Posifrickentive into 2018 - thread 20 for those pregnant after mc

[MsJuniper]

New thread - bringing lots of happiness, support and understanding through Christmas and into the new year!

I mean we haven't had any ambiguous positive then negative tests/positive before normal period. I've been scanned with both of the miscarriages we had so I don't think they are chemicals - technically I don't think you can really classify a natural pregnancy as a chemical loss unless vv early anyway because the term comes from ART, and assisted pregnancies tend to be closely monitored which natural ones tend not to be, so you can't quite differentiate the same. But I'm lucky that here it's totally standard to be scanned as part of the initial confirmation of pregnancy at anything from 5-8 weeks, and we've always got in early with that.

I'm definitely happy and have had moments of excitement so it's not total doom and gloom, it's just weird I suppose.

@BertieBotts @Namechangedtoscream I understand, the fear that the next scan will show no heartbeat (or fetal demise as they called it on my report!), I had MMC at almost 10 weeks but embryo only got to 8+0. So if I'd had a scan at 7+6 I would have seen a heartbeat, that is so weird to me. For this reason I'm having my first scan at 8+0 as I feel like any earlier will not reassure me anyway!

Bertie it's definitely encouraging that you have gotten further than before, and seeing a HB does reduce the risk massively, although I appreciate it is more complicated for you given the karotype issue.

Congratulations WMcL and family. I am so happy for you.

Is it Peach who is due next?

Welcome Namechanged. I am so sorry for all your losses. I hope this little one makes it.

Bertie I think it will take you a long while to accept this as pregnancy as a baby. It took me until after the 20 week scan to start to feel like we had a chance, after 24 weeks before I considered it likely and after 30 weeks before I started to prepare to see a baby at the end of this. I can't really comment on the difference between loving a child before and after birth as we have never got this far before but, while I love this baby in an abstract way and would (and have) fought tooth and nail to give it the best chance in life I don't feel like I know him or her yet. Not do I really feel bonded to it. I am sure I will after birth but I am too guarded now after everything we have been through.

Morning ladies!! Just checking in after a slightly worrying week. Ended up at the MAU with reduced movements on Friday- hadn’t felt baby move all day (until they hooked me up to the machine of course. Then it made me out to be a complete liar!!). Thankfully all ok! Think the worry was compounded by the fact that at my last midwife appointment she was marginally concerned that baby’s growth had tailed off. She didn’t refer me for a scan so I logically know she isn’t that worried and that it was probably just because baby was in a different position, but it sticks in your head anyway! Next midwife appointment is Thursday so we shall see if baby has done any growing- my ribs and sternum are very sore at the moment so I’m hoping that possibly we’ve had a growth spurt and I don’t need to go for a scan!!

Brenna I think Peach is just before me- I’m due 2nd Feb and think Peach was maybe mid/late Jan?

Bertie I can honestly say that there has never been a definite point where I’ve thought “god, il having an actual baby”. I feel a bit bad as my family are all excited and I’m a little bit reserved about it, but I think all that happened with me was a gradual progression from being terrified I might lose it, through to worrying that I’ve jinxed it by buying stuff and then getting to the point I am now it’s just changed into worrying about going in to labour. Not that I’m actually worried about labour itself, more that I’m paranoid I won’t know how to tell it’s happening or being worried about being overdue. I’m aware I sound totally bonkers, but having never actually been in labour before I don’t know what to expect when it starts or how to tell this is the real thing!

Anyway enough of my neurotic ramblings! Hoping you’re all doing ok ladies!

Congratulations WMCL, delighted to hear your good news, I hope you're enjoying lots of newborn cuddles!
Bertie, I'm nearly 20 weeks now (scan on Friday) and DH and I are still talking about having a baby in abstract terms and quite muted talking about it with friends/relatives, which I think most find a bit strange... I'm hoping it'll be more real after the next scan (and I'm feeling movement now so finding that exciting) but I think I'll probably worry throughout!

Good morning everyone.

Pattern I hope you’re doing ok after your scare, and fx for Thursday and some growth. How many weeks are you now?

Bertie I agree re scans. Sadly my last baby died pretty much straight after a good scan, and I just couldn’t get my head around that. This time things are slightly different as I have HG, which is oddly reassuring though I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Be interesting to know what the geneticist thinks about your theory. I hope the appointment goes well.

