Abortion booked and terrified

[DaisysMummy17]

Hi I'm really hoping someone can help me and please don't judge me. Here is my story. I have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 6 years old. When I fell pregnant with her it was very much unplanned but me and her dad went along with it and never once did the decision to terminate crop up. Since having her my life has changed so much for the better. When I was pregnant with her I was 20, living at home with my dad and siblings and his girlfriend (who is only 2 years older than me, I'm 27) she was also pregnant about 3 months ahead of me. To cut a long story short she didn't want me there because she was worried about my dad loving my baby more than theirs (ridiculous I know). My dad never told me the real reason I found this out later on, but he told me I had to go and live with my mum because the babies would 'disrupt each other' so that is what I did. My mum was kind enough to let me live with her. It was in a different town to where my partner lived so I would always make the effort to get the bus to take her to visit him. He only came to my mums a couple of times. So there I was breastfeeding my tiny baby for about 5 months by myself at mums , in a tiny box room. I knew I needed to get my own place so I was always bidding on the council list (my dad wrote to the council as well to let them know he was evicting me) and managed to get my own place for me and my daughter. Moved out of my mums into our own place, life wasn't easy , but We managed. I was previously working full time in retail but because I was only officially contracted for 6 hours , they wouldn't give me any more hours than that when I wanted to go back to work. I decided to quit my job and ended up on income support for 3 years. This was great because it gave me all the time in the world to enjoy my daughter and I think because of it she has turned into the intelligent little girl she is now. Myself and her father ended up splitting up although we have always remained amicable for the sake of our daughter.

I met my current partner when my daughter was 1 and a half. We have been together nearly 5 years now and I love him immensely. He is brilliant with my daughter, he has done so much to help around the house , decorating, carpets you name it he has been brilliant. When my daughter was three I got myself back into work (only part time and retail again) but earning a decent wage and working tax credits have helped immensely. I have a bit of money spare, albeit not a lot but I can provide for my daughter even on my own. I haven't got a great network of support for childcare , I haven't spoken to my dad since the day I left (and he has never once met my daughter although he had the chance) my mum lives in another town and I don't see her often, she's always busy doing her own thing and has a 10 year old herself. Most of the time when I'm at work and need someone to help I rely on my Younger brother he's very sweet. My daughter goes to her dads every other weekend, and my partner looks after my daughter the Saturday when she's here with us.

Anyway to cut a long story short (or try to) last year I started getting it into my head that I really wanted another baby - with my current partner. I hadn't been on the pill and we hadn't been using contraception for quite some time. The thoughts of wanting a baby have only increased more and more over the last 4 months I'd say and whenever I mentioned it to my partner he'd say let's do it , and agree with me. Fast forward to the 19th may this year and I find out I'm pregnant. I was so happy and when I told my partner so was he. I stupidly called people up, my 2 bosses , 2 work colleagues and my mum and sister. Everyone was happy. The next day my partner started having doubts. He said that he is worried about his age (he is 45, the age gap has never been an issue for us) that when he is blah blah the kid would be .. and so on. He said we don't really have the room (which is true as I only have a 2 bed place) that financially it would be very hard as we would have to put the baby into nursery at 6 months so I could go back to work. He said that I'm just starting to get my life back as I was very young when I had my daughter and that we need to remember the baby will be around for a long time and won't stay a baby forever. I completely understand his worries and I know he is right. Anyway he was the one to bring up the idea of an abortion - but he said it's also my choice and he will support me no matter what. since then I've been in utter turmoil. We went to an initial consultation a couple of weeks back at our local bpas clinic, I had a scan and saw a councillor. I was 6 weeks and 1 day. I saw its heartbeat as did my partner. I got copies of the photos and had my counselling and left. More and more talking with my partner and going round in circles I ended up booking a surgical abortion for yesterday. We went there I was in bits and my partner even cried but as I was about to sign the consent form I said 'I can't do this' and left with partner. I ended up feeling bad for bottling it and wasting my partners time ( he has taken time off work to be with me at every appointment) I received a call from the clinic later that day the councillor asked if I was ok and I said I was and still want to go through with the abortion but I want to take the pill instead so I can at least be at home with some privacy (it also seems less invasive) . So the first pill appointment is on Tuesday and the second one on Thursday. I'm supposed to be working Tuesday and Wednesday, I don't know what to say to work. I'm worried I won't be able to go through with again but I feel like I will have to because by then I will be 8 weeks. I'm worried about the second pill and starting to see blood and be in pain. But I'm also worried about the first pill and knowing I have just killed my baby. My partner has already booked the days off with work. Thursdays appointment is at half past 1 so my partner will probably have to pick my daughter up from school as it may have started by then. I'm terrified of what I will go through, I don't want my daughter to see me I've told my partner that. I'm scared incase something goes wrong. I'm scared of how I will feel after i really don't want to hate my partner as I love him but feel like I will anyway. How will I tell my colleagues my family what I've done. What if they hate my partner or me ? The worst part as well is that a colleague I work with is also pregnant and she's about 3 weeks ahead of me. She's keeping her baby. It's funny because she's the same age I was when I had my baby. It will be so hard to watch her go through with having her baby. I wish I could quit my job but I can't as I have brilliant hours that fit around my daughters schools

