Abortion booked and terrified

[DaisysMummy17]

Hi I'm really hoping someone can help me and please don't judge me. Here is my story. I have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 6 years old. When I fell pregnant with her it was very much unplanned but me and her dad went along with it and never once did the decision to terminate crop up. Since having her my life has changed so much for the better. When I was pregnant with her I was 20, living at home with my dad and siblings and his girlfriend (who is only 2 years older than me, I'm 27) she was also pregnant about 3 months ahead of me. To cut a long story short she didn't want me there because she was worried about my dad loving my baby more than theirs (ridiculous I know). My dad never told me the real reason I found this out later on, but he told me I had to go and live with my mum because the babies would 'disrupt each other' so that is what I did. My mum was kind enough to let me live with her. It was in a different town to where my partner lived so I would always make the effort to get the bus to take her to visit him. He only came to my mums a couple of times. So there I was breastfeeding my tiny baby for about 5 months by myself at mums , in a tiny box room. I knew I needed to get my own place so I was always bidding on the council list (my dad wrote to the council as well to let them know he was evicting me) and managed to get my own place for me and my daughter. Moved out of my mums into our own place, life wasn't easy , but We managed. I was previously working full time in retail but because I was only officially contracted for 6 hours , they wouldn't give me any more hours than that when I wanted to go back to work. I decided to quit my job and ended up on income support for 3 years. This was great because it gave me all the time in the world to enjoy my daughter and I think because of it she has turned into the intelligent little girl she is now. Myself and her father ended up splitting up although we have always remained amicable for the sake of our daughter.

I met my current partner when my daughter was 1 and a half. We have been together nearly 5 years now and I love him immensely. He is brilliant with my daughter, he has done so much to help around the house , decorating, carpets you name it he has been brilliant. When my daughter was three I got myself back into work (only part time and retail again) but earning a decent wage and working tax credits have helped immensely. I have a bit of money spare, albeit not a lot but I can provide for my daughter even on my own. I haven't got a great network of support for childcare , I haven't spoken to my dad since the day I left (and he has never once met my daughter although he had the chance) my mum lives in another town and I don't see her often, she's always busy doing her own thing and has a 10 year old herself. Most of the time when I'm at work and need someone to help I rely on my Younger brother he's very sweet. My daughter goes to her dads every other weekend, and my partner looks after my daughter the Saturday when she's here with us.

Anyway to cut a long story short (or try to) last year I started getting it into my head that I really wanted another baby - with my current partner. I hadn't been on the pill and we hadn't been using contraception for quite some time. The thoughts of wanting a baby have only increased more and more over the last 4 months I'd say and whenever I mentioned it to my partner he'd say let's do it , and agree with me. Fast forward to the 19th may this year and I find out I'm pregnant. I was so happy and when I told my partner so was he. I stupidly called people up, my 2 bosses , 2 work colleagues and my mum and sister. Everyone was happy. The next day my partner started having doubts. He said that he is worried about his age (he is 45, the age gap has never been an issue for us) that when he is blah blah the kid would be .. and so on. He said we don't really have the room (which is true as I only have a 2 bed place) that financially it would be very hard as we would have to put the baby into nursery at 6 months so I could go back to work. He said that I'm just starting to get my life back as I was very young when I had my daughter and that we need to remember the baby will be around for a long time and won't stay a baby forever. I completely understand his worries and I know he is right. Anyway he was the one to bring up the idea of an abortion - but he said it's also my choice and he will support me no matter what. since then I've been in utter turmoil. We went to an initial consultation a couple of weeks back at our local bpas clinic, I had a scan and saw a councillor. I was 6 weeks and 1 day. I saw its heartbeat as did my partner. I got copies of the photos and had my counselling and left. More and more talking with my partner and going round in circles I ended up booking a surgical abortion for yesterday. We went there I was in bits and my partner even cried but as I was about to sign the consent form I said 'I can't do this' and left with partner. I ended up feeling bad for bottling it and wasting my partners time ( he has taken time off work to be with me at every appointment) I received a call from the clinic later that day the councillor asked if I was ok and I said I was and still want to go through with the abortion but I want to take the pill instead so I can at least be at home with some privacy (it also seems less invasive) . So the first pill appointment is on Tuesday and the second one on Thursday. I'm supposed to be working Tuesday and Wednesday, I don't know what to say to work. I'm worried I won't be able to go through with again but I feel like I will have to because by then I will be 8 weeks. I'm worried about the second pill and starting to see blood and be in pain. But I'm also worried about the first pill and knowing I have just killed my baby. My partner has already booked the days off with work. Thursdays appointment is at half past 1 so my partner will probably have to pick my daughter up from school as it may have started by then. I'm terrified of what I will go through, I don't want my daughter to see me I've told my partner that. I'm scared incase something goes wrong. I'm scared of how I will feel after i really don't want to hate my partner as I love him but feel like I will anyway. How will I tell my colleagues my family what I've done. What if they hate my partner or me ? The worst part as well is that a colleague I work with is also pregnant and she's about 3 weeks ahead of me. She's keeping her baby. It's funny because she's the same age I was when I had my baby. It will be so hard to watch her go through with having her baby. I wish I could quit my job but I can't as I have brilliant hours that fit around my daughters schools

