Abortion booked and terrified

[DaisysMummy17]

Hi I'm really hoping someone can help me and please don't judge me. Here is my story. I have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 6 years old. When I fell pregnant with her it was very much unplanned but me and her dad went along with it and never once did the decision to terminate crop up. Since having her my life has changed so much for the better. When I was pregnant with her I was 20, living at home with my dad and siblings and his girlfriend (who is only 2 years older than me, I'm 27) she was also pregnant about 3 months ahead of me. To cut a long story short she didn't want me there because she was worried about my dad loving my baby more than theirs (ridiculous I know). My dad never told me the real reason I found this out later on, but he told me I had to go and live with my mum because the babies would 'disrupt each other' so that is what I did. My mum was kind enough to let me live with her. It was in a different town to where my partner lived so I would always make the effort to get the bus to take her to visit him. He only came to my mums a couple of times. So there I was breastfeeding my tiny baby for about 5 months by myself at mums , in a tiny box room. I knew I needed to get my own place so I was always bidding on the council list (my dad wrote to the council as well to let them know he was evicting me) and managed to get my own place for me and my daughter. Moved out of my mums into our own place, life wasn't easy , but We managed. I was previously working full time in retail but because I was only officially contracted for 6 hours , they wouldn't give me any more hours than that when I wanted to go back to work. I decided to quit my job and ended up on income support for 3 years. This was great because it gave me all the time in the world to enjoy my daughter and I think because of it she has turned into the intelligent little girl she is now. Myself and her father ended up splitting up although we have always remained amicable for the sake of our daughter.

I met my current partner when my daughter was 1 and a half. We have been together nearly 5 years now and I love him immensely. He is brilliant with my daughter, he has done so much to help around the house , decorating, carpets you name it he has been brilliant. When my daughter was three I got myself back into work (only part time and retail again) but earning a decent wage and working tax credits have helped immensely. I have a bit of money spare, albeit not a lot but I can provide for my daughter even on my own. I haven't got a great network of support for childcare , I haven't spoken to my dad since the day I left (and he has never once met my daughter although he had the chance) my mum lives in another town and I don't see her often, she's always busy doing her own thing and has a 10 year old herself. Most of the time when I'm at work and need someone to help I rely on my Younger brother he's very sweet. My daughter goes to her dads every other weekend, and my partner looks after my daughter the Saturday when she's here with us.

Anyway to cut a long story short (or try to) last year I started getting it into my head that I really wanted another baby - with my current partner. I hadn't been on the pill and we hadn't been using contraception for quite some time. The thoughts of wanting a baby have only increased more and more over the last 4 months I'd say and whenever I mentioned it to my partner he'd say let's do it , and agree with me. Fast forward to the 19th may this year and I find out I'm pregnant. I was so happy and when I told my partner so was he. I stupidly called people up, my 2 bosses , 2 work colleagues and my mum and sister. Everyone was happy. The next day my partner started having doubts. He said that he is worried about his age (he is 45, the age gap has never been an issue for us) that when he is blah blah the kid would be .. and so on. He said we don't really have the room (which is true as I only have a 2 bed place) that financially it would be very hard as we would have to put the baby into nursery at 6 months so I could go back to work. He said that I'm just starting to get my life back as I was very young when I had my daughter and that we need to remember the baby will be around for a long time and won't stay a baby forever. I completely understand his worries and I know he is right. Anyway he was the one to bring up the idea of an abortion - but he said it's also my choice and he will support me no matter what. since then I've been in utter turmoil. We went to an initial consultation a couple of weeks back at our local bpas clinic, I had a scan and saw a councillor. I was 6 weeks and 1 day. I saw its heartbeat as did my partner. I got copies of the photos and had my counselling and left. More and more talking with my partner and going round in circles I ended up booking a surgical abortion for yesterday. We went there I was in bits and my partner even cried but as I was about to sign the consent form I said 'I can't do this' and left with partner. I ended up feeling bad for bottling it and wasting my partners time ( he has taken time off work to be with me at every appointment) I received a call from the clinic later that day the councillor asked if I was ok and I said I was and still want to go through with the abortion but I want to take the pill instead so I can at least be at home with some privacy (it also seems less invasive) . So the first pill appointment is on Tuesday and the second one on Thursday. I'm supposed to be working Tuesday and Wednesday, I don't know what to say to work. I'm worried I won't be able to go through with again but I feel like I will have to because by then I will be 8 weeks. I'm worried about the second pill and starting to see blood and be in pain. But I'm also worried about the first pill and knowing I have just killed my baby. My partner has already booked the days off with work. Thursdays appointment is at half past 1 so my partner will probably have to pick my daughter up from school as it may have started by then. I'm terrified of what I will go through, I don't want my daughter to see me I've told my partner that. I'm scared incase something goes wrong. I'm scared of how I will feel after i really don't want to hate my partner as I love him but feel like I will anyway. How will I tell my colleagues my family what I've done. What if they hate my partner or me ? The worst part as well is that a colleague I work with is also pregnant and she's about 3 weeks ahead of me. She's keeping her baby. It's funny because she's the same age I was when I had my baby. It will be so hard to watch her go through with having her baby. I wish I could quit my job but I can't as I have brilliant hours that fit around my daughters schools

