Posifrickentive into 2018 - thread 20 for those pregnant after mc

[MsJuniper]

New thread - bringing lots of happiness, support and understanding through Christmas and into the new year!

I've just had this horrid heavy (mentally) feeling inside for the past two days. I just feel so sad and can't see a happy ending at all. This baby is so, so wanted.
If he was coming home with us at some point I would know that, right? If things were going well I would feel it, not this horrid anxiety and dread.

Bertie I don't feel like my pregnancy is going to progress, I am worried that my sixkness the other day damaged bub, or that I'll get the worst news at my 20 or 28 week scan. I was a asking if that was the case, would I be allowed to deliver at home, rather than in hospital..
One reasob I chose to have no intervention in my previous mcs and mmc (around 8 weeks) as I didn't want them to dispose of them in a hospital incinerator (the information on what happens is suitably vague) and I've managed to place them somewhere special to me.

Hi @zaalitje I think your previous bad experiences are affecting your thoughts and feelings quite seriously, have you looked into counselling? Remember that at 20 weeks the odds of anything going wrong are so tiny. Hospitals don't put baby remains into the incinerator, I promise they ask you what you want to do with them. I just want to give you a big hug. It's all going to be fine xxx

I'm happy this morning as got 3+ on a digital. I'm 5+3 today.

grumpy
I have given up believing in odds, I've been in the less than 1% 3 times on this journey for 3 unconnected things, the chances of that are 1 in a over a million, so tiny odds mean little to me.
Besides bad stuff has to happen to someone, what's so special about me that it won't be me?

I'm being monitored for IC due to 2 risk factors, the chances of that occurring are around 10% if it does I'll deliver before 24 weeks and before viability. 10% isn't tiny odds, nor is the 1% of pregnancies that do go wrong after 20 weeks, besides 20 weeks is still 2-3 weeks away.

Also I don't want to bring social services on my back before I have the baby thinking I can't cope, if I get that far which NHS counselling will do. Besides the wait for NHS counselling is up to a year, which won't help me here.
If I go private it would cost about £300/month which I don't have spare as IF baby makes it that is going towards me having mat leave as I only get the statutory minimum from my job.

I know IF I get past this with a healthy baby I'll be fine, the anxiety is just around not knowing what is happening but knowing there is still a good risk things will go wrong.

Zaa but you really don’t know that your fears will be realised. These feelings are self preservation, though that won’t change the outcome. At my last MMC I was confident everything was fine, so much so I went to the scan alone.
That heavy feeling of foreboding is stifling, I’m so sorry.

I understand the worry about SS, though they wouldn’t be notified or bat an eye unless there are obvious safeguarding issues, and I don’t know what provision is like in your trust, but we have some rapid access ante natal mental health support here. If you can I would strongly encourage you to talk to your midwife. They have head (pretty much) all of it before.
The other thing you may be able to access more quickly is an employee assistance programme - if you’re employer is big enough? That usually enables some short term conselling.

We’re all here - keep posting and if you don’t want advice but just a hand hold that’s fine too.

grumpy so glad the digi played ball for you!

Will they give you a cervical stitch for the potential IC? Nhs counselling will not bring social services on your back. It's totally understandable to be scared given what you have been through. You're clearly really struggling - don't be afraid to ask for help x

zaa the perinatal mh team are through the gp or midwife so nhs and very quick - could you speak to your gp or midwife? I saw them. No SS here. I have a friend with severe bi polar who has had two children and no Ss there either. Lots of mh support. And do call Pandas - they're free and may have a local peer support group in rl or on face book.

I did get low around week 16. It's a no man's land between the 12 week and the 20th and again till the 24th (viability).

You sound so low I'd honestly call the epu or mw and talk to them. Xmas is also a time where feelings get magnified. Huge hugs

I have a scan every two weeks to check for shortening and funneling, including one this werk. If they see funneling or shortening they might put in a stich, but stitches carry their own risks and cause their own problems, hence only doing them once a problem is detected. But that assumes they will catch it at the right time . . .

Re counselling, nothing available through my employer, we're public sector so nothing in the way of private health available. Wouldn't know where to start for fast access ante natal counselling, but certainly don't feel I can talk to my GP.

I knew before my last mc that things had gone wrong, the best description I heard is like someone switched the lights off in my stomach, but friends and family kept telling me I was worried about nothing and was stressing too much and I felt my concerns were poo-pood. That's why I can't talk to them now, this board is the only outlet I have for my anxiety.

Forgot to add when I went to EPU with what turned out to be a subchorionic bleed but to me at the time was a large gush of blood and was crying as worried I was told off for over reacting as "most people get some bleeding".
Well most people haven't had several mcs before which the midwives knew about, and most people's bit of blood" isn't enough to flood a panty liner in 5 minutes, (been to loo a few minutes before and went from not a spot of blood when I wiped to feeling like I wet myself in minutes) but I was still told I was getting stressed over "little things". So I don't feel I have an accessible way to the counselling team.

But thank you all for your responses

Hi all, I couldn't get onto this thread at all yesterday but was thinking of you all and the hopes and anxieties we are all facing this Christmas.

@zaalitje it is so hard isn't it, everyone around you wants to be encouraging or reassuring but they can't understand how you are feeling or that nothing will cancel out your previous experience. I found the period up to 24 weeks to be the hardest of all so far. People now say to me that being more than half way along I can't still be worried, well sorry to confound you but yes I bloody can. The only thing that helped me was telling myself it was ok to feel like this, so I dialled down the "stressed about feeling stressed" factor and just focused on getting through the next minute/hour/day. Would your midwife or consultant be able to answer the question about what would happen/ your options if bad news were discovered at 20+ weeks?