I know that having a termination would probably be for the best in our situation but the what ifs are already there. My partner doesn't live with me yet although it was always on the cards for this year. If we had the baby I'd be relying a lot on him for money which I don't want to do. As you may have guessed I've grown fiercely independent , and I feel like me relying on him won't be good. I also know I can't afford to raise a second child alone. It would mean having to go back in time 5 years and possibly go back to being on income support which I really don't want. I'd also lose my job which fits around school and would probably struggle finding a job with similar hours.

Please , I don't know if anyone could help. And I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just terrified of what to expect. We are meant to be going away , my partner me and my daughter next Friday (the day after the second lot of pills) and I know it's not going to make me any happier.

I'd be very grateful for any advice .

Thank you for reading

Xxx

Hi I really don't think you should go through with it, you wanted another child, which says something, I feel this is your partners decision and not yours, you, your daughter and your baby will be perfectly happy and fine on your own if things didn't work out with your partner.

How are you feeling today DaisysMummy?

Hi twinkle thank you for asking. I'm ok , feeling a bit sad. I said to my partner last night that I'm terrified about Tuesday and he said 'you'll be alright' in a reassuring way. It doesn't seem like he will change his mind. I just don't get it. He's a brilliant stepdad to my daughter I don't understand why he wouldn't like one of his own :( xx

Hi daisymummy please please consider cancelling the abortion. It just doesn't sounds like it's the right thing for you. As another poster said, normally if you feel like it's right, you'll feel relief afterwards. But I think all you will feel is very sad, and resentful of your partner for putting you in this situation.

It is so unfair that you were TTC and once you successfully became pregnant he changed his mind! I honestly think by the sounds of it that you will resent him and will find it very difficult to get over if you go ahead with it.

I think you need to talk to him about it, telling him you're not sure about this. I've just read where you said about hearing that song 'how to save a life' and it made me cry thinking about how you will feel in the future if you go ahead with it.

If having this child is the right thing for you, you will make it work. He might come around, and he might not, but that is up to him. You need to do what's right for you.

Another point is that he sounds (other than this) like a fairly decent guy, a great step dad etc.

But you made a decision together to have children- you were so happy when you found out and were ringing people to tell them. Now he has made a decision that he doesn't want them, yet he assumes that you'll stay with him, and will just get used to the idea that you can never have children again as he feels he's too old. What if you decide you want to keep it, can you not also assume that he will also stay with you, and come around to your way of thinking and will also adapt? Do you think he would be as black and white as to end the relationship? (You know him best)

You sound like a very strong woman. I know you're faltering at the moment but I sense that underneath, you're tougher. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide. xxx