I know that having a termination would probably be for the best in our situation but the what ifs are already there. My partner doesn't live with me yet although it was always on the cards for this year. If we had the baby I'd be relying a lot on him for money which I don't want to do. As you may have guessed I've grown fiercely independent , and I feel like me relying on him won't be good. I also know I can't afford to raise a second child alone. It would mean having to go back in time 5 years and possibly go back to being on income support which I really don't want. I'd also lose my job which fits around school and would probably struggle finding a job with similar hours.

Please , I don't know if anyone could help. And I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just terrified of what to expect. We are meant to be going away , my partner me and my daughter next Friday (the day after the second lot of pills) and I know it's not going to make me any happier.

I'd be very grateful for any advice .

Thank you for reading

Xxx

Definitely terminate - the relationship that Is! Tell him straight you can't go through with it and see what his reaction is. If he accepts that and stays, fair dos. But if he runs for the hills you've dodged a bullet.
Your body.....your decision.

Hi daisysmum how are you doing today? Did you take some time off work? Hope you managed to get some sleep last night.

Hi op, I hope you're ok this morning and not feeling too anxious. In my opinion I don't think a future exists where you get this termination and life goes back to being happy. You will resent him, he will resent you. You will resent the girl at work and work itself, your whole life will shift. You don't sound as though you want to give up this baby. Trust me, unless you are SURE- do not go through with this. If you want this baby that is all that matters. He's just panicking too - he was excited at first, it's a scary thing but this is his only chance to have a baby now - he may end up resenting you for going through with it

Please try and be blunt with him, or someone in your life, I hope you're ok sending lots of strength xxx

Hi ladies thank you for your comments. I'm okay this morning I managed to sleep pretty well last night considering the heat. Although I don't think I will sleep well tonight. My partner called me earlier from work and asked how I was feeling and said I must be worried about tomorrow. I told him that I am and that it's never a decision I'd be 100% sure of. He said again that he will support me either way but he's 50/50 and the childcare side of things is one of the biggest problems. He said that if I had the termination he doesn't think there would be a problem with our relationship as we're a strong couple. He said that it's basically crunch time now and that it's up to me. The thing is I don't feel like I can have a baby with someone that isn't fully on board. It's not fair on any of us. I spoke to a friend about it earlier and they told me that I need to start playing my cards close to my chest more as I've told so many people. They said why did you tell your boss you're booked in for an abortion tomorrow you haven't done yourself any favours , you could have callled in sick and then gone on to say youve have a miscarriage. They're right , I shouldn't have told anyone about this pregnancy and I wish I hadn't. I guess I'm just a really open and emotional sort of person that was quite excited in the beginning. My friend who I spoke to also said that sometimes in life you've got to be like a honey badger and 'just be hardcore' I wish it was that simple lol. I'm starting to think I should go through with the termination as it will be easier all round it's still not something I want to go through though.

