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Original poster

Disappointed about sex of baby and need some help pulling myself together!

161 replies

Chattyhan · 14/05/2007 14:31

I don't want to be ungrateful and I know i'm being really pathetic but had 22wk scan this morning and found out it was another boy. Both DP and I wanted a girl and i'm finding it really hard to accept. I can't stop crying and feel i'm missing out on that special mother/daughter relationship. We can't afford to have any more children and wouldn't want to risk 3 boys so that's that.

Please don't be angry with me and i'm sorry to those who think i'm being stupid.

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hatwoman · 14/05/2007 20:41

another thing I just thought of - don;t be deluded into thinking that just because they're the same gender you'll have the same type of relationship with them. one of the great pleasures of having two dcs - same gender or different - is the different way in which your relationship develops. it's such a wonderful thing to see/be a part of. I adore both dds to bits, but the way I which I love them, the way we relate to each other, talk to each other, drive each otehr up the wall and make each other laugh is really really different and an endless source of wonder and pleasure to me. yes gender does effect relationships (I said it myself below) but there is so much more to them than that. you have a whole new little person inside you and a really exciting time ahead

RedFraggle · 14/05/2007 20:42

Congratulations on your pregnancy Chattyhan. At least you have lots of time to get your head around this, and you will! I was a bit miffed when I found out I was having a boy as I really wanted another girl! I felt really guilty for being ungrateful but no matter what anyone says, you cannot help how you feel inside.
I have got used to the idea now (although part of me still half hopes that they made a mistake and I will be handed a little girl on the big day!) but either way i am positive that once the baby appears you will love it just as you love your other little one.

Original poster
Chattyhan · 14/05/2007 20:45

2gorgeousboys - i agree with rosetip that it must have been horrible to have a support worker say something so inconsiderate. And i love your name!!!

I'm so pleased with all the friendly and supportive comments on this thread. I was a bit concerned i would be laughed at and told to be grateful i was having a baby at all - it has really helped me to feel better so thanks to everyone xx

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Original poster
Chattyhan · 14/05/2007 20:49

very valid comment hatwoman - children are so special!

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hotmama · 14/05/2007 20:49

I have 2 dc's that are the same sex - however, mine are both girls. I 'assumed' that dd2 would be a boy - because I already had a girl - scrambled pregnant logic for you!

I found out when I was 13 weeks pregnant (old so had tests).

Initially, I actually was a bit disappointed - I know weird and grateful.

Just to let you know, it is the best having them the same sex - saves loads of money with clothes and toys etc. Lovely when they play together.

Look at the bright side - at least you won't be in your late 50's with 2 teenage daughters with one school year between them - I will!

I think you're reaction is probably pretty normal - but I'm sure you'll look back in a few years with disbelief!

NotanOtter · 14/05/2007 20:49

i have four boys (and a girl sje was my second baby)
i really wanted a girl and saw at scan it was ds and could just tell my ultrasonographers tone although did not ask

i wish i had NOT found out cos it spoiled the pg

HOWEVER when he was born i said to dp 'well?' and he just nodded - i just laughed and worship him one year on,
I could not have dreamed i would ever have such a snuggly loving child and feel bad for not wanting him.....
he is beautiful too with thick dark lashes and beautiful ebony eyes.......he should have been a girl. i say it all the time and laugh. i did threads on here under a pseudonym...i am not proud of how i felt but i can say from the bottom of my heart i am glad he is HIM and would not have it any other way
i know from bitter experience - you wont believe me now but you WILL atually feel glad HE is a HE at some point soon.

Remember me and tell me off if you dont think it....i'd put money on it...

lots of love and empathy - i HAVE been there x

Spidermama · 14/05/2007 20:52

A agree about scans. I had a girl then three boys one after the other and am really grateful to have turned down all scans. Throughout pregnancy I admit I was hoping for a girl with ds4 but after birth it's such and amazing and magical time that there's simply no room for any disappointment, unlike in the scanning room where some stranger is showing you a grainy image.

I'm not a fan of routine scanning as you can tell.

Congratulations though. Boys are fun and loving and direct. My ds's certainly teach me so much and are a total joy to be around.

NotanOtter · 14/05/2007 20:54

so do you have one girl and four boys spidermama?

giraffeski · 14/05/2007 20:55

Message withdrawn

maisym · 14/05/2007 20:56

chen - prepare yourself for people who'll say did you want a girl or things along those lines.

