Abortion booked and terrified

[DaisysMummy17]

Hi I'm really hoping someone can help me and please don't judge me. Here is my story. I have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 6 years old. When I fell pregnant with her it was very much unplanned but me and her dad went along with it and never once did the decision to terminate crop up. Since having her my life has changed so much for the better. When I was pregnant with her I was 20, living at home with my dad and siblings and his girlfriend (who is only 2 years older than me, I'm 27) she was also pregnant about 3 months ahead of me. To cut a long story short she didn't want me there because she was worried about my dad loving my baby more than theirs (ridiculous I know). My dad never told me the real reason I found this out later on, but he told me I had to go and live with my mum because the babies would 'disrupt each other' so that is what I did. My mum was kind enough to let me live with her. It was in a different town to where my partner lived so I would always make the effort to get the bus to take her to visit him. He only came to my mums a couple of times. So there I was breastfeeding my tiny baby for about 5 months by myself at mums , in a tiny box room. I knew I needed to get my own place so I was always bidding on the council list (my dad wrote to the council as well to let them know he was evicting me) and managed to get my own place for me and my daughter. Moved out of my mums into our own place, life wasn't easy , but We managed. I was previously working full time in retail but because I was only officially contracted for 6 hours , they wouldn't give me any more hours than that when I wanted to go back to work. I decided to quit my job and ended up on income support for 3 years. This was great because it gave me all the time in the world to enjoy my daughter and I think because of it she has turned into the intelligent little girl she is now. Myself and her father ended up splitting up although we have always remained amicable for the sake of our daughter.

I met my current partner when my daughter was 1 and a half. We have been together nearly 5 years now and I love him immensely. He is brilliant with my daughter, he has done so much to help around the house , decorating, carpets you name it he has been brilliant. When my daughter was three I got myself back into work (only part time and retail again) but earning a decent wage and working tax credits have helped immensely. I have a bit of money spare, albeit not a lot but I can provide for my daughter even on my own. I haven't got a great network of support for childcare , I haven't spoken to my dad since the day I left (and he has never once met my daughter although he had the chance) my mum lives in another town and I don't see her often, she's always busy doing her own thing and has a 10 year old herself. Most of the time when I'm at work and need someone to help I rely on my Younger brother he's very sweet. My daughter goes to her dads every other weekend, and my partner looks after my daughter the Saturday when she's here with us.

Anyway to cut a long story short (or try to) last year I started getting it into my head that I really wanted another baby - with my current partner. I hadn't been on the pill and we hadn't been using contraception for quite some time. The thoughts of wanting a baby have only increased more and more over the last 4 months I'd say and whenever I mentioned it to my partner he'd say let's do it , and agree with me. Fast forward to the 19th may this year and I find out I'm pregnant. I was so happy and when I told my partner so was he. I stupidly called people up, my 2 bosses , 2 work colleagues and my mum and sister. Everyone was happy. The next day my partner started having doubts. He said that he is worried about his age (he is 45, the age gap has never been an issue for us) that when he is blah blah the kid would be .. and so on. He said we don't really have the room (which is true as I only have a 2 bed place) that financially it would be very hard as we would have to put the baby into nursery at 6 months so I could go back to work. He said that I'm just starting to get my life back as I was very young when I had my daughter and that we need to remember the baby will be around for a long time and won't stay a baby forever. I completely understand his worries and I know he is right. Anyway he was the one to bring up the idea of an abortion - but he said it's also my choice and he will support me no matter what. since then I've been in utter turmoil. We went to an initial consultation a couple of weeks back at our local bpas clinic, I had a scan and saw a councillor. I was 6 weeks and 1 day. I saw its heartbeat as did my partner. I got copies of the photos and had my counselling and left. More and more talking with my partner and going round in circles I ended up booking a surgical abortion for yesterday. We went there I was in bits and my partner even cried but as I was about to sign the consent form I said 'I can't do this' and left with partner. I ended up feeling bad for bottling it and wasting my partners time ( he has taken time off work to be with me at every appointment) I received a call from the clinic later that day the councillor asked if I was ok and I said I was and still want to go through with the abortion but I want to take the pill instead so I can at least be at home with some privacy (it also seems less invasive) . So the first pill appointment is on Tuesday and the second one on Thursday. I'm supposed to be working Tuesday and Wednesday, I don't know what to say to work. I'm worried I won't be able to go through with again but I feel like I will have to because by then I will be 8 weeks. I'm worried about the second pill and starting to see blood and be in pain. But I'm also worried about the first pill and knowing I have just killed my baby. My partner has already booked the days off with work. Thursdays appointment is at half past 1 so my partner will probably have to pick my daughter up from school as it may have started by then. I'm terrified of what I will go through, I don't want my daughter to see me I've told my partner that. I'm scared incase something goes wrong. I'm scared of how I will feel after i really don't want to hate my partner as I love him but feel like I will anyway. How will I tell my colleagues my family what I've done. What if they hate my partner or me ? The worst part as well is that a colleague I work with is also pregnant and she's about 3 weeks ahead of me. She's keeping her baby. It's funny because she's the same age I was when I had my baby. It will be so hard to watch her go through with having her baby. I wish I could quit my job but I can't as I have brilliant hours that fit around my daughters schools