Roselondoner- you're right I don't see my work situation improving and I'm sure I will hate being there if I go ahead with the termination. I also don't know what to do about tomorrow and Wednesday as I'm meant to be working , but I feel I will be too upset to work. I'm thinking of just telling my boss the truth and saying I need time off for it, but he doesn't really agree with abortion , him and his partner had 7 miscarriages previously before he had his two children. I'm still just as lost as I was in the beginning :( xxx

Your partner has been very clever. He has told you, you can keep the baby whilst simultaneously giving you no support to do so. Once you've had the termination he will then be absolved of any blame or responsibility because he didn't force you.

They're right , I shouldn't have told anyone about this pregnancy and I wish I hadn't.... no they are not right, they are wrong. You told people about it because you were so happy and excited about it at the time. Please don't feel bad about that.

Also, you're obviously quite close to your boss, and I think you are right to tell him the truth - he might not agree with it, but it's not his decision. I don't think you should listen to someone telling you "you should pretend you had a miscarriage" - IMO this would be way worse to say to your boss, particularly given that he has been through 7 himself. You are putting enough stress and pressure on yourself without having to lie on top of it, and watch what you said and to whom.

Dear Daisysmummy
my heart is breaking for you. It is totally your choice as you will live with the decision forever and don't beat yourself up with whatever you decide. There is one other wonderful option - Adoption. So many couples waiting and waiting on a baby to adopt and they could give yours an amazing life and home. Please consider this wonderful gift that you could give to someone else who may never have their own kids.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

Pastysprincess - you're right , he has been very clever. And if I do go ahead and terminate he thinks he will be able to make it all okay but I fear it wouldn't. I wish I was clever enough to have thought this through properly before ttc. I wish I was in a position where I could support the child financially alone if needs be. Then I'd have a back up plan. Right now it feels as if my only back up plan is to terminate and then that way I know I'll be ok to look after my existing daughter. I really don't want to take the risk of being a single mum again. My friend also said that I might meet someone else one day and that I still have time to have a baby. I always said to my partner that I'd like another baby before I'm 30, and I'm 27 now. I don't think I could through with another pregnancy again, I don't think I'd deserve to after terminating, and the emotional feelings would be too much. I fear it would bring it all back. I'm still no closer to a decision. Xxx

Dear Daisy'smummy
I forgot to add this. here is a website to check out. you can find a phone number of an agency near you and have a chat with them..

www.adoptionuk.org/about-adoption/find-agency-near-you

Honestly? I think your partner doesn't want to be serious with you. Doesn't want to officially move in,start a family with you and definitely doesn't want to marry you!

So many men will date a woman, for years even. But run a mile once that woman gets pregnant.

www.brook.org.uk/your-life/adoption

Daisy'smummy17 check out the above website it might help you decide if adoption is the right or wrong option for you and at least you have looked at all the options before you decide.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation particularly since the pregnancy was planned. Your partner is being very selfish here - he can see no further than his own point of view. To change his mind after the 'event' is heartless and cruel especially as it is plain to see that you very much want this baby. Surely he knows you want it? If he really has no idea then I honestly don't think you are with the right man. I would tell him that you ARE keeping this baby. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

There is no way you could have forseen this happening as he'd agreed to have a baby . He has been a total shit.

I can only see one way your relationship could survive this and it's if you keep the child and he steps up as the father.
BUT he's told you it's 50/50 for him.

So you essentially need to check whether you can survive financially without him if you do keep the baby.

Also if you do split up you could still meet someone else regardless of whether or not you keep this baby.

Your partner isn't doing anything to make it ok now, you would be silly to expect him to suddenly change in a couple of days from now! It really sounds like you want this baby, in which case you will regret going through with it. I hope you don't end up in that position. I agree with the pp who said make this decision for you not your unhelpful partner.

Hi OP, I've been in a similar situation and made the decision to keep my child. I already had one (same father) and he also decided he didn't want another when he found out I was pg, although we had been trying.
I also booked a termination but on the morning I was supposed to go I rang up and cancelled. I knew there would be a backlash but I knew I was terminating for him, not me and he wasn't worth that!

