Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

[Bibonks]

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

Please please please look into the damage that repeated abortions can take on your body and the risks of future miscarriage and pre-term birth...

I think your OH is being the selfish one here... you've given up so much already... and put strain and damage on your body and emotions... please don't let him make decisions for you...

Wishing you all the best whatever you choose xx

Don’t do it OP.

My best mates husband forced her into having 4 abortions. She’s never forgiven him and even ten years later hates him for it.

Tell your parents. Get it out there.

It will prevent him from hounding and bullying at least.

Foul man.

I'd have been happy to use condoms all the time, but my husband hates the sensation of them. Tale as old as time

So he's been having unprotected sex with you and expects you to get an abortion every time you get pregnant! You need to LTB regardless of what you decide to do about the baby

OP I'm so sorry to hear your DH is reacting his way. Without knowing him I can't say whether he'll come around or whether he's just being a dick (unfortunately, from what you've said about his dislike of wearing condoms and him calling you selfish for not wanting a third abortion, he does sound like he tends towards the latter).

As for his comment about how things will never be the same between you again if you have the baby, they will surely never be the same between you if he forces you to have a third abortion despite the fact you don't want it.

I'm glad you've felt able to speak to your sister so have someone close to talk to. In the meantime I'd suggest telling him you're keeping the baby (assuming this is what you want), and then go stay at your friends for the night/weekend.
There's lots of antenatal threads on MN with other pregnant ladies who are very supportive, so no matter what happens, you can join one of those and share the experience with other excited people.
I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy, 🤞🏻with a DH who is equally happy about it all once the shock has worn off.

Abort the husband, keep the baby.

Someone who says and means "it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'." is not going to make a good father in 5 years time or 50.

Please don't kid yourself into thinking he'll change his mind later on or embrace fatherhood like your father did.

You also mention " I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone." which rings alarm bells for me. Is this YOUR choice or his? If he's happy for you to only have him, it could be a sign of an abusive relationship and he wants you isolated.

Please take some time to think about your life and your choices, remove him and his opinions.

For what it’s worth, as I mentioned in my post above my DH and I had a similar(ish) conversation. We were both 29. Admittedly it was to start ttc but I’d always said (since age 19 when we got together) that I wanted children before 30.

He had a total melt down, wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore. Didn’t think he ever wanted children etc etc. Moved out to a friends to think. It was truely awful. He came back after 4/5 days and we managed to agree to start trying in a few years. I can only imagine that he may have said similar things to your DH if I was actually pregnant.

Anyway, 5 years on from there and we have a 2 year old DD who is the absolute joy of our lives. He loves her more than anything (and he wasn’t even that convinced when she was a few months old). We’re both very excited to be having our second.

I just wanted to say, talk to your DH. He’s being an absolute arse right now, but I don’t think it necessarily means he’ll never want children and your relationship is over. People can change. Do not compromise and have an abortion, tell him the baby is happening. Hopefully he will come to terms with it, don’t totally dispair. Men can be idiots sometimes and say awful hurtful things, especially when faced with something as terrifying as a child but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will be terrible dads or husbands. If he means that much to you and is otherwise a good person then persevere.

Your marriage might survive a baby. But I don’t think it would survive another abortion and any potential failures to conceive in 5/10 years - or whatever arbitrary deadline he comes up with.

It doesn’t sound like he wants children, my love. If he did, there would be shock, maybe even anger, then acceptance and excitement at your news. It’s ok to be blindsided by a pregnancy. Even good news can come at a bad time. But some of the things he’s said are vile.

Is he ordinarily quite controlling? Or does he struggle when things don’t go to plan? It would be nice if such things COULD be planned. But it’s so very naive of him to assume you can just turn on the baby switch when he dictates.

And as for the condom thing... I don’t know. You say he’s a good man and we have to believe you, but he’s letting you down badly here.

If I wanted children, I wouldn’t sacrifice the chance to have them for the sake of a man. I’m maybe not much of a romantic. But men are 10 a penny. Children are a gift.

either double up on methods or him have the snip
Even the snip isn't foolproof a relative became pregnant after her partner had had this procedure.
There is no such thing as the perfect time to have a baby BTW.
Yes you can make plans -but they can be changed. If your OH is serious about you staying together then I think it's his turn to compromise this time!

I'm not sure if this is useful...I never planned a child (until my second!)or thought I would ever have children.

I got pg by mistake, essentially. At the time, my partner and I were going through massive difficulties, caused by him being an unutterable arsehole (long story).

I was in the 'fog' of my relationship, I was trying to fix it all, to fix us. I questioned whether I should bring a child into a mess (so, not at all stable like you are saying you are).

I was totally confused. I was encouraged by him to have an abortion. He was vile about it, cold, in a similar sounding way to your dp.

