's awful when there are more people than yourself to consider; a new life just starting to grow, existing children. Is there ever a right answer that suits everyone involved? Someone always seems to get hurt, and I feel like this time, it's me.

You are going to have to take a hit for the sake of your kids. They come first now. I am sure there is support out there, speak to your midwife / HV. Do you have family or friends who can help?

Getting you pregnant and expecting an abortion is controlling abuse.

He has you where he wants you. He has broken you. He can now control you.

OP I really think you need some counselling. This doesn't seem like a good relationship to be in for either of you. You say he has all control, this is not healthy. You gave said you 'will be a nightmare' if you have an abortion, this is not healthy either (and is emotional blackmail/abuse). I understand that is how you have reacted in the past, but as you recognise the triggers, counselling would help you not to behave in that way, especially since ypu have young children.

You are in an awful position (and I do understand having had a similar experience) but I took control of my emotions, owned the decision, and got help. I have no regrets.

It seems as if you are still not quite sure of what you want to do, and I really hope you are ok, but please do get some professional help

OP you really need to have some counselling before committing to an abortion. I think your marriage is over no matter what you decide. Which ever option you choose one of you will resent the other and every argument will have this pregnancy thrown in the others face. Resentment will grow until until you can't stand to be around each other.

The choice to have an abortion is yours alone, do not be forced into this. You don't have to keep Fridays appointment, I think a later appointment would be wise to give you time to really think about all your options and hopefully get some counselling to help with the options.

Good luck OP

Your position is precarious already with two DC, not married, no job and relationship problems. A third DC is likely to make matters worse. But many women have managed well as single parents of three.

Pregnancy options counselling is available. Whatever you decide to to, when you need mental health support, seek it. Don’t use the situation to excuse unhelpful drinking.

Your OH doesn’t have any control over your body: it’s solely your choice. If he walks away from your relationship he still needs to parent all his DC and contribute financially.

If he tries forcing an abortion, or hints that he'll leave if I continue with the pregnancy, then I don't really want or need that kind of a human in my life anyway!

This!

You have said from the start you do not want an abortion so why are you considering one - just to please him??

Regain control tell him you are not having one and you've mentioned you could just about manage financially. Do not let him emotionally abuse you this way. Your depression will get much worse doing something under duress. Take PP advice seek counselling.

Single mum 3 kids is possible but equally tough though would your mental state be much better for the sake of your dc? Look into potential benefits you could receive. You could work part time when they are all at school. Maybe OH will walk away but maybe not forever.

Take back the control stand up for what you want for you and your living DC.

Good luck I'm really hoping things will work out better than you're imagining right now. My MIL raised 3 kinds on her own and worked. She always said it was tough going but she's so proud of the job she done. Her DH beat her and drank every weekend didn't give her a penny. He physically and mentally abused her. She left him for the final time and came out stronger.

3 kids

Congratulations! I don't understand why you feel you have to write some sheepish apology letter to him or feel guilty for being excited about a third baby. He ejaculated inside you knowing you weren't on any form of contraception - how can this possibly be a surprise to him?!

There is one point everyone over looks .... he was going to get a vasectomy but she told him not to. Then refused to take contraception.

Its as much her fault as his.

“Its as much her fault as his.”

No it’s not. He’s the one who was adamant about not wanting a baby, but still ejaculated into a fertile woman. He could have used a condom or abstained.

He spoke about getting a vasectomy but never made any phone calls or doctors appointments, this went on for months and months before I was eventually like "You're not doing anything about it are you, just don't bother getting one". He told me he wanted one, but did nothing to get the ball rolling and is now holding that against me.
He knew I wanted more children but was against the idea himself, so he either should've had the vasectomy because that's what he wanted, or he should've worn condoms to prevent a pregnancy that he didn't want happening.
Knowing someone is fertile, wants more children and a general idea of how sex works, you'd have thought he'd have done more considering how against having more children he is.

I don't even know if I'll be able to have an abortion if I don't show that I'm not 100% dead set on it, will I? I think I read somewhere ages ago that doctors won't put through the referral if they sense doubt...

Why would you have an abortion when you want the baby , I’m
Pro choice but you admitted yourself you wanted another baby and didn’t take contraception because you wanted to get pregnant again , I don’t think terminating because someone else told you too is a good idea at all .

Yes, he could have sorted contraception, and is U to blame you for the pregnancy, but it wasn’t sensible on your part to have sex with no contraception when you knew your DP didn’t want more DC, especially given your difficult circumstances as a couple and as an individual.

Is the only real reason to stay with him that you aren’t sure you can manage on your own?

So what did you expect OP? You say he shouldn't have had unprotected sex with you if he didn't want a baby so did you think the fact that he continued to do so meant that he secretly did want one? He certainly was an idiot to do so but you are the one who has to go through pregnancy and or abortion so I'm not sure what you thought would happen?

I'm not quite sure what the use of apportioning blame is in your current situation?

Knowing someone is fertile, wants more children and a general idea of how sex works, you'd have thought he'd have done more considering how against having more children he is.

Knowing your OH was dead against another baby, that you were struggling badly with 2, and that your relationship was on the rocks, you'd have thought you might have spoken up when you saw him not putting on a condom. You made choices that brought you to this place too.

All i know is that if the roles were reversed and I was the one who didn't want any more children, I'd go above and beyond to prevent it from happening.
It clearly takes two to make a child, but I think that ultimately, it should be down to the person who doesn't want a child to ensure it doesn't happen.

We spoke last night after I phoned for a doctors appointment and I asked him if he's going to phone the doctors tomorrow (meaning today) to sort out about a vasectomy. It's now half 1, he's been home all day, and is currently an hour and a half in to napping. I know he won't phone when he wakes up, he won't phone tomorrow either.
I shouldn't have to chase him up on something that he apparently really wants to do, but if I don't constantly remind him, it won't get done.

Presumably you’re never going to have sex with him ever again, anyway- so it doesn’t really matter?

Also, the difference between him and myself right now is that I wanted more children, I'm happy about the idea of becoming a family of 5. He doesn't, and isn't.
I shouldn't have to remind him before we start having sex that he doesn't want a kid so he should wear a condom.
Yes, we both made a choice, but for me, it was a choice I was okay with. For him, he did it knowing he wouldn't be okay with the repercussions. I don't want to play the blame game, but it's hard not to. I'm all over the place right now.

If he is not prepared to go to the doctor to protect against pregnancy then I don't think you should attend your doctors appointment either. You do not want to go through with an abortion and I think the reality is your relationship will not last the test of time if you go through with an abortion and will be left a single parent. So if I were you I would just refuse and if he walks he walks but an abortion is not an option for you. You need to be a mom to your two kids.