Abortion booked and terrified

[DaisysMummy17]

Hi I'm really hoping someone can help me and please don't judge me. Here is my story. I have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 6 years old. When I fell pregnant with her it was very much unplanned but me and her dad went along with it and never once did the decision to terminate crop up. Since having her my life has changed so much for the better. When I was pregnant with her I was 20, living at home with my dad and siblings and his girlfriend (who is only 2 years older than me, I'm 27) she was also pregnant about 3 months ahead of me. To cut a long story short she didn't want me there because she was worried about my dad loving my baby more than theirs (ridiculous I know). My dad never told me the real reason I found this out later on, but he told me I had to go and live with my mum because the babies would 'disrupt each other' so that is what I did. My mum was kind enough to let me live with her. It was in a different town to where my partner lived so I would always make the effort to get the bus to take her to visit him. He only came to my mums a couple of times. So there I was breastfeeding my tiny baby for about 5 months by myself at mums , in a tiny box room. I knew I needed to get my own place so I was always bidding on the council list (my dad wrote to the council as well to let them know he was evicting me) and managed to get my own place for me and my daughter. Moved out of my mums into our own place, life wasn't easy , but We managed. I was previously working full time in retail but because I was only officially contracted for 6 hours , they wouldn't give me any more hours than that when I wanted to go back to work. I decided to quit my job and ended up on income support for 3 years. This was great because it gave me all the time in the world to enjoy my daughter and I think because of it she has turned into the intelligent little girl she is now. Myself and her father ended up splitting up although we have always remained amicable for the sake of our daughter.

I met my current partner when my daughter was 1 and a half. We have been together nearly 5 years now and I love him immensely. He is brilliant with my daughter, he has done so much to help around the house , decorating, carpets you name it he has been brilliant. When my daughter was three I got myself back into work (only part time and retail again) but earning a decent wage and working tax credits have helped immensely. I have a bit of money spare, albeit not a lot but I can provide for my daughter even on my own. I haven't got a great network of support for childcare , I haven't spoken to my dad since the day I left (and he has never once met my daughter although he had the chance) my mum lives in another town and I don't see her often, she's always busy doing her own thing and has a 10 year old herself. Most of the time when I'm at work and need someone to help I rely on my Younger brother he's very sweet. My daughter goes to her dads every other weekend, and my partner looks after my daughter the Saturday when she's here with us.

Anyway to cut a long story short (or try to) last year I started getting it into my head that I really wanted another baby - with my current partner. I hadn't been on the pill and we hadn't been using contraception for quite some time. The thoughts of wanting a baby have only increased more and more over the last 4 months I'd say and whenever I mentioned it to my partner he'd say let's do it , and agree with me. Fast forward to the 19th may this year and I find out I'm pregnant. I was so happy and when I told my partner so was he. I stupidly called people up, my 2 bosses , 2 work colleagues and my mum and sister. Everyone was happy. The next day my partner started having doubts. He said that he is worried about his age (he is 45, the age gap has never been an issue for us) that when he is blah blah the kid would be .. and so on. He said we don't really have the room (which is true as I only have a 2 bed place) that financially it would be very hard as we would have to put the baby into nursery at 6 months so I could go back to work. He said that I'm just starting to get my life back as I was very young when I had my daughter and that we need to remember the baby will be around for a long time and won't stay a baby forever. I completely understand his worries and I know he is right. Anyway he was the one to bring up the idea of an abortion - but he said it's also my choice and he will support me no matter what. since then I've been in utter turmoil. We went to an initial consultation a couple of weeks back at our local bpas clinic, I had a scan and saw a councillor. I was 6 weeks and 1 day. I saw its heartbeat as did my partner. I got copies of the photos and had my counselling and left. More and more talking with my partner and going round in circles I ended up booking a surgical abortion for yesterday. We went there I was in bits and my partner even cried but as I was about to sign the consent form I said 'I can't do this' and left with partner. I ended up feeling bad for bottling it and wasting my partners time ( he has taken time off work to be with me at every appointment) I received a call from the clinic later that day the councillor asked if I was ok and I said I was and still want to go through with the abortion but I want to take the pill instead so I can at least be at home with some privacy (it also seems less invasive) . So the first pill appointment is on Tuesday and the second one on Thursday. I'm supposed to be working Tuesday and Wednesday, I don't know what to say to work. I'm worried I won't be able to go through with again but I feel like I will have to because by then I will be 8 weeks. I'm worried about the second pill and starting to see blood and be in pain. But I'm also worried about the first pill and knowing I have just killed my baby. My partner has already booked the days off with work. Thursdays appointment is at half past 1 so my partner will probably have to pick my daughter up from school as it may have started by then. I'm terrified of what I will go through, I don't want my daughter to see me I've told my partner that. I'm scared incase something goes wrong. I'm scared of how I will feel after i really don't want to hate my partner as I love him but feel like I will anyway. How will I tell my colleagues my family what I've done. What if they hate my partner or me ? The worst part as well is that a colleague I work with is also pregnant and she's about 3 weeks ahead of me. She's keeping her baby. It's funny because she's the same age I was when I had my baby. It will be so hard to watch her go through with having her baby. I wish I could quit my job but I can't as I have brilliant hours that fit around my daughters schools