I went to a clinic. I saw my child inside me on a screen. I didn't do it.

My beautiful child is 10 now.

My point is-I think your instincts are telling you what to do, please don't ignore them. I very very nearly did so, and I thank god that I listened to myself in the end. The pressure from that bastard was relentless.

Also, I went to the maternity wing of my local hospital while I was trying to decide what to do (sounds mad I know, in a way it was).

I talked to a wonderful nurse there who obviously thought 'we've got a right one here', but nevertheless she took me into a room and we talked for half an hour. She said lots of sensible things, but the thing that always stuck with me was her saying to me 'well, whether you keep the baby or not, it sounds to me like you should get rid of your boyfriend'.

Nail on head.

I did eventually throw him out, thank all the gods. He never sees the child that he so wanted me to get rid of.

This man does not sound like your friend. He wants it all his own way.

In my experience this is as much about cutting through the denial you are in about how great your relationship is, as it is about a baby.

Congratulations. Maybe he will come round, but be prepared to go it alone with your beautiful child.

Hi OP, I hope you are OK. I'm not sure how much I have to add really. I think you are making the right decision in keeping the baby. I got pregnant on the first try at 28 and again at 30. For various reasons we waited until I was 35 to try again. Two years and four miscarriages later we still don't have our third baby - I always took my fertility for granted but I realise now what a gift it was.

Your husband doesn't sound like a good man from the way he has behaved towards you. Maybe he will come round but either way I think if you want this child you should keep it. I also think you should tell your mum - if your husband does come round and is willing to play happy families then surely your mum of all people will understand - but for now you need her support as the next few months are potentially going to be very hard for you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Your husband seems to be forcing you think choose between him and your baby.

I'd pick the baby.

I'd also consider your last abortion your 'compromise abortion', if he insists on seeing it like that

If you go ahead and do it because he forces you too won’t you just resent him for it. With resentment won’t you just lose that marriage anyway?

If you want this baby keep it. It’s your body and your choice. It’s a life at the end of the day and not to be thrown away lightly.

Frankly if he wants kids someday (5 years) then what’s the difference. You are married and can support the child.

Don’t do it just because he wants you too. Only if YOU want to.

God, I feel sick reading your posts OP.

Your husband sounds utterly vile, and I agree with the poster on page 2, who said if he is not ready now, as he thinks it will violate your precious life and wreck it beyond belief, then he will not be ready in 5 years either.

What struck me most from your post (apart from this 'flush the baby away' attitude he has!) is how you said ......

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone.

It's weird, and worrying, and sad, and disturbing to read this. If you don't have your husband you are bereft and alone.

Why is this? Have you alienated everyone for some reason? What about family? Friends? Colleagues? Neighbours? ANYone. Surely your husband is not the only person you have in your life. If that is the case, then my heart really goes out to you.

I think you need to seriously look into whether you should be spending your life with this man. He sounds DREADFUL.

Do have the baby if you want it @bibonks. Life is too short, and you are already nearly 30. Fertility starts to diminish quickly from now on.

You obviously don't want an abortion. Not to mention the more you have, the more likely you are doing damage to yourself. It seems to me that if you have an abortion you will definitely regret it. Your husband is the selfish one. You're 29 not 19. I know it might seem impossible without him but please don't do it just to please him. It's alright for men to keep putting off having children but they don't have a major time limit. You sound excited for the baby. Tell your husband that you don't want an abortion and that you aren't being selfish and that the longer you leave it the more likely you are to have complications. It sounds to me like he has no idea about the affect an abortion has on your physical and mental state. It's not him going through it. Please don't be bullied into an abortion that you will almost definitely regret x

So your husband doesn't like condoms because they spoil his pleasure and thinks that abortion is a method of contraception?
And he'll have letters before and after his name to show how clever he is. Good job that cos he sounds like a right twat.

He sounds like the sort of man who expects life to give him what he wants exactly when he wants it. In other words, he hasn't grown up yet. He also seems to have been in a stable long-term relationship for the best part of a decade without having been required to compromise - your description of your contraceptive/pregnancy history sounds very much as if you have accommodated him at every turn and done your best to please him. When is he going to start listening to you and what you need?

By the way, when he says "you're being selfish" I hope you point out exactly the same could be said of him?

I don't want to bitch about my husband to his mother-in-law; it seems kind of low

No, you're a pregnant woman seeking support from her mum. At the moment you're stuck in a echo chamber hearing "it's not the right time", "you're so selfish", "you're ruining my life".

Don't try to manage or police other people's views on his reaction to this at the cost of your own MH. They might think he's a knob, but that is a natural consequence of behaving like one. That's his problem to worry about, and he doesn't seem to give a shiny shit right now. After all, the one person whose opinion he's supposed to value the most in the world is playing second fiddle to his condom-hating penis.

