Abortion booked and terrified

[DaisysMummy17]

Hi I'm really hoping someone can help me and please don't judge me. Here is my story. I have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 6 years old. When I fell pregnant with her it was very much unplanned but me and her dad went along with it and never once did the decision to terminate crop up. Since having her my life has changed so much for the better. When I was pregnant with her I was 20, living at home with my dad and siblings and his girlfriend (who is only 2 years older than me, I'm 27) she was also pregnant about 3 months ahead of me. To cut a long story short she didn't want me there because she was worried about my dad loving my baby more than theirs (ridiculous I know). My dad never told me the real reason I found this out later on, but he told me I had to go and live with my mum because the babies would 'disrupt each other' so that is what I did. My mum was kind enough to let me live with her. It was in a different town to where my partner lived so I would always make the effort to get the bus to take her to visit him. He only came to my mums a couple of times. So there I was breastfeeding my tiny baby for about 5 months by myself at mums , in a tiny box room. I knew I needed to get my own place so I was always bidding on the council list (my dad wrote to the council as well to let them know he was evicting me) and managed to get my own place for me and my daughter. Moved out of my mums into our own place, life wasn't easy , but We managed. I was previously working full time in retail but because I was only officially contracted for 6 hours , they wouldn't give me any more hours than that when I wanted to go back to work. I decided to quit my job and ended up on income support for 3 years. This was great because it gave me all the time in the world to enjoy my daughter and I think because of it she has turned into the intelligent little girl she is now. Myself and her father ended up splitting up although we have always remained amicable for the sake of our daughter.

I met my current partner when my daughter was 1 and a half. We have been together nearly 5 years now and I love him immensely. He is brilliant with my daughter, he has done so much to help around the house , decorating, carpets you name it he has been brilliant. When my daughter was three I got myself back into work (only part time and retail again) but earning a decent wage and working tax credits have helped immensely. I have a bit of money spare, albeit not a lot but I can provide for my daughter even on my own. I haven't got a great network of support for childcare , I haven't spoken to my dad since the day I left (and he has never once met my daughter although he had the chance) my mum lives in another town and I don't see her often, she's always busy doing her own thing and has a 10 year old herself. Most of the time when I'm at work and need someone to help I rely on my Younger brother he's very sweet. My daughter goes to her dads every other weekend, and my partner looks after my daughter the Saturday when she's here with us.

Anyway to cut a long story short (or try to) last year I started getting it into my head that I really wanted another baby - with my current partner. I hadn't been on the pill and we hadn't been using contraception for quite some time. The thoughts of wanting a baby have only increased more and more over the last 4 months I'd say and whenever I mentioned it to my partner he'd say let's do it , and agree with me. Fast forward to the 19th may this year and I find out I'm pregnant. I was so happy and when I told my partner so was he. I stupidly called people up, my 2 bosses , 2 work colleagues and my mum and sister. Everyone was happy. The next day my partner started having doubts. He said that he is worried about his age (he is 45, the age gap has never been an issue for us) that when he is blah blah the kid would be .. and so on. He said we don't really have the room (which is true as I only have a 2 bed place) that financially it would be very hard as we would have to put the baby into nursery at 6 months so I could go back to work. He said that I'm just starting to get my life back as I was very young when I had my daughter and that we need to remember the baby will be around for a long time and won't stay a baby forever. I completely understand his worries and I know he is right. Anyway he was the one to bring up the idea of an abortion - but he said it's also my choice and he will support me no matter what. since then I've been in utter turmoil. We went to an initial consultation a couple of weeks back at our local bpas clinic, I had a scan and saw a councillor. I was 6 weeks and 1 day. I saw its heartbeat as did my partner. I got copies of the photos and had my counselling and left. More and more talking with my partner and going round in circles I ended up booking a surgical abortion for yesterday. We went there I was in bits and my partner even cried but as I was about to sign the consent form I said 'I can't do this' and left with partner. I ended up feeling bad for bottling it and wasting my partners time ( he has taken time off work to be with me at every appointment) I received a call from the clinic later that day the councillor asked if I was ok and I said I was and still want to go through with the abortion but I want to take the pill instead so I can at least be at home with some privacy (it also seems less invasive) . So the first pill appointment is on Tuesday and the second one on Thursday. I'm supposed to be working Tuesday and Wednesday, I don't know what to say to work. I'm worried I won't be able to go through with again but I feel like I will have to because by then I will be 8 weeks. I'm worried about the second pill and starting to see blood and be in pain. But I'm also worried about the first pill and knowing I have just killed my baby. My partner has already booked the days off with work. Thursdays appointment is at half past 1 so my partner will probably have to pick my daughter up from school as it may have started by then. I'm terrified of what I will go through, I don't want my daughter to see me I've told my partner that. I'm scared incase something goes wrong. I'm scared of how I will feel after i really don't want to hate my partner as I love him but feel like I will anyway. How will I tell my colleagues my family what I've done. What if they hate my partner or me ? The worst part as well is that a colleague I work with is also pregnant and she's about 3 weeks ahead of me. She's keeping her baby. It's funny because she's the same age I was when I had my baby. It will be so hard to watch her go through with having her baby. I wish I could quit my job but I can't as I have brilliant hours that fit around my daughters schools

