Cheeky mother in law 😡 Need advice

[princesspxx]

Ahhhh i am fuming today and need a rant and a bit of advice really. So I’m nearly 27 weeks now, and booked a 4D scan for me and my partner to go to to see our little girl.

It’s been a bit of a difficult week, I’ve been uncomfortable/tired and quite anxious etc so this was a way of relieving some of that anxiety. So anyway, my partners mum rang us asking if his little sister could go with us, she’s 5. Hesitantly I said yes as I was put on the spot over the phone.

After thinking about it, I thought first of all maybe it’s not appropriate (if something came up on the scan etc how would we explain that to her?), and like I said before I was anxious and just wanted me and my partner to go. So I texted his mum and explained that I wasn’t sure if his sister should come or not and explain why, she was nice to me and said okay let her know tomorrow (which is the day of the scan).

Next thing I know, she’s at my door and his little sister is asking whAt time we are going to see the baby!! It really took me off guard. Anyway next thing I know his mum is storming out the house telling her daughter she can’t go to the scan. My partner has fallen out with me and said he wasn’t going either as I was horrible to not “let” his sister go. Even though I never promised her OR said she wasn’t going. I never said anything to her.

So unfortunately I went to the scan by myself. Everything fine but I really wanted him there and it upsets me that this has caused such a big falling out. It also pisses me off that his mum is now slagging menoff for “letting her daughter down” and apparently not making a big enough fuss over her and taking her. They’d left before I even said one word!!!

Honestly, I just needed a rant. His mum has a bad habit of giving something (she paid some money towards the scan which we didn’t know about till she text saying she had put money in the bank) basically so we would take her daughter with us, who’s off school poorly with a stomach bug so To me , if she’s off school sick she’s too poorly toncome to a scan and have a day out. Not to mention his other siblings would feel left out.

I feel like a complete bitch now but I made it clear to my partner I just wanted us to go, but apparently that’s an awful thing to do and now I’m left alone upset whilst he goes to his mums and they slag me off :(

@agedknees Baffles me really, she’s been off school sick for 3 days seems to have upset stomach and a cough/cold. Her mum asked us last night to take her, so it feels like she only kept her off school today thinking we would basically babysit her.

It certainly is horrible princess. I have, ashamedly tolderated it before but I won't now I am carrying his child. Do you live together?

Firstly the “at least I don’t hit you” thing is a threat.

Secondly, the going on your own is not a small thing, it’s a huge thing, and the start of meny other brave things you will do for your daughter. Well done.

wow

Stand up for yourself love, you can't let him treat you like that and embarrass you to your friends and his mother - ganging up on you as well. bullying twats.

I'd leave his sorry arse at his mothers and let him rethink his attitude towards you.

Crikey, sounds like you would have been taking two kids along, good luck with that one! But I hope you enjoyed seeing your beautiful baby.

Btw if my husband sided with his family over me, he could bloody well go back and live with 'em! lol. not completely fair I know, but no way would I be able to stand for that crap! You're pregnant! You come first!

It sounds like a train crash of a relationship. It’s not fair on a child to have a father who verbally abuses their mother. What was he like before you got pregnant?

@pumpkinbump We have just moved into our own house about a month ago. It’s actually been quite happy over all (we always used to stay at each other’s houses, we kind of felt like we lived together already) x

So weird!!! I'd understand if it was her having the baby but nothing to do with his little sister!

They've ruined what should have been a really special day for you!

Sounds like your partner is being ridiculous! He should have had your back!

Just stand your ground! So childish to have a hissy fit like that when she's not getting her own way!!

And you should tell your family so you've got a bit of support xxx

I took my 2 oldest children to a private sexing scan. The baby had unfortunately died. I’ll never forget their little legs swinging on the chairs, looking expectantly at the screen, with the baby not moving and no heartbeat. It was heart breaking.
You did the right thing.

@IthinkThatsweird he’s always been like this. Unfortunately. I feel silly saying that, we’ve been together just over a year.

You rock, OP! I love that you are taking control, for your own sake and your DD's.

Your partner is being a wanker. I hope he mans up and learns to treat his partner with the respect she so evidently deserves.

My advice is to text mother in law and say
You are a private person and the scan was meant to be for you two, to help bond with the baby, as well as reassure yourselves that all is well. In the event that it wasn’t you couldn’t imagine trying to take care of a five year old as well as console each other.
As you upset her, you have transferred the money back.

As for you partner, tell him stress like this is not ideal for a pregnant woman, and tell him if he doesn’t learn to be supportive, he won’t be at the birth.

