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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

434 replies

Bibonks · 05/01/2018 12:48

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

OP posts:
EastDulwichWife · 05/01/2018 15:49

So sorry OP. What an absolute beast your husband is being. Tell your mum, talk about it IRL - it will help.

I cannot believe a man who cannot be bothered to use contraception expects you to get an abortion. What an arsehole.

Keep the baby if that's what you want. Be prepared to go it alone. I suspect, as others have said, that a man who wants to wait until he's 39 to try for a baby, doesn't really want kids at all.

Lweji · 05/01/2018 15:50

I'd rather live alone with a baby than living alone with a bastard.

I'd give him the choice of being a husband and a parent, or go off on his own.

I couldn't be with someone who forced me to have an abortion, nor with someone who resented our child.

MrsHathaway · 05/01/2018 15:54

Three abortions due to contraceptive failure is just wholly irresponsible.

If it is, it's down to the one who whines about not liking condoms, not the one who has tried bloody everything and got pregnant even when she was doing everything right.

There are other ways to get your dick wet, if that's what matters most to him - maybe someone should have got him a pair of Marigolds and a bottle of lube for Christmas.

ToffeeUp · 05/01/2018 16:00

Wow he is some piece of work, doesn't like condoms but doesn't seem to mind you going through the effects of contraception and 2 abortions. He doesn't really care about you, it is all about him, his needs and wants.

Talk to your mum, your wellbeing is now the most important thing, whatever you decide.

And personally I would ditch the manchild and keep the baby.

Bluebell28 · 05/01/2018 16:03

You need to leave this relationship. Your husband is irresponsible and doesn't want to be a parent. It's up to you top decide if you can raise a baby but it sounds like he isn't going to step up. He may pay maintenance that's a conversation you need to have with him. Your mental health will be suffering and you need to look after yourself and step away from his problems

Baileys123 · 05/01/2018 16:04

You would regret another abortion but you wouldn't regret keeping your baby x

Lweji · 05/01/2018 16:07

If you think it would be too much for you to have this baby alone, that is fair enough. It would make sense, then, for you to have an abortion. But it would be because you decided it, and it was because of how you felt about it.
But it would only make sense if you also got rid of the husband.

RainbowWish · 05/01/2018 16:14

Regardelss of the abortion argument goin on, the first 2 abortions you where accepting that at the time it was the right decision for you.
In this instance you know in your heart you want this baby. And I think if you were to have an abortion it may be the biggest regret you will have. And you may also blame your husband for it.

I hope you do the right thing for you Flowers

cocktailismyfavouritefilm · 05/01/2018 16:14

You need to tell him you would hate yourself if you had an abortion and you would hate him if you had an abortion so there is no way you're having one. Tell him you will give him a little time to get his head round it. Maybe he is just in shock?! Say that he needs to get on board or sod off.

OuchLegoHurts · 05/01/2018 16:17

I just can't believe that you are standing up for your husband at all! It doesn't matter what other nice kind things he does, this one section makes him a horrible person and a serious bully

OuchLegoHurts · 05/01/2018 16:18

One action, sorry, not section

misscheery · 05/01/2018 16:19

Don't, OP. He's a horrible horrible person! Just please don't.... there's a human being in the middle and I am sure you'll love being a mum.

MumW · 05/01/2018 16:25

He has already made the compromise.

He decided that he was willing to risk pregnacy when when he chose to participate in unprotected sex.

Let's face it, natural planning is just about the most risky kind of contraception and using a condom is pretty much the least risky. You almost certainly wouldn't be in this position if he had used a condom every time.

Asking you to compromise your mental wellbeing and undergo a surgical procedure which, by it's very nature, isn't risk free after HE chose not to use a condom for increased personal gratification is not the acceptable behaviour of someone who is supposed to love and care for you. It's plain and simply selfish.

I guess you have to decide whether or not you are prepared to tell him that you are having this baby and he is either with you or he isn't. At least then you'd know for definite how important you are to him.

From what you've written, I can't see a way back from this if you have an abortion and there certainly isn't if he chooses to leave you rather than stay with you and his baby.

SparklyUnicornTractors · 05/01/2018 16:29

Oh love Flowers

I'll join the chorus of most of the gist here: Do what you want to do. I agree it looks like he doesn't plan on ever having children, and its a bit Hmm that he hasn't got the courage to be honest with you about this but expects you to hang around another 5 years on a promise. He isn't treating you very well at all in this.

Realistically, if you have an abortion you regret because he wanted you to, you will never be able to forgive him. If he really doesn't want to be a father then that's also going to damage the relationship. Either way he has chosen to put you and your relationship in a difficult position. So go with your heart.

justjobamb · 05/01/2018 16:30

This is really sad i feel for you! Your husband sounds like a child himself! In 5-10 years time it could be harder to conceive plus you have to think as you get older things wont get easier in any other way which i think he knows and that will be his excuse then
Hope everything works out for you x

AJPTaylor · 05/01/2018 16:32

sad? feel angry.

Fluffychickenmonkey · 05/01/2018 16:34

Poor you, his behaviour is appalling. I recommend that you need to stand firmly and take control. Ask him to move out for a couple of weeks until you age decided whether you want to be with such a cold hearted man child.

HobbyHorseGO · 05/01/2018 16:34

Please don't abort another baby. I'm pro-choice but 3 is just wrong.

Then you aren't pro choice.

Rach5l · 05/01/2018 16:35

Christ what an awful man. Dump him, keep the baby

MrsHathaway · 05/01/2018 16:36

Please don't abort another baby. I'm pro-choice but 3 is just wrong.

Then you aren't pro choice.

Agreed. As opposed to those saying "I'm pro-choice but you don't sound like you want an abortion so perhaps you shouldn't have one" who are talking about a woman's right to make her own reproductive choices...!!

NorthernLurker · 05/01/2018 16:38

I think your husband is actually abusive, not nice, not loving. He is reacting coldly because he hasn't been able to control you in this situation so far. I reckon he will play cold and distant till he persuades you to abort. Then it will be all loving husband again. It wouldn't surprise me if he then accelerated the timescale and did consent to a pregnancy - which for the rest of your marriage will be described as the time he 'let' you have a baby.....run away, run far, run fast.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 05/01/2018 16:45

Rather than tell you that your husband is cruel etc and that you should leave him, I have one very simple piece of advice. Just tell your husband ‘I cannot go through another abortion, I am going to keep our baby.’

Then give him (and yourself) a bit of time. He may be scared shitless. You too! But by being firm and decisive you’re showing him that you’re not going to be swayed, and that you’re definitely responsible enough to have a child.

I honestly think he might come round.

Fragglewump · 05/01/2018 16:48

How horrendous. What a spineless man to not be brave enough that he doesn’t want to ever be a Dad. Do not abort this baby unless you are 100% sure you want to. He sounds awful OP. Follow your heart - you sound like you can do this without him!

heateallthebuns · 05/01/2018 16:48

I would tell your mum. Forget a big happy reveal at 3 months. You need support now. If my child didn't tell me in the same circumstances I'd be devasted. I had to have ivf at 32 and so everyone knew straight away, it's neither here not me there when your mum finds out. Also, so many of my friends needed ivf coz they left babies till their 30s. Now is the right time for you.

Tartyflette · 05/01/2018 16:49

It's clear to many of us that your husband does not want children at all, he never has and he never will. The 'let's wait five years/10 years/whatever' is just bullshit and deflection.
He just hasn't got the guts to admit to you that he will never want children.
But you do. And you want this baby.
So given that, he is the one who now has to choose, not you - your choice is made. His choice is to either stay with you and your baby or lose you both.

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