Scared to tell husband

[Stacey186]

Please help. I feel so lost right now. A few hours ago i found out i am pregnant. I'm shocked. I have taken my pill religiously. I haven't been ill at all so there's no way it could have come out of my system. I just feel totally dumbfounded. It's not sinking in at all. I'm 31, with 2 children from my previous marriage who are 11 and 8 and married now to a man who has his own 2 children from a previous relationship. Neither of us wanted anymore kids with the 4 between us. We don't live together. He moved out in January but we are still together. He has some very serious amger issues and i have refused to let him move back in until he has them under control. Which in all fairness to him, he is now seeing a Doctor and waiting to be referred. But, i have tons of debt, £28,000 actually and cannot afford another baby. I have reduced that debt massively from what it was but i still don't have enough spare cash for a fish and chip dinner once a week, let alone a new baby. Not to mention the fact, i literally do not have the room in my tiny home for a cot or anything else baby related. We are incredibly cramped.but my main issue is my husband. He doesn't know yet, he lives at his Moms so i only see him a few times a week and i want to tell him face to face once i've plucked up the courage but to be truthful i am terrified. I had a scare a few years ago and he asked me what i would do if it turned out i was pregnant and i tols him i'd keep it. he went mental at all. Screaming/shouting, storming about the house. He then packed his things and left (this happens everytime we have a row hence why he's living at his Mom's as i've refused him to move back in until he sorts himself out) he was adament he wanted me to have an abortion. I have no family near by to help me out. I moved away from everyone to be with my now hubby. I don't get on with his family. He early gets his temper and behaviour patterns from them. I feel so lost and have no one to talk to. I'm not sure what to do. Please advise if anyone has been through similar.
Thanks
Stacey

I think you need someone there when you tell him...I also think you need to move back near your family ,and away from him and his family

Congratulations honey, you've made a decision that is right for YOU. Agree with eastersnake - have someone there with you when you tell DH. I only say this as you have said he has anger issues and may react badly. Whatever happens just remember that you've made the right decision. Keep us updated if you need a chat xx

I'm so pleased that you've been able to come to the decision that is right for you, Congratulations 🎉

I definitely agree that from what you've said about his behaviour, that you should have someone with you and maybe even tell him in a public place also? Maybe meet for lunch or dinner?

You've got this 💪 xo

Congratulations OP - you've done so well to work through this all in your head in just a few days.

Agree it's a good idea to have some company there when you tell him. Or do it in public eg a pub.

I've told him. I asked him to come later (so the kids would be in bed and i wouldn't have to fake being ok all day until then) he said he couldn't as he's got the boys all week now as their Mom is on hols. Which means i wouldn't see him face to face alone again until Thursday. I couldn't wait that long. So i phoned him, childish maybe but i weren't going to risk the kids hearing anything if he did kick off.
Anyway, he surprisingly didn't scream and shout at me. Spose he knew i could just put the phone down. However, it was made very clear that he expects me to have an abortion. He had ago at me for keeping it to myself since Wednesday. Then had another go at me for telling my Mom before i told him (he doesn't know i also told my Best Friend) i explained why i went to her first and he didn't care. I've told him that i will give him head space and that he can walk away if that's what he would like and i wont ask him for a thing. That i will get on and do this without him but that obviously i would prefer my Husband by my side but i am more than willing to see this through. He's basically said a flat out no. He's too old (he's 37) and just blatently doesn't want it. That it's just a pill and to go sort it. Now while i am very much pro-choice on the subject of abortion. It is still not "just a pill" in my eyes amd can't help but think he's a little bit of a twat for viewing it as such!

yikes... he is being a bit of a twat!
But do remember you've had a couple of days to process this and it's new to him, so give him a bit of time.
Although from the rest of what you've said he sounds awful sorry...

Good job OP. I know you're strong enough to face whatever other horrible things he says to you.

I haven't heard anything from him since i told him and that was 3 hours ago now. I'm guessing i'm being slagged off to high heaven with his family. Will look forward to bumping into them soon, should be fun. The first sign of trouble from his Mom, Sisters or Brother and i shall call the Police. Maybe i'm panicking for nothing but his Mother in particular is genuinely the most nasty, lying, vindictive evil woman i have ever met in my entire life so i may be facing a whole new battle soon. I have nothing to do with any of them anymore but i have a feeling they will go out of their way to make this harder on me.
I can't thank you all enough for your support. It really has helped me so much just to be able to talk

Well done for making your decision and dealing with the fall out OP, you sound like you won't be bullied into anything which is the only way to be in this situation. Obviously we don't know your relationship, but if it's as bad as it sounds I definitely think you should move closer to your family to get the support you need and create some distance between you and his family. Good luck, and congratulations!

@Stacey186 im glad you have made your decision and found a way to make it work out you are such a strong woman for doing all this!!! And i know its childish but i think ringing him and telling him was the best idea because you had that choice to hang up if needed be and hes a twatbag but give him a few days to process it all and see what his views are then and take it from there

It may not have exploded earlier on but it certainly has now. It's like he's got over the shock and gone full grade A asshole on me!

