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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Disappointed about sex of baby and need some help pulling myself together!

161 replies

Chattyhan · 14/05/2007 14:31

I don't want to be ungrateful and I know i'm being really pathetic but had 22wk scan this morning and found out it was another boy. Both DP and I wanted a girl and i'm finding it really hard to accept. I can't stop crying and feel i'm missing out on that special mother/daughter relationship. We can't afford to have any more children and wouldn't want to risk 3 boys so that's that.

Please don't be angry with me and i'm sorry to those who think i'm being stupid.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Mumpbump · 15/05/2007 11:35

I found the opposite. Quite literally everyone wanted our first child to be a boy so I felt I had to root for a girl. It was a boy in the end! This time around, I think my parents would prefer a girl to "balance" the genders, but I really am not fussed as I mentioned before.

OutragedfromTunbridgeWells · 15/05/2007 11:39

Thats actually nice to hear Mumbump.

Hooray for the boys!!!!!

I've become very protective and senstive to the 'downer' on boys since having 2 boys (was a feminist before).

You'll probably feel like that too Chatty. When he's here you'll love him like your heart will burst.

Give your husband a shake. Cry and let go of your fantasy and the start to look forward to the real and wonderful family you are going to have.

jabuti · 15/05/2007 11:57

LadyTophamHatt, i noticed that too. at first, usually people are more disappointed at having boys than girls.
my guess is because most of the people posting here are women, and there is a large number of us that might think is easier to bond with a baby of the same gender.

however, if we were in china or india, girl would be the last thing people would be wishing for!

MorocconOil · 15/05/2007 12:13

I think you did the right thing finding out the sex, as you can come to terms with him being a boy.It is good to express your disappointment rather than bottling it up. Having a good cry and letting it out now is healthy.

But remember Chatty it really is not the end of the world. Both your little boys will adore you, and you them. Whether your baby is a girl or a boy it is an individual with it's own personality to develop, and you are there to positively reinforce that.

I know where you are coming from as I have been there myself, but you do need to get it into perspective.

Would showing your DH this thread help the situation?

Original poster

Chattyhan · 15/05/2007 13:21

Thanks outragedfromTW i completely agree that i need to cry and let go of the 2.4 stereotype i have in my head and rejoice in what i've been given.

Mimizan - i've thought about showing this to DP - he know's i'm talking on it - i'm a bit worried he'll think i'm slagging him off and will dwell on that rather than the positive comments!

OP posts:

OutragedfromTunbridgeWells · 15/05/2007 13:36

You know when I was younger (and a snooty little girl) I used to feel very sorry for mothers who just had boys.

I used to think 'poor them' not to have a lovely little girl to buy pretty clothes for and do her hair.

But you know what I didn't realise then, and you Chatty may not fully realise until your DS2 is born; is that those mothers are not sad or disappointed at all, because they love and adore thier sons so much they'd never have it any other way.

You may feel some disappointment now, but when he's here you too will feel like you'd never have had it anyother way. I guarentee it.

alibubbles · 15/05/2007 17:28

Just remind DH that it is his sperm that determines the sex of the baby to be. My DS told her MIL that it was her son who was responsible and she shut up about her having two boys!

Strangely enough,though I wanted two girls, I didn't have a girls name, only a boy's name. When he is born you will feel differently, believe me, I know.

SoupDragon · 15/05/2007 17:39

I desparately hope my DD doesn't like ballet and other girly stuff .

I've got 2 DSs and they're fantastic together. DS2 was by far the best gift we ever gave DS1 However, I was gutted to find out DS2 was a boy at a late growth scan. He was, I thought, my las baby and I, like you, wanted a daughter. Needless to say, I adored him immediately and was glad I got the disappointment out of the way before he was born so his arrival wasn't tainted in anyway. Fast forward 5 years and along comes baby #3. I found out the sex at the 20 week scan and do you think I was delighted to find out it was a girl? No, I was disappointed and terrified because I had no idea what to do with a girl and envisaged myself with 3 boys. There is no logic to it at all. Of course, I love her dearly and have done from the moment she was in my arms.

You'll be fine. Give yourself time to mourn for the child you thought you wanted and but he time you have your baby, you'll love him despite his dangly bits .

greenday · 15/05/2007 18:21

Don't feel bad for feeling this way. I don't think you are being stupid. Everyone is entitled to feel what they feel in a situation that is entirely their's.

I have a 3 yr old DD and everyone tells me that girls are easier as babies/toddlers but very tricky in their teens. I have to brace myself for that. Also, most of her friends are boys (most of my friends just happen to have boys) and true enough ... at their age, it is quite evident that she has that craftiness of a girl and I see it as a sign of things to come. Boys are more straight-forward.

My 2 nephews are best of friends. So its handy having 2 boys!

Londonmamma · 15/05/2007 18:23

You're being honest, not stupid. I have two boys and they're wonderful. I do know I won't have the same relationship with them as adults that a mum would have with a daughter, but I find it's much easier having two boys than one of each because they are great friends and enjoy similar activities.

