Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

[Bibonks]

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

Based on how you've described your feelings towards this pregnancy so far I'm another one who is going to say don't go ahead with an abortion, I think you will regret it.

It's not uncommon to have mixed emotions over a pregnancy, my DH and I felt excited, fearful, worried we were making a mistake all rolled in to one but your DH's behaviour goes beyond that. You've had two abortions already, abortions are a last resort not a form of contraception and your DH is completely underestimating what YOU have to put yourself through both emotionally and physically.

I can't help but wonder if your DH will ever be ready for a baby. You're not young in terms of starting a family, you're late 20's. Chances are there will never be a perfect time, there isn't for most people. If you wait for your DH to be ready you will be mid 30's which is fine for him but might not be in terms of fertility for you, especially if you would like to have more than one child.

Put YOUR wishes first. If YOU want to go ahead with this baby then do! Good luck!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I agree with everyone who has said that your husband doesn’t want children and never will. He is being incredibly awful, and since you say he’s usually not awful, his behavior must be coming from very strong feelings of panic and fear. He’s saying every horrible thing he can think of to try to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

I think you have made your decision now so taking some time away over the weekend to allow yourself to begin to feel happy and excited is what you need. When you come back I would firmly tell your husband that the awful nagging has to stop, because every conversation you have about this is going to damage your relationship more.

I think the sooner you shut down all discussion, the sooner he can start to mentally adjust the fact that he is going to be a father, whether he likes it or not. I really don’t think this man is ever going to agree to have a baby with you. So you’ll have this one, you might still get a happy outcome where he falls in love with the child when it’s here. I honestly think that’s quite likely. So don’t let him ruin your love for him by being a bastard to you now.

Good luck.

Good grief you poor woman. He doesn't want babies but doesn't like the sensation of condoms?? And you? Did you like the sensation of hormonal contraception that fucked you up or coils that gave you cysts?

He doesn't sound bad, he is bad. There are compromises in life but this really does not sound like one. Have your lovely baby and they will be your family and your world. I'm glad your getting away for a bit - you're still young and you sound sorted and clever so don't go back to him and waste any more of your precious life (or the one inside you right now).

And please do talk to your mum and his mum and anyone else you want to. This is not something you can sweep under the carpet. Whatever happens you will not forget this time so don't hurt yourself further by pretending it did not happen with you family.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, babies are absolutely amazing and are fine without dads - I was.

OP you really have tried nearly every contraceptive method going to the detriment of your own health including enduring two abortions. The natural method has been a foolhardy choice borne through desperation to protect your own health, please ignore the posters that have been particularly unkind while knowing your history still saying you chose abortion as a method of contraception.

All that matters now is you want this child and do not want to terminate the pregnancy. Your dh is within his rights to tell you his preference would be to termination, but once you have made the firm decision to continue he has two choices, accept or leave. He is being unreasonable to continue to blame or pressure you, that time has passed, you need to make him understand that and you will not listen to any further cruel blaming, he needs to decide what he will do next. Keep talking to your sister for support, and if your dh keeps being unreasonable and you feel you need support from your mum them do speak to her without concern over your dh and her relationship, that is his problem not yours.

Hope your dh sorts himself out soon.

This is awful! Would you have married him if you knew he never wanted children?

So it was fine for you to take contraception that had all kinds of negative effects on you, but he couldn't use condoms too often because they made him sad?

As far as I see it, you already 'compromised' with the first two abortions. Life never tells you "this is the perfect time to have a baby - go!" Even if it is blatantly perfect timing, you never know what's around the corner.

Don't let him bully you into making this decision when you don't want to. The fact is repeated abortions could affect your future fertility, however fertile you are now. I am in the age group where old friends who used to fret about late periods, the map, and terminations are now visiting fertility clinics and thinking about adoption.

If you have x amount of abortions to please him and when he decides it's time and he wants a baby you can't get pregnant anymore, he still has the option to waltz off and impregnate someone else, because he was never physically touched by any of this. You want the baby, so have the baby. If your DH is this unfeeling and callous towards you, it might not be the worst thing in the world for him to walk away.

Just don't let him treat you like shit. He can make choices as you can, but he does not get to emotionally beat you up for 9 months until he sees the baby and 'forgives' you.

for you.
Now big girl pants and do what is best for you.
Keep the baby.

If I was you and think that i am capable of being a parent on my own in the worst case scenario, then i definitely would have the baby. It's my opinion.