You don't need to tell her the whole sorry tale, but I really think you should confide in your DM.

If you can, please go and stay with a friend or family member for a few days. You need space to really think about what you want to do, away from his influence.

I think whatever you decide, unless he does a complete 180 and has just been reacting out of shock, this is the end of your marriage. Have the abortion and you will always resent him for it. Keep the baby and he will resent you. I'm sorry OP.

It is clear your H does not want children, not now, not ever. He is stringing you along until such time you might lose interest or it becomes difficult/impossible. Your fertility won’t always be like it is now. Also, you have got a good chance a having an easier birth experience when younger. I don’t know anybody in RL past mid thirties who had an easy pregnancy and straightforward no complications birth. They all had some sort of a problem either getting pregnant, while pregnant, interventions during the birth or problems breastfeeding. It is honestly so much easier when younger.

I would not listen to your H, he has a different life agenda to yours. He doesn’t want anybody or anything to cramp his style, now or in 10 years time. And to be honest a man who sends the woman he supposedly loves to have an abortion without as much as a twinge of grief or regret, twice(!), that tells you all you need to know. Wake up before it is too late!

This could have been me once upon a time. Have the baby. You're right about your parents needing to become grandparents before it's too late. My amazing dad was in a wheelchair by the time I had mine and it was terribly sad for him as he had no other grandchildren. Also, fertility declines with age and you could find yourself needing IVF just to have one, and if you want it to have a sibling it may well become too late for that to be doable. Who knows when your husband will consider himself ready to have children? In the old days people just had to get on with things and so they did; otherwise half the men in the world would never reproduce. Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans. Amen to that.

You didn't cheat on him just to get pregnant. He wants to end a life you want to sustain. Ouch. Sounds like he's been using you actually to take responsibility over contraception, to bear the burden of all the important decisions. He's not a grown-up person and he knows it, and his fear could really damage you psychologically and for life if he makes you take a bad decision. It will also damage him badly, though he's too stupid to realise it. You're the one with the positive natural feelings at the moment and you should just go with it and draw inspiration from the kind people in your life who have gone down that route themselves and feel that love has enriched everything for the good. On this sort of issue you have to realise you are actually right. (And this is a very pro-choice place I am coming from).

Once you announce you are keeping the baby it's not impossible that he will come round to fatherhood and it will change him into someone quite different and better, less obsessed with his own career perhaps, but he will still find himself working all hours because he wants to provide for the little person he loves, pretty much like what happened with your dad and my OH. There are many academics and people with other hard careers who manage to have families. 29 is certainly a great age to become a dad. IMO the only man I know who didn't warm to fatherhood wasn't worth it in the slightest, so it was no harm done when the inevitable happened and he left her for the younger model. They had had a long relationship too.

Whatever you do become your baby's best advocate from the off. Tell family and friends as soon as you can so DH can't railroad you into a termination if it's not what you want. By the way, he is not your best friend. It is just that you have been together 9 years and you have become dependent on him. Take a deep breath and get on with having the baby. From now on your DH comes a distant second, especially if he is not supportive, but you will find that actually quite liberating because you will become filled, I hope, with a quiet power. There is nothing like being a mum to turn you into a lioness.

You sound lovely and I can only say congratulations.

He doesn't want children, lovey. You clearly do. Being honest, I think whatever choice you make is going to mean the end of your marriage. And that's a real headfuck when you're pregnant and your body is filling with hormones. Talk this through with your family and friends, you have to make the decision that you can live with for the rest of your life. A man who refuses to accept responsibility for contraception then throws his toys out of the pram when the inevitable happens really doesn't have a lot of say in it. I'm so sorry you're going through this .

It seems your husband forces you to into decisions by pressuring you and threatening to remove his love for you. Then you seem to automatically take on all responsibility for it 'I took the decision' so you are left with all the guilt. He's like a big toddler himself, I can see why you'd be hesitant to take on another child. He doesn't fancy sharing you with anyone else. They'd get all the attention.
Not really balanced is it? Now it's your turn to make a decision.
Tell him you think he should get counselling to help him with his fears for becoming a father.

Honestly OP, I understand where you are coming from.

My partner completely freaked out when I told him I was pregnant, despite the fact it was on the cards in the near future anyway and he’d led me to believe he’d be completely okay with it. We’re both very active people and have a great little life and he had this meltdown about becoming tired, fat and miserable. He also felt that maybe we should ‘put it off’ for a few years. He eventually realised that we wouldn’t be any more ready for a baby in 2, 5 or 10 years time and that actually we’ll probably cope and recover a lot better whilst we are young (similar age to you). What’s really helped is telling our parents very early on and having their support/enthusiasm. I can tell he’s still terrified but he’s definitely much more on board now, even possibly a bit excited.

I really hope your DP can do the same! Feel free to get in touch if you need to chat.