I know that having a termination would probably be for the best in our situation but the what ifs are already there. My partner doesn't live with me yet although it was always on the cards for this year. If we had the baby I'd be relying a lot on him for money which I don't want to do. As you may have guessed I've grown fiercely independent , and I feel like me relying on him won't be good. I also know I can't afford to raise a second child alone. It would mean having to go back in time 5 years and possibly go back to being on income support which I really don't want. I'd also lose my job which fits around school and would probably struggle finding a job with similar hours.

Please , I don't know if anyone could help. And I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just terrified of what to expect. We are meant to be going away , my partner me and my daughter next Friday (the day after the second lot of pills) and I know it's not going to make me any happier.

I'd be very grateful for any advice .

Thank you for reading

Xxx

Hey OP I don't really have any advise other than basically if YOU don't want the abortion then don't have it.

To be honest it sounds like your partner is being supportive but also controlling. He made plans with you to make a baby and now you have made that baby he wants out? well that's not really how life works I'm afraid and you need to be strong and tell him that!

Your wants should always come before a man's OP

Are you being rushed?

Please don't rush, take some time - you have weeks before you have to act. Take some time to decide what is best for you and your existing child, unless you are already happy with your decision.

I get the impression your partner thinks the pregnancy can be 'cancelled' as he has changed his mind (panicking at the reality of impending responsibility?), but it may or may not be that way for you.

It sounds like you don't want an abortion. People cope with much less than you and it sounds like you did a great job in difficult circumstances before, and been rewarded with a wonderful child. Don't allow yourself to be pressured by your partner. Many men are much older than him. Make the best choice for you 💐

Thank you so much for all of your replies and taking the time to read my post. I really don't want to have the abortion but I feel like I have no choice. If I went ahead with the pregnancy and something didn't work out between me and my partner I would be struggling majorly to bring them both up financially. I feel like terminating is safeguarding mine and my daughters future. It might not be what I want but at least if it doesn't work out between me and my partner (but I hope it will) I will still be able to provide for my existing child who is here right now. I feel so selfish for thinking this way I know people get by with a lot less than me, but I have been there before when I was on Income support I don't want to go there again. Times are hard as it is. I'm scared of the physical and emotional effects this will have on me and I'm scared I'll never get over it. :( xx

If you are not 100% sure do not have an abortion. I know someone in the same kind of situation. They never got passed it as they hadn't wanted it and they came to resent and hate their partner.

Even if it didn't work out with your partner, wouldn't he support you financially? Do you think he's the sort of person who'd leave you in the lurch?

You DO have a choice. Please believe me when I say from experience, being forced into a termination that you don't is awful, life changingly awful in some respects, I won't say too much on here but feel free to pm me. Please only do it if YOU want to.

Apologies for anyone that thinks I'm being dramatic and scaremongering.

I don't know how many hours you work but would you qualify for maternity money of any kind. Tax credits would help with child care if needed so you could return to work.

For some people, terminating a pregnancy is right thing for them, and mainly brings relief. You have said that you will be killing your baby. It's already eating you up and it hasn't even happened yet. You clearly won't be relieved, you've bonded with this pregnancy, and terminating is going to break your heart and very likely your relationship, as you will (justly) blame your partner for forcing you to terminate a planned and wanted pregnancy.

Whilst I have no experience of this at all, I would say that if you go through this, your relationship with your partner will break down anyway. You evidently don't want this termination, it's obvious from what you have written. You will, as a PP said, end up resenting him for basically pushing you into.

