Cheeky mother in law 😡 Need advice

[princesspxx]

Ahhhh i am fuming today and need a rant and a bit of advice really. So I’m nearly 27 weeks now, and booked a 4D scan for me and my partner to go to to see our little girl.

It’s been a bit of a difficult week, I’ve been uncomfortable/tired and quite anxious etc so this was a way of relieving some of that anxiety. So anyway, my partners mum rang us asking if his little sister could go with us, she’s 5. Hesitantly I said yes as I was put on the spot over the phone.

After thinking about it, I thought first of all maybe it’s not appropriate (if something came up on the scan etc how would we explain that to her?), and like I said before I was anxious and just wanted me and my partner to go. So I texted his mum and explained that I wasn’t sure if his sister should come or not and explain why, she was nice to me and said okay let her know tomorrow (which is the day of the scan).

Next thing I know, she’s at my door and his little sister is asking whAt time we are going to see the baby!! It really took me off guard. Anyway next thing I know his mum is storming out the house telling her daughter she can’t go to the scan. My partner has fallen out with me and said he wasn’t going either as I was horrible to not “let” his sister go. Even though I never promised her OR said she wasn’t going. I never said anything to her.

So unfortunately I went to the scan by myself. Everything fine but I really wanted him there and it upsets me that this has caused such a big falling out. It also pisses me off that his mum is now slagging menoff for “letting her daughter down” and apparently not making a big enough fuss over her and taking her. They’d left before I even said one word!!!

Honestly, I just needed a rant. His mum has a bad habit of giving something (she paid some money towards the scan which we didn’t know about till she text saying she had put money in the bank) basically so we would take her daughter with us, who’s off school poorly with a stomach bug so To me , if she’s off school sick she’s too poorly toncome to a scan and have a day out. Not to mention his other siblings would feel left out.

I feel like a complete bitch now but I made it clear to my partner I just wanted us to go, but apparently that’s an awful thing to do and now I’m left alone upset whilst he goes to his mums and they slag me off :(

It's not up to you to help him with his anger. Can you see that? It's one of those things that only he can deal with. And - to be frank - if you dump him it might be the kick up the pants he needs to tackle it. By putting up with it, you're telling him that's the way to be.

He mentions hurting you? Is this really the life you thought you'd have? Is this the person you want in the same house as your baby?

It's often said on here and I think it's worth looking at now - what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? How did your parents get on? What makes you think you need to put up with someone who threatens to hit you?

Fuck that!
Speak to your family I bet you find that they know more than you think.
Leave. Get out before you have the baby.

You and the baby should be his priority and it doesn’t sound like you are. I’d get rid of him before baby comes because I don’t see him getting any better.

@pumpkinbump It’s horrible isn’t it. I don’t think he understands the effects of mums emotions on the baby. I sometimes get horrible little cramps in my belly if I’m really upset. X

He sounds like a child ruled by his mother.

I would be very cool with him OP. Although heartbreaking you did well to go on your own, your mama tiger is coming out! Keep it going and let him know by your actions that you put your baby first (he puts his mother and sister first) and that you are a grown up, about to be a parent, and have no time for his sulks.

Start how you mean to go on. Your baby, your rules.

@MyBrilliantDisguise Sorry I didn’t quite make clear , he doesn’t threaten to hit me he kind of shows off that “hey at least I’m not a man who beats you up!”.

I grew up without a dad, had an abusive step dad for a few years in my early teens and I think this is why I’m quite scared of men, and standing my ground. X

Wow, he seriously needs to grow up his behaviour had been completely unacceptable. He went in the huff and chose not to support his pregnant partner or to see the scan of his unborn child.
I don't say this lightly, but what kind of father is he going to be? Because his mum isn't happy he's taken it out on you. You have honestly done nothing wrong, his behaviour is deplorable.

In regards to the scan, I'd doubt a 5 year old (who wasn't yours) would even be allowed in, the fact she is sick makes it 10 times worse! She would get bored after 2 minutes and heaven forbid anything wrong was to be picked up that would be horrendous. You could have shown her the pictures/DVD afterwards, its such a personal thing.

I am glad your baby is well and wish you all the luck in the world, but I suggest you seriously contemplate the future of this relationship. He needs to put you first and if he's not willing to do that, then it will only get worse once the baby is here.

@frasier I’m honestly shocked I gathered the courage to go on my own haha! I get bad anxiety and always rely on him to go into town with me etc, he’s like my safety blanket. I even walked to the scan centre instead of driving, which is a big thing for me too. But no, there was no way I was missing seeing my little girl! X

Yeah I even suggested to him that so it’s fair and his other siblings don’t feel left out, we will go round and show them the pics.

One of his mums reasons for her daughter going was that she’s having a rough time with her mum and Dad splitting up. I 100% sympathise. However, taking her to a scan (which she probs would get bored in) doesn’t seem like something to cheer her up to me. I would rather take her out, when she’s better, to the park, or for lunch or shopping! Not to go to a friggin scan ahhh!

