Scared to tell husband

[Stacey186]

Please help. I feel so lost right now. A few hours ago i found out i am pregnant. I'm shocked. I have taken my pill religiously. I haven't been ill at all so there's no way it could have come out of my system. I just feel totally dumbfounded. It's not sinking in at all. I'm 31, with 2 children from my previous marriage who are 11 and 8 and married now to a man who has his own 2 children from a previous relationship. Neither of us wanted anymore kids with the 4 between us. We don't live together. He moved out in January but we are still together. He has some very serious amger issues and i have refused to let him move back in until he has them under control. Which in all fairness to him, he is now seeing a Doctor and waiting to be referred. But, i have tons of debt, £28,000 actually and cannot afford another baby. I have reduced that debt massively from what it was but i still don't have enough spare cash for a fish and chip dinner once a week, let alone a new baby. Not to mention the fact, i literally do not have the room in my tiny home for a cot or anything else baby related. We are incredibly cramped.but my main issue is my husband. He doesn't know yet, he lives at his Moms so i only see him a few times a week and i want to tell him face to face once i've plucked up the courage but to be truthful i am terrified. I had a scare a few years ago and he asked me what i would do if it turned out i was pregnant and i tols him i'd keep it. he went mental at all. Screaming/shouting, storming about the house. He then packed his things and left (this happens everytime we have a row hence why he's living at his Mom's as i've refused him to move back in until he sorts himself out) he was adament he wanted me to have an abortion. I have no family near by to help me out. I moved away from everyone to be with my now hubby. I don't get on with his family. He early gets his temper and behaviour patterns from them. I feel so lost and have no one to talk to. I'm not sure what to do. Please advise if anyone has been through similar.
Thanks
Stacey

Are you close with your family? Even calling and having this conversation with them may be better.

Incredibly unhelpful info but the pill is not 100% effective. No contraception is tbh if you really don't want any more kids maybe a vasectomy for DH?

Ok so i feel like my view will cause an uproar but here goes. Make your peace with your decision before you tell him. Do you want to keep the baby or not. While i don't necessarily support abortion shit happens. Be aware that that option comes with its own challenges, both mental and physical. And be prepared for the fact that someone somewhere is going to go nutters at you for it.

If you keep the baby you already know the challenges ahead - millions of women do it every day blah blah but you need to decide if YOU can do it. And can you do it without your DH there as there are obviously problems you're working out and may well still be at that point.

You'll possibly get some comments on here that aren't quite so understanding so be prepared for that.

This is a personal choice. No one can tell you the right way to deal with this you are going to have to make your own decisions. I strongly suggest you call your family now and talk to them. They know you best and will hopefully support you.

PM if you want to chat xx

Do YOU want to keep the baby?

You are probably in shock. You don’t have to tell him right away. This sounds like a dangerous situation for you. Is there any way you can think about moving back to be nearer family and support. He doesn’t sound like a man you need in your life.

There’s some great supportive advice on the relationships board.

I dont really have advice im afraid but maybe since he is living with his mum it will be easier to tell him the news & give yous both pace to process and decide what yous both want to do

I agree with @Kitchenbound take some time to decide if you want to keep this baby. See if there is someone less reactionary in real life you can talk to other than your husband.

You do not have to keep this baby if it will ruin your life and the life of your existing children. Although if you keep it you will probably find a way to cope, albeit your money situation will need addressing - maybe talk to the money advice service about what you can do eg an IVA or even bankruptcy depending on how both would affect you such as whether you might need to move and remortgage/get credit checked to go nearer your family/friends.

This is your body, your life and you get to decide either way.

@Stacey186 how do you feel this morning now youve had time to slept on it/had a few hours to process?

Thank you for your replies. I was in bits last night and got very little sleep over it.
My best friend and Mom know. That's it. My Mom's attitude is to "get rid of it" which tbh, isn't helpful. I do understand why she feels that way. She worries about me so much as his family are to put it bluntly, violent riff raff who have made my life hell since moving here. But i needed her to ask me what i wanted. Instead she was asking me how i'd cope with my job with 2 kids and a new baby and reminded me i can't afford anymore childcare. Pointed out how he reacted to just a scare. That my anxiety has been through the roof with how he's treated me and to add hormones and a new baby and higher money outgoings would make it worse. She also knows just how bad my Husbands temper is. I'd just like to point out that he has never ever hit me but his temper is frightening. He screams in my face. He's a big guy who towers above me but even with that, i am no doormat and do stand up to him. If he ever did hit me, i'm not the type to sit and cry about it. I'd swipe back but i don't feel wht he does is right so that's why i haven't allowed him to move back in since his last outburst. Saying all that makes me feel guilty as it paints him in a very bad light. He is a good Husband in most ways. He works hard at his job and is fantastic with his boys and my girls. For the most part, very loving with me. His anger is something from out of a film though. You have to see it to believe it.