Everyone panics about how they are going to cope, it's a normal reaction - I was 35, in a great job, married to an amazing person and completely stable financially and I had a complete melt-down about how we would cope. It's normal.

Just don't feel rushed into this please. You will regret it.

Daisysmummy17 it does sound like you do t really want the abortion but are scared what the future holds. As for your partners age, perhaps he should have thought about that beforehand. I'm 45 and pregnant, my partner is 47, so we are going to be older parents but we knew this before trying for a baby. Does your partner work? If so he will have to support your child whatever happens in your relationship. Please don't rush anything, regrets are awful. Much love

• Don't

This is your choice, not his. If you want the baby then go for it. Maybe your relationship with the partner will be fine, maybe you'll split up but you'll be able to cope either way. You've been through it once before and you know you're strong enough. And you're still young. Tbh, he doesn't sound like he's been too supportive of you in this, more controlling. Would it be better if you didn't see him for a couple of weeks while you try to decide what to do ... and talk to a family member or professional counsellor without him there?

I agree with pp, having an abortion you don't really want because you've been convinced that it's the sensible thing to do is a terribly bad idea.

It's not about what your colleagues and family will think, you don't have to tell them. Obviously you'd have to tell them you were no longer pregnant, but they don't need to know any more than that.

Take as much time as you need. You have a long time yet to decide (and even beyond the abortion limit you could consider adoption), it sounds like you are definitely not ready at the moment.

Wow I'm truly overwhelmed with the responses on here. Thank you. I work 16 hours currently and my wage is £8.68 so not much :( I would qualify for maternity and I guess tax credits but my partner wants to move in so the help I currently get with my rent etc etc would all go if he did. It's funny I keep doing the lottery lately hoping I might win and I can keep this baby and have a wonderful life. I know if things didn't work out with my partner he wouldn't leave me in the lurch but I want a proper family and for this child to be wanted by both parents. I'm so sad. I'll be 8 weeks next week by the time the date is here I've left it this long because I've literally been going backwards and forwards

Twinkle I wish my partner had the same mindset as your partner :( I don't care about his age so why does he. My partner does work but he's mentioned before when discussing this how in the next 5 years he should be slowing down not speeding up and how he doesn't want to be working past retirement age etc. Fink - you've said I've been through it before and your right. That's actually what the lady at the clinic said to me. Most people think I should ditch him if I terminate. But I love him so much and since he has been around mine and my daughters life has only got better. I really don't think he sees the enormity of this whole situation for me. I thought it was what we both wanted. He said he feels like he's let me down. The lady at the clinic said he has and I burst into tears :(

If I were you I wouldn't go through with it. I nearly had one at 22 weeks not understanding the full consequences or development of my baby and Bpas didn't tell me half the things I should've known well why would they tell you the gory parts... and as a result I now have a beautiful one year old boy who I love more than anything. If you want one have one. You and your fella sound stable and although their are doubts when is there a good time really? You'll make it work. Please don't make a mistake. Do what your heart says is right for you, not what your head says is right for everyone else

Please think about what you want. It sounds like you do want the baby and your relationship with your partner could always go either way whether or not you have your baby. He will have to support you financially with the baby whether with you or not and contribute if he did move in with you. Do you really want to be with someone that doesn't contribute or would leave you with nothing if you were to split?
In my experience a child doesn't have to cost that much and it's only the first few years of childcare that cost before things start to reduce.
I hope you are able to take some time to decide what you truly want. The economics of it all can be solved. The baby can always share a room with you for the first few years though your older child may be begging to share a room with him/her!
Go with your heart and be careful having an abortion if that's not what you want as it could cause you long term issues as well. Hope you are ok.

Thank you Nelly - I'm so happy you didn't go through with it and now have your beautiful child. My partner actually said to me 'it's not like you're childless' when we've been discussing it before. That's not the point. He's happy being a stepdad and he's a great one I just don't understand why he thinks everything would return to normal , because I know it wouldn't. I know he would support me but he's also very selfish. He does everything for me and my daughter but he also enjoys every other Saturday playing about with his sports car or doing his own thing. The other week he was watching YouTube videos of cars and I was watching videos of abortion experiences :(( I feel like he needs to grow up. I also feel like it's not fair on this baby to bring him to this world where he was not truly wanted by his father. My partner has always said he's 50/50 he loves the idea of Tiny hands and feet etc but he also knows it's going to be really hard for the next 5 years and I think he doesn't want to let go of his own time. He said before that he likes being able to have a drink at the weekend and chill out after a long week at work. It seems he isn't willing to make the same sacrifices as me.

Oh OP, my heart is aching for you. Your other half just sounds so selfish and ignorant, as though he can't see why should he care about the emotional trauma you're going through when having a baby means he can't get a nice car or do hobbies all the time.

If you have an abortion and then the relationship breaks down for whatever reason, how do you think you will feel? Will you cope with it, or will you be filled with regret?

I'm so so sorry that you're in this situation. I know what I would do, but no one can tell you what's best for you

Do not do it OP!!!

You sound so regretful already and no doubt this will end up ruining your relationship as you will resent your partner for making you do something you so obviously do not want to do!!

If you continue with this pregnancy and your relationship does end at least you know it happened because you chose love and to have a beautiful baby you so desperately wanted!! Money cannot buy love!

You know in your heart if you go through with this you will spend every day regretting it and thinking about your baby, after you see the heartbeat it's different I know because I have been there! Me and my partner considered abortion then we seen our gorgeous beans heartbeat and I could not do it! There is this little baby inside you who is a part of you and will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life!

I hope this helps but I can just see from your posts you so obviously don't want to do it!

X

It really and truly sounds like your heart is screaming at you that you dont want to do this. You do have a choice and money may be tight but it sounds like things would work themselves out. I say listen to your heart and do the thing you are least likely to regret... Which sounds like it is to keep the bab. Your dh s reasons aren't that string and so you have a difficult decision to make if he doesn't agree. But I think he is just panicking and all will be ok on the day.. but no one can tell for sure except you.

Thank you again to all of you it's amazing the kindness of strangers ❤️ The other day it sounds silly but I was walking in to work and there were songs playing in the shopping centre one of them being rebecca fergusons song -'no money no house no car can beat love' and then the song by the fray 'how to save a life' it made me think it was a sign. I know it sounds silly but it really did. I wish I was strong enough to stand up for what I really want but I just cannot justify jeaopardising my daughters future. At the same time if I went ahead with the termination I'm worried I'd end up resenting my daughter as I've read others experiences and some have felt that way. That would make me feel awful. I understand that some people terminate because of awful circumstances, rape etc I've even read how mothers of two feel like they have no choice because they can't afford a third etc. I feel like two really wouldn't be that hard for me. It makes me so sad as I thought this was what both me and my partner wanted he knew exactly what he was doing I was even telling him my fertile days and he was planning around that. I had been using the ovia app for over a year logging my periods and tracking and he was well aware of that. It makes me so sad that he had a change of mind. All he kept saying was how he wished we had spoken about it more. And I agree. I guess I got carried away with the whole romanticism of it all I feel like it's all my fault. Now his doubts have become my doubts but I know that's only in the mind. I feel so deeply troubled

One more here saying you need to think about what YOU want. It's not like you trapped him deliberately. He's changed his mind, and there's no reason why you should pay the price for that, and carry the guilt of an abortion you don't want. What if he changed his mind at 5 months? Or 6? What would he do then? Or what if you go through the abortion, and you break up anyway?

Be aware that if you keep the baby, it'll be hard on your relationship, and it may even mean you parent alone. But you did without him before, and you could do again.

For reference- I had a chemical termination at 8wks years ago, which I found straightforward and easy, and have never regretted. So if you go through with it, you shouldn't worry about the procedure. But I don't think yours would be regret-free, so I'm worried you'd be making the wrong choice.

Please take your time, I really hope you can start to put what you want first. Everything will fall into place, things have a habit of doing so, even if it isn't always what we originally planned. I sense so strongly you want this baby

So he wants you to go thorough a traumatic abortion that you don't want so that he can slow down at work and carry on playing with cars and chilling with his friends at the weekend? After he planned this pregnancy with you? No fucking way. I feel angry for you!

You sound like a great mum who has made things work in spite of challenging circumstances. You say you wish you were stronger, but you ARE strong.

Your DP is fucking with your brain. He needs to put on his big boy pants because he's made a baby now, through choice no less, and he needs to take responsibility for that decision. He says he'll support you whatever happens? Good. Do what you want to do, OP.