A doll??
Fuck i’m Angry on your behalf

I hope you are ok. I think you were well within your rights here, like someone said, it's not a cinema!! You could have shown her a photo instead and that would have been much more appropriate. Your partner should absolutely have your back. The purpose was to help you feel better and should have been something you both did together.
Try not to worry about what they are saying, the priority is you and your daughter!

He's not your safety blanket. He's the opposite.

I think the hard lesson as you grow up is you have to be your own safety blanket. You are ultimately the only person who will put you first. You are having a baby and you have to put her first. Your boyfriend will come second and I don't think he'll cope with that. He sounds immature, selfish and a bully. His mum sounds unhinged. Who would ever take a sick child to a hospital to view a scan? She should be on the sofa under a blanket.

Glad the scan went well

No this is very wrong. You are his pregnant partner. Even if he thinks you are being unreasonable ( which you are not) he shouldn’t be round at his Mums slagging you off. It’s his job to support you.

OK, I'm sorry but I agree with MyBrilliantDisguise. Am guessing your partner's a similar age to you? If so, then unfortunately many men that age are still like little kids .... as evidenced by his childish reaction and immediate deference to his mother. Who, in turn, is treating the pair of you like children - overstepping, being intrusive, shit stirring, ticking you off etc. Difference is, you naturally want to make decisions about your medical needs yourself, whereas HE thinks his mum's (ridiculous and irresponsible) wishes should take precedence. I'd be very concerned what happens next .... his temper and verbal abuse is completely unacceptable, without the added concern he won't have your back and will presumably see nothing wrong in your baby being treated like his little sister's dolly! Please give very serious consideration to separating. He, and his mother, sound horrific.

@CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry ever since MIL found out I was pregnant, it was always you must Name her this, you must get this pram etc. She started to back off when I kept saying no - I will call her this and I’ll have THIS pram. Then it starts again today wth this scan situation she wants control ha!

My partner even messaged her a pic of the baby and she’s already suggesting names the baby “looks like” when she knows full well we have chosen her full name and are very happy with our choice. X

OP, not okay ... stupid auto carrot

That’s because you’re a mother OP. You’ll do anything for your baby.

I hope he’s realised what a big deal it is what you did, might give him the shock he needs.

Where are you now, where is he? Did he speak to him mother after telling you he’d come to the scan place? Os that’s why he changed his mind? Sounds like he is ruled by his mummy.

Dont lie to friends about him! Tell them straight out him mommy was annoyed and he took her side.

Have x posted with you. Your subsequent posts are reinforcing how dreadful they sound. You and your daughter deserve better.

@fraiser As far as I’m aware, his mum stormed off home (said she was getting her phone from the car to me but drove off), I asked him if he was coming with me about a million times he said no, we argued. So I went to the scan myself and he rang me whilst I was waiting asking where about to walk. He never turned up. I got home and he told me that his little sister was heartbroken that I’d let her down and his mum thought whatever of me. She then messaged him asking if the baby was ok and he said yes, ask X to send you a pic. She said no I’m not asking so he sent one and that’s when she starts suggesting names.... ugh! He’s gone to his friends house now and then said he’s staying at his mothers house.

You need to show him you are your own person. That you can cope without him. If he still acts like a tool, then maybe you have some thinking to do.

@princesspxx firstly massive hugs, you are 100% correct and she is just a sad child throwing her toys out of the pram as she didnt get her own way as she clearly is always used to getting (due to the behaviour of your partner)
, he doesn’t threaten to hit me he kind of shows off that “hey at least I’m not a man who beats you up!”.
And this makes it many better?! Just because he doesn't now doesn't mean he wont!! (Sorry to say and i hope he never will) you are one strong momma tiger with her stripes well and truly showing you are thinking of your child and you where able to not only go to the clinic by yourself but you also walked!! A massive well done to you and you do not need him as your safety blanket you are your own safety blanket always remember that!!!

Thanks guys 💛💛 It may only seem small but that first step of not only going by myself, but walking there and back has made me feel better. I had to go outside at one point to walk around to get baby to move and was tempted to ring him and ask him to run down but thought no fuck it. He CHOSE not to come. He knows I wanted him to. X

Retired midwife here. On what planet dos she live on that she thinks it’s ok for a child with a stomach bug to come to a hospital/clinic appointment.

Show her this thread. She’s a stupid person. And your dp does not deserve you.

Verbal abuse is still abuse, and not hitting you is normal and a very (very, very) bare minimum, not something he should be thinking he deserves recognition for.

What you do about your relationship is entirely up to you, but do bear in mind the effects on children on growing up in a household where there is abuse. You've experienced this yourself with the long-term effects of living with your step-father even for just a few years; babies and toddlers are affected as well (there's no such thing as "too young to know").