My DS is now 4.5 and I have been a single parent since he was 9 months old, my ex resented me for not terminating and I resented him for havING the audacity to change his mind too flipping late!!! We Co parent OK but I deeply despise him for doing that to me.

I have also had a termination. I was young and not in a good place for a child, however I don't regret it at all and I knew from the second I found out I was pregnant that I wouldn't be for long.

You can survive as a single parent, a PP put links to the entitled to website and that's where I went for guidance. I work 4 days now but back then I worked 16 hours and had a lot of my childcare paid for me - you can also claim income support if you aren't working I believe.

At the end of the day it is only your decision as it's your body and mind going through the procedure and not his, he can express a preference but that's the end of it.
Whatever you do, do it for you and your DD and I wish you the best of luck.

My heart breaks for you OP.

I can't add more than all the other wonderful posters have. Other than to reiterate that abortion decisions should be discussed not dictated.

Your posts scream that you don't want to do this.. please don't do this for him. Or to save your relationship. If you have to go tomorrow. Go alone, don't allow him to be there as I feel him being there will put pressure on you to do what he wants and not what you want.

Take care.

Dear Daisy'smummy17
I understand this must be a terribly traumatic time for you but, as Ger123's post, I am one of those people who has adopted a child and whatever his birth mum's situation was, I am just so grateful to her (and so is he) that she did not have an abortion. I completely understand that people abort for many different reasons and I would never judge anyone but as you seem so unsure about aborting your baby I beg you to first consider adoption. These days all adoptions are open and you would have the opportunity to meet you baby's new parents and be able to keep in touch with your baby and it's adoptive parents throughout it's childhood. I realise you would have to be very brave to follow this path but I am sure your baby would be so grateful to you, as my son is to his birth mother. My son knows he has four half-siblings from his birth mother and they have been able to keep in touch with him throughout his childhood, sending regular letters, photos and presents and we even met up with them whenever they wanted to. Adoption is just another option to consider and at least it offers you an alternative to abortion, which you do not seem sure about or struggling to bring the baby up by yourself, if that is what worries you. Whatever you decide, good luck x

He said let's make a baby, you made a baby and now he has you suffering like this. You have been far to kind to this man!!! Get well rid regardless of what you decide. I'm so sorry that you are having to face this.

Hi DaisysMummy17

I know your situation is far far from perfect. I had only been with my partner for 3 months when we found out I was pregnant. I thought my dad would go mad but he said something very interesting, even to this day. He said "there will never be the right time to have a baby". That has always stuck with me!

My situation is very similar. My dad was picking fights with me every day after I told him and I moved out when I was 25 weeks pregnant and haven't seen him since. My mother lives very far away. My partners parents work full time so we also have no childcare. We have our own house so arnt entitles to benefits. I work 6 hours a week on a Saturday just for a little bit of income and my partner works 40+ hours a week.

My point is "THERES NEVER A RIGHT TIME TO HAVE A BABY". Please don't terminate your pregnancy or at least not yet. I think you need to accept it before you do it or not do it at all.

As for your partner I think he does love you, I think the reality hit him and he's panicked. I know you say he's sick of talking about it but you need to say to him it's very important that you feel that you've made the right decision. If you terminate tomorrow, from reading your post you'd regret it instantly (you're regretting it already).

If you do want to keep your baby (which it sounds like you do) just say to your partner you can't go through with it! Say it'll forever be with you and on your shoulders (I know people who have done this and regret it every day). He might be angry he might threaten to leave he might be absolutely cool with it. You need to speak to him though! If he say was to leave he'd be back as he does sound fairly grown up in saying that he will support you.

Please don't do anything tomorrow until you're at peace with it. And if you want to keep the baby be firm and tell him you're keeping it.

I know you're too proud to ask for help (financially) but it sounds like the day your were able to work you did so I think you've done your share to accept some help.

Please let us know tomorrow what's happening. We will all be here whatever you decide but I just wanted to comment to make sure you know you are making the right decision.