I know that having a termination would probably be for the best in our situation but the what ifs are already there. My partner doesn't live with me yet although it was always on the cards for this year. If we had the baby I'd be relying a lot on him for money which I don't want to do. As you may have guessed I've grown fiercely independent , and I feel like me relying on him won't be good. I also know I can't afford to raise a second child alone. It would mean having to go back in time 5 years and possibly go back to being on income support which I really don't want. I'd also lose my job which fits around school and would probably struggle finding a job with similar hours.

Please , I don't know if anyone could help. And I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just terrified of what to expect. We are meant to be going away , my partner me and my daughter next Friday (the day after the second lot of pills) and I know it's not going to make me any happier.

I'd be very grateful for any advice .

Thank you for reading

Xxx

'now I'm worried about the level of commitment I would receive from him.'

Do yourself a huge favour and make it 0%, whatever you decide. He's shown you, he's just a boyfriend, he's not a partner. He's shown several other women this as well. At his age, this is who he is.

Op, one common theme that seems to come through your messages here, is that you somehow feel trapped by having booked time off; the procedure itself, etc, and that by doing so you've cornered yourself and can't get out of it.

But you can.

If you tell your boss you changed your mind, your boss will respect you for your decision.

If you tell the clinic you've changed your mind the clinic will respect you for your decision.

If you tell your partner you can't go through with it on an emotional level, he SAYS he will respect your decision.

You also sound like a people pleaser, which can be a nice side but it can also work against you. This is no time to be a people pleaser.

It sounds like you're basing your decision on what someone else wants. Someone who has already changed his mind once. Who is to say he won't change his mind after the abortion, blaming you for choosing to go through with it?

As someone else said: never choose a man over a baby. Ever.

You need to think ahead in 10 years time. You could have a 10 year old, with or without him. He may or may not be there. Roll on another 8 years when your son or daughter is 18 - ditto. What is for certain is your housing and finances will be different by then.

Ps: There is never a good time to have a baby, the world is full of people who were 'bad timing' (I think I'm one of them!).
So don't be pushed into a corner. There is a way out.

Please think about what you want - it's your pregnancy and you really don't sound convinced about terminating it.

Your partner doesn't really seem to be coming up with great reasons for it - my DH was 55 when our daughter was born and he wasn't the oldest at the antenatal class at all! She will start school just after he turns 60...

he's just a boyfriend

He's not even that. He's a user who does not give a flying fuck for anyone but himself. I was "just" a boyfriend when the woman that is now my wife got pregnant with my child. It wasn't planned and we really could not have been in a worse situation, financially or otherwise. I did what any man with even the most basic of human decencies would do. I took responsibility for my part in it. I put the needs of the woman I loved before myself. I told her that I would support her to the fullest of my ability with whatever decision she made, though I was open that I would prefer to keep the baby and find a way to make it work. We kept the baby, we made it work. I am nothing special, just somewhere further up the decency ladder than an alley cat. This "man" isn't even on the ladder. It's clear as day he is coercing her to have an abortion with the promise of a long and healthy relationship with him as the reward. He disgusts me beyond words.