3 boys will be lots of fun - think of all the help they'll be able to give you - and all their girl friends.

mollymawk · 14/05/2007 21:05

Hi Chattyhan. I have two boys. I may have more, I may not. Before I had any children at all, if I was honest I would have said that I would be disappointed if I never had a girl. However, now I have two boys I can honestly say that I genuinely don't mind at all, and if I had any more and they were all boys that would genuinely be lovely. I am quite surprised by this actually. So I hope you will feel the same in a year or two!

lisad123 · 14/05/2007 21:25

I have one dd and finding out what bumpy is on 25th may
I want girl and so does dd although hubby wants a boy. Girls are lovely, but im sure you'll have a lovely mother son relationship too
Hope you can get your heas together, hugs
L

Spidermama · 14/05/2007 21:30

Yes NOA. My girl is my oldest then three boys.

Rosetip · 14/05/2007 22:12

Troutpout

Yes, a lot of people have said that to me and when I saw the same sonographer later on she said that she always refers to "he".

However the baby is very big which makes me think it's a boy as well.

I think I'm in quite a good position really as I'm 90% sure it's a boy but feel it could also be a surprise as well.

Uki · 15/05/2007 00:29

If your still not feeling to great about it all, have a look
here

macneice · 15/05/2007 00:36

Your talking about a utopia that doesn't exist. A hallmark version. Its a very few and a very lucky few who cultivate this ideal into adulthood.

chipmonkey · 15/05/2007 01:18

I can bring the ds's shopping. One year just before Christmas, I was frantically looking for a dress to wear to my work Christmas party. Ds1 was 5. I tried on a long silver dress, looked in the mirror and despaired at my lumpy tummy and bum. Ds1 peeped in, gasped and said, "Oh, Mammy, you're beautiful!" Didn't buy the dress but felt a million dollars!

Uki · 15/05/2007 07:58

Yummybunnymummy- just wanted to dispell that myth about that if you have 2 children of one sex you go to 75% of having the third the same
Not true It is 50/50 chance as it always is, or 50/51 boy to be correct.

families of same sex children of 3 make up only 12.5% of the population.

tiredemma · 15/05/2007 08:06

I too wanted a girl from my 2nd pregnancy, at my 20 week scan I discovered I was having another boy.

For about an hour after the scan I suppose I was disappointed, but soon got over it, I have a wonderful three yr old boy- Im so glad I had another boy.

...he does think that he is a girl though- he loves pink, barbie, my little pony. He wears pyjama bottoms on his head to pretend that he has long hair and often asks if he can wear a skirt- so I suppose he is like a girl!!

Im sure your feelings will change as your pregnancy progresses.

aquasea · 15/05/2007 08:37

Hi hon... I can't really offer any advice (as I am about to have my first) but I wanted to echo what others have said. Every child/mother relationship is different. I do think in general from the people I know that mother/son relationships tend to be easier and happier than mother/daughter. (Gross over generalisation I know!) I think that "best friend" relationship between mother and daughter is fairly rare. Speaking for myself, my sister and 99% of my friends... we have difficult relationships with our mothers. Love them to pieces but they drive us crazy. All the men I know adore their mums (and their mums worship their sons!). Don't forget how difficult girls can be - PMT, the teen years, power struggles...
Will stop waffling now! Sending hugs.
xx

scorpio1 · 15/05/2007 09:21

chattyhan, how are you today?? hope you are ok x

Original poster
Chattyhan · 15/05/2007 09:48

Thanks Scorpio - unfortunately i can't seem to shake this feeling! I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying. My DP won't talk to me - i've tried talking to him but it's just one word answers and i really feel like i need to talk this out. He even refused to kiss me goodnight. I feel like such a horrible person but i don't want another boy and that's just how i feel. Thanks for the link UKI i didn't realise gender disappointment was so common.

I don't know whether to contact my GP or midwife, i really need to talk about this with someone who isn't going to judge me. I don't know how i'm going to get through this pregnancy and i feel so bad for my little baby who didn't ask for any of this.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 15/05/2007 09:51

chatty-i would make an appointment, you need someone who is going to listen and who wont be horrid to you. its not your fault you feel this way, sorry but your dp is being a bit nasty isnt he??i know he is upset too,but surely you should stick together?im so sorry he is being like this because that cant be helping you either.

ring your midwife for an appointment-she will understand.

Original poster
Chattyhan · 15/05/2007 09:58

i just don't know what to say - i've got to be at work at 12 with my ds and i just don't think i can cope. I can't pick up the phone at the moment because i can't stop crying.

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NotanOtter · 15/05/2007 10:03

you WONT shake it quickley!!

dont expect it to disappear overnight --- but it will go soon - or maybe not until it is born

tbh and i dont mean to sound glib in any way but in my case it helped me to read the special needs boards....

please feel free to CAT me i would love to talk to you as i felt so so so sad and that feeling is gone...

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