I know that having a termination would probably be for the best in our situation but the what ifs are already there. My partner doesn't live with me yet although it was always on the cards for this year. If we had the baby I'd be relying a lot on him for money which I don't want to do. As you may have guessed I've grown fiercely independent , and I feel like me relying on him won't be good. I also know I can't afford to raise a second child alone. It would mean having to go back in time 5 years and possibly go back to being on income support which I really don't want. I'd also lose my job which fits around school and would probably struggle finding a job with similar hours.

Please , I don't know if anyone could help. And I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just terrified of what to expect. We are meant to be going away , my partner me and my daughter next Friday (the day after the second lot of pills) and I know it's not going to make me any happier.

I'd be very grateful for any advice .

Thank you for reading

Xxx

Op! You clearly want this baby and so did he thats why he had sex with you without protection. He now cant turn around and say no, this isnt a puppy. You have a lil bean growing inside you and its something you clearly much want. He obviously couldnt care a less about what you want, are you sure he is the most loving and caring guy you want to be with? You really need to sit him down and tell him exactly what YOU want. If he leaves his not worth it, and if you have this abortion you will end up blaming him and living in regret and ull Most likely start hating each other n split anyway. Hope you do the right thing for YOU op x

So he's laying on the sofa next to me and I just started speaking to him. I said I'm worried about our relationship and how we're gonna get through this, and how I'm gonna get through this. He said 'you'll be alright' he really doesn't understand at all. I said that I'm scared of the procedure because it's not something I want to do. I said that I feel like I'm gonna annoy him now when I talk about it he said 'don't be silly I'm just tired' and that's all he's said. It's like he's shutting off now when I speak about it and refuses to go into it further :(

He should be more sensitive to the fact that you've already cancelled once.
He sounds like a real shit to be honest

Just tell him you don't think you can go through with it. It doesn't sound like you're being clear enough. Saying you're frightened about the procedure is not really telling him the whole truth.

How dare he say "you'll be alright" - how the hell does he know? What the hell does he know about carrying an 8 week baby and getting it aborted. I'd be furious!

Oh Daisy.

It's going to be even worse afterwards. He won't want you to be upset or talk about it because it's 'dealt with'. In his mind at least.

You're going to be upset and resentful and that's just going to get worse when he refuses to acknowledge that.

Have you looked up your entitlements yet?

www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/startcalc.aspx

Just put in your circumstances as if you had the baby and were single. It will work it all out for you.

Also take into account that he must pay you maintenance if he doesn't step up.

If you decide a termination is for the best then that's one thing, being manipulated into it against your will is another.

Especially after you both agreed to ttc. I'm furious on your behalf.

Things change. You said he could move in when you thought you were saying yes to common goals of a family, mutual support and not going it alone. He is banking on you being so fearful or scared or tired of doing it alone that he has shut down on your previous dreams now that they are starting to become reality, and is shutting down any discussion of that.

How sure are you he actually would move in and be a caring partner, when you needed him to be? You need him to be one now and the best he can do is 'you'll be alright'. Really, when you start cramping and bleeding? When you need him to be there and hold your hand as the fetus goes out your body? When you need to talk about and come to terms with what has happened? If he is not walking with you now, he won't be at any other stage he does not wish to. You will be doing this yourself, anyway, whatever choice you make.

No-one will judge you, whatever you decide But him, he does not sound like a real shit, he is a real shit. You don't get to switch this off because you are tired. I am so sorry. You and your DD deserve better than that.