Hi withcheeseplease thank you for commenting. I already know I will regret the abortion i think about it every day. I'm pretty sure my partner knows how I'm feeling as I'm barely able to crack a smile I'm not myself at all and usually we are so happy together. He is desperately trying to make me happy , he's doing a lot of things around the house , cooking my daughter dinner and generally being helpful in any way he can. I wish he would say let's just keep it but I don't think he's going to. I don't know why he thinks things will be okay afterwards or that I will be ok. I'm very scared that I'm not going to be okay for a long long time. However I know if I was to keep the baby and things were to end between me and my partner at some point, that I am not financially stable enough on my own to support two children. I'm worried about childcare and nursery fees , although a few friends have said that I would get 70% of nursery fees paid for if i went it alone , I would get more working tax credits and I'd cope. But I don't know that for sure and I'm scared of taking that risk. Since getting back into work and coming off of income support I've turned my life around I really don't want to go back to that place it's not fair. I wish I could rewind time and that none of this would have happened , but my partner never came forward with his fears over ttc he just went along with it. I love him so much and he's not a bas person. I'm supported to be working on Tuesday which is day one of the procedure (first pill) I spoke to my boss about it and he just told me to tell my partner we're keeping it. He doesn't understand my worries over childcare etc. So now if I call in on Tuesday to say I'm not going in it will be obvious at To why. I'm thinking of going to the doctors tomorrow and see if I can get signed off with stress. That way I have my back covered with work. I wish I hadn't told so many people about the pregnancy. I guess I never thought there would be any doubts with regards to going ahead. I don't need to be judged by my boss and colleagues if I do go ahead. I need that job , it fits around school perfectly. Xx

Thank you ginswinger, bless you. This really does feel like the ultimate test of strength right now. Xx

I think this is your decision but I also think if you go through with this against your better judgement to keep the relationship, where do you draw the line? He is going to know you will go along with what he says, on the assurance that 'you will be alright'.
How does he know? It is your decision, your body, your pregnancy but jointly entered into. What he should be saying is 'what do YOU want to do?' But he knows that already, because you TTC together. You want the baby. Or you did. So how come he thinks 'you will be alright?' Are your wants of so little consequence?

As I say, if you want this baby, and you follow his will, not your own heart, then he can get you to do pretty much what he pleases, just so as not to upset the status quo.

Please, whatever you do, make sure it is what you want to do. You are the person who lives with the consequences not him. You do not need his permission or understanding to change your mind.

You sound as though you have friends who are supportive and can help you access what you'll need.

I really would not have this abortion-you have said you don't want it. It's not something you will stop regretting as you already know you don't want to do it.

I am sorry, that was a cross post. I think your boss is right, by the way. You are also entitled to child maintenance so you can factor that into financial calculations.

I still find it crazy that i am in this position. I have always been pro life and never understood why women get abortions , I always thought it was because of rape , one night stands , cheating partners etc but there's so many different circumstances in which a woman is faced with that decision. Its never something i thought I'd ever be faced with. Now I feel so ignorant about it all, and it makes me quite sad the stigma that still surrounds abortion. I know people are entitled to their beliefs and opinions on the matter but I guess unless you're in the position who are we to judge. I'm utterly grateful to every one of you that has taken the time to read my post and offer words of advice. Thank you for not judging me xxx

Hi cocoaleaves , hope you are well, thank you for commenting again :) You're absolutely right , where is the line drawn if I go ahead with it? I feel scared to talk to him right now because I feel like I'm gonna piss him off I think as far as he's concerned it's a done deal. Never mind the fact I tried to speak to him last night and he said 'you'll be alright' when I told him how scared I was. Our relationship has been great up until the day after we found out and he spoke about his doubts. I wonder how it will change in the future I think he thinks he's superman and that he will be able to make it all okay. I might talk to him about it later some more, although I know it's probably going to annoy him. I think he feels that there is no room in our lives now for a baby and that this is all for the best. He always says he wish he'd thought it through more then we might not be in this position. If I knew how he would feel before we ttc I certainly wouldn't have put myself in this position. In fact I think I would have been fine with how he felt, even though I would have liked a sibling for my daughter , I would have done (and will do anyway) everything I could to give her the best life I can. He said to me a while back that he's worried a few years down the line that I may end the relationship because I want to find someone else to have a baby with. I don't get his logic :/ xxx

Sounds like you are being forced. I think you will regret this. You could manage as a single parent and he can pay maintenance.

You are going to feel awful and regret the decision.