It is odd when you don’t quite believe it will work out, yet you’re having to make plans with work, holidays etc. nonetheless. I caveat everything with a ‘if this one works out...’

Brenna how many weeks are you now? Do you have a child already, I can’t recall?

Halloumi very best wishes for Friday!

@Brenna24 aw, thanks for remembering! I'm due on the 24th although baby is measuring big so there's some discussion about early induction which I'm hoping to avoid. We'll see!

Re: relaxing as it goes on... I have to say, I haven't really found that the case. Despite being on maternity leave and potentially only days away from her being born, I have to say that I find it very hard to believe I'll actually have a baby at the end of all this. It still feels very abstract. I've found getting prepared really hard because it's meant forcing myself past the overwhelming feeling that something could still go wrong. I don't know if that's true of all women who've miscarried as I tend to be quite a pessimist by nature anyway, but it's certainly the case for me. It HAS got easier in that I feel the baby move more often now which is reassuring, but in between movements is still pretty tough. But I've definitely enjoyed this last part of pregnancy much more than the early days which were just so full of worry and anxiety and fear.

@peachgreen I feel the same way as you - I really have to force myself to start thinking about practicalities because it feels like tempting fate and also I've avoided all that for so long. It's kind of like when I first had to go to the antenatal clinic and I was surrounded by pregnant women which is something I've tried to avoid for the last 3 years - even though I was pregnant myself, I couldn't look at them.

Do you mind if I plonk myself down here? I may only be here a day or two. I am in limbo at the moment and terrified / gutted / wanting it over.

I'm about 5w4d. I had a gush of blood whilst running last Friday and went straight to EPU. I had a scan and the gestational sac and yolk sac were visible and all measuring correctly for my dates. Since then I've had several days of brown spotting. Bleeding seemed to stop last night but I know that could change any minute. I'm currently too scared to go and check.

I have really severe backache today and general period type pains but also started dry heaving this morning. In my heart of hearts, I think it's over but I've never had bleeding stop and start like it is. I dreamt I was heavily bleeding last night and woke up thinking I was but wasn't.

I have another scan tomorrow. I wish I could just get today out of the way. If I miscarry, this will be loss 6.

I would really like you guys to be honest. Did any of your miscarriages start with a gush of blood and then change to brown spotting? I've still got those pokey feelings in my abdomen but the backache for me, feels like a giveaway.

Just to give a different perspective - I am starting to feel more confident, and I'm only 12 weeks. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of moments of massive panics, and I can't imagine telling other people yet, but I'm finding each day a bit easier, and compared to six weeks ago - when I was a total mess - I'm so much calmer. I don't really imagine having a baby - but, again, I'm still so early - but I don't feel as fixated with thoughts of losing this pregnancy.

Weirdly, in this regard, I think the fact mine were repeated and followed such a pattern helped (I am also very lucky that they were all so early). Since development stopped at the same point each time, including the MMC, it felt like something specific was going wrong right then - and, whatever happens with this one, that thing didn't happen. So I find it easier to tell myself - I don't always believe it, but I find it easier to at least think - that my odds are like everyone else's now; that things might go wrong - of course - but that they probably won't.

Even typing that gave me lots of 'stop it, you're jinxing yourself!' type feelings, though! I can't imagine buying anything, or making concrete plans - I'm going to tell work if my scan on Friday goes well, and I think that'll set off a lot of anxiety in me. Generally, though, I do feel a tiny, incremental bit better every day.

X-post with msjuniper - I also hated, hated, hated my first visit to the antenatal unit, and to the midwife because of the 'so, you're having a baby!' attitude, and because of the other pregnant women. A Facebook friend posted a pregnancy announcement the other day and I felt the usual surge of jealousy/sadness - and then realised that I'm pregnant too, and about as pregnant as she is! I feel very used to be 'the one that can't get/stay pregnant' and actually I find it very hard to imagine not being, now I think about it.

Just seen your post kirin - I'm so sorry you're going through this much anxiety now. Really hoping for another good scan for you tomorrow - I think if you were bleeding at the last scan, and the bleeding has slowed down, then it's definitely not a hopeless situation, though I completely understand preparing for the worst.