Yes he is already refusing to acknowledge how difficult this is for me. I wish he'd understand , like I said earlier I think he thinks he's able to make it all ok. Sometimes I feel like going ahead with the termination and telling him it's over after. But then that's two losses :( I don't feel like I could cope. But I know I'd have to for my daughter. Talking is lost on him right now and time is running out. I'm so scared

He is shutting you down
By repeatedly telling you "you'll be alright" he is minimising your feelings.

Don't let him move in, no matter what you decide re the pregnancy. It sounds like the start of a slippery slope.

Also, why is he moving in to your place? What is he bringing to the relationship?

Thank you cocoaleaves your support and way of thinking is invaluable. It's not fair that he doesn't want to talk about it , he really does think it's a done deal and not up for discussion. You're right , if I went ahead and terminated he wouldn't want to talk about it after either. With regards to it actually happening, I'm booked in on Thursday for the second pill which is at half 1. From what I've read it can take at least 4 hours for it all to be over and done with so he would have to pick my daughter up from school around 3 ish and I would still be going through it. As horrible as it sounds I would want him to see everything and see exactly what I'm going through. I'd even want to show him the fetus after so he can fully appreciate the loss in it's enterity. But he probably wouldn't have the balls to sit in the bathroom with me anyway. Just talking about it makes me anxious and scared :(( xx

Bringmewineandcake - minimising my feelings that's exactly what he's doing. It's funny because he's perked up a bit now and is watching tv. I'm starting to question whether he really does love me now or not, I feel so sad. He wanted to move in and has been doing the house up lovely for that reason. I'm not sure what he thinks he can bring now and neither am I. If I'm honest I don't want him to move in now anyway. Xxx

You still haven't been blunt with him. You need to say "I want to keep this baby. I do not want to go through with this procedure." Some men...my own DH included....just don't get the point when you skirt around it. If I said what you has to my other half about being scared of the procedure he would tell me the same thing "it'll be alright". Because in practical men minds it will be...the procedure carries little risk...therefore you will be fine. But this isn't about the procedure at all.

You are too worried about skirting round his feelings and I understand you not wanting to give him an ultimatum but in many ways that is exactly what you need to do. He will either step up and support you or he will walk. But if you go through with this abortion when you don't want to I can't see the relationship lasting long term as you will end up resenting him for pushing you into the decision

I know you say time is running out but you really do have longer than Tuesday to make the right decision for YOU not for him

Part of me thinks the termination would be the best thing to do. I really don't know why he isn't worried about me or the relationship. Maybe he doesn't care. I just don't see why he'd put in all this effort with the house etc if he was never going to move in anyway. I think he did want that , he even said a couple weeks back that he was planning on asking me to marry him this year. I argued with him that he thinks he's too old for a baby yet he's not too old to marry me. Strange logic again. I wish I could have all you ladies here to help me have it out with him lol xx

It's so clear from all that you have written here that you don't really want to go through with the abortion. Please take more time. He is not considering your feelings at all. It's your life and the life of your unborn child which was what you both wanted until he changed his mind when it was too late. Why did he go ahead with trying for a baby for so long if he didn't want it? That is so unfair on you and he is only thinking about himself not the devastating effects it will have on you if you get rid of it
Like you said this might be the last chance to have another baby. Like other posters have said I don't think you will get any support from him if you do go ahead. He will just want to forget about it. Hoping you make the right decision for you not what he wants. Thinking of you. X

Please don't do it. Every single one of your posts screams "I don't want to do this."
Please stop blaming yourself for being in this situation, op. You didn't put yourself in this situation, you discussed having a baby and he agreed. It's totally, utterly unfair of him to go back at this point.
You just need to tell him that you're having the baby and that's that. Your body, your decision. I just can't see you being anything but utterly heartbroken if you terminated. Time to be blunt. Hand holding for you op.

I think the worst thing you could lose would be yourself. Writing that brought to mind a poem by Mary Oliver, which I love. It is here peacefulrivers.homestead.com/maryoliver.html

Beyond that, there is nothing I think I can add. For me, peace comes from having my head and my heart aligned. There is often great turmoil to work out that alignment. Other times, it is a case of waiting till the answer comes. As others have said, you do not need to do anything right now. Eight weeks is an artificially imposed deadline because of medical management, I think. But what about just taking it day to day and acting when YOU know what to do? Believe in your ability to cope with what will come on those days.

Just step out of the situation and give yourself time to breathe. You are tired and you need to rest. Life will unfold as it wants to, anyway. He can go home tonight.

