Cheeky mother in law 😡 Need advice

[princesspxx]

Ahhhh i am fuming today and need a rant and a bit of advice really. So I’m nearly 27 weeks now, and booked a 4D scan for me and my partner to go to to see our little girl.

It’s been a bit of a difficult week, I’ve been uncomfortable/tired and quite anxious etc so this was a way of relieving some of that anxiety. So anyway, my partners mum rang us asking if his little sister could go with us, she’s 5. Hesitantly I said yes as I was put on the spot over the phone.

After thinking about it, I thought first of all maybe it’s not appropriate (if something came up on the scan etc how would we explain that to her?), and like I said before I was anxious and just wanted me and my partner to go. So I texted his mum and explained that I wasn’t sure if his sister should come or not and explain why, she was nice to me and said okay let her know tomorrow (which is the day of the scan).

Next thing I know, she’s at my door and his little sister is asking whAt time we are going to see the baby!! It really took me off guard. Anyway next thing I know his mum is storming out the house telling her daughter she can’t go to the scan. My partner has fallen out with me and said he wasn’t going either as I was horrible to not “let” his sister go. Even though I never promised her OR said she wasn’t going. I never said anything to her.

So unfortunately I went to the scan by myself. Everything fine but I really wanted him there and it upsets me that this has caused such a big falling out. It also pisses me off that his mum is now slagging menoff for “letting her daughter down” and apparently not making a big enough fuss over her and taking her. They’d left before I even said one word!!!

Honestly, I just needed a rant. His mum has a bad habit of giving something (she paid some money towards the scan which we didn’t know about till she text saying she had put money in the bank) basically so we would take her daughter with us, who’s off school poorly with a stomach bug so To me , if she’s off school sick she’s too poorly toncome to a scan and have a day out. Not to mention his other siblings would feel left out.

I feel like a complete bitch now but I made it clear to my partner I just wanted us to go, but apparently that’s an awful thing to do and now I’m left alone upset whilst he goes to his mums and they slag me off :(

Seriously, he sounds like a child. He's not man enough to be a Dad, just a mummy's boy and he hasn't got your back either. Cut your losses now; this is only going to end one way.

You sound sensible and mature OP. I'm sure you'll be a great mum and the whole thing will be much easier without him and his family causing you trouble.

Longines makes a good point about the 'logic'.

There will be hundreds of other occasions where you cannot reason with him because his reasoning is so distorted and bizarre that there will be no reasoning with him. NONE

Very very important! Even if you are still together then please please give the baby your surname not his.

If you two stay together, get married, have 3 more kids and live happily ever after then you can always agree to change the baby’s name to his.

But if he does run off home to mummy at the first sight of a sleepless night then if you give the baby his name then you will stuck with it.

I know so many women whose exes do not see their kids, do not pay maintenance, (in one case) didn’t even bother to visit when the little girl was in intensive care with meningitis and not expected to last the night, but will not agree to have their child’s name changed to make life so much easier for the parent who does care for them.

He isn't ready to be part of a serious couple if that is the way he treats you and he certainly isnt ready to be a father.

@princesspxx no you where just right he had plenty of chances to run down and he chose not too enjoy your night to yourself i wouldnt answer any calls or messages he or his mother sends you

He came home and basically just reiterated that his sister had been let down etc. Well so have I ffs. I asked him to leave, he left me crying my eyes out, hasn’t said where he’s going. Will probably meet his friend then go to his mums to stay.

What a nightmare :(

The beginning of my pregnancy was awful (severe morning sickness combined with long working hours in a care job), to being sacked at 18 week FOR shitty reasons basically so they didn’t have to pay maternity, to now all this shite. I just want to fast forward and have my baby here and everything sorted lol.

Can’t thank you all enough for commenting. Me and my best friend have drifted apart massively - gone from speaking everyday to every few weeks/months as she has gone off to uni and I’m in our hometown pregnant. Other than that, I’ve not really any close friends - they are all through him. His friends girlfriends. I’m just glad I’ve had somewhere to write all this rather than let it spin round in my head any longer.

My ex was like this when I was pregnant at 20,I wished I walked away then, it got worse once the baby was born he asked me if I wanted slimming tablets off his mate three weeks after giving birth even though I was back in a size 10 jeans, the emotional abuse was horrible, he would make vile comments about the couple of stretch marks I had in my stomach, my appearance etc his mother was a real bitch too. Leave now whilst it’s easier.

Let him go. You will never regret it.

I was 21, not much older than you, and in a similar situation but I didn't leave, thinking it would be better to stay for the child etc. It wasnt. He hasn't had contact with us for 4 and a half years now. I came home one night and all his stuff was just gone, called his parents and his dad spoke to me as if wed broken up but i had no idea; his mother didn't see anything wrong with what he did. We went back and forth through solicitors and after I'd agreed to all of his demand regarding access, he then sent a letter saying he did not want contact and that was it. He was hoping I'd refuse as he was giving more and more unreasonable demand - he wanted me to be the bad guy but I kept saying yes. So, we havnt seen or heard from him in 4 and a half years now and we are all doing great. I retrained in a different field from my degree, started a business and now have my own house with my kids.

You're young, but if you end up alone you will not be giving up your chance at a good life. You will be fine and baby will be fine.

I very much hope he sees sense; having the baby might be the kick he needs to become his own man and not his mother's version - I hope you get that, but if things don't go the way you want then you will still be fine.