OP, I'll say it again. Make the decision for yourself and your daughter and nobody else. The POS that got you pregnant is not worth factoring in. He is treating you attrociously, has no regard for your feelings and will never be there for you when you need him most. He's proving that right now by his actions at a time when you couldn't be more in need of his support.

Job daisysmummy17 I felt such deep sadness reading your post. It sounds like you've been through soo much already. The bottom line is, this is about a life...a beautiful little baby whose heartbeat you have seen and he or she was conceived in pure love ❤️ You weren't to know he was going to change his mind and behave in this way. You ARE a strong person and can cope with another beautiful baby. If I felt you were 100% I'd say it's a mothers choice...But in every response you seem unsure. I personally think it's something you wouldn't get over and would always be wondering... I pray you make the right decision, I really do. Take Care x

You do realise that if you have the termination and then split up he will tell his next girlfriend that you chose the termination. Just as he did with his last girlfriend.

Please don't terminate a pregnancy you want.

I think that was really unfair of your DP to agree to have a baby with you and then when it does happen, he changes his mind. I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Please, forget what he wants...do what YOU want. Please.

I totally get why you think like that.

I'd feel like this no matter what, because HerOther is right, this person has no decency at all, no respect for you or your life or anyone but himself. This is the third time he's done this. He tricked you into TTC and then pulled this. What a cunt. Again, make the decision for you, because you're onto a hiding to nothing with this specimen. Don't even consider him, he's out of the picture already.

Herotherhalf- thank you for posting its useful to hear something from a mans perspective. You would think at his age he would love to have a baby. I don't know what his deal is but he's 50/50. That's not good enough for me I want a man who's 100%. I'm starting to feel like everyone is right and he doesn't have any regard for my feelings. I just want to be away from him and away from this whole situation. It's scary how much I've relied on him over the last 5 years. I feel like such an idiot and although I love him I'm starting to feel that I deserve better. I can't have this baby on my own. I don't want a termination but I think it may be for the best x

Well, of course you can have this baby on your own, you take a deep breath and start working out the practicalities. The question is whether you want to have this baby on your own. That is a different question.

All the best whatever you decide

Oh OP, please don't go through with this. You CAN have the baby by yourself if that's what happens, people manage everyday and who knows, to have a sibling may be the best thing for your DD too. It is crystal clear that you want to keep this baby but you are scared of being by yourself with 2 children. There is nothing to be scared of, you will manage. It is perfectly possible.

Re your partner - he isn't exactly covering himself with glory here and he is clearly pressurising you. I suspect he is scared and having massive cold feet. But none the less, he is behaving like a complete knob.

Howtopickausername- I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you have been through. I'm also sorry your dh wasn't supportive throughout your ordeal. Men act in some very strange ways. I totally get what your saying about when you're not sure do nothing. And that's exactly what I have been doing, I've already walked out of one appointment. I feel that time is running out because I'm almost 8 weeks. I am trying not to think about it tonight I will just have to see how I feel and what happens in the morning. Thank you as always everyone for your support. I will keep you updated xxx

Best of luck in whatever you decide today OP, but please make sure it's what you want

Thinking of you today. x
Please don't do anything you can't go back on unless you are 100% sure. And please make the decision for yourself and not anybody else.

I'm hoping you walk out again like last time!

It's agony to see someone in such conflict, making decisions on something that will impact on her for the rest of her life, unsure if she's making her own choices or someone else's.

Best of luck, whatever you decide, thinking of you

Thinking of you today OP

Thinking of you today OP. Please please if you are not 100% sure then give yourself more time. You need to do this for YOU and no one else

Hi everyone , thanks for keeping me in your thoughts 💗 I just thought I'd update you as to what's happened. So my partner and I drove to the clinic on the way there he was saying if you don't want to do it then don't do it , and if you change your mind at any time just say. He said to me in the car you wanted this baby let's just do it and go for it, but we will be on our own it will be just you and me as we haven't got our families to rely on. He said it would be hard but other people manage it. But he still proceeded to drive to the clinic.