During the scare i mentioned, when he flipped. I asked him to have the snip then and was honest, that if i ever did fall pregnant i'd be terrified of telling him but he point blank refused. Told me it would make him feel less of a man and that his equipment already doesn't always do as it's told (he gets the occasional floppy on...doesn't bother me. It's his issue that as i'd be happy with just cuddling when his mini isn't co-operative) but he wont discuss his manhood in any way with a doctor anyway. I wont get sterilised. My Mom had it done and ended up in excruciating pain, and eventually had to have a historectomy. I know that can be rare but it's frightened me for life. Where as 2 of my Brothers have both had the snip and were both back in work fine the next day.
I don't know how i feel. It's not something i even imagined happening as i've always been so very careful. Whenever i'm on anti biotics for whatever reason, i make him use a condom or we simply do not have sex. I take the pill on time every single day. I haven't had any sickness or diarrea so i suppose maybe that's why i'm finding it harder to come to terms with because it's just not something that i was concerned about happening. I really have no idea if i want this baby or whether i can even cope with going through another pregnancy. My youngest, was mega tough on me whilst carrying her. It put me off for life. All sorts is going through my mind. I don't drive so would have to walk almost 3 miles and back twice a day doing the school run with a pram with my other 2 which may sound silly but i thought how on earth would i cope doing that if i had a c-section. There is a part of me that thinks somehow i'd cope but there's so many negatives. I'm very much pro-choice but never thought i'd find myself in this situation with how careful i am.
As for money, i've never needed to go into some sort of debt management. I have managed to keep to minimum payments and then do higher payments on the biggest to help bring it down and wanted to keep my credit rating good so i'd pass a credit check if ever i needed to move house as i have no hope ever getting in with the council.
I also don't want to be selfish where my other children are concerned. They've moved around enough thanks to me being immature when i was younger. I don't want to put them through another School move so i feel i need to stay here regardless of what happens.
I feel like a lost and scared school girl if i'm honest. My Husband is coming over tonight. He always stays on a Thursday. I have no idea how i'm supposed to act around him. I'm not very good at faking being ok. He will know something's up with me.
Sorry for such a long post. I just feel so alone. X

Oh OP this is so hard for you! What about your BF can you talk to her without her telling you what to think?

Also be very careful telling your husband as he may not have hit you yet, but the most common time for a man to hit his partner for the first time is when she is pregnant with his child. Depressing fact. You say you'd swipe back but he will be bigger and stronger than you so that's not a solution. Maybe having another adult there would be better.

Clareb83, he's much stronger than me, admitadly. I'm tiny at 5ft 4 and weigh about 8 stone 10 lb. He's 6ft 2 and 13 stone. But i can honestly say he's never been physically rough with me. Maybe i'm being naive in the thought that i don't think he would but my first Husband was violent. The first time i was so shocked, i did nothing. The second time i fought back and he come off worse which i'm not proud of but i wont be a battered wife for anybody. I kicked him out after that and divorced him as i realised how stupid i had been letting him stay the first time so if my now hubby did hit me, i'd call the police in a heart beat and end it immediately. I just can't help but think i stupid i truly am. I lead with my heart...always and that's how i've put my all into this and stupidly moved away from my Mom. My Brothers and i aren't close. I have no sisters. My Dad died 7 years ago. My best friend is male so has no idea about pregnancy and what it can do to you emotionally aswel as physically and he is also gay and isn't interested in having children of his own, altho does treat mine like they are family but he understands that my Husband doesn't want anymore. As do i. But it's happened now and i just have no idea how to deal with this where both me and my Husband will be happy with the outcome. I feel ashamed, embarrassed to go to the Doctors to even ask for advice about this. My regular Nurse who was more compassionate and like a normal human rather than just a medical professional has left else i'd have made an appointment to see her just so i could talk to her and find abit of peace with whatever discison i made. There's a huge part of me that doesn't feel like an abortion is something i could personally do but how on earth does such a weak woman like me get through how hard this can really be with no support locally to me what so ever. I have my children here. That's it. X

It doesn't sound like you are a weak woman at all, seeing how you got rid of your last abusive partner so quickly and have made your current husband move out until he can deal with his anger.

It sounds like you are a strong woman in a difficult situation.

I'm pro choice but not sure I could ever do it myself. It sounds like you're similar. Your head is pointing out all the difficulties but then you can't quite accept the idea of aborting. I really think you need more time before discussing with your husband or making a decision.

Can you get some time to yourself? Maybe get someone to look after your girls at the weekend and go for a long walk, sit down with your finances and do some planning, think through how it would work with and without your husband involved?