NotanOtter · 15/05/2007 18:31

Chatty - i met an old grany in boots today who was buying vitamins for her 45 year old son
I said ' oohhh i hope i look afer my boy as well as you do at their age'She said
'I have two girls and one boy and after a call from the girls i feel stressed but when its the boy i go to sleep with a smile!'

DWELL on that !!!!

SoupDragon · 15/05/2007 18:36

"everyone tells me that girls are easier as babies/toddlers"

Original poster

Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 08:30

Notanotter - that is such a lovely thing for the old lady to say and really put a smile on my face.

The sun is shining (at the moment) and i'm feeling much more positive today.

Soupdragon your're post rang so much truth with me i'm sure i'll love being mummy to my boys.

Londonmama - the same activities thing also is a very good point.

I had a chat to a friend who has 2 boys and 1g and she said her boys are the best of friends - yes they fight but they've always got a playmate.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 08:34

My DP was talking about dinner/his day but would not mention the baby. I said i'd like to sit down with him and talk about it when he feels ready.

He said it's not just the sex of the baby bothering him but he will talk to me tonight!

It still really hurts that he won't kiss me goodbye or hug me!

OP posts:

Flumpybumpy · 16/05/2007 08:36

Chatty, I was the same. I already have a DD and was pg with DS, I didn't find out the sex during the pregnancy as I knew I would be so disappointed if I found out it was a boy. I was desperate for another girl. When DS was born I didn't feel the 'rush of love' or anything and for the first few weeks I didn't even want to hold him. I fed him and that was it.

It took about 6weeks then something just clicked and I realised how much I loved him. No, he is not the baby I wanted whilst preganat (and I am ashamed to say that) but he is my little man and I look back now and can't believe I ever felt like I didn't want him. I missed out on enjoying my son's first weeks and I regret that.

Sorry if thsi doesn't offer much help, just wanted you to know someone has felt the same

FB x

RedFraggle · 16/05/2007 08:42

Chattyhan, is your dp upset with you because you are upset about the sex? I know my DH was rather disappointed in ME because I was disappointed to be having a boy. In the end we just didn't discuss how I felt as it was annoying him that I wasn't just glad to be pregnant again....

I have come around to the idea now and I'm sure my little boy will be great - it was just a shock at first as I was soooo sure it was another girl!

For the people who don't understand why people find out the sex at the scan - my opinion was that I didn't want to feel even slightly miffed after the birth - I wanted to be able to be completely happy and the best way to do that was to allow myself time to adjust if the sex wasn't what my stupid little fantasy was. It's worked for me - I'm now looking forward to meeting my boy. But if I hadn't found out I would now be panicking in case it wasn't a girl! Why have a surprise if you don't want one - some people (definitely me) do not like surprises at all! (My worst nightmare = a surprise party )

Original poster

Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 09:15

redfraggle - he wanted a girl too so i don't think it's that but i am wondering if there is something else i might have done? Why won't they just tell you!!!

OP posts:

jabuti · 16/05/2007 11:14

oh... what a suspense he is making! at least he will talk about it. hopefully it will be all sorted out soon. perhaps he is just nervous about providing for three, i heard so many guy friends of mine worried about that.

Original poster

Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 11:21

Thats my best guess - money - i'm working p/t but won't get any maternity pay so maybe he's worried about suddenly having to find extra money when he already works 2 jobs - surely then he should be glad he doesn't need to pay for a pink wardrobe!!!!!!

OP posts:

jabuti · 16/05/2007 11:45

ah, 2 jobs! thats it then, he is stressed about it. is the maternity allowance paid by the government too low for your family? we will be surving on MA here + husband salary. im currently training, so i wont get any decent job until begining of next year.

Original poster

Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 15:17

i can't get any maternity money - it's complicated but believe me i've looked at all the options! DP works a full time job which includes 3 saturdays a month and also DJ's a couple of nights a week.

OP posts:

bananabump · 16/05/2007 16:22

Chattyhan, won't you be entitled to any Maternity Allowance from the government? If you aren't going to get any from your work you should be able to claim something.

Original poster

Chattyhan · 16/05/2007 16:29

no it's because my work isn't regular and i'm only doing one day from june onwards - some of my work is contract and is completly finishing and we earn too much as a family to get any other help. so i'll be looking for more work asap after the baby's born but with 2 DS i'll find it difficult to get nanny work and can't become a childminder because in rented accom and the landlord won't let me and it's too small anyway!

OP posts:

jabuti · 16/05/2007 16:42

hmmmm.... i think you are entitled chatty! you need to have worked 26 weeks out of the last 66 weeks, on an average 30 pounds/week. if you have been working since june, it should be plenty.

and maternity allowance is not based on family income, like child tax credit where the family budget might exclude you if you make too much money. its actually the opposite, for maternity allowance you need to have made a minimum amount during that period.

does that make sense?

jabuti · 16/05/2007 16:45

and if that doesnt work, you can still claim incapacity benefit, look here

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