Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

[TryingToThinkPositively]

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

[mummyhaschangedhername]

I'm so sorry OP. What a horrible situation to be in.

[endofthelinefinally]

This is so sad.
You both sound very immature.
You are not married so you have no rights in law OP.
If he leaves, how will you manage to support yourself and your dc?
Is everything in your name? Joint names?

[TryingToThinkPositively]

Ah, lovely! Whoever would've thought that trying to write properly and expressively all whilst trying not to be crude would equate me making this entire situation up?! Some people are awful!

[ch0c0milkrox]

Ignore them OP.
More on your plate to deal with right now.
How is your DP being? is he talking to you.

[TryingToThinkPositively]

He is terrible with anything remotely serious. It's been a long standing problem in our relationship and something that's caused many an argument. He's a stonewaller - buries his head in the sand and pretends bad things aren't happening. Then has the ability to go to sleep, wake up the following day and act as if nothing happened.

He's essentially said that he doesn't want an abortion to happen, but at the same time, is against bringing another child in to this family. I've told him of the repercussions that will follow me having a termination. I'll be beyond depressed, I'll want to get drunk a lot/go out a lot/do just about anything to take my mind off of it. I'll be a nightmare to live with. I know he isn't seeing an abortion as a 'quick fix', but I also don't think he understands just how badly it'll affect me.

[LeftRightCentre]

I think either way you'll need to plan on how you will survive as a single mum because he doesn't sound like a keeper as it is. If you do have a termination you can have a Mirena fitted at the same time to avoid getting pregnant again.

[lapenguin]

I don't think you should have an abortion just to please him. From your posts it's obvious that you aren't comfortable with that at all.
Having said that I'm not sure how your relationship will survive either way

[LookAtIt]

^^ OP
OH and I have had a rough year. I won't go in to the ins and outs of it all, but we've come close to breaking up more than once

Oh dear this gets worse and worse. Why on earth did you want to get pregnant with him when you already have two young kids and have had a 'rough year'. He has behaved irresponsibly but so have you. You've both behaved very immaturely. It's unfair on your existing kids.
Perhaps you can both get some help to talk things through. I don't know what the best outcome is.

[Samewitches]

I've only just seen this thread but I read from the beginning all the way through and I feel so sad for you OP. You do want this baby and a termination would hurt you and stay with you forever, however having 3 under 3 (!!) alone feels like too much, far too much. I'm so sorry your partner is being such an arsehole, I don't know what to say because only you can make the decision. And what a horrible, life changing decision to have to make either way. Do you have anyone in RL to offload to?

[CobaltRose]

@sunshineandroses1, not at all helpful.

[endofthelinefinally]

Being a parent is a very serious long term commitment. Have either of you really considered your responsibilities?
What a worrying situation.

[CobaltRose]

I agree that OP and her partner have both been irresponsible, but berating her and calling her names is not going to help. She is already pregnant. It's a shame as things are clearly far from ideal, but calling her a silly little girl is hardly mature itself.

[TwitterQueen1]

I've told him of the repercussions that will follow me having a termination. I'll be beyond depressed, I'll want to get drunk a lot/go out a lot/do just about anything to take my mind off of it. I'll be a nightmare to live with.

So basically you're submitting to what you believe he is demanding, even though you don't have to, and you're going to passively/aggressively blame him for being a total nightmare bitch for the rest of your lives? Surely you can see what an awful resolution this would be? Your marriage would be well and truly over.

Can you both get some counselling? I do think you would both benefit from some outside perspectives. And you would definitely benefit from learning how to be confident in your own decision making capabilities.

[Hogtini]

So you've threatened him by saying you'll act out if you get a termination by getting drunk a lot and going out a lot to forget about it? Wtf? I know you'll be depressed and it will affect you like it would anyone else (trust me, I know) and we all have our coping mechanisms and weaknesses. However, you have a choice here and now with foresight to be a grown up and seek appropriate counselling and getting that in place rather than resorting to acting out! What about your existing dc whilst your doing that? Seriously.

[sagasleathertrousers]

I don't think telling him you'll be going out and getting pissed all the time if you have an abortion is really fair. It seems a bit like blackmail - ie if you make me do this ill punish you by doing this. And not really fair on your two children either to do that. You don't want an abortion so don't have one, don't try to force him to agree with you as no amount of threatening consequences is going to make him want another baby more. You know how he feels.

[sagasleathertrousers]

@Hogtini completely crossed posts!

[Howhot]

I think you're both quite immature op. What do you think is best for the children you already have?

[CobaltRose]

I don't think blackmailing your partner is the best response. Threatening to 'be a nightmare to live with' is immature and only likely to lead to resentment on both your parts.

You need to sit down with him and have a proper discussion. No histrionics, no blackmailing, no threats. A calm, collected discussion. If you can't have one then that is yet another problem on top of other problems.

[TryingToThinkPositively]

I never go out. Since having my children, I've gone out three times. So, three times in two and a half years. OH has gone out countless times and left me to deal with the children while he goes out and has fun.
I'm telling him I'll want to go out and I'll want to drink because I'm speaking from personal experience. That's what I did 7/8 years ago. The guilt and the sadness consumed me entirely and I just had to do anything, something, that would help me escape the grief.
If I go out every other weekend (which is unheard for me), if I have a few drinks and let loose, if I'm depressed, I don't think any of that is blackmail. We all deal with things differently. I'm not going to turn in to raging alcoholic, I'm not going to abandon my children, I'm just prewarning OH that I won't be in a good place following an abortion which is surely understandable.
I've suffered from depression during this relationship and OH didn't/doesn't deal with it well. He doesn't understand it and it caused him to do some awful things because he was sick of me being down all the time.
I think it's only fair that I give him a heads up that I'm not going to be a ray of sunshine for quite some time.

[jpclarke]

So so sorry to read your update op. We tried for number 4 a few months ago and when I got a positive test I freaked out and was afraid to tell my dh as I was worried about finances etc dh was delighted. We went for our scan only to discover baby had died and I had a mmc and had to have a d&c. I am devastated ever since, my point being it took a few days for my to stop worrying and it took me a few days to even tell dh. He will come around, he is still in shock. You will find a way through this. I know it's hard having your babies close in age as my 3 are close in age. And I am exhausted and so is dh. But it will all be ok and it will work out.

[LittleDoritt]

If you have an abortion you don't want you will never be able to forgive him. How will your relationship withstand that?

[Ginger1982]

You 'won't use birth control' and 'the responsibility should be on the man anyway?'

[Hjkillas]

You know you might have depression with the stress of 3 children anyway right?

You mention you have no time to go out and you'll have even less time for yourself, whereas your other half will probably spend more time at the pub or whatever to get away from the stress of the kids.

I'm not trying to judge, I'm just concerned that either way you'll end up miserable and resentful 😣

[Hogtini]

So you did that 7/8 years ago and you're going to do it again? Surely you're meant to learn from the past and grow and develop as a person? No one is saying don't have a drink to help, go out etc but you made it sound like a teenage skrank and that would be your only outlet.