Also can I ask why he is not living with you if you have been together for so long? Are you supporting yourself and your daughter at the moment? Don't forget you would get maternity pay as well

Sorry I'm coming late to this thread but I wanted to beg you not to go ahead. I had a termination I wasn't sure about after I cancelled appointments because I wasn't sure. I did it for my then boyfriend. He wasn't able to communicate at all, like yours. And let me go ahead despite how much it hurt me. I hated him for it, we split anyway. But the worst was the feeling of loss I felt for that baby. I was depressed for a long time afterwards.

Thanks chelle85 , the thing is I feel like I don't know what I want now. Sometimes I feel like terminating and telling him that I'm also terminating him. Sometimes I think , am I just scared of the procedure and I will be ok after ? Sometimes I think that maybe this was meant to happen and is my way out of the relationship in a weird sense? Like in the future someone better may be waiting for me. But then I always go back to my heart and how much it will break if I go ahead with the procedure. Then I think sometimes love is not enough. I also think that if I terminated I would turn round to him and tell him that he will NEVER feel the love of a child , when your child tells you they love you. That is the most precious thing in the world. Maybe he never wanted to be a dad in the first place. I just don't understand why. When I first found out i was pregnant he told me something that he'd never mentioned in our almost 5 years. He told me had a son! And that he's a couple years younger than me. He told me when he 19 he was dissing at some girls place and accidentally got her pregnant. He said he had no idea about it til years later and that the last time he saw him he was 11 and the mum said he didn't want anything to do with him. He told me that he used to write and send xmas cards etc. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with it. Although it shouldn't be an excuse. He never told me about it before and I wasn't angry just shocked. Also I forgot to mention , he got one of his exes pregnant before but she decided for herself to get a termination as she already had kids. So maybe he doesn't think it's a big deal as she was alright about it. But I'm not.

I cross-posted as I was thinking what to post.

I had medical management of a missed miscarriage - I was on a hospital ward, though much of it happened in the bathroom. I did not have XH with me, there were existing arrangements he could not change. XH did expect life to carry on as normal, but there is nothing 'normal' about that happening during the day! I guess the medical procedures are pretty similar, apologies if they are not.

You know why he is not worried about you or the relationship, you said it yourself - he thinks he is Superman, you will choose him over fear of being alone (you must surely have told him all those fears one way or another, he thinks he knows how you will react) and he thinks he is enough to make it all okay (without engaging emotionally at all).

I said upthread speak to your mum, sister, friends who have your interests at heart, take your time

You sound like you've thought a lot about how you're going to hurt him after the procedure: showing him the foetus, telling him he'll never feel the love of a child etc. That's really not a healthy / mature way to approach this as you're surely going to feel 100 times worse than him. Also, he's not a mind reader - he doesn't know exactly how you feel as you haven't told him.

Cocoaleaves - that poem just made me cry how very beautiful and poignant. Thank you. 💗 I studied english literature at college and we covered a lot of poetry. It's amazing how powerful it can be. It hit me really hard because I think that would be the greatest loss , losing everything I am and the person I used to be. Thank you I will read the poem over and over.

Also thank you to a civqueen who posted a link to entitlements I'll be sure to enter my details.

Manandbeast - I'm very sorry for what you have been through :( I hope that time brings you healing and that you are in a better place now 💗 Xx

Thingymaboob - it's not about trying to hurt him because as I've mentioned before I love him. I meant it in the context of him truly understanding what a big thing I'd be going through. I realise what I said doesn't sound healthy and I agree. My mind is all over the place right now. I've tried to tell him exactly how I feel but he doesn't seem to want to take the time to listen. Ever since the second appointment was made he thinks it's a done deal. I'm gonna leave it here for tonight as I'm exhausted. Thank you everyone for taking time to comment xx

He gets worse the more you post
Look after yourself, Daisysmum. Get some rest

Having read your latest updates, I think the best thing you could do is totally remove him as a factor in your decision making. I'm not saying necessarily you should end the relationship but stop worrying about what he wants or what he might feel. He is not considering your feelings so why give him that courtesy? It will also help you clear your thoughts a little. What do you want? Do you want to keep this baby or not? If you do keep it, you will find a way to make it work. If you don't keep it and end up regretting that decision, you will regret it, and resent him, for the rest of your life.

So sorry you are going through this and I can only imagine the torment it is causing you. That he doesn't see that (and shouldn't need it spelled out for him) speaks volumes about the kind of person he is. If he cannot give you the emotional support and empathy that you need under these circumstances what possible value is he going to be to you as a life partner?