I can't really get any alone time. My family all live away and the girls Dad only visits them a few times a year.
I'm going to go for a walk now actually. Think it may clear my head abit. Atleast i'm not crying and shaking from the shock anymore although really, it still hasn't sunk in. Thank you so much for talking to me x

Stacey x Do you have a contraception clinic near you? I know that sounds daft, but you could maybe go and speak with a nurse or Dr there, for an unbiased opinion and they can also refer you on if you decide not to continue with your pregnancy, or even just for more advice/counselling.

I agree with Clare, you sound incredibly strong x We just don't always recognise our strengths, when we are in the situation.

Please be kind to yourself and give yourself some time and space to consider all of your options, don't feel rushed or forced into making decisions xo

You are 100% not a weak woman after everything you have been through with your first hubby and then making your current hubby move out so he can deal with his problems!!! @Sushirolls that is a great suggestion!!

This is a really difficult situation. I think the most important thing to start off with is to work out what you want to do about the pregnancy. Then when you know tell him. If you are worried about his reaction try to tell him either in a public place or with someone else with you. If you decide that you want to continue this pregnancy please don't let him or anyone else bully you into an option that you don't want.

While it might seem overwhelming there are options when it comes to the managing of your debt. I don't know if you have CAP centre for you but I have worked with people who have found them so helpful when it came to both practical and emotional support and also help with debt restructuring.

You are not a weak woman. Don't let anyone convince you that you are.

If i do decide to go ahead, i wont be bullied by nobody. I'll just do it alone if need be. Problem is, i have no idea how i'll do it alone. How i'd buy everything a baby needs, i haven't a clue. Bottles, steriliser, baby clothes, cot, pram etc. How i'd afford childcare once i'd go back to work. How i'd get my girls to and from School, it's such a long walk and i imagine i'd need another c-section which frightens me. It's those things that scare me about doing it alone.

He's texted me not long back telling me he's had an awful day at work and that he'll fill me in with the details later. Which cofuses me more as to whether i tell him tonight or not. I feel sorry for men in many ways. They really do have no say. If the man wants to keep baby, and woman doesn't. She gets an abortion. If she wants it and he doesn't, she keeps it. But i did everything i possibly could to prevent this happening. I am very happy with my 2 girls but i am thinking more and more that one way or another, i'd find a way to manage. So i don't know how i can keep everyone happy and not be entirely selfish about this.

Thank you everyone for your support. I really don't have anyone constructive to talk to. It's helped just being able to air it all.
I do have a family planning service in the town. Should i just pop in or are those places appointments only? I usually just have my pills from my doctors surgery so never needed to go anywhere else.

Some services require an appt, some have walk ins, others a mix of the two. As it could be seen as more urgent given that you may not want to proceed, they may squeeze you in, even if they`re appt based only x

Sorry you are in this situation OP, you sound very strong and rational. My advice though, please don't tell him tonight. You haven't made your mind up yet, and you know he's already had a bad day so may get angry. If I was you I'd probably cancel, say one of the kids is unwell and buy yourself some time to get your head around it. Be careful OP

Thats a good idea cancel and buy yourself a little more time so you can think more and until he is in better mood however of he does cal tonight let us know how it goes whatever you decide to do tonight

He's here. I've just run him a bath. I've totally chickened out telling him anyway. The look on his face as he walked in tonight said it all and then he told me that he's looking at losing his job. Just to make a bad day worse ay.
He knows somethings up with me, but i've told him i'm just not feeling well tonight. Little white lie. I think everyone who has said to wait, is right. Although it may be sslfish of me to keep it from him but i need to decide what i am going to do as ultimately, it's me who is going to be left doing it all anyway. X

Sorry meant to say i would cancel but i don't like making out the kids are ill. Always feel like i'll jinx them. Lol.
Just wish i could get it off my mind though, i feel like he's talking to me and i'm hearing him but i'm not fully registering the conversation as this is on my mind. X

I think your right to leave telling him tonight its not the right time wait until the dust settles and that gives you more time to think did your walk help a all earlier?

Not really. Nothing is any more clearer now than it was earlier. I'm going to be very practical tomorrow and make a list of the challenges i face whether with my Husband or not and then see if i can wiggle different things about. If i can then i shall be keeping baby. If not, then i have to be realistic about the kind of life i can offer it at this stage in my life when everything is going wrong anyway and whether my existing children will have to suffer for it too. X

@Stacey186 sounds like a very good place to start!!

Just thought i'd give you an update. I made my list. Lol. I've managed to have a wiggle around and i can do this both financially and with space in my home. I've also sorted how i shall sort childcare for going back to work. I still haven't told my Husband, shall be dropping that bombshell tomorrow when he comes. But with or without him, i'm having a baby and have somehow gone from being terrified to actually quite happy.
Telling DH though is going to be a challenge in itself. I am absolutely dreading this!

You sound so head strong OP and congratulations on coming to a decision that's right for you and on your new little bump. I'm sure whatever happens you will continue to be a great mum to your DC's if you were my daughter i would be really proud 💐