Disclaimer: I haven't read the whole thread and don't know if it was mentioned by anyone else before me now , but husbands might come and go, whereas your child is your child forever and s/he must be a priority over a partner, under the circumstances you mention.
Keep a husband happy or keep the baby? I'd say keep the baby since you are now mature, feeling ready, can stand on your two feet and you are capable.
Besides, you haven't tricked your husband into having a baby, it happened naturally. It's meant to be. If you have an abortion, you'll be resentful of your husband and your relationship will suffer anyway.

Once the baby is born, very likely scenario is that he'll love his child, just like your own dad loved you. Children bring so much joy into your life.
Or another scenario, perhaps he'll not adapt to being a dad and you'll drift apart, but even so still you'll be a good mum and will do a good job like other loving capable mums because you are ready and more mature.

If you are ready then choose the baby. What they say; on your deathbed you regret things you didn't do, rather than things you did.

There is no guarantee in five or even ten years time he'll be ready or you'll have a good relationship with each other and many other possibilities. So you might be waiting for five-ten years, supporting your husband in his life-career choices and at the end of that deadline(?) you would still be where you are now and be feeling resentful.

Of course having a baby should be a joint decision and should bring joy to both parents but it is not happening here. So
1-) either you'll go ahead and nurture your child no matter what (if you feel you can do it without him in worst case scenario)
Or
2-) As it's happening now, one of you is dead against it and the other feels pressured to waiting for years for the other one to come round to the idea, so you wait and it can negatively affect the relationship and what will you have in five-ten years time?
Or
3-) after more soul searching, you might want to keep the status quo, wait for a few more years before trying for a baby and if you take this decision willingly, then it's good too. At least you won't feel resentful about your dh since you, yourself took the decision to wait. That's good.

I am a very cautious person and i waited (yes, waited) for 15 years in my own marriage before i had my baby because i wasn't mature enough, money situation wasn't right, my career was important, my husband was very willingto be a dad but I found him immature, i wanted to see the world a bit more, some travels & holidays etc, etc, all these excuses and reasons. Once the baby came all reasons became insignificant. I gained a new lease of life, fresh perspective, respect for life and respect for my own parents... A new and different me and a new, different dh. We were both changed for the better. It was the best thing ever happened to me and i wish i had my baby when i was much younger, and was able to give her a sibling. I'm sure if i hadn't waited, i would've loved dd just the same.

Well, that's my opinion.

Please talk to some trusted people in your life and think if you can do it alone in worst case scenario and take it from there.

Best of luck.

Your husband is entitled to his view and you should take them on board as parenting is a joint venture. However, my fear is that the things he's saying now (it's a prison sentence, you're not going to like being a mum etc) are all very generic. It's not the same as saying current work or housing situations don't work for bringing a baby into the world...his objections are things he could still think in 5 years.

And 5 years time is a long time to commit to doing something...about anything, not just starting a family. A lot can change so I'd be wary about accepting a commitment across such a long time scale.

My gut feeling is to go ahead with the pregnancy as it sounds like something your dearly want. Yes, you risk your husband walking away but you also risk the relationship deteriorating anyway if in 5 years you don't get pregnant...either because he still doesn't want to try or because you can't and you end up regretting the previous abortion which you could blame him for.

Speaking as someone who had an abortion, does not regret it and doesn't want kids, I also vote for keeping the baby and ditching the husband. It sounds like you want to have the baby and the only reason you should have an abortion is if YOU want one. He is being an absolute cunt. Doesn't like condoms? Tough shit mate, does he not know it takes two to make a baby? The amount of responsibility he's shifted onto you makes me so angry, that isn't a supportive partnership and if he's vehemently against having kids he should take action to prevent getting you pregnant. Also, speak to your mum! She's your mum and I'm sure, unless there are things about your relationship with her that you haven't told us, all she'd be concerned about is supporting you, not the social politics of you bitching about her toe rag of a son in law.

I think your dH is abusive.

Run for the hills.

I have had a termination. I was also married at the time and it was also due to a contraceptive failure and the timing was so wrong. It was a very difficult decision but ultimately the right one.

However, I made damn sure that I never got 'accidentally' pregnant again. Three abortions due to contraceptive failure is just wholly irresponsible.

From your post, it sounds like you would have kept the second baby had your husband not bullied you into terminating. That is bad enough, but to now be in the same position again, I would strongly advise you to keep the baby if that's what you want to do. I think this is the kind of thing that could be very emotionally damaging and extremely difficult to move on from.

I'm shocked that your husband would act in such an utterly selfish manner, refusing condoms but more than happy for you to have multiple terminations. It's beyond vile.

Please have your baby. And talk to your mum if you can for support. My daughter had 2 abortions in her early twenties and now in her thirties is desperate for a baby but cannot conceive. She's had all the tests and is now awaiting IVF but it doesn't look hopeful.

