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Original poster

Other Half told me he doesn't want me to have an epidural

164 replies

FirstNov2017 · 22/09/2017 12:19

Lets all laugh together...
I don't want an epidural but this is my first child and I have no idea what to expect. I'm aware of the pros and cons and see it as a last resort. After our antenatal class this week my partner said "I don't want you to have an epidural, it's not an option in my eyes". Anyone else had similar comments/demands from partners? My body my choice and my pain threshold!

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stitchglitched · 22/09/2017 13:20

Previous posters make a good point about reconsidering having him as your birth partner. I'd be very concerned to have someone who thinks they get a say over my pain relief choices acting as my advocate.

VinoTime · 22/09/2017 13:22

Were it discovered an 8lb cyst needed removing from his stomach, would you, as his partner, be dictating to him what pain relief options YOU felt were suitable for him to consider?

I'm guessing no, so might I suggest you tell him to shut up. He really doesn't get a say on the matter, given he's not the one giving birth.

"It's not an option in my eyes."

Hmm Fuck me, but I've heard some things! Where do you find these creatures!?

nomad5 · 22/09/2017 13:23

^^ yes to considering whether he's a suitable birth partner. Although I am a firm believer that fathers should see what the mother of their child is going through. Hard to decide that on first birth. Just telling him to cop the fuck on is a better idea.

If we ever had a third (very unlikely) I actual think I'd prefer DH to not be there because the only people I'm interested in interacting with during labour are HCPs

kshaw · 22/09/2017 13:23

i didnt want an epidural, 7 hours into labour while being induced and not having more than 30seconds between contractions it was the best idea ever!!!

Other Half told me he doesn't want me to have an epidural
CryingShame · 22/09/2017 13:23

I was given an epidural as a way of lowering my blood pressure, sky high due to pre eclampsia, whilst they got the baby the hell out of there. Does he not get that there are conditions which require an epidural as a medical intervention; it's not just a personal preference thing?

Oscha · 22/09/2017 13:24

Oh God OP. Can I suggest you look into hiring a doula, or finding a friend who would be your birth partner? You need someone who will be 100% supportive of your wishes.

ChocolatePancake · 22/09/2017 13:25

Tell him to bugger off!! As I said in a previous post, some women like to go at it natural (I'm one of them weirdos) and some women like to be so drugged up that the only thing they can feel is space and time, and either way it doesn't matter, it's a personal decision and CERTAINLY nothing to do with the father! Where does he even come into the equation here?! It's not his body! He's not having to fit a human through his pelvis as his hips tear themselves apart. Tell him to bugger right off!

Whinesalot · 22/09/2017 13:25

"in my eyes" shows he's given an opinion "in his eyes" but that is acknowledging the op may see it differently. It would have been worse if he'd just said "I don't want you to have an epidural, It's not an option"

2014newme · 22/09/2017 13:26

What a wanker.

JuniperJuice · 22/09/2017 13:30

He sounds like an absolute twat OP.
As an aside accurate information about epidurals can be found at the obstetric anaesthetic association homepage. Frankly it doesn't matter what he wants, I've called security before to remove a 'partner' when they tried to prevent their wife having an epidural.

stitchglitched · 22/09/2017 13:30

Whinesalot you're clutching at straws a bit trying to defend a man who the OP herself acknowledges tries to be controlling.

Twofishfingers · 22/09/2017 13:31

Well I have heard quite a few partners/husbands saying things like 'my wife did SO well during the birth, she didn't have an epidural, what a good girl!'

Like it's a fucking badge of honour.

MyKingdomForBrie · 22/09/2017 13:32

Yeah that's not funny. 'It's not an option for me' - how the hell does he think this is some kind of joint decision?!

Obviously it's good that you told him where to go but I would be furious and very worried about his thinking in the first place and would need to know how he can possibly feel he has a deciding vote in the matter. It would be ok-ish to express an opinion but even that I'd rather he didn't feel necessary.

PressPaws · 22/09/2017 13:33

Then I said "If I feel I need one, I will be having one! An epidural despite it's cons is an option for a reason and you'll do well to remember that it's my body, not ours"

Good reply. How did he respond?

I think it's important you're on the same page before the birth. He's essentially your advocate and if you're not in any shape to communicate, he has to be able to speak up for you and help get you what you need/want. Not what he wants.

Expectingbsbunumber2 · 22/09/2017 13:34

For god sake. Tell him he should give birth and see how it feels.

2014newme · 22/09/2017 13:34

Yes if he's your birth partner I'd get a different one. He will not advocate for you hell be a pain in the arse.

acatcalledjohn · 22/09/2017 13:36

'It's not an option for me'

"That's right, it isn't an option for you because you are not the one having to push out a baby."

Use his own statement against him.

Whinesalot · 22/09/2017 13:38

I'm not defending him. It was a stupid comment but there are the typical overreactions to what might, note might, have been a stupid throw away remark, which the op rightly and immediately shot down.

Are you really concerned that this is just the tip of the iceberg op?

thethoughtfox · 22/09/2017 13:40

Ask him if he would allow a surgeon to cut open his perineum with no pain relief.

BrieAndChilli · 22/09/2017 13:41

I think we are being a bit harsh, having a baby is a big deal and although the mother is very obviously the voice that counts I do believe the father should be involved, I would sit down with him and ask him his reasoning, he may be under a misunderstanding eg it affects the baby etc. I had pethadine whoch can make babies drowsy and that is something me and DH discussed TOGETHER as it's his baby too.
We had decided before hand that we didn't want an epidural, I was adamant I didn't want one for various reasons (reading a story of a bloke who fainted when he saw the size of the needle and cracked his head and died! To wanting to be able to walk etc during labour and after birth) in each of my 3 labours I was begging for an epidural and DH at first would say it wasn't what I wanted and then by the time he decided to give in it was too late. I am thankful he stuck to his guns as it was what we had decided and I trusted him to be able to make the decision to overrule me if that was what the situation needed.
I think you need to work out what his reasons for being opposed to an epidural are and go from there.

acatcalledjohn · 22/09/2017 13:46

I think we are being a bit harsh, having a baby is a big deal and although the mother is very obviously the voice that counts I do believe the father should be involved

Until that baby has been born any decision involving the mother's body is hers alone.

That's bodily autonomy. The parentage of the baby has no bearing on bodily autonomy.

KarateKitten · 22/09/2017 13:47

That is not a good sign for the relationship or the type of man he is.

He could of course discuss epidural and the things that concern him for your sake OP but what he has said is a major red flag for what he thinks about you, your body and your role in this pregnancy.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/09/2017 13:50

My exH told me that he'd found childbirth more painful than I had Hmm

DiegoMadonna · 22/09/2017 13:51

Anyone else had similar comments/demands from partners?

No cos I'm not married to a prick.

stitchglitched · 22/09/2017 13:51

BrieAndChilli are you really saying that your husband overruling your requests for pain relief was a good thing? Where the hell were the midwives when you were begging for an epidural?

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