I know that having a termination would probably be for the best in our situation but the what ifs are already there. My partner doesn't live with me yet although it was always on the cards for this year. If we had the baby I'd be relying a lot on him for money which I don't want to do. As you may have guessed I've grown fiercely independent , and I feel like me relying on him won't be good. I also know I can't afford to raise a second child alone. It would mean having to go back in time 5 years and possibly go back to being on income support which I really don't want. I'd also lose my job which fits around school and would probably struggle finding a job with similar hours.

Please , I don't know if anyone could help. And I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just terrified of what to expect. We are meant to be going away , my partner me and my daughter next Friday (the day after the second lot of pills) and I know it's not going to make me any happier.

I'd be very grateful for any advice .

Thank you for reading

Xxx

Your post is screaming at me that you don't want to do this. I'm respect that women should absolutely have the choice to abort if they want. They also should have the choice to NOT abort. You DO have a choice here, although I can see why it's not easy for you. I really fear you'll regret this forever from what you've said. Please don't be pressured into something that you'll have to live with for the rest of your life.

At the very least, there's no need to go through with it so quickly. Once done, it's irreversible. Delay the appointment, think hard what you want and talk to your partner. Good luck

It really sounds as if you want this baby. Have you thought about it from the perspective that your existing child may greatly benefit from having a brother or sister. It might be tough financially but there are other considerations in life. This baby could bring a lot of happiness and it really appears that your partner is playing games with you. I don't think I would care too much about what he wanted if I was in your position. Don't be bullied . Do what you want to do.

Thank you for all the new replies. I know it's not what I want but I feel like I've been made pregnant by the wrong man. Although I thought it was what we both wanted :/ I wish I could go back in time and not be pregnant. We were so happy before I feel like me getting carried away with the idea of a baby has ruined everything. Now I'm scared of having the termination and ending up hating him.

Lapetitesiren - my daughter would love a sibling I know she would that's what makes this even worse :(

I also wonder if I had the termination if I'd ever let him near me again (sexually) - or any other man if it didn't work out

I'm very pro-choice and therefore pro your clear preference to continue this pregnancy.
You can't rely on this man — he let you conceive a wanted child and then let you down.
If you terminate in the hope of keeping your current situation stable, he will just let you down in a different way a few years down the line.
Keep the baby; perhaps he'll step up.
If not, you sound like you want this baby enough to make him or her a wanted child ten times over, whether or not your partner gets over himself and grows up.