Are you ok op?

Aww no way @Stacey186 are you okay? Has he been round or just on the phone?

Stay safe 💕 maybe it's worth logging with 101 if you're concerned that things will escalate xo

Sending you all of the hugs! You are so strong for making this decision and even stronger for standing your ground with him.
I wouldn't hesitate the ring the police on any of them, if you feel that it could get out of hand. Why anybody would even attempt to stress out a pregnant woman is beyond me!

You need no stress-inducing people in your life from this point on, and have so much faith in you! Always here, if you need anything!

He turned up here and asked if we could talk. I told him as long as he could remain calm, as the girls were awake that's fine. It started off quite calm with him telling me he doesn't want this at all but will stand by the baby once born. It then went on to him going on and on about how wrong i was to confide in my Mom and wouldn't let it go. To then trying to convince of an abortion again and when i stood firm tried to say he doesn't trust me not to take the baby away from him back to my home town. That thought hadn't crossed my mind at this moment in time. Couldn't believe he would actually give me that crap. I explained in no uncertain terms that i will not nor have i ever given him reason to be believe that i'd split up a father/baby relationship unless i felt i had no other choice. I did say i will go if i start getting harassed by his family but other than that, i have no intention of leaving my job and uprooting the girls from their Schools. To then back to abortion...so i told him to leave. That it wasn't up for discussion and i was having baby with or without him and that he would have to learn to accept that. He left and then started text messages. I've had it pretty much all night on/off. He's still in shock i guess. I can't exoect him to come to terms with it immediately. Hell i didn't. But at the same time i don't deserve abuse for something that i did everything i could to prevent. He kept on and on about me taking his choice away. I have actually told him repeatadly that if he wants to walk away, i can't bash him for it with how clear he's been about this from day one...me too actually. That if that's the case i want nothing from him. For him to then say he can't do that. I'm confused by how his mind works! I'm beyond exhausted. Haven't slept the last 2 nights for being shocked, scared of being pregnant again and terrified of telling him etc and this tonight is just crazy. He's in denial too saying i can't be pregnant as we only see eachother twice a week so hardly have sex🙈 then it went to how can i be pregnant, when he always sees me take my pills and that i warn him if i've been ill or what not to take extra precautions. Felt like tearing my hair out at the roots.he also said his ex girlfriend was a better girlfriend than i am a wife because atleast she had the decency to tell him first over her Mom. That hurt me, i'll admit. This woman slept with 2 other men whilst with him, that's the ones she was caught doing it with so could be more, told his Sister that she would rather be with one her stripper friends than him(she organises male stripping events) so yeah, that bloody hurt. Apparently his Mom is going nuts about it. Maybe she should let her 37 year son grow up for a change and tell him to man up! Sorry for ranting. Thought i'd feel abit more relaxed when i didn't hear from him for a few hours.

He also told me not to tell work or anyone else. I explained i have to tell work on monday as my job is physical and a risk assessment needs doing for him to ask me why i would do that when i might miscarry anyway?! And that also, i need a formal Doctors test. I had to explain to him that Doctors don't do tests unless you're unsure and shop bought tests are just as accurate. Which he argued blind about and when i stopped answering him kept repeatadly calling my mobile so i turned it off then turned to the house phone. He needs to see a Doctor himself to come to terms with this i think!

I'm sorry hes behaving like that but hopefully once he has had a couple days to process it all it will calm down... well done you for sticking to your guns though you're one strong lady!

He may only be saying so many nasty things to you because he feels like he's lost control. Contraception isn't 100% effective but in all honesty he may not realise that 🙁. Turn your mobile off unplug your landline and get a decent sleep xx

I hope you eventually got some sleep OP and well done on dealing with all his shit last night. That was a big step, seeing him face to face for the first time after telling him. Good work.

Why on earth would you stick with him? He sounds terrible to be with, let alone live with!
Do you really want your baby and your two little girls being brought up by him, or around him?
You are strong, you don't need him. Please don't let him back into your life.

@Stacey186 I hope you are ok, I can't even imagine being away from my family and having to deal with all of that alone. You are a very strong woman.
I'm really pleased that you have come to peace with your decision and you can be happy and excited for it. I think you had every right to tell your mum first, I would have in your situation.
Stay strong, if your husband and his family start to get too much, make sure you speak to people or the police, you shouldn't have to put up with any harassment xxx

I haven't heard anything else from Hubby. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing at this point. Barely slept again and considering i have no morning sickness or other pregnancy ailments to moan about yet, i should be able to sleep! Stress is getting to me.

I can't even imagine whats going on in your mind! I really dont have any advice at this point but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. You're so strong and you've done the right thing try not to let his reaction get to you hugs

I think that it's really commendable that you're letting him be in the baby's life, if he wants to be. Obviously, it's a huge thing for both of you to come to terms with. If i was have a think about if he is the right partner for you. Again, you really don't want the stress and, once you figure out your two's situation, you want a relaxed and healthy atmosphere for you and your baby.

I wish you all of the best, you've done so well!