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Original poster

Has anyone refused to stay on post natal ward due to men on the ward?

310 replies

PinkSnowAndStars · 16/12/2017 13:48

Hi.

I’m not looking for a debate - and I understand how mums want their partners with them after giving birth.

I’m 26+5 with my second child. When I had my first in 2011 partners weren’t allowed to stay so there was no issue. This time my hospital allow Partners to stay on the wards in the 6 bedded bays with women that have just given birth. I’m a high risk pregnancy and will probably have to stay in one night after birth.

But the thought of staying in a bay with men terrifies me (childhood abuse) it’s literally panicking me and I don’t know what to do.

Has anyone had or heard of people refusing to stay? I don know what to do.

OP posts:
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AveEldon · 16/12/2017 19:01

I strongly disagree with allowing partners overnight on wards

I suggest the OP speaks to her MW, and if necessary the Head of MW

I had to put up with this for a week with my youngest. For my older children no guests were allowed overnight.

DoctorDonnaNoble · 16/12/2017 19:04

I got on to the post-natal ward at 11:30pm (so after visiting). DH was allowed to stay while I got settled. It would have been nice to have had him stay longer but those are the rules. What would have been far more helpful would have been for the night Midwife on the second day to have realised I wasn't lying when I said I needed help getting my son out of the crib after my EMCS. I got sighs and eyerolls from her every time and once a 'can't you do it yourself?' No, I bloody couldn't!

crunchymint · 16/12/2017 19:11

I have never heard of that

FreshStartToday · 16/12/2017 19:20

Do talk to your midwife OP, and if s/he is vague about helping, phone the hospital directly. I am guessing that you will not be the only one that feels this, or who does not have/does not want overnight visitors. They may offer to make a bay visitor free for those people (if they don't you could suggest it??!)

Alternatively do you have your heart set on this hospital or is there another you could change to locally, that would give you peace of mind.

allegretto · 16/12/2017 20:08

@ven83 I appreciate that it was difficult but it is also not fair to be expected to express milk in front of strangers! I would like my mil's labour ward experience - no men outside of visiting hours and no phone calls or noise on the ward. Much more relaxing.

sourpatchkid · 16/12/2017 20:35

Pink - I would explain to the midwife then. Request a priavte room and if not available maybe consider another hospital? I know it's horrible. I desperately wanted my DH there after my c section, he wasn't allowed but if he had been your needs trump his and mine. Please do ask

Rockandrollwithit · 16/12/2017 20:41

My DH was allowed to stay for one night in the postnatal ward. It was a different hospital to the one I had given birth in the day before - we had been transferred 100 miles to a hospital that could provide specialist surgery for DS, who was critically ill in NICU.

We were both in bits unsure if DS would survive the night and very far from home/ support. I had a private room so I hope that it didn't effect anybody else as he was well away from other patients. We weren't allowed to see DS whilst they stabilised him so we spent most of the night clutching our phones.

genever · 16/12/2017 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

furryelephant · 16/12/2017 21:25

The hospital I gave birth in did allow partners to stay, but when I asked them they said if I didn’t have one stating, then I’d be in a bay with other women who didn’t have someone staying either Smileso definitely worth asking!

BigBaboonBum · 16/12/2017 21:29

I don’t really care if they’re men or women, I think the point is that I wouldn’t want randomers strolling about the ward after I’ve just given birth, waddling to the bathroom like a cowboy to avoid rubbing vayjay stitches is bad enough without extra onlookers

VivaLeBeaver · 16/12/2017 21:35

We have this where I work. Men get breakfast and tea, coffee and blankets . Ward spent 10k on reclining chairs. Men wandering to the loo in boxers does happen but not often.

AJPTaylor · 16/12/2017 21:35

Genuinely i cant imagine anything worse. I had my last baby 10 years ago. The ward was closed to all visitors including partners for 2 hrs in the afternoon. All visitors except 1per bed left at 7.30. All partners etc had to leave at 10.00 (exception made for mum of teenager who had just has baby but clearly she was going to be more help than anything else.)
I mean what has actually happened in the last 10 years? I just dont get it.

Marcine · 16/12/2017 21:35

Surely you have a right to a single sex ward?

chocolatedonut · 16/12/2017 21:45

This is the policy in the health board that I live in. It's very restricted compared to some stories on here Shock it's also 3 women to a bay.

I think in the morning when ladies are getting up, washed, eating breakfast and the doctors are doing there rounds it's important to have as much privacy as possible.

It's bad enough 2 other ladies having to hear the consultant discussing your multiple tears, the midwifes bedbathing you and using the bedpan etc without having to worry about even more people being in the room!!