It seems very clear that you do not want a termination. Do not do it for him. Any man that would persuade his partner to terminate for his own selfish reasons is not worth it. Whatever you decide, do it for yourself. Take your time and think it through. Sorry he's putting you through this. If he had any balls he would put his arms around you and assure you everything will be fine and you'll make it work together. Terminate him (well your relationship with him anyway) whatever you decide. He's a selfish, pathetic POS.

Sorry this will sound very harsh, but I would find it very difficult to still love a partner who encouraged me to get pregnant, then once I got pregnant, wanted me to (in your own words) kill my baby.

As pp have said, do whatever YOU want to do.

You really don't sound like you want to go through with an abortion. I really think you should seek some more counselling before making a final decision. You also need to give your partner a hard dose of reality. He wanted this baby when it was conceived and he has clearly shit himself now that it has actually happened. Even when planned babies can be a big shock (I'm 31wks and still have days where I wonder what I was thinking and how am I going to cope!). He may need more time to come to terms with it but I don't think it sounds like you would ever come to terms with having an abortion.

As much as you are worried how it would affect you and your daughter if you had to raise this baby alone it would affect you both more if you go through with it and regret it

Sorry you're in this situation.
It's clear from your post that you want this baby. Your partner has been an arse, and I don't think you can rely on him, at least long term.
Things will be difficult if you have this baby but you WILL cope, with or without your partner.

Choose the baby over the man. Always.

It really sounds as if you want to keep this baby. And if you let your partner talk you into a termination you don't want, then I think it will probably end up ending your relationship eventually anyway. You'll resent him (understandably) and it sounds like you'd struggle to forgive yourself. It's actually abusive I think for a man to plan a pregnancy with you, and then when it happens to pressure you to terminate.
Please seek some independent counselling (not through an abortion provider - they have a vested interest in you going through with the procedure) and surround yourself with some good support.
Thinking of you. x

What you are all saying does make sense, and I wish I could just keep the baby but unfortunately it doesn't seem that straight forward to me. Frazzled - you are completely right I feel I can no longer rely on him and all I've ever done is rely on him for the last 5 years, he's always been there. I feel like if I had lots of money I'd walk away , even move away so I never have to deal with him or anyone else that knows about this situation again. Even though I love him that is what I'd do. I'm scared of the procedure as well , what if something happens to me and I can't care for my daughter ? I know these procedures are deemed relatively safe but I might be one of the unlucky ones. I'm worried about going to work if I terminate and having to be around the other pregnant girl who is keeping her baby. The councillor said to me that the only similarity is that we are both pregnant and her situation is completely different to mine. I want to give my daughter a sibling I really do. In some ways I think maybe this is meant to happen and I am meant to go through this pain and then more pain of my relationship breaking down. Maybe there is a future out there with someone else. People have said I could always meet someone else and have kids with them , I'm 27 and if I ever did meet someone else by the time I've got to know and trust them I fear it would nearly be too late. If I terminate I don't think I could go through with another pregnancy again. I wouldn't deserve to.

As always thank you so much to everyone for your time 💗 Xx

Thank you coldtatty. It's really rather scary to hear that they have a vested interest in me going through with a termination. I think in fact , rather morbid.

I don't know if I mentioned it in my first post but I was supposed to have a surgical termination yesterday under sedation but after having everything explained to me by the nurse and given the consent forms, I looked at it for a while and said 'I'm sorry I can't do this' and walked out. They called me not long after To 'see how I was feeling' I ended up saying that the procedure wasn't for me and that I would prefer the medical abortion (I'm not sure why I said it , perhaps it's what I thought my partner wanted to hear) and they booked me in. I am supposed to be working on Tuesday when it's booked. I have no idea what to say to my boss. My partner has already booked the days off work. He hasn't spoken to me about it since. I think he thinks the decision is final. He saw what a state I was in last time. Why can't he just say 'let's do this' ? Why isn't he trying to save me. Saying he will support my decision and that he's 50/50 about keeping the baby just doesn't seem enough to me. I want someone to be 100%. I keep thinking in the back of my mind maybe he will surprise me. Maybe I will come home one day to find a Moses basket that's he bought. Ha. Another romanticist dream. :(

I also keep thinking - do I really want to have this baby and be connected to a selfish man like him for the next 18+ years. If he truly loved me there would be no question about keeping it. I'm now starting to doubt his love for me.

