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Original poster

Other Half told me he doesn't want me to have an epidural

164 replies

FirstNov2017 · 22/09/2017 12:19

Lets all laugh together...
I don't want an epidural but this is my first child and I have no idea what to expect. I'm aware of the pros and cons and see it as a last resort. After our antenatal class this week my partner said "I don't want you to have an epidural, it's not an option in my eyes". Anyone else had similar comments/demands from partners? My body my choice and my pain threshold!

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olicat · 22/09/2017 13:02

Personally, I don't think anyone who isn't giving birth has a right to dictate the woman's pain relief. He's not the one shitting out something the size of a melon!

Spudlet · 22/09/2017 13:02

That's awful. Are you sure you want him there? Is there anyone else who could be there too who you trust to be a proper advocate for you - perhaps your mum?

maras2 · 22/09/2017 13:03

Get a womb.
Get an opinion.
Eejit < him not you >

Letsgetreadytorumbleagain · 22/09/2017 13:04

My DH said he would rather I didn't have an epidural, and that 'you should try without'. When we actually discussed it properly, he said obviously it's your choice but it scares me and I'm worried about the side effects for both you and the baby.

When I was in labour though, he was begging me to have an epidural - he realised how naive he'd been

Luxembourgmama · 22/09/2017 13:04

WTF has it got to do with him. That's like saying don't get an anaesthetic when you're getting your next filling. Perhaps you should suggest that to him.

Wheresmytaco · 22/09/2017 13:04

I think midwives are very good about discerning who is the one calling the shots when it comes to pain relief.

In I think all of my pregnancies someone had a quiet word about my views on pain relief when Dh wasn't about. Dh been given instructions to remind me that I did in fact not want any pain relief and to try and help me avoid it. And to do the talking for me as I'm a bit of a shouter screamer and not good at being human while giving birth.

But (rightfully so) my nurses and midwives checked it with me when he wasn't around.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 22/09/2017 13:04

Seems reasonable to me.... he doesn't want to have an epidural whilst you are in labor.... no problem he doesn't need to have one. I'd be surprised if they even offered him the option to be honest :)

Wheresmytaco · 22/09/2017 13:06

True flop, if the op is feeling generous and I'm sure she won't be she could let him have a go on the g&a though.

SpiritedLondon · 22/09/2017 13:06

He's being an ass hat. There's a difference between saying " have you thought what pain relief you might want?" To saying that you're not doing something. The first delivery is nerve wracking because you don't really know how painful it's going to be or how long. There's nothing wrong with saying to yourself I'm going to try and do this naturally but then keeping an epidural in your back pocket so to speak - nothing is set in stone. There's also nothing wrong with thinking " I'm a bit of a wimp and I think I might need every drug under the sun". They don't come round at the end and give out medals for those who did it without pain relief. It's not a competition.

But to answer your question....yes there have been threads like this before on here. One husband went so far as to tell the mid wife that his partner wouldn't be having an epidural while she was in labour. I would make sure you ensure he's set straight asap.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 22/09/2017 13:07

Dh tried to take the gas and air off me, he's lucky he still has two working testicles (and to be fair, I was high as a kite).

What are his reasons for believing it's not an option?

shushpenfold · 22/09/2017 13:08

Excellent. My reply would be that he now needs to have a vasectomy, without anaesthetic, because it's not an option in your eyes.

shushpenfold · 22/09/2017 13:09

Lol at Flop!

CobwebKitten · 22/09/2017 13:10

He "tries to be" controlling?

But, right now, he fails I assume? What's it going to be like when you have the baby and he's 'trying' then, if you've given up work, have no money and feel you can't run with the kid?

What then?

FizzyGreenWater · 22/09/2017 13:11

LOL at Tom Cruise. Is he four feet two with a time consuming haircut OP?

Bluntness100 · 22/09/2017 13:11

What? He wants to see you suffer when you deliver is that it? What the hell is wrong with him. Most blokes want it to be as easy and painfree for you as possible whilst ensuring baby is safe. They don't say " suffer bitch"

It's not not an option in his eyes? What in gods name possessed him to think he gets a Veto in this?

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 22/09/2017 13:12

Tell him if you're "not allowed" an epidural you'll be swinging a giant mallet at his dick at every contraction

Then tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he gets there to fuck off further

Headofthehive55 · 22/09/2017 13:13

Maybe he meant he doesn't want you to need one.

Cath2907 · 22/09/2017 13:14

I am more sympathetic to the guy. Obviously your body your choice. BUT my hubby is a bit of a clutz when it comes to healthcare stuff. He really wanted to be involved in this whole baby thing but found it terrifying. He wanted to support me and engage in discussion and be part of decisions as he was terrified about me getting hurt or us losing the baby. He might have said something this stupid but wouldn't have meant to be controlling. If this is a one off lunacy on his part perhaps talk to him. Maybe he heard only "risk of paralysis" and has spent hours worrying about it before forcing his worry out to you but with a bad choice of words.
I had a pretty simple and pain free home birth and hubby still believes it was like THE most traumatic event ever!

HeebieJeebies456 · 22/09/2017 13:15

Then keep an eye open and stay on guard for other controlling attitudes creeping in

Controlling arses usually up their game when the woman is at her most vulnerable....
i.e -
when you're at home with baby and relying on his wages to support you.
If you become a sahm
If you have no direct/free access to family money
If you have to ask him for money

Longdistance · 22/09/2017 13:16

Punch him in the nuts and see if he wants an epidural then?

Your choice op, and on the day anything can happen, and things can happen beyond your control, so it's got nothing to do with him.

CJCreggsGoldfish · 22/09/2017 13:17

I had an epidural with my second. It was bloody marvellous!

You don't get a badge for going without pain relief. Do what you want, there's no shame in not wanting to hurt!

SisterhoodisPowerful · 22/09/2017 13:17

A reasonable statement: "Im worried about potential side effects of an epidural".

Not reasonable: anything suggesting he might get to have a choice about your body.

averylongtimeago · 22/09/2017 13:19

Don't put up with this op, he may be coming from a "I've heard things and I'm worried" place, in which case a bit of reassurance and you stay in charge no problem.
Or, and you have already said he likes to be controlling, this is coming from him wanting to be in charge and to control what you do.

I am relieved to see that you have said "my body my choice", but don't be ground down and make absolutely sure your midwife knows to listen to you saying you will choose to have an epidural if you decide to.

nomad5 · 22/09/2017 13:19

Thinking of that line from friends: "No uterus, no opinion"

Hahahahahaha LTB

My DH tried "supportive" "opinions" during labour first time round. Second time round I ordered him to STFU after my epidural so I could rest before pushing. And thank frankly his opinion was fairly low on the scale given that he wasn't directly involved in getting the baby out. He still feels a bit grumpy about it but I remind him that..... NO UTERUS NO OPINION

Whinesalot · 22/09/2017 13:20

It's a bit of a leap to assume that he is a controlling abusive arsehole. He could well be but given the op quickly put him in his place, we don't actually know that he an arsehole. He could just be clueless and naive. She sounds as if she is grounded.

Op?

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