Do you have family?

@Dancingmonkey87 I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can sympathise Cos today he basically called me fat without saying it (said I’m always eating. Well duh! I’m pregnant) yet I’m still in my normal clothes pretty much (size 10) and everyone is always shocked when I say how far along I really am!!

You sound to me like you have far more strength and resilience than you think you do. What happened here was no small thing to cope with; you were bullied, intimidated, abused, accused of letting down a young child, left to go to the scan on your own with no warning...most people would have struggled with all that, and you powered through it and went to the scan on your own.

I had an abusive childhood too, and although I am seen as quite forthright and sarcastic and even hard by others sometimes, I suffer from crippling anxiety, depression and PTSD, and my mother was like Kryptonite to me. She just terrified me on a deep, animal level, well into adulthood. I tried and failed to stand up to her so many times but she always won.

That changed when ds1 was 3 and her protracted, abusive tantrum (3 months of it) was about a decision I had made for him that she wasn't happy with. Something snapped inside me - I saw HIS life, and ds2's, punctuated by her violent rages, insane accusations, perceived slights, passive aggressive phone calls...and I cut off all contact. It got very nasty and the police had to be involved, but my god am I glad I did it. I haven't regretted it for a second. My dc are happy, well-adjusted teenagers now and I feel getting her out of her lives was the best parenting decision I ever made.

Bit rambly, sorry, and not the same situation as yours - but my point is, you DO have the strength inside you to do whatever your instincts tell you you need to do to protect your daughter and do what's best for her, and for you. You proved that to yourself today. So decide what you think the best way forward is, and if it's ending this relationship and going it alone, you will survive it and you will be happy.

Sounds like the best thing you can do for your baby is leave him. It wont get better with him.

@fraiser I am a lot closer to my grandma than my mother, she brought me up as my mum suffered a stroke when I was 3 and was left with partial paralysis. However, since being pregnant me and my mum have bonded more especially as she has left my step dad which was the reason we drifted so much. However I never tell them when I argue with my boyfriend... or like I said earlier just play it down. Say we had a little disagreement. I think it’s because I don’t want them to think I’ve failed - 19, pregnant and in an unhappy relationship x

Op I have only read your posts so forgive me if I am going over covered ground. This update of yours haunted me a little bit:

It’s al I’ve been thinking about since, when I fall out with him I might say to my family “oh we’ve had a little falling out!”

Please tell your family how he honestly treats you, warts an’ all. Please do not cover for him. Please don’t paint him to others as the man you wish he was. This will not make him into the man you wish he was.

He won’t change. He won’t. Even if he comes good on this, it will happen again. It is who he is. Who his family is.

It’s a MN cliche, but when someone tells you who they are, listen.

Very appropriate cross post.

@Greensleeves thank you 💚 If I wasn’t pregnant I would’ve completely crumbled by now. I honestly don’t think I’d be here anymore. She’s literally my whole reason for living - I want her to have a better childhood than I did and not let men bully and inimidate her like I have. It’s just hard to take these first steps towards getting out x

I didn’t leave him which was my mistake.I was he pretty much made me feel so worthless like I couldn’t do any better him and I didn’t want to split the family up. God do I wish I went on MN then. He cheated on me and left me and do you know what it was the best thing he did op. He even became interested again when I lost loads of weigh ( I didn’t really need to lose) and became a size 6. It was all just a game to him. I’m happily married been with dh almost 8 years and another two dc and couldn’t be happier.

@Dancingmonkey87 so glad I decided to post on MN. Always scroll through and google problems related to mine on MN but never actually posted. Xx

I think it’s because I don’t want them to think I’ve failed - 19, pregnant and in an unhappy relationship

Op I played things down too I didn’t tell my parents the half of and it and felt like I didn’t want to be seen as a failure either but I wasn’t and your not either if anything your stronger than you think especially when you come out of it looking on the other side.

You haven't failed, princess, for a million reasons. Not least of which is that your life isn't finished yet! When I left my fiancé it wasn't until I actually said "but he never actually hit me" in all seriousness to my DM that I realised the relationship was abusive. Sometimes it is just so hard to see when you are on the inside. You and your daughter really do deserve a better life than this, and you have so much time to make a good life for the two of you.

I also think you need to leave. If he's this horrible to you now, do you think sleepless nights and a crying baby are going to make him any nicer? It will only get worse. Please find the strengrh to leave, you can cope alone and will be much less stressed and will find being a mother much easier without an absolute arsehole to contend with

Thanks all for your support. He text me asking if he should come back and speak to me. I said he won’t be raising my daughter if he thinks his behaviour (esp today) is ok as she’s not being brought up thinking that’s how men should treat her. Or anyone for that matter

I know his Nan would be fuming at him right now. She wants me to give the baby my surname, and him to step up more (they know what he’s like , just not the full extent ) . His grandparents also said if I ever needed anywhere to go, I was welcome there.

Sweetie you haven't failed at all. He's the one failing to step up and be a man. Go and tell your Mum and Gran. If you were my girl I'd definitely have your back and I'd much my prefer my daughter to be a happy single parent than saddled with some man child loser.

I honestly think some time away from him to just breathe and think might do you the word of good. Just a couple of days with him staying at him mums might help to clear your head a bit. Peace and quiet does you the world of good, especially when pregnant.