We got there and He came with me to see the nurse who explained everything to us, took my blood pressure weight height and blood type , turns out I'm a negative blood type (I didn't know that) so would need the anti d injection if I were to go ahead to help protect future pregnancies. I found that a bit upsetting as I know it's now or never with my partner, and I don't know if I'd ever have another baby if we split up. Anyway , the nurse was really nice and was answering any questions we had , I was mainly asking about what I'd see If I were to go ahead and she told me that it's still very small so I'd be very unlikely to see anything. She talked me through the consent forms but as I was in tears again she said what she could do was to put everything in place , consent forms her side of things etc for Thursday so then I have a bit more time to think about it. Today was supposed to be part one of my procedure so taking the first pill and Thursday part two. She said that I could take both pills together if I wanted on Thursday and that it might be easier for me to do it that way.

So that's where we are at now. I guess I've bought myself more time. The nurse was asking if I was sure and I started crying saying that I don't think I'll ever be sure. She said do you need more time ? Or are you just going round and round in circles? And my partner and I both agreed that we are just going round in circles. Although the nurse was very nice, it did feel like she was trying to down play the physical side of the procedure. I'm not sure whether it was to put me more at ease or not , but she explained all of the side effects. I think my partner seems to think it's going to be a walk in the park for me, he was asking questions about when the 'pregnancy passes' and that's obviously how the nurse was referring to it. It made me angry that he could speak so coloquially about it.

So I signed the consent forms , mainly because of the reassurance that nothing was actually going to be done today. I was spoken to about future contraception and given a booklet about it and we left. Even the discussion of contraception made me feel annoyed, the fact that I've been off of it for well over a year and only now it's something to think about it - when it's too late. I explained to my partner when we were walking back to the car that it just makes me sad because I've been tracking my periods for well over a year so that this could happen and that this baby was wanted by me. I had no idea that it was even possible to get pregnant with my partner , I was even starting to think maybe it wa because of his age etc. We had done the deed several times before and nothing had happened but I guess it was the wrong time of the month. It's not until you've tracked for several months that you can really pinpoint when is the best time.

It's strange because this cycle I actually had a feeling it was going to happen. When we did the deed a couple of days later I started to feel pinching pains which I knew was probably ovulation , so the sperm was up there ready and waiting and it happened. The over the next couple of weeks I started to feel bloated and gassy and we were decorating the downstairs toilet and when I was painting I started to feel light headed. I knew either I was ill , or there's a chance I could be pregnant. I tested early at 11dpo with a first response and low and behold - a faint line. I couldn't believe it , everything was down to a tee it was crazy. If any ladies are trying to get pregnant I would definitely recommend the ovia app because it really does work , but also listen to your body and find clues.

I feel like all of that hard work is about to be undone and it makes me so very cross.

Walking back through town today there's babies everywhere and I look at them and I just feel an emptiness. I think wow that could be me in about February time, after 6 years I'll be going back to it. And then I think but maybe that won't be me and my pregnancy was never meant to be. I keep trying to look for clues everywhere I go , something to help push me in the right direction but I know I won't find it. I know that this is my decision but I'm terrified of making the wrong one. What if having a baby ruins everything I have worked for and ruins any chances of my existing daughter being able to do all the things she wants? i know full well that I'd be able to cope physically with another child , I did it all on my own before. But it's the emotional and financial side of things. I only wish my partner had been fully on board from the beginning and not 50/50. He said to me this morning he'd be lying to himself if he said otherwise. At least he's honest.

Maybe I should have jumped at the chance when he said 'if you don't want to do it let's just have the baby' . But I can't help sensing a feeling of indignance there. A feeling that he has to go along with it. I know he's scared and so am I. But i wanted him to be on board fully from the start. I don't want to have to spend the next 5 years relying on him a fair bit financially , (even though he said he would support me fully financially) and I can't do this alone. I know financially I'd probably be better off doing it alone but I don't want to , and to be honest I don't think he'd let me.

So it's back to the question of what do I want. But i don't know anymore.

What a twat, sorry. He is messing with your mind. How are you going to feel any different on Thursday?
You did want the baby, it was planned, you are pregnant. Why is that not the end of the matter?
Why do you not have your families to rely on? I thought your mum helped with your DD.
He just threw enough confusion into the position so he can say I said we could have the baby, the abortion was your choice.

What happens if you say to him yes, I want this baby, of course I do - and I want your support, so please give me it from now on.