This is absolutely heartbreaking, and I'm so sorry you're faced with this. I think it's a very good idea to take the week off work for stress leave (one way or the other). This is a huge thing you're trying to work through.

So sorry you're in this situation. I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling.
Has he considered that, if you go through with it, it may cause problems that could result in you splitting up? Wanting someone to have an abortion when they wanted the baby is a huge ask, as you know, and I honestly don't see how your relationship can ever be the same again.

DaisysMummy17 you can check what you'd be entitled to online.

It sounds very much like you would be entitled to extra tax credits and help with childcare.

It sounds very much like you are being forced in to this. If this was the right thing for you I think you would know it and wouldn't feel like this at all.

Can you just tell yourself you will delay it for a while? Cancel Tuesday, find out what you would be entitled to if you went it alone, also consider that he may even step up after.

Take time to decide what you want to do. It sounds awfully like you feel pressured in to a decision that will make you feel awful, sad and resentful.

Have you spoke to him about maybe wanting to keep the baby, I think he really needs to understand how your feeling, and the end of the day you were both ttc, he shouldn't just be able to change his mind like that.

It sounds to me like the relationship has been put on notice whichever way - do you think you'll be able to go back to normal after the abortion?

Since the relationship is pretty much over regardless, I'd consider it finished and then decide what to do about the baby as a single person. Might be worth finding out more about what you'd be entitled to etc

I think if you are scared to talk to him in case you piss him off, your relationship has a problem . You do need to fully air how you feel and see what he says.

Thing is, he doesn't get to make a unilateral decision now about whether there is room in your lives for a baby. That decision was made on his part when you had unprotected sex! He cannot bolt the stable door on that account. You plural are not in this position; he is putting you singular in this position.

When you spoke to him and said you were scared did you make clear that it isn't yhe actual procedure you are scared of but actually the fact that you don't want to go through with it at all. I think you need to be really blunt with him on that.

Also speak to citizens advice. They will be able to advise you what you would be entitled to should it come to that. I know you have been there before and it was a struggle but you made it through and I bet you wouldn't change your daughter for the world. I really worry that you won't get over this decision as it seems clear that emotionally you do not want to go ahead.

You have time to think about this further and make your own mind up. I would cancel Tuesday and let yourself have some extra time to breathe and think.

How do you feel about never having another child? That's effectively what your DP is saying. If you terminate this pregnancy and stay with him, then you'll never have another baby.

He wants to slow down in the next 5 years but you're still very young! I get the impression he's provided you with some security over the last 5 years, but that doesn't mean you owe him the rest of your life.

It is so hard to move on after a termination. There's no way you're going to want to go on holiday on Friday if you do go through with this week.

I would honestly recommend delaying your appointment, asking your DP to stay away for a couple of weeks and give yourself space to make your own decision.

If you decide to terminate then let it be your decision. No one will berate you for it

He sounds like a compleat mind fuck...come on you can do this.you did before.this is your daughters sibling.she will love you having a baby.you will be a little family the three of you,without him ruining things.plus he and the other dad must pay you maintenance and you will get plenty of tax credits...don't let him move in..don't don't ...you will loose financial independence if he moves in....you have your own place.you are in a perfect place to do this alone....follow your heart x

Thank you as always everyone for your comments. I appreciate what you are all saying about giving myself time to think about this but I feel like time is running out. I will be 8 weeks on wednesday , the day after the procedure. I have known I am pregnant now for nearly a month , I found out on the 19th of may. At the last appointment at the clinic when I was supposed to have the surgical the lady asked me if I was sure because I was in tears. My partner said 'we've been over and over it' and we have spoken about it a lot. As far as he's concerned there's pros and cons but the cons outweigh everything I think for him. I know I need to speak to him and although I feel scared to it's not because of our relationship , it's because I feel he thinks it's already decided and my indecision is going to frustrate him. I'm scared that I'm almost coming way to his thinking , although I know my heart says otherwise. The annoying thing is that he's been planning to move in for quite some time now even before ttc so I feel like I can't say that he can't and that I'd do it alone. I don't want to do it alone. But as a PP said I would lose all of my financial security if he did. It's just so wrong :( xx