All the best

I sadly read it all & it made me cry as i wanted a baby but i had to terminated due to baby having problems & doc advice me to go for termination for my health & it was SO SO painfully emotionally & physically. I was depress for months even tho it was for my & my baby's sake. Not judging but I dont know how you have a heart to kill your healthy baby but i understand you have to do it but let me tell you its hard. 1st pill is to stop baby's heart (to kill baby) and sec one is to abort it & that process is painfull. I got all the pains & then bleed for hours. Was bleeding for a month still clots was coming but i would recommend a D&C if you going for it. Its not painful & is easy to cop. I hope you change your mind but anyway. With me it was diff baby was not perfect or aline so i had to do but still The feeling does not go that ive kill my baby

"Pastysprincess - you're right , he has been very clever. And if I do go ahead and terminate he thinks he will be able to make it all okay but I fear it wouldn't."

He wont make it all ok; how on earth can he think that getting you to terminate a wanted and planned pregnancy will bring anything but grief.

I wish somehow I was nearby to you as I would gladly come over and talk to you. He has said he will will support your decision. You already made your choice didn't you? You wanted a baby and planned it with your partner. If he hadn't pulled the rug out from under you, you'd be on cloud nine right now.

Have you looked at the entitled website tonsee what help you could get?

Sweetyboo - I'm so very sorry for everything you have been through. I can't imagine how heartbreaking that must be. Thank you for reading my post and I'm sorry if it has upset you. A termination is not what I want to go through at all and I never thought I'd ever be faced with this choice. When I found out I was pregnant as far as I was concerned I was going to be a mum again. Unfortunately everyone's circumstances are different. I went through quite a hard time on my own with my daughter , I was on income support for quite some time and was not financially independent. Now I have reached a position where I am able to support her finiancially on my own but I'm unable to support another child on my own. I realise I should have thought about that before ttc but I thought my partner and I's combined wage would be sufficient. I don't want to have to be reliant on him while I'm sat at home looking after two children I don't want to give up my job. After 3 years on income support I forced myself to go for interviews and to look for work , and believe me after 3 years of not working and not a great deal of social interaction, that was not an easy thing for me. I read somewhere online that we should put the family and children we have here first and I have to agree with that. Although it doesn't make me any less sad or upset about the idea of a termination. This is the hardest thing I've ever been faced with in my life. I've never suffered from grief I'm thankful for not having lost any family members. I do worry that the grief will consume me but I also have to think practically and I have to do what's right by my daughter who is already here. I will never be 100% sure of my decision.

Bringmetea - your situation does indeed sound similar to mine. The childcare aspect is what's frightening me the most and I don't want to have to rely on my partner for money. I've become so independent now as I'm sure you'll understand. I wish I was lucky enough to have a greater network of support re childcare then there'd be no question about keeping my baby xx

Your 'partner' . . . isn't. He's a no-account, middle-aged loser who goes round fathering child after child and taking no responsibility at all whatsoever for them. Can you imagine being such a shit person? At best that would make him just a crap sperm donor who used to be a boyfriend, but he's not even that, he's fucking cruel - who consents to TTC with someone, then tries to bully the other party into a termination she doesn't want? Only a complete and total cunt. He's proven that he will never be involved in this child's life at all.

It's your call, but he's worse than bad news, he's a fucking tsunami of shit. There's nothing redeeming about a person who behaves this way over and over and over again.

Hey expat, how are you? I totally get why you think like that. Even though I love him I do worry about being tied to someone like that for the rest of my life. A few friends have said that I'm still young and have time to meet someone else and have a baby that is 100% wanted by both parties. The thing is I wanted it to be with him :( now I'm worried about the level of commitment I would receive from him. Sometimes I think maybe a termination is for the best perhaps it is part of a journey in my life on to better things. I used to think we had it all. He's always been brilliant with my daughter. But then he always knew he could walk away whenever he wanted I suppose.

Your DP is a shitty partner and a shitty father to his DC. Please decide what to to based on what you and you alone think and feel. Whether or not you have the DC you'd be far better off without this loser.

Seeking for him to be there see the physical reality won't make him more supportive, he will still be as he is.