I can not stand people who think they ‘own’ a part in a pregnancy and because you are carrying their neice/grandchild/other relative, they should be involved in such private events.
You need to set the boundaries now or you will end up with a situation where mil wants to be at the birth/won’t get out of your hair in the first few weeks post delivery.

Please leave this idiot! You’re better off without him and his stupid family. Sending you hugs

I know you only wanted a bit of sympathy and a rant, so here’s a (((Hug))) and 💐 if you want some advice...read on.

Leave him now.

I know you’re both young and that you love him, but he will continue to verbally abuse you and I would put good money on him hitting you in the future. He’s TOLD you as much ‘At least I don’t hit you’ is telling you that he could, and he will, if you don’t ‘behave’.

I know he’s young and allowances should be made, but that only goes so far - not going to the scan because he’s pissed off and shouting & swearing down the phone at you is completely unacceptable. You should have to,d his best mate & gf what happened & handed his best mate to him, to listen to the abuse. Don’t cover up for him.

Leave. Leave while you can, before you’re even more ground down by him, 3 kids under 4 and being abused daily.

I don’t want to sound patronising, but you are only 19, it’s so very young, don’t tie yourself to an idiot like this. Protect yourself and your DD. There are a lot of options out there for teenage Mums, there really are.

Give your DD YOUR surname, you will always be there for her, he probably will not.

What are your living arrangements?

Your mil is the least of your problems. Your partner sounds volatile, emotionally manipulative and selfish. These are not qualities you want in your (or your dds) home.

He might be a man legally and biologically, but he is still a child in all other senses. He is nowhere near mature enough to be a father. Still doing as his mum says, running back home when required to put his child and partner first, slagging you off right left and centre......He has a LOT of growing up to do and it isnt going to happen any time soon, especially with his mother standing over his shoulder.

Sorry to say that the only way you are going to get even close to a happy ending is on your own. Stay with this dickhead and things are only going to get worse.

He doesn't hit you.

Yet.

Please talk to your midwife about his behaviour towards you. Abuse often gets worse in pregnancy and once a baby is born.

Agree with PPs

Give your baby YOUR SUR NAME

And dont take him with you to register the baby.....

was tempted to ring him and ask him to run down but thought no fuck it. He CHOSE not to come. He knows I wanted him to. X

Good for you. Keep thinking things like this. You sound great!

I'm so sorry OP.. this sounds like an appalling experience from beginning to end for you... I agree with everyone on here.. this is not good

he basically said it wasn’t fair on his sister, if she couldn’t go he wasn’t.

WTF? He's your partner! I can see how this (batshit) attitude will translate into a million other situations which will ruin the life you want to have over the next few years if you let it.

As PPs have said, he's under his mother's control and it's only going to continue causing drama. TBH, even without her involvement, I would question his commitment to you on the basis he put his little sister's needs before yours.

The 'at least I don't hit you' attitude and the verbal abuse says all you need to know, OP. Get out as soon as you can.

I'm sorry OP. They were all completely out of order and you handled it well.

I hate to say this but this relationship is not going to last. The only question is whether you slug it out for another year or so or not. He is way to immature to be an effective partner or father from what you have written. He also sounds horrible. This isn't going to get any better when you have a newborn. I second other posters' advice. Make your plans and get out now. You'll be better off away from him and his horrible mother.

Just read that you're only just 19.

Look, I was in your shoes (having a baby with an abusive unreasonable man who was more inclined to please his mother than to please me) and I was 32. I think I felt I had to settle for a verbally abusive man at my age because I'd been hoping and waiting for a boyfriend who'd commit for a long time before that. Boy did he commit. He was like a jailer.

Please believe me and the hundreds of others on here, it doesn't get better. The sort of man who will verbally abuse his pregnant girlfriend because she didn't do what his mammy said cannot be talked in to behaving decently and respectfully.

Wherever he's at right now, he's not ready to be a partner. He won't meet you in the middle. He won't put himself in your shoes. He won't be kind to you when you need kindness. When you're distressed and at a scan on your own, he'll verbally abuse you.

Please don't put yourself through this. It NEVER gets better. They never suddenly acknowledge that they're being abusive.

Enjoy your baby without the stress of trying to push water uphill keeping him happy and civil

I wasted the first few years of baby's life trying to tiptoe around my x and I left him anyway in the end. I would have bonded better and been much happier and enjoyed my DD more if it had been just the two of us but I was too ashamed to admit that I'd picked a wrong un.

But I did. I picked a wrong un. It happens. But make sure you walk away.