Thanks for all the welcomes and positive vibes everyone!..... I’m not sure if it’s appropriate but I thought I’d share my alternative approach to this, my third pregnancy.
Firstly, it goes without saying-like all of us here, I would so dearly love a child of my own. I’m step mum to two great kids but they were 4 and 8 when I came into their lives, so for me, a baby would complete my family. After the first miscarriage I was distraught, but it was expected as I’d had very irregular bleeding throughout and had been told by my gp that I’d had a miscarriage (after he’d told me two weeks prior to that, that I hadn’t ovulated that month filling the rountine Blood tests is been having on 21st day of my cycle each month!), having been referred to EPU I was then given a scan and then told I was still pregnant just very early days - they dated me at 5 and half weeks, Sac but no fetal pole was visible. I was convinced of my dates and should’ve been further along than the scan dated but was told to relax, enjoy my pregnancy and return in ten days time for another scan to ensure all was developing as it should. It was ten days of pure hell waiting for the re-scan. And when we returned ten days later it was to face the dreaded news that there had been no growth, still no f/pole. Despite the EPU being sure the pregnancy wasn’t viable I had to wait a further seven days for a repeat ultrasound to clarify their diagnosis. It was this scan that then confirmed the sac was the required >25mm and that I’d suffered a missed miscarriage at 5 & half weeks. In a bewildering daze I then went through the emotional and physical trauma of a D&C. Life returned to normal eventually, although a tiny piece of my heart died that day along with my dreams of having a baby.
But after four long months I fell pregnant again, this time it was completely different-no abnormal bleeding, a few symptoms although never morning sickness. I put my life on hold, I didn’t put a foot wrong, I didn’t drink, exercise, I ate well, I slept lots, I tried to keep stress to a minimum (although this was extremely difficult as I was terrified it would happen again!) but as time went on and no bleeding occurred I started to relax a little and got ever so excited that by 7.5 weeks I could bear it no more and booked in for a private scan (EPU/GP wouldn’t grant me an early scan despite my first Miscarriage). I remember the day so vividly, my husband and I had enjoyed a lovely morning strolling through the town, coo’ing over cute baby outfits etc and generally getting really excited for the scan later that afternoon. We walked into the clinic full of excitement and no less than ten minutes later I was in floods of tears. And sadly they were not the tears of joy I’d anticipated, they were tears of overwhelming sadness. We’d been told that once again our baby had not developed past 5 & half weeks. They could see Gestation sac, yolk sac but no fetal pole. Exactly the same as my first pregnancy. I’d never felt my heart physically break before, I could actually feel the pain it was so palpable. I then had to return to the EPU hell of 'protocal' awaiting second/and then third scan to confirm what we all knew. I opted for a natural loss this time. In all in took three long weeks. My hormones took a while to return to normal. And at first I was so devastated that I couldn’t comprehend ever trying again. I saw no point in anything. I ended up getting counselling which helped me gain some kind of equilibrium. And so we began trying again, and that was four months ago. And now here we are, a third BFP and again the hope of my much wanted first child.
And so it’s because of this heartbreaking journey, that I have to approach this third pregnancy with a practical view - a means to an end. At least we might get some answers when it’s all over. Shocking to some of you I know. And so sad for me, who wanted so badly to enjoy being pregnant.....
I’ll explain why, we always knew that we would not be offered extensive testing and fertility support until we had suffered a third recurrent miscarriage (we begged for this after no 2, because I couldn’t see a way to put myself through the agony of another potential miscarriage but the NHS won’t accommodate consultive led care until three miscarriages have taken place). So as horrific as this will sound to many of you, I can only handle this third leg of the journey by steeling myself for the worst. My husband and I have agreed that we won’t discuss the pregnancy or get excited, or even acknowledge it is happening, life will carry on as normal, I won’t drink or eat any banned foods etc, but I will continue to exercise and act ‘not pregnant’ and expect the worst. Because after we endure this process one last time ‘at least’ we will be entitled to full fertility testing and go into any future pregnancy with a full awareness of any underlying issues that are causing my repeat miscarriages AND we will be offered consultant-led care on our forth pregnancy should we be lucky enough to fall pregnant again.
I know it must seem madness to some of you but wanted to share my thinking with you, for your thoughts/advice/sanity!?! I hope that was ok!
xxx~xxx