Husbands/Partners only: 10.30am - 12.30pm, 2.00pm - 5.30pm and 6.30pm - 8.00pm.
All other visitors: 2.00pm - 3.30pm and 7.00pm - 8.00pm.
Only the children of a mother in hospital will be allowed to visit. Any other adult turning up with their own children will be politely asked to take them out of the ward area.

Howsthings1234 · 16/12/2017 21:58

I'm really shocked at this as I gave birth last year and Boone was allowed to stay on the ward but mums and babies. Everyone else was restricted to visiting hours and had to leave by 8pm.

Original poster
PinkSnowAndStars · 16/12/2017 22:19

I remember my last birth 6 years ago - I heard everything about all the other women when health care professionals were talking to them.

I just don’t feel comfortable with it.

I’m high risk again and will likely have to stay in one night

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkSnowAndStars · 16/12/2017 22:20

@VivaLeBeaver please tell me it’s not Stoke Mandeville!!

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 16/12/2017 22:44

No not stoke

DoormatBob · 16/12/2017 22:45

I stayed on the ward first night. We weren't allowed a side room first night.

DW couldn't lift DS from the crib to feed or change and couldn't get out of bed unaided following a cs. I dont think it is allowed fir the benefit of men but rather to help with baby.

The rules were clear though about not wondering about after 10pm and certainly being fully dressed outside of the curtain and not using any female/patient only toilets.

GlitterGlue · 16/12/2017 23:00

I am very pleased to see that my local hospital doesn't allow partners to stay overnight. It was bad enough having them there all day.

Partners are not a substitute for medical care. We wouldn't tolerate this shit on any other ward.

Doubletrouble42 · 16/12/2017 23:02

Thankyou doormatbob, my partner stayed for exactly that reason. After a twin cs I was physically incapable of lifting my twins to bf them every fucking hour through the night. Some of the comments on this thread are really unsympathetic
In your case though op Flowers I'm sure you should a side room or all woman space. I hope so.

53rdWay · 16/12/2017 23:03

It’s nice that there’s rules, but on short-staffed wards who’s going to enforce those rules? If there aren’t enough staff to get mothers water and pass babies out of cribs, there surely aren’t enough to patrol round wards checking all the men are staying fully dressed and not using the toilets.

I still wouldn’t feel safe sleeping on a ward with a bunch of non-patient blokes I don’t know in the same room, anyway. The OP’s alone on that - lots of us wouldn’t. The NHS have scrapped mixed-sex wards in most situations now.

53rdWay · 16/12/2017 23:09

The OP’s not alone on that, I mean!

GoldenWorld · 16/12/2017 23:23

Viva you give the men tea and breakfast?! That's very generous of your hospital! I gave a dad a blanket once and the midwife in charge had an absolute fit about it!

I'm always surprised at the strong reactions on here, because the vast majority of women I meet want their partners to stay. I've only worked in 2 hospitals but they both changed the rules to accepting men overnight after asking for women's views. And the majority said they wanted their partner there and the majority wins. It's quite unusual now for hospitals not to have partners overnight.

I was against it at first but I'm not actually sure it makes much difference - they're allowed there for 10 hours of the day anyway. And lots of people complained because if you gave birth at 3am and had a CS their partner still had to go and weren't allowed back for 5 hours when their baby had barely been born. The same with inductions, they got kicked out at 10pm regardless of whether the woman was in pain or not. It's a difficult one, you just can't please everyone and people will complain whatever policy there is. My hospital still has a "quiet time" of 2 hours when no visitors are allowed - except half of them won't go and I spent hours arguing with them, threatening them with security etc. I gave up in the end as I just got sick of it and it was wasting so much of my time. So many relatives/friends think they have an entitlement to be there.

OP, please speak to your midwife about it and put it as part of your birth plan. Sometimes you can be discharged from delivery suite but if not, I think you have a valid reason for having your own room. Women who pay for one just because they want it we make clear to them that we can make them move out if someone else takes priority, and I would do that in your case.

53rdWay · 16/12/2017 23:29

I'm always surprised at the strong reactions on here, because the vast majority of women I meet want their partners to stay.

My partner? Sure. Everyone else’s partners that I don’t know from Adam? Nope. And I wouldn’t expect other women to put up with mine for the same reason.

I would hate this to the point of discharging myself early, I really would. I don’t feel like women should have to make a case for why we need single-sex wards, when we wouldn’t in almost every other ward of the hospital. Surely we should just be able to say “I don’t feel comfortable with that” and have that respected, not have to lay out the detail of any bad past experiences we’ve had to justify it?