Thanks Lisa. None of my miscarriages have started like this. Well, I had a bit of pink when I had my MMC but I'd had the ERPC within 24 hours so I didn't have the stopping and starting that I've got now. Otherwise, they all involved pretty constant bleeding.

I know you read so much about bleeding not being uncommon in early pregnancy but given my history I cannot believe bleeding is anything but an indication of bad news.

At least tomorrow I'll know if things are over.

Hi @kirinm - welcome. I would say that bleeding in all my mc has got worse rather than better. Brown is usually old blood so possibly the gush precipitated it?

Hope it tails off and you have a much longer stay here than expected.

Thanks @MsJuniper I would love for my instincts to be wrong but I'm very much in self-preservation mode at the moment.

I would overjoyed if I was able to stay here!

I'm worried. Up to today I've been extremely sick to the point i was told I have HG. Today i woke up nauseous and popped a pill, all good. Pill will have worn off by now. I've eaten my lunch and had a lot to drink and it's all stayed down. My boobs no longer hurt. I'm suspecting a mmc here.

@Namechangedtoscream - haven't posted on here for ages (although still lurking to see how everyone is getting on) but just wanted to offer some reassurance.

I suffer from the delightful combination of previous HG and recurrent miscarriage. My miscarriages (at between 6 and 7 weeks) were all characterised by a complete lack of sickness. This current pregnancy and with my DD I had horrendous HG. It's a very good sign, and even more so if you are older (I'm 41).

Second, HG is an episodic illness - you will have days (or sometimes only hours) of feeling much better before relapsing again. Please try not to worry (I know that is easier said than done - trust me!). There were days where I felt ok and was convinced that it was all over. I'm now 24 weeks with a very wiggly baby, so it wasn't.

Hi, is it worth my trying to get an early scan through my gp? Like others on here I suffer with hg - have 2 dcs already.

I miscarried last year, no symptoms, no nothing.

This time around I'm 5w+5 and again, feel nothing. Bit tired and no energy but I'm pretty certain that's due to my anxiety more than anything.

Is it worth a try? I'm seeing a midwife on Friday anyway but I've convinced myself I'm going to miscarry :-( bit short of money from Xmas time so a private scan wouldn't be an option for another few weeks yet x

Hello All

I'm delirious after a successful 12 week scan. The baby was stretching, moving, drinking and crossing its legs. We had a very brusque sonographer but she pointed out absolutely everything. It was so delightful. I've been a mc veteran for long enough to know all the things that could go wrong, but for today, it was perfect. It is strange going into the antenatal clinic in total denial! The mw also decided to put me under consultant care due to recurrent mc which was a bit of a surprise, but nice in a way to have it acknowledged somehow.

Namechanged and Bertie I don't know how anyone makes it through the first trimester after several mc without a mental health issue. It's just so difficult.

Congrats WMcL that's beautiful news, and crossed fingers for a delivery soon Peaches

Glad you're feeling more hopeful Lisa - your scan is this week too, isn't it?

I really hope it's the best news Kirin, are you getting any NHS support for recurrent mc? Sending best wishes

I mean, deliriously happy - not just delirious!!

Foxtrotskarloey - thanks, I knew this would be the case to be honest, I know they don't just have out scans everytime someone is worried - we would be there everyday otherwise lol. It really is just the most awful wait isn't it, I think I'll put some pennies away for a private scan. If I can just hang on another 2 weeks then hopefully there should be enough to see at 8 weeks xx

Grey that’s wondeful! So delighted for you, must have been amazing to see your baby being so active. 12w scan for me on Sunday, feeling very apprehensive.

Namechange I also have HG and have found the HG support thread here invaluable—may be worth posting to ask them? How many weeks are you? The HG can subside as the placenta takes over (I’m banking on that!).

Welcome kirinm - I really hope your next scan goes well. I had a big bleed with DS which was a haematoma—did they see anything like that? Hope you’re here for the long haul.

bitzy you can but try... I know it’s an agonising wait but if you’re saving for a private scan it’s def worth waiting for 8-9 weeks.

I just did a digital and got 3+ so hopefully that's a good sign x

@GreyCloudsToday Congratulations!! Despite having said earlier that I never really stopped worrying, I DID find the milestones really helpful and the 12 week scan was a biggie for me. Very emotional, in a good way. I hope everything continues smoothly for you.