This could be your last chance, please don't terminate.

My exH kept putting off us TTC because it was never the right time. When I eventually left him (mainly because of other issues) he got his new girlfriend pregnant within 3 months of seeing her (she kept the baby). Meanwhile I wasted my fertile years with him and have missed my chance - the only saving grace is that I never felt that strongly about having kids but I still feel sad about it sometimes. You know you definitely want children and your H knows you do as well - I agree with the previous posters that he will never agree that the time is right for DC so you need to base your decision on that assumption.

Oh OP. Fucking DUMP his sorry ass and have your baby.

I was in a similar position in July 2015. Pregnant. Very much planned baby, ExH was the one who was the driving force behind TTC. I’d miscarried an accidental pregnancy in December 2014 and it made him insanely broody. Until he didn’t show up to my 7 week private reassurance scan and I came home to find all his shit gone and a text later to say he couldn’t cope with being a Dad again (he has an elder teen DS) and if I wanted him back I needed to abort.

He got told to fuck off and he’s stayed fucked off, and my DD is almost 2 now and a complete delight.

Un fucking believable
He's watched you go through suicidal feelings, ruptured cysts and 2 terminations because he doesn't like condoms?! He wants you to have another one?! Can you hear yourself? He's foul.

Look, whatever you do, I feel at this point it needs to be what YOU want to do, you need to put yourself first, not your husband.

I never like to make comments like this on posts such as yours but I really feel you'd regret an abortion and I worry what affect doing so would have on your emotional and mental health.

@ShellyBoobs speaks wisely.

I won't comment on your relationship babes as it sounds complicated but tbh I agree he'll be finding excuses to not have kids for ages and having that many abortions actually isn't that good for you mentally or physically-it will cause scarring and the absolute tragedy would be if/when he finally decides he's ready and you cannot conceive.

Keep it. Honestly keep it. You want this, you're right age and stage and I think he'll come round. But do it on your terms. I would be very clear with him that he either stays and makes the most of it or you move out and he isn't part of the baby's life. It's a tough call but you need to do what is right for you now. You went along with him twice before and You don't need to a third time.

Couples counselling sounds like It would be good for you guys. You're on very different pages here and as another poster said, it might be impartial help you both need.

Much love ❤️

You have been together nine years, you are married with a stable job, why is having a baby such a "compromise" for your dh in the first place?

Op you sound like a very generous and sympathetic person - almost to your own detriment! You say your DH is caring and attentive, but his past behaviour towards you, wrt what should be joint contraceptive decisions - and the resulting abortions - would suggest otherwise.

It's great that you are going away this weekend. Be strong! You have taken back control by telling him unequivocally that you are having the baby - well done - and he needs to work out whether he is with you, or not. It's up to him and it's as "simple" as that.

How dare he presume to have so much control over your body?

Is your salary supporting his academic career btw? Is that what he is worried about? If so, tell him that having a child can do wonders for one's motivation and determination. Actually, don't tell him that, he needs to grow up and make the decision by himself; he is either going to support you or not, and you unfortunately have to coldly close your heart against him until he decides one way or another. Two can play at being cold. Why should you be the one always sympathising and supplicating? I would be utterly furious and raging in your shoes!!

Good luck op. And keep strong.

Please don't abort another baby. I'm pro-choice but 3 is just wrong.

This has made me so angry on your behalf! As someone who's had an abortion (for the same reasons as you, and I'm obvs very much pro-choice) I never thought I would feel compelled to 'counsel' any woman to go ahead with a pregnancy. But you very clearly want this baby, and as others have rightly said, there are absolutely no future guarantees. Whatever your husband's reasons for assuming another abortion is the right decision (actually, not nor never his to make), I'm appalled at what he's said and the assumptions he's making. By all means give him time and space but I think you need to be very clear to him, as of now, that this pregnancy (and your life & body) are not up for debate. No negotiation, no cajoling. By all means he can make decisions for himself, as your partner and a future father but that's as far is it goes. Very many congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope this storm passes quickly for you! X

You will regret aborting when you dont want to. It's a regret ive never recovered from.

He might come round, but if not you will be just fine.

He sounds like a very selfish person.

Your body. Your decision.

Yes he has an input. But it is still ultimately your choice. I always told any bloke i was about to start having sex with during the contraception talk that even though i was in no way planning a baby, or wanted one, that babies were sometimes a side effect of sex even if all precautions are taken. And if he absolutely, definitely, 100% didn’t want a baby then he should not be having sex. Because i would not have a termination.

He made the choice to have sex. Your choice in dealing with the effects.