If you don't think your own team can help then maybe try contacting Tommy's?

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/about-us/tommys-midwifery-team

I see why the epu isn't reassuring. I remember that now. I'm cross with them though - they should be on the ball regarding being aware of mh. To keep sharing here is a good strategy - we can listen and understand. This is the pandas website. I found it helpful just reading it.

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/preantenatal-depression/

I guess the worry about the bug should/ could be very reasonably mentioned to epu or mw or gp?

Zaa I am so sorry I misunderstood your worry. I do believe as others have said that remains will be treated with respect and your wishes would be respected too.

Something which has helped me us remembering it's okay not to be positive all the time. It doesn't make bad things happen, no matter what people believe. Your mind is really a safe space to explore those scary feelings and outcomes.

That said if the thoughts are causing you distress you could ask for help with anxiety, this wouldn't raise concerns with SS as it's very common. Whether talking therapy or medication you could look at what's right for you.

I wonder if a miscarriage support charity would be able to signpost MH services?

Others make a good point about not repressing the feelings, Zaa, even if others around you try to/are overly positive (which we probably all experience). Feelings aren’t dangerous - it does help to name and acknowledge them.

I'm having a difficult evening tonight.. I do think it's probably all in my head but I hope to don't mind me getting it out on here..
Baby had a quiet day yesterday, was moving but didn't feel movements quite as strong.. In saying that my husband could feel them from the outside..
Anyway I probably stressed all day. Slept OK. Although was sleeping really nicely when woke up at 9 o clock by husband dating we were late and needed to leave for his aunt's house (we are supposed to be there by 930). Spent about 6 hours there, eating and talking, mostly sitting, lots of people it was really warm. Baby was moving and kicking lots during the day. By the time we got home it was 430 and I felt absolutely knackered.there is no food so we ordered a take away and I dozed on the sofa. So I got up just before it arrived and stomach felt really heavy and tight.. Only for a very short time. (Tmi) went to bathroom (urine only) and it felt more comfortable again. Food arrived I start reading - instantly feel full but eat the chicken anyway thinking I probably should. Finish eating and maybe 5/ 10 mins later stomach is grumbling and I have loose bowel movement. (Only once) Now I've come to bed to lie down and try to rest. Now I can feel baby stretching or moving a little while I type this.. (I'm hoping for a bit more movement / kicks although got so many during the day earlier?)
Does this all sound about normal / to be expected? I've never got this far in pregnancy before and now I'm stuck in another country, sleeping in a bunk bed and without all the food I normally eat (I'm a picky eater and we are staying at someone else's house which tbh I always find difficult) and to add to that the talk all day has been about the baby or other people's labour stories or about how dh mum wants to take us to look at baby shops tomorrow..(And it's all been in another language so I've had to rely on someone to translate occasional parts of it or my own very limited understanding)

Reading back over what I wrote in not sure even I can tell what I'm actually worried about from it..
I think maybe I'm just a bit anxious about being away from home incase anything happens..

@Smurf123 is it movement? When they turn so they're back out you do tend to feel a lot less so baby could be doing this sometimes. It sounds very normal - I'm getting a bit of ibs with all the meat we're eating (newly acquired in the last few years but only recently twigged Red or dark meat can do this, and goes through v quickly ) . Baby also may have naps too now.

I think I'd feel unsettled if I were away and no one was speaking English. There's been times I've felt a bit out of it with dhs family here - I'd like to be surrounded by my own family truth be told, though more so with a young baby which is hopefully where we will be next year.

zaa I know it's difficult, but I do think counselling may help with your anxiety. I had horrific sickness last week, vomiting every half hour for 16 hours or so, and wasn't able to eat or really drink for 36 hours at least. My midwife assured me baby would get the nutrition they needed over mine, so maybe that might make you feel better?
Seeking help will not get you flagged up to social services and what I have heard NHS antenatal referrals get done ASAP, so it shouldn't be a year + wait. I've mentioned one2one midwives to you before-it is worth checking if they are active in your area, or something similar, I have found them wonderful, and they have separate scanning facilities so I don't have to go to hospital for any of my multiple scans (also being monitored for possible IC)
I didn't feel any movement until about 21 weeks (and even now at nearly 25 I don't feel "movement" just kicks)
As others have suggested if you don't feel you can ask your midwife or GP maybe contact one of the charities to talk? It is OK not to be positive all the time, but they may be able to talk through things to help you with your anxiety.

@Zaa sorry you are suffering with such bad anxiety, it’s the most horrible and isolating feeling. I’m public sector too and I had counselling to help me through my pregnancy anxiety. It was especially helpful before scans. My line manager organised it and it was paid for by work. Speak to your HR, I’m sure you would be entitled to similar if you are public sector too. I hope you get the help you need.
Merry Christmas to all the posifrickintive ladies xx

Thanks Ekp that was reassuring to hear. I think you are probably right also that it is as much to do with me being a bit unsettled being away from home and my family and that everyone here isn't speaking English..
But as you say hopefully this means that next year we will be at home with a little one..
Baby has given me some nice strong kicks this morning so feeling a bit happier with that too.
Hope everyone is well

@Smurf that sounds a lot like my digestion issues, which only cropped up occasionally in the 3rd trimester so always freaked me out a bit (are you that far?) Particularly in the 3rd trimester also, I have a baby who goes through long busy busy busy spurts, always in the evening but sometimes during the day, then takes long naps. You know your own baby best, so trust your instincts when it comes to movements as there really is no formula! X