He's not going to do that OP. This isn't going to end in any scenario your brain is coming up with.

He tried playing at being a grown up and his bottle went. He's shown you he will never have your back. If you have a termination you'll end up ditching him anyway or he will because you 'won't go back to normal ' he will find that this can't be erased as if it never happened. If you go through with it you'll end up doing all the hard slog on your own when he doesn't give up anything to support you.

Do not let him move in under any circumstances. You'll never look at him the same way again after this either way.

Have I misunderstood the op, I read the first paragraph as your ad to make the effort to take your daughter to your dad he wouldn't come to you, then I read the second paragraph as your dad never met your daughter?
I know it's not relevant it's just bugging me trying to understand as it's a long post

Pastysprincess- I will be disgusted with myself and I don't think I could ever trust a man again. It feels like they're all in for themselves and abortion is some sort of contraceptive measure to them. I don't know if I'd ever get over it but I know I would have to find some strength for my daughter or else end up in some sort of mental institution.

Gamerchick- I already feel like I don't want him to move in with me. And you're right it's not going to result in something happy my mind tries to dream up. Gamerchick , if you were me what would you do ? I feel like terminating would safeguard mine and my daughters future financially and I know people say it's not about money but in this day and age a lot of things boil down to that. I guess I thought my partner would support us financially and make up for my lack of earnings. I feel like if I terminated I might find the strength from somewhere to create an even better future by myself for my daughter and I. You're exactly right , if I had the baby I feel I would be doing it all alone and I've done that before I don't want to do it again. All I wanted was a happy family once and for all. I thought I had it and thought it would have it. Now it seems like that's all gone. :(

I am so very, very sorry. Your partner has put you in a dreadful position - you believed and his behaviour encouraged you to believe that you were conceiving a much wanted baby. Much wanted for both of you. You have shared your news and shared happiness with people you have told, including your mum and sister.

And then, he has changed his mind, suggested an abortion, and what? Is calmly getting on with his life? There is no way that this is love, sweetheart, this is someone who has cold-heartedly torn apart the ideas of family you had. You cannot let him move into you and your DD's house and take away your hard won independence if he can do that to you. This surely is not the main you thought you loved. Would you have loved him if you knew this would happen? No, you would have protected yourself.

Protect yourself now. You have a house, a DD, and by the sounds of it, supportive parents. If you want this baby, then cancel the abortion, take a deep breath and be true to yourself. If that is hard, think about what you would tell your DD if she were you. Talk to your mum and sister and see what they say, people who have your interests at heart. Take him out of the equation, and think about what you want.

Sorry, a supportive mother, your dad sounds like he put his own interests first too.

Wow, he's got a helluva cheek planned to have a baby with you, then bottled it and wants you to have a procedure on your body that you don't want. He's treating it all like having a fucking tooth filled. He's shown you what an arse he is, so there's no way you'll ever go back to trusting him again.

Don't do it! Cancel it tomorrow. Fuck thinking about him and his day off work and what he'll do.

Wouldn't even bother telling him, either, until the day. 'I'm not having it. That's final. I'm having this baby.'

The fuck I'd move him in, either. Let me guess, he thinks it should all be split 50/50 even though he earns a fuck load more? You're more mature than he'll ever be.

Have I misunderstood the op, I read the first paragraph as your ad to make the effort to take your daughter to your dad he wouldn't come to you, then I read the second paragraph as your dad never met your daughter?

The bairns dad not the OPs dad.

OP what I would do wouldn't help you. I'm a lot older than you and my baby days are well behind me.

What I will suggest though is to ask your bloke to stay away from you for a while so you can think. Is there someone else you can